Pride, jealousy, envy, selfishness, anger, self-righteousness....

My heart is desperately wicked...who can know it?

Everything (except the Holy Ghost in me) wants a piece of chicken right now.

I guess there's a whole lot of other shit in me, huh?

Chicken it is.  Fried.

Good night.

I'm learning.

Thank You and you for grace.  Because Lord knows I dont always get it right.

Goodnight.

march and snow and spring break

woke up to the morning flurries.

well...no...woke up to someone having an argument in the middle of the street...sounds like someone was getting kicked out the house....

woke up to a text message from the girl saying she wouldn't have the deposit until april14th....

hmm...thank God i wasn't depending on that money for anything.

woke up to prayer....binding and loosing...

woke up to anticipation...

there are less than three months...

this is a week off...but it still feels like a busy week...

this week, i'd like to accomplish:

-my section of the application for the charter school+ data aggregation
-a photoshoot with Shinaya Tuesday evening...
-horticulture center and Michaels with Jameelah
-Skype with Cynthia
-purchasing invitations from smartpress
-breakfast with Pastor Thomas
-passing out flyers at least once
-skating party

i would have loved to go home...but sometimes...things just don't work out.  atlantic city is...ln't on the radar...i just don't have a penchant for walking around in the cold.  maybe when it gets warmer....

snow flurries falling from outside of my window....

crazy hair....post worship....looking kind of tired.

Thank God for rest.

and of course...

three months to the day of my wedding....my period starts....

what.the.hell?

Three months.

Three months.ths until I am his wife.

Pondering many things this morning and praying for the peace that passeth all understanding.

Maybe I will go take that $20 trip to AC after all.

And one of these days soon, I'll be taking early morning flights somewhere to take photos. But for this spring break, im content with someone else driving to jersey.

Amen.

like....

apart of me wants to be overwhelmed right now...but i really can't.  i have less than 12 days to get this data into this application that must be submitted on April 1st.  Jesus.

i'm so freaking tired.  it's not a game. 

i need a full body massage.  a manicure.  a pedicure.  my eyebrows done...

and hibernation for like two days.

no lie.

my brother is 11.  i look at the way he clings to my mother.  in many ways, he's a mother's boy.  i can't blame him or her however....they have each other and they have God.  i know that God will make up the difference for the lack of strong male presence in his life.

i don't remember being that attached to my mother.  not at 11 anyway....maybe at five or six....i remember there being a gradual pulling away and then there was really no connection at all...an artificial one....a space there....

really a space between me and both of my parents...

i kind of just....grew up.  thank God that He was leading me and guiding me along the way because i was vulnerable to ALOT.  i'm thankful that the situations i did find myself in didn't completely do me in.

because at 11, i was at home by myself in the evenings....my father worked all day long...we were sleeping on the roach infested floor of an apartment that was down the street from our house....

at 10 i stopped being a child....i didn't have time to cling to other people...because people needed to cling to me...and so i developed my stolid exterior...and my togetherness...and my very adult-like nature even in with the body of a child....and no one was there to teach this adult-like girl how to be a woman...and so i stumbled and fumbled my way through....trying to look like i had it all together.

so when i see my brother clinging to my mother...i don't really feel jealousy.  i know he'll grow up to be fine.  i just realize that even though we come from the same womb...we walk different paths.  mine has shaped me into the person i am today....and i'm ok with that.

and i don't really know if i'll ever be physically close with my mother.  that's ok too.  i honor her.  i am thankful for her.  we can have conversations and laugh.  she is the woman who bore me and gave me life.

the healing will manifest itself in my relationship with my daughter.  because i will be a mother unto her and she won't have to endure what i did.  i'll teach her how to be a woman.  i'll show her how to be strong by my example.

redemption will be complete.

amen.

Jesus.

no one who puts their trust in your name Lord will be put to shame.

crazy parents.

sense of entitlement.

these are the life lesson's we're teaching our kids.

i don't quite understand.

how do you get your money back when your child acts a nutty fool?  if i, as an adult, don't do what i'm supposed to do...i don't quite get the right to complain or believe that i am entitled to what i have not earned.  why don't these children realize that there are consequences for their actions?  i don't get it....why should they be expected to enjoy something when they haven't behaved properly....

if i did what some of these students had done...i'd be scared to even go home to my parents...because they wouldn't blame the school...THEY'D BLAME ME!

if anything, your wrath should be taken out on them and not on us....

