last day of 2011. reflections.

Not Going Back

The enemy has no power over us as Gods chosen. The only way that he can sneak and find his way back in, is if we let him in. Studies suggest that witches can not cast spells on children of God, unless the wich is welcome into that person's presence and that person accepts the curse. This is how the enemy works, he lures us with the hidden desires (temptation). James 1:14 states that "temptation, comes from the lure of our own evil desires." That said, the enemy has no power over us, we choose to fall into temptation, thus causing ourselves to be vulnerable to his attacks. The enemy cannot kill us, nor can he stop the promises of God for our lives; rather, he tries to pervert the promise so that it then does two things. One, it is a dirrect slap in the face to God, and two it causes us to miss out on the full potential of the promise God has for us. However, I have made up in my mind that I am not going to continue to hand over my promise to the enemy. If you want my promise you're going to have to kill me. The promise of a prosperity is mine, the promise of hope is mine, the promise to marry my beautiful best friend is mine, the promise of health and strength. I will no longer willingly give my promise away.

I thank you lord for this marvelous incite, and I pray that you lead and guide me into all truth in Jesus name.

AMEN!!

"i'm not going to hand over my promise to the enemy"....wow. what powerful words. i could have simply quoted those and chosen to left the entire entry off my blog...but there's something to be said about seeing that statement in context.

the promises of God.

i woke up this morning a bit distraught (to say the least) about what 2012 held before me. honestly, i have no earthly idea what God wants me to do. quit my job? start my photo business? start a non-profit? in that order? stay at my job and help out my kids some more? who knows? my mind right now is a jumbled mess of confusion. i'm having dreams and visions. fear is starting to creep back in? how does God give visions? how does He tell one what to do? He straight up spoke to Abraham...Moses went up on the mountain and there was a flaming bush...He spoke to Noah...in fact, Noah NEVER spoke back...God just kept telling Him what to do and He did. others at least questioned, but i never saw Noah open his mouth, not even to affirm what God said...He just did.

Even Mary questioned:

"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, since I am a virgin?

The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you," and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.....For nothing is impossible with God."

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.

OMG. i just saw that bolded portion for the first time, and i've been reading that verse for several weeks. "For nothing is impossible with God."

wow. wow. wow.

God sends an angel, on specific assignment to talk to Mary. i wonder why God just didn't speak to her himself? would she not have believed? would she have questioned what He had to say? would she have thought it was her own voice instead of the voice of God and doubted what He was about to do? could God have even used Mary if she didn't believe? i wonder about these things sometimes, especially when thinking about my current position and conundrum.

she needed the power of the Holy Spirit to do what she did. that power "overshadow[ed]" her. it completely took over. what she did was not of her own volition. it was only by the power of God that she gave birth to Jesus and endured what i'm sure was much persecution for conceiving out of wedlock. she conceived something great...something that she could have never conceived without God...and God reassured at the very end that "nothing is impossible with God"...it's almost as if He could hear what she was thinking. "uhhhhhh....you want me to do what? the Son of God...ummmm.....uhhhh....this sounds a bit far fetched"....

the final statement was a reassurance...a "calm yo' nerves girl" statement. but Mary so easily believed..."I am your servant Lord..." i do what you tell me to. let it happen like you said. i guess it would have happened anyway because God predestined Mary to be the one to conceive Jesus in the first place. He foreknew us. He predestined us. she said yes because the Lord came and spoke her destiny straight to her face.

i need to the Lord to come and speak to me the way He spoke to Mary. yes, that's what i need. an angel. a person. dreams and visions are nice. but they're left up to my interpretation. send an angel. send your message LOUD AND CLEAR about what you want me to do.

today is the last day of 2011. i need vision for 2012. right now, i've got a bunch of different paths in front of me.

i'm at a crossroads and i'm not sure where to go.

