God....

marveling at your splendor and ability to move when you want to move. you're a mighty God. you're also a God with an intense sense of humor.

so today, i'll laugh with you, remembering fully that the joy of the Lord is my strength. i'll laugh with you God and thank you for your plan.

man plans...God laughs.

i sure did have my own agenda mapped out, but you said "not so." for that, i'm eternally grateful.

a plan and a purpose. and so, this life is to be lived accordingly...with great reverence, honor, and respect.

the sky is the limit...

we walked through center city hand in hand last night.
i looked across the table into your light brown eyes.
i thought to myself, "how pretty. how beautiful you are, inside and out."
crisp fall air wraps us in a protective cool covering.
the sun is setting on the day but the love has just begun.
because i can smell something good.
and every sense is awakened now.
my soul is sensitive to your very being.
i relish your presence.
long for your voice.
listen for your heart.
melt in your hands.
love you with my life.
this.
is.
it.

never felt this way....it feels so good *in my brian mcknight voice* lol.

i didn't realize how tired i was last night. i must have fallen asleep when writing this entry, but i finished most of it before i dozed off...so here goes...

i've always loved love songs. good love songs. i'm not talking about this chris brown, trey songz, "baby-lemme-have-sex-with-you-real-good-and-whine-in-my-falsetto-and-or-fake-r-kelly-voice" songs....i'm talking love songs.

marvin gaye.

al greene.

teddy pendergrass.

brian mcknight.

kindred the family soul.

jill scott.

songs that when you hear them, you can't deny the depth of what the singer/songwriter felt when they used melodies, harmonies, and words to capture the very essence of what they were experiencing.

love.

i feel that way right now. and like Brian McKnight said in the song above...i never felt this way about loving...it feels so good.

ronald simms is the love of my life and i'm going to be his wife.

how it takes my breath

starts a pounding in my chest

makes me weak

when i think about you....

we've known each other for almost 6 years...we've loved each other for almost 6 years....but during the majority of that time, our self-created circumstances never allowed us to fully acknowledge the love that was there from day one.

and so the love for him which i suppressed for so many years, only because i had to, is oozing out of every pore. every part of my sings when i see him. when i think about him, my face becomes brighter. i love being in his presence. i love being held in his large and protective embrace. i haven't stopped smiling for almost a week and a half.

there's so much more that i can chronicle in here but i'll save that for my hand-written journal. in the meantime, i just want to shout this from the rooftops....

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

you don't know where you're going...

until you acknowledge where you've been and realize how far God has brought you.

Romans 8:18-21.

Deuteronomy 4:25-31.

God, i repent from my conscious disobedience, however miniscule i believed it was in my own sight. for i was erroneous, and grieved you much. you subjected me the frustration to fully comprehend your saving power. God, this morning i thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me. my sufferings could not compare the future glory that you were going to reveal in me. wow.

let the glory of the Lord rise among us. God i sing praises to your Holy name this morning. praises to your Holy, Holy, name.

thank you for saving a wretch like me. your grace is AMAZING and i truly understand that song now. thank you God.

i see the Lord...

i've been riding a wave of high worship all day long.

last night, while ronald and i were talking, he described the feeling of "going in" during worship and being so lost that when he opened up he would see the cloud of worship in the atmosphere....

why had i never experienced that? i wanted to "go in" too but i never thought i had the keys.

during praise and worship practice yesterday, i began leading "awesome in this place"...i was just on the cusp of beginning to cry out to God and the piano player began to take the song in another direction. Deac. Evelyn stopped and warned against distractions. the Holy Spirit told her that i was almost there, and indeed i was. when we restarted the song, i began with the normal adlibs i regularly do...and then something happened. i can't fully describe it, but it was almost like a shift. instead of thinking about my surroundings, i began singing a love song to God. i thought about the words of the song...then i thought about where i was...how low i was...and how quickly He salvaged my life...and i wanted Him to be pleased with what i was singing to Him.

and needless to say...i "went in"...and everyone else followed me. by the time i was over, i was face down on the floor in tears.

wow.

God.is.moving.

wow.

and the cloud was there.

and i saw the Lord.

oh, taste and see that the Lord is good.

i am so in love with God.

wow.

You Make All Things New...

you make all things new

you make all things new

and i will follow you forward......

you make all things new

yes, you make all things new

and i will follow you forward...

hallelujahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

look at me now...who woulda thought i'd be right here...

where you lead me

i will follow

i will follow you forward....

where you lead me

i will follow

i will follow you forward...

this Jessica Reedy album is ministering to me something serious. i'm on the final day of my fast and my God, my God, my God....i'm AMAZED....simply astonished by HIM! He's an awesome God and i reverence Him right now in the beauty of His HOLINESS! God is HOLY! He's a sovereign God full of power, full of might, full of majesty, full of splendor. i worship a HOLY God. a separate God. an incomparable God.