God...i just wanted to plan a meaningful experience for these students...i may not have gotten it perfect along the way, but you know my intentions...and this was not one of them...

protect me from my enemies and let them see the error in their ways....

in Jesus' name i ask.

amen.

rainy tuesday morning and music.

i heard singing this morning...pitch perfect...like the voice of an angel (well, rather, like the voice of Beyonce...don't judge my life)...but it was clear...every note was sharp and distinct....but it was like the music was coming from me...

i've prayed for God to give me songs to sing to Him...to worship Him...

language.....heavenly communication...

if I delight myself in you, you will give me the desires of my heart.

give me the desires of your heart.  please.

because clearly, i don't even know what to ask for sometimes.

i don't want the desires of someone else's heart.  is someone else's path to greatness my path to obscurity?  am i just a punk for not following my own dreams?  are my own dreams not even real?  is that why they're just dreams?  is what i'm doing just a path to my own dreams?

like...these are real questions that i think about.

reminding myself of the vision

this is what we have been praying for.  so when i pay off my tithes and my bills and have a little left to my name....this is what i fall back on.

Lord, help me to manage the small that I do have.  There have been several times during this process when the enemy would try to get into my head...."Just think about all the money you could have saved if you didn't tithe or give your Bishop an offering....just think about all of the money you would have"....but i can't even stop if i tried.  it's not right.  it wouldn't honor you.  plus, when all else fails and i think i don't have faith, i remember the fact that i will NOT stop tithing and that's a sign that my faith is still strong.  because God, you said that you would open up the windows of heaven and pour me out a blessing that i would not have room enough to receive.  you said that you could do exceedingly and abundantly above all that i could ever ask or think according to the power that's working in me.  God You promised that if i made my requests known unto You with prayer and thanksgiving, that the peace that passed all understanding would guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.  You said that if i opened up my mouth and told my mountains of circumstances to be removed, that I would have it if I believe.  

so in the tithe and the offering, i will be faithful.  and i will remember that my faith has not and will not fail me.  because You will rebuke the devourer.  You do miracles.  You created the heavens and the earth...by faith. 

i admit and repent because i've been  frustrated when i look at other people who are not honoring you with their bodies...their lives...their talents.  they have extraordinary wealth and can make things happen on their own.  we are serving You and being faithful to You.  so i do receive comfort when You say that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous.  no good thing will you withhold from those who walk upright before you.
e
it's march.  our wedding is in june.  people are asking for their money.  we knew we couldn't pay for it on our own accord when we signed the contracts.  so we signed the contracts by faith, knowing that you are not a man that you should lie.  we sowed seeds in faith, knowing that you are our only source for this.  we went to look at houses in faith...knowing that you were the only one who could make this happen.  so yes...it's march.  and our wedding is in june.  

and this is why our faith is growing in substance everyday.  God I thank you in advance for how you're going to show yourself mightily in the name of Jesus.

1. EVERY BILL/NEED/FINANCIAL OBLIGATION CONCERNING OUR WEDDING, RECEPTION, HONEYMOON, AND NEW LIVING SITUATION WILL BE MET ON TIME!!!!!!!!!!!  WE WILL WALK DOWN THE AISLE WITHOUT ANY DEBT OR FINANCIAL OBLIGATION FOR THIS WEDDING OR HONEYMOON OR LIVING SITUATION! You get the glory out of this day. Seriously. When people ask, "WOW, this is beautiful...how much was it?" or "How did you do all of this????"...the ONLY thing that I can say is "God did ALL of this...it was none of our doing....but we relied solely upon Him and He was faithful to us....".  This wedding will be so glorious in it's splendor to the natural eye that even unbelievers will know that OUR GOD IS REAL. 

2. You be in the midst of the wedding.  Allow our wedding to change lives.  Have your way with our family members and friends in attendance because You will be in the midst...in the sanctuary and in the reception.

3. The Holy spirit will keep us sexually celibate and pure during our courtship until our wedding night.  This means, no verbal or physical gestures or insinuations, no time spent alone in each other's houses, no lingering in enclosed spaces by ourselves.  Also, this means no masturbation.

4. We will have a wedding coordinator who is organized, prompt, thorough, and enthusiastic to work with us.  The coordinator(s) will have an artistic eye and will help solidify the artistic vision of the ceremony and reception by adding personal and stylish touches in line with the bride's own.  The coordinator(s) will work smoothly with the church and reception personal as well as all vendors, eliminating all stress from the bride and groom during the process and on the wedding day.  With finite detail and expertise, they will help plan the wedding to a tee so that execution takes place flawlessly and seamlessly and transition between process coordinators and day of executors will be smooth.

5. I will have a beautifully tailored dress and accessories that fits me perfectly in terms of size and style made with fine materials and expertise.

6. Ron will be a dapper, and well-groomed STUNNING groom who epitomizes style in his custom fit, exquisitely tailored suit, complete with appropriate and equally stunning accessories.

7. We will have a stunning and personalized ceremony that is executed on time.  The design and the florals (by Vito at Carl Alan Florals) will be impeccably created.  The ceremony will include personal touches about our relationship from the decor to Bishop's inclusion of us when he discusses the marriage covenant. 