"only fear thou not, for i am with thee".

as i look back on my journals, electronic and hand-written from 2011, i marvel at what God has done for me. He's developing me into a great woman of God. i thank Him for not forsaking me. i thank Him for being faithful even when I was not. i thank Him for never letting go of me and for manifesting His life through mine. i thank Him for healing and redemption. i thank Him for deliverance. i thank Him for my family and my friends. i thank Him for my cup running over and having more than enough to meet my needs. i thank Him for my church home and i thank Him for Bishop and Pastor Imani's lives. i thank Him for the opportunity to go to work everyday and touch lives. i thank Him for the strength...for peace, for love, for the man, for health, for opportunity, for life.

2011 was an awesome year, but 2012 will be my best to come. i am everything He says i am. His promises for me will be manifested. 2012 will be a year of great leaps of faith and great success in my spiritual, personal, and professional life. i am EXCITED to see what God is going to do.

there's treasure in this earthen vessel...i just want Him to manifest his life through me. when people see me, they will see the GLORY all on my life....and when they see it, i'll say..."it's Him. do you know Him? do you know Jesus, the Son of God who died so that we could live?...."

because, when it's all said and done, isn't that what He commissioned me to do?

God, use me in 2012. empty me out, so that you can fill me up with you. i'm yours. use me.

Good by 2011.

I look forward to 2012.

gatekeeper

i think i'm a gatekeeper.

i have the power to lock the gate.

i also have the power to close it.

when i crack it open, it just all comes in.

when the enemy comes in like a flood...the spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard...

with the power of the Holy Spirit, i have the power to set a standard.

help me holy ghost. for real. you know what i'm weak in. you know what my flesh likes. there's no good thing in this flesh and i pray that you would really forgive me of my sins.

jesus.

YOU...

haven't written much lately.

:-D

...only fear thou not...

easier said than done, right?

i suppose.

i woke up to pray this morning and found it difficult to speak to God. so i'll write to Him and then read this prayer/conversation/monologue.

first of all, thank you God for this year of 2011. as it draws to a close, i look back and sincerely appreciate everything you've done for me and have been for me. for the most part, i think it's been a pretty lonely year. even though i was in a relationship and had friendships, i was really trying to fill a void that could only be filled with a closer, more intimate relationship with you. i tried to fill that void with sex, sometimes alcohol and drugs, and more often than not, food. yet, i don't want to say that this year was full of negatives. you planted me in an amazing church home and surrounded me with christ-like powerful people who want to manifest your glory and power. i'm excited for the plans you have for me at Spirit and Truth and beyond.

you've saved me and delivered me from much bondage. bondage to a destructive and toxic relationship with bruce. we weren't meant to be together, and because we had history, we both acted as if we could make it work. but us together meant trying to put a round peg in a square hole. that wasn't supposed to be that way. when i took a leap of faith and cut it off for good, i opened myself up for major possibilities.

you've given me a man who loves YOU first and through that love, loves me. i'm so grateful for Ronald and so amazed at how you've worked things out.

this year, almost every time i've gone up to the altar for prayer you have told me not to be fearful. isn't fear what's been driving me my entire life. fear not to fail my father and his expectations. fear of not falling on my face and looking like a fool. fear of being mediocre which has really led me into a life of oblivion and...well....mediocracy. fear of sticking out too much or standing up for something. so out of fear i sit down and don't say much and no one really knows my name. i'm not saying i desire fame...i'm saying that God didn't gift me with the ability to open up my mouth and speak eloquently...just not to be heard. you've gifted me and for so long, i haven't used many of my gifts because of this fear......

and now...as i managed to pray for a little this morning, i realized that i am approaching a crossroads in my life. You have been moving quickly in my life, even during the past couple of months. you've replaced what i thought i lost with much MUCH more than i could ever imagine. you've comforted me. you've brought me sooooooooooo much joy. i've never experienced this. God, i thank you. some days, i sit and think about your goodness and i become overwhelmed by how much you really love me. i'm in awe of you. absolutely in awe of you.