God YOU alone are HOLY. i've finally realized that's what this fast was about...realizing that God is Holy and just like He's HOLY, He wants me to be holy. God....wow. i'm in awe of how you're able to make me Holy....ME...

you don't understand.....

ME????

"who am i that You are mindful of me?", i asked him in worship this morning. He answered....

"You're my son"......

HALLELUJAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you can't understand....can't even possibly comprehend what His words meant to me this morning.

Oh Father....Father.....Father....God you're worthy. Oh my God, you're so worthy. I love you so much. God I love you. God I love you.

I feel so brand new.

I feel like a new creation.

God thank you for making me new. Thank you for making my life brand new. Thank you for restoring the waste places in my life. Thank you for streams of living water in what was the barren desert of my life. Oh if anyone only knew how low i was they'd understand and appreciate how i feel....but they can't. i can only worship You for myself. and i worship You oh MY GOD in spirit and in truth. i worship you in the beauty of your HOLINESS.

you made me new God. thank you. my soul called out for you. you provided refuge for me oh God. i called out to you and you answered. God thank you for not forgetting me.

thank you.

i'm surrendered. i bow down. i give my life away to you. take full control. take over God. take over me.

use me. i'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. i'm leaving those things behind me and pressing towards the mark for the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus. i'm laying aside every sin, every weight, every hinderance that does so easily beset me....God...you've broken yokes...you've brought me out of bondage, you've BLESSED ME so much...how can i not take up your yoke...it's LIGHT compared to the sin that used to weigh me down. Oh to God be the glory this morning....to God truly be the Glory.....magnificence...honor...power...splendor....

you're awesome God. thank you for making me new. thank you for making all things new. thank you for refuge. thank you for water. thank you for salvation. thank you for SONSHIP. thank you for birthing something new in me....for restoring me.

Oh God...you're worthy and i bless your name this morning.

"Pour out your heart to Him...God is a refuge for us...Selah" Psalms 63.

i love you Lord. i love you so much.

I Feel So Alive....

two months ago i was depressed. i was low. i was so low, had suicidal thoughts. i cried out to God for help. i'd called out may times before, but i never mixed my pleas with faith. this time was the last time, for if i sunk any deeper, i'd be dead. my soul was dying. i'd lost my way. i'd lost my sense of self...my sense of purpose. each morning, i'd wake up, sit on the edge of the bed and wonder why God even made me. why was he even allowing me to continue to live? i felt like a waste of a person.

i know now i felt that way for many reasons, mainly because of my partial disobedience. i attended church, i spoke in tongues, i sang on the praise and worship team, but there were areas in my life which were completely out of the will of God. not only was i conscious of them, but i purposefully did things i knew weren't pleasing to God. i don't know if He was breaking my heart because i was breaking His. as i grieved Him, did he grieve me? i can't imagine that was the case, as He loves us even when we don't or can't love ourselves. however, He will subject us to frustration in order to draw us closer to Him. and so, i lived my life in this rut...day in and day out i would just go...wheels spinning in no particular direction...alive but not really living. i felt like the walking dead. i wished someone would simply put me out of my misery.

i felt trapped in a relationship that was killing my soul. each day, the once brilliant glimmer that used to be me would dim ever so slightly until one could barely remember that i used to shine.

and then things started to change. Bishop began preaching a series which has changed my life. i started mixing faith with what i heard because that's all i had left. i'd relied upon my natural desires which had left me frustrated, confused, and distraught. clearly, i needed another way out of my misery so i fully turned to God.

6 weeks ago, he and i were planning to move in together. we'd attempted this in the past, and each time we moved closer to the move in date, i'd become physically ill or depressed. of course, being the hard-headed person i am, i decided that it was going to work this time. yes...this time, i was going to shove all of those inclinations NOT to do it and go ahead and take the plunge. fear had gripped me so that i was acting against my very basic instincts and those instincts were really the Holy Spirit tugging at me and telling me NOT to do that. i was absolutely miserable and needed help....fast.

one saturday night, i wrote a journal entry in my other blog (which i reference in one of the videos below) and in it i called out for help. and help came in the form of a friend who prayed for me and prophesied over me. help came a couple of weeks later in the form of Pastor Steph who prayed for me. i confessed all of the dark, hidden things which had hindered me. that day, i went home and i told him i couldn't be with him anymore and that the relationship was killing my soul. he left. there was no big argument. there was no drama. there was no tug of war. it was over....and i was resolute.

no turning back.

God has been faithful to me. i can't believe that all this time i was blocking Him from flowing freely in my life the way He wanted to. however, He needed me to act first...and i did. i'm thankful.