8.  All those family and friends invited WILL  travel safely to Philadelphia to attend the wedding and reception without difficulty and will have enough money to cover their travel and lodging expenses.

9. There WILL BE peaceful and loving interaction between all members of the bridal party AND between all of our family members and friends.

10. The weather WILL BE BEAUTIFUL complete with the sun shining, cool and comfortable temperatures, no humidity, and no rain. 

11. Latasha and Isaiah Haynes will be our  photographer and videographer that capture our love superbly and artistically, creatively and beautifully telling and preserving our story through their lenses.

12. We will host one formal reception at the Horticulture Center in Fairmount Park beginning at 6 with a cocktail hour and hors d'oeuvres and 7 with dinner and dancing.
13. The wedding decor at the ceremony and reception sites will be elegant and romantic, and reflect that of a romantic tropical evening.  We will have candles, brightly colored exotic flowers creating a beautiful, stylish, and elegant atmosphere for our guests.

14.  We will have extremely tasty food at our cocktail hour and reception!

15. The formal reception will be FUN for all invited, including much dancing and celebrating our new nuptials!  There will be laughter, joy, fun, celebration, and love up until the VERY END and we will be able to spend time enjoying our friends and family who came out to celebrate us.

16. We will have an unforgettably excellent experience on our honeymoon in a beautiful location with word class amenities, during which we will: make love and explore each other under the sanctity of our sacred marriage covenant; relax and enjoy VACATION; engage in activities we've never done before; spend time alone, getting to know one another again and cherishing our new life together. (Longest, and probably most incorrect sentence ever!)

17. Upon return from our honeymoon, we will begin settling into our newly purchased home that is suitable for our needs as a newly married couple and will allow us to grow into our next stage in life.  We will have favor with mortgage lenders and even on the price of the home.  We will have already moved both of our belongings into this home before the wedding and honeymoon so that, upon returning, we can focus solely on settling into it.

I just want to get there, so that I can enjoy it and move on.

Life is so much more.

so i'm sitting here watching this first episode of "The Bible"...besides little quirks, it serves to remind me of how much faith the fathers of the old testament had.

abraham...pretty much uprooted his whole family and traveled to this new land based upon God's word.  he was willing to sacrifice the one thing God had promised him just knowing that God would not forsake him.

the Red Sea OPENED for Moses with an entire army behind him....talk about a tight situation....but that's where faith becomes real...

tight situations...that's where faith becomes real.

and so...the situation is tight.  by faith we have the money....but we can't see it yet.

i look around....others are doing it their own way...the worlds way....we want to honor you with our lives...with our marriage....surely God will open up a window of heaven and pour us out a blessing that we will not have room enough to receive.

that is what He promised....that was His Word to us.  and if was ask and believe that we have what we ask for...if it is in His will....then we have it.

so we have it.  it is ours.

thank you Lord.

thank you.

It's only

Tuesday...

Keep calm and try not to nod off.

today

this morning, i woke up.  found it difficult to pray.  i admit, i went back to sleep like i've been doing for the past several months....

had a foul dream in which i was engaged in some inappropriate sexual activity...but before i could fully engage in the activity, pastor sheila snatched me up and began to lay hands on me and pray for me.

then i woke up.

this afternoon, immediately after my last class dismissed, a young man dressed in blue slacks, a white shirt, and tie came in.  he looked familiar.  tall.  slender.  he asked if he could speak with me.  i told him to hold on while i worked with one of my students.  after she left, i approached him.  he said..."i don't know if you remember me but you spoke to me in October 2011...."....

and then it dawned on me....i remember that evening too.  he used to work for our school's cleaning crew.  one night in october 2011, we were on the elevator together and i noticed he looked down.  i asked him what the matter was and he told me life was overall crappy.  he looked depressed.  he didn't have enough money to go back to drexel so he was working this job just to make ends meet.

we got off the elevator....

but the Holy Spirit told me to go back and just give him some words of encouragement.  i told him that no matter what the situation looked like, it was going to be ok.  i told him not to worry.

shortly thereafter, i saw him again....i think Ron and I had gone downtown or to old city...and i saw him...this time, being handcuffed and placed in the back of a police vehicle.  he said he wasn't in trouble.  that he had temporarily lost his mind and asked the police to help him.

he now works in a coffee shop in germantown.  he wanted to stop down at the school to see me.   he hasn't been able to get back to school, but he told me he's planning on taking the tests to become an officer in Delaware County.

i invited him to church on Sunday.  he said he's Muslim but he would like to come anyway.

interesting.  God....what?

ok.

Lord. You know the desires of my heart.

Thank You.

Praise Him