and yet...there's this fear that creeps in when it comes to doing something new and trying something different. earlier this year, when Bishop Vaughn came, she spoke about lie-based thinking and "triggers" that set off certain responses in our existence. she drew a picture of a two circles, a smaller one inside a larger one. the smaller one was us-how we were naturally created in the image and likeness of God. it was the real us. the outer circle (or circles, depending on the amount of baggage you've accumulated over your life) was all of the foolishness we've picked up over the years. in essence, it was a protective shell, an outer appearance we gave to other people but wasn't really the real us. many people, including myself, have had this outer circle for years that we begin to think this is who we really are. my shell was one defensiveness. fear. i never really wanted people to see the real me. my boldness. my outspokenness. my real talents and abilities. perhaps that would cause them to ask more of me. i wasn't ready for responsibility because with responsibility comes risk. with risk comes the possibility of failure. with risk comes fear.

but i've never stood to look at the glass half full instead of empty. i've always seen risk endeavors as something potentially negative instead of positive. now i'm on the brink of making the riskiest decision of my life...quitting my "good paying job" to pursue my passion of photography and my dreams of being a professional storyteller.

i've never done anything like this...and yet, on the outside looking in, it seems foolish...but from where i'm standing...it seems right. for so long, i've walked down the prescribed path for my life. high school, college, masters, career...now what? looking back, i know that You have orchestrated everything in only a way that You can, but now there's this longing in my heart to do more...to know more...to see more...to experience more. life is much more than a daily grind and i've never been comfortable with it. i've already seen so much in my life...traveled to distant lands...met wonderful and diverse people...it almost seems like i've regressed instead of progressed...it's time to move forward and not look back.

i've been dreaming very vividly lately as well.

about a week ago, i dreamt that i was at an event with my old GLA co-workers. we exited the venue around dawn and the males offered to walk me back to my car because we were in a pretty bad neighborhood. i walked to my car, knowing exactly where i parked it and it was not there at all. i frantically searched the entire neighborhood until i came to the realization that my car was stolen. i was distraught, not knowing what to do or how i was going to get home. then, an old man and a little boy were walking by and a light was emanating from the little boy's face. he looked up at me with these crystal clear blue eyes and said to me..."don't worry, God does all things well". then i woke up.

i think about what my car symbolizes...freedom, independence, my ability to go wherever i want. when i'm in the driver's seat, i have complete control and can go where i want. i make the decisions about the direction in which i'm heading. with it stolen, i had no idea what to do. then, i think about the prophetic word that came forth when God told me that He's working on changing some things, particularly my independence. i haven't fully submitted to Him. i haven't fully allowed Him to be Lord of my life. i haven't yet had to completely rely upon God to meet my every need. my faith has not been truly tried and tested.

one morning last week, i asked God to speak to me clearly. i was on my way home on the bus. the day had been average. pretty decent. nothing spectacular. while conversing with ronald, i randomly told him..."u know...i've been playing with the idea of quitting my job"....and he went crazy. i asked him "wasup?" he told me he'd had a clear vision of me behind a desk with books and papers, but not at the same job where i am now. the main thing is that i was happy. initially, he brushed it off and said to God "i don't want her to get fired". but after that came out of my mouth, he was amazed because he'd had a matching vision.

God, was that you talking to me?

since then, Ron has also had a dream in which my car has been stolen. i had a dream last night that i was on Washington and Lee's campus, but i was walking towards something in West Philly. i was on my break and only had a little time to get there. as i was walking briskly, i noticed several of my current co-workers walking in the opposite direction. then, someone stopped my brisk walk and asked, "have u ever considered soccer?" i said, "no. that takes alot of running and i'm not really a runner". the person replied, "you should really try it" and went about their business.

