i really just want to scream right now....at everybody...and everything...for real.

people who send me text messages in all CAPS
people who underestimate my intelligence and experience
people who are going through the motions
people who micromanage me

but that would probably not be productive....

so let me go harness this energy in a positive way.

wait...before that, i'm going to close my eyes and imagine myself on a beach with white sand, blue water, and like 2 people...a fruity drink in one hand and some sort of fried doughy pastry covered in powdered sugar in my left.

everyone can pretty much kick rocks right now.

tantrum over.

back to reality.

boom.

Another day to restart.....

Thanks be to God.

Why am I still struggling with God in this way?  Why is there so much fear and anxiety in my heart?  Why, when I try to pray do I find it so difficult?  Do I not believe?

Kumquats, belly bands, and nipple cream

I wonder if I'll soon get tired of reading pregnancy "tips" and exhaustive lists of "do'a and don'ts. Jut like the world has commercialized EVERYTHING else, they've found numerous ways to make more than a buck off of what should be one of the most precious times in a woman's life.  Websites like the bump.com and pregnancycenter.com are littered with countless advertisements of everything from umbilical cord preservation services to maternity bras.  Blehhhhhhhh.  Almost makes me nauseous again.  I don't doubt that we will have to shell out money in the months coming (well lets face it, in the years coming lol) but can we just enjoy this time as new parents.  All I want to know is how big the baby is and your website insists on selling me "belly bands" to place over my growing stomach so I can still wear my regular pants.  I get it. Where there is a need, regardless of how weird or seemingly taboo (nipple cream anyone?), there will be someone with a hand stuck out to make a profit.  This is America where capitalism reigns.  As for me and my house,  I think I'm going to hold out a few weeks longer even though my pants are snug as all outdoors and my dresses make me look like I had one too many helpings at mother's kitchen.  It's the principal I suppose lol.  In the meantime,  I'll still keep checking the websites weekly to determine what uncommon and exotic fruit my baby's size will be compared to.  Kumquat Simms?

Oh. Ok.

My relationship with food right now is contentious, if not downright violent.  I find no pleasure in eating except to calm the rocky hunger pangs in my stomach.  I crave something different every single day.  My stomach is holding less which means I am eating less....and I am hungry more.  If I dare miss a meal,  my body punishes me by heaving until green bile spews out of my mouth.  Sometimes,  I find it sickeningly cathartic but I know it's abusive.  The prenatal pill makes me a different type of nauseous. The slightest aromas, pleasant or not, are aggressive and attack my sense of smell like a ninja, creeping up unaware and then POW! out of nowhere, my brain is scrambling trying to hold my stomach at bay, and keep an appropriate/non-offensive look on my face if I am in the presence of people.  My own mother's body odor offended me so much last weekend that I had to sit across the table from her at a restaurant.  I used to love sticking my face into my husband's armpit after he had slathered on some fresh deodorant.  Now,  I cringe at the very thought.

God has intricately designed these things to be so. Who am I to question?  It would be nice to like food again but soon and very soon all will be back to normal again.  On the meantime, I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my personal day forcing root chips down my throat for the sake of having something in my stomach.