Ron keeps saying, "get ready" because whatever's about to happen is going to happen quickly. i feel the shift taking place in the atmosphere and can't quite put my finger on it...but change is coming quickly and i pray it's for the good.

i don't know where you are taking me God, but you keep telling me to not be fearful...

my solemn prayer for today and going forward is that you lead me and guide me. be with me. protect me. keep me. allow me to hear from you and KNOW it is you.

in Jesus' name.

amen.

love.

now that i have dined sufficiently, i figure i'd write a quick post.

this was the best Christmas i've ever had. i spent time with my family members, new and old. i'm out of Philadelphia, relaxing and enjoying my vacation. i'm at peace with myself. i know that God loves me and does all things well.

i'm sure i'll update further some time this week, but seeing as i've been editing pictures for the past four hours...i figure i'd take a break.

it's all love.

YC

My Tumblr

i LOVE this song.

this man wrote me.

a former lover played this for me and i wondered how one could so perfectly capture me.

the woman he sings about he obviously loves but it's a sharp, stinging kind of love. a love that tastes at once bitter and so damn sweet.

"here we are..here we are all are...he are now....we're still here..."

he realizes that she's not perfect...but her imperfections make her perfect to him.

and then i realized that i don't want to be the woman in this song because she's lacking love. this causes her to hurt him. and he likes it and hates it at the same time. but because he's lacking love, he can't seem to figure out how to let her go....he's addicted to her. that's not what "happiness is", that's what addiction is. you've become so hooked to something you can't control, don't really know why you love it...but you love it so much. nothing about the relationship he writes about is healthy. she's broken...and i think he is too. perhaps he's brought prior brokenness to the relationship which is compounded by the hurt which she inflicts upon him. and they're "wounded together", essentially accepting the hurt until they've convinced themselves that it feels good.

sounds sadistic to me.

but i used to be this woman. i'm a strong woman and yet i possess the keen ability to hurt others in my quest to mask my insecurities. quick to deflect pain by inflicting it. headstrong. haughty. stubborn. independent. fierce. even ravenous. selfish.

and so i wonder this morning...am i ready to concede to love? am i ready to lay it all down...all boundaries...all barriers...all walls...

am i ready to REALLY love and be loved? am i ready to be led? am i ready to be obedient? am i ready to submit? am i ready to be quiet when i'm right and he's wrong? am i ready?

in my mind, i think i am.

yes, i think i am....so why does the thought of it scare me?

listen to the song. really listen to the whole thing. the music. the lyrics. hear the hurt. it's painful but it sounds so damn good.

i wonder if i'm sadistic too.

"A Beautiful Mess"

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks ‒ they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
'Cause here, here we are, here we are
Here we are [x7]

We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it's nice today. Oh, the wait was so worth it.

yesterday was great.

in a city of a million souls

aimlessly wandering around

bumping against each

i walk with purpose

knowing you're right behind me.

your love is protection

and comforting to me

and so when all the world is around

in our own company we're free

wow. found this on FB. i've come a LONG way since then...and i still have a way to go.

25 Things on a Snow Day.

by Yvonne E. Coker on Wednesday, February 4, 2009 at 12:24pm

1. i've always felt like i don't belong in any social situation. perhaps my perpetual social awkwardness birthed this strong desire to become a hermit. alas, that is NOT possible because i'm a teacher.

2. as much as i fight it, my calling is to be a teacher. i will continue, however, to fight the urge to wear seasonally themed teacher sweaters and shapeless teacher frocks.

3. oh yes...i teach english and social studies to 47 seventh and eighth graders at a charter school in Northeast Philadelphia.

4. i'm obsessed with pineapples. it's like the perfect friggin fruit. sweet, yet tangy. interesting texture. i just love them! my favorite drinks involve pineapples as well (try grand marnier and pineapple juice!). pineapple soda is LIKE THAT too!

5. i'm always attracted to the most random men. when people ask me, "what's your type?" i can't really say. the only consistency among them is that most have been LOSERS. sigh.

6. even though i’d like to become a hermit, i’m deathly afraid of being lonely. i’d love some sort of constant companionship…eventually (even if it comes in the form of a hamster).

7. i LOVE food, yet i can’t cook well. when i get some money, i’m going to take a cheap culinary arts class at a local community college. in no time, i’ll be getting my julienne on! or, Maurice can be my personal trainer.

8. i only own 6 movies, including: Love and Basketball, The Notebook, Kings of Comedy, Finding Nemo, The Best Man, and The Wood. when i get a movie, i play it incessantly. freshman year of college, the sounds of Love and Basketball lulled me to sleep every night. as you can see, i also have a thing for Sanaa Lathan and movies about upper-middle class African Americans. I also REALLY love “Brown Sugar” but i’ve been too cheap to add it to my sparse collection. early birthday present, anyone?

9. i’ve been to Africa twice and i dream of eventually becoming an ex-patriot in Accra, Ghana. i want to open a school there....my master plan is forthcoming. stay tuned.

10. the first time i could legally vote in a presidential election was November 4th, 2008.

11. i think…a lot. i always have millions of thoughts swimming around in my head, yet when i express myself, i often sound like a bumbling idiot.

12. most people think i’m mean. really mean. ok, maybe i’m a little mean. (tee hee hee). i’m really quiet when you get to know me, but i love to crack jokes all day long.

13. speaking of cracking jokes….my best friend dana is THE funniest person i’ve ever met. she’s like the sister i never had and i love her to death.

14. i wasn’t satisfied with my family life as a child. if I ever bring children into this world (we’ll see how that goes), i vow to give them a home full of love and laughter that i never had.

15. I love HARD. i despise even harder. it takes a long time for me to let people in. once you’re in, you’re in. just don’t fuck up. then, you’re definitely out. i must really love you if you get more than one chance.

16. i love mr. goodbars! so simple is the idea of creamy milk chocolate and peanuts. they’re excellent.

17. as a teacher, people always ask me about the educators who greatly influence me. my life wouldn’t be the same without Mr. Malcom McCluskey, the best high school religion teacher ever! he taught me to view the world critically. in his class, i learned about Gandhi, Romero, King, social justice, the “Spiral of Violence”…and the list can go on. i knew i hated injustice and human suffering of any kind, i just didn’t know what to do with those feelings. Mr. McCluskey showed me the path, and i’ve been running ever since.

18. many people search for years not knowing their calling. God revealed a portion of his purpose for me in a freshman level poverty studies seminar.

19. i really want one of those newfangled touch screen phones, but i don’t know that many people to become a texting queen. i’ll stick with my T-9 capability.

20. in my next lifetime, i want to be a wedding coordinator. Cultural Anthropologist: my other dream job. perhaps in the next, next lifetime.

21. i am OBSESSED with “The Wire.” i first watched Season Four and quickly became addicted. Christmas Break, 07-08: I showed up to Megan’s house looking like “Bubbles” (all my Wire fans know), asking for the complete set of Season 1. *shaking and stammering*… “le, le, le, le, le lemme get that season one though.” i watched the first four seasons in 4 days. when Dookie became a junkie, I CRIED! dana had to yell at me to pull myself together. but it’s a serious matter.

22. i used to be really good with money. now, not so much.

23. i can’t wait to get my taxes done so i can temporarily ball out of control/ pay some bills on time.

24. i love songs that touch my soul. my latest kick is Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes, “I Miss You.” “It’s Getting Late” by Floetry will always be a personal favorite.

25. i’m running from God, and i want to stop.

all in all, life’s pretty cool.

ehhhh, whatever.

will?

soulful.

if my soul could talk, what would it say?

could it tell you about the darkness it's seen?

black days,

even darker nights.

the pits of hell reaching in for the kill to take it

and all that was left of me.

it would tell you it was weary

and tired

in need of much rest

care

love

tenderness

it wept,

perhaps like jesus,

but moreso in anger that it felt alone.

or maybe if my soul could talk it wouldn't.

it'd use its voice to sing the songs that tell my life's story.

first it would whistle...

then it would hum....

then a deep throaty groan...

turned desperate whisper to be heard....

but my soul has a new song today

it's voice emerges as one to be heard....

and the sound?

well, it's melodious and calm...

while joyful and sincere...

and even when it's belting from the top of its lungs...

the voice doesn't bother anyone...

for there are many who've been waiting to hear

what it sounds like.

so right now,

my soul sings to the top full

up to the brim....

cup running over with goodness

and now the sound is so sweet

and sticky like the honey

attracting love from near and far away...

and when my soul sees you

it can't help but shriek

for the excitement and the joy

but sometimes it's breathless

and not a sound escapes

that's ok

because in the silence of our souls

rests our love

in a secret, quiet place known only to us

it's for us

and our souls hide there

relishing the silence and

mouthing love with breaths rather than sound.

my tumblr

My Tumblr

"...what's it really like to be loved....?"

My flesh wants to go back to what is familiar.

My spirit says "NO".

this Romans 7 struggle.....Paul was not kidding at all....

Adam....u raggedy, raggedy Nigga to have had subjected me to this foolishness. God I thank you for redemption and salvation. There's nothing good within my nature...but I thank God that the Holy Spirit dwells within me...cuz if not.....Smh.

God help me to stay focused on you. When I don't....I become mean. I don't want to go back to that. I really don't. I like joyful, peaceful yvonne.

Amen.

Help me to pull it together cuz right now I feel like im holding it together...im battling apathy...that "blah" feeling that nothing matters....can't just be the weather....

Help me to be an asset and not a liability....

Help me to help someone else...

God give me wisdom....

I am refocusing my sights on you, as of this very instant....because if I continue on this path...I might as well just throw in the towel....the former yvonne will be back with a vengeance....

Let me get back to work....

Be gracious....

*mumbles*....


Shdisjwjdkdjejsjdbdksjsbdbd

Ok.

Tapping fingers against my desk.

Crease in my brow.

Crease in my brow.

I guess im going to have to get used to not getting what I want.

Smh.

I will not let frustration steal my joy.

I am all over the place.

Im over this wedding non sense before it even begins.....

God. Help me.

he gave me a vision this morning...

and i wept at its clarity and magnitude...

i will be the founder and CEO of a non-profit organization called "No Boundaries" that will send thousands of low-income high school students to participate in summer study abroad experiences in various countries each year for no charge at all. the program is designed to enrich the lives of low-income students who wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity to travel abroad, and have them understand the dynamics of a changing world and what it REALLY means to live in a global economy. The "No Boundaries" experience will redefine the educational experience. Many schools will come to my non-profit to manage their study abroad experiences, especially those schools which have never done anything like this before...even my former and current employers, Global Leadership Academy and Mastery Charter School, respectively. the first several trips will be to Africa...and then, it will begin to expand.

what about the money, God?

the government, private donors...heads of state. this will become a diplomatic tool. i'll sit down with heads of state and important diplomats.

me?

me?

ummm.

let me go to church. this is a lot to handle.

i need confirmation. God, i need confirmation. if this is just some crazy idea...then let it be. if this is true...i REALLY need confirmation, agreement...SOMETHING.

about to wrap my snuggie around me really tightly...and head off to sleep.

wait upon the Lord....

be still and know that I am God.

i'm so used to having a plan....so used to know where i'm going...so used to having a next step...

i'm unsettled right now because this is the first time in my life when that is not so.

during this season, i have to wait and be still for Him to reveal destiny and purpose and plans and vision and future and next steps....

wait.

be still.

but be anxious for nothing, but with prayer and supplication make your requests known to God....


wait.

be still.

wait.

be still.

good night.

Note to self....
When u don't grocery shop, u eat VERY poorly. Please do better with ur life.
Love,
YC

I think my glands are starting to feel a little bit swollen....unh unh....I bind up the spirit of infirmity right now in Jesus' name.

I have an hour left at work....and hour and fifty minutes until I can eat....I haven't even drank water today.....help me Holy Ghost.

Im going to finish this instructional display in my classroom, listen to some worship music, and speak in tongues until 4. Peace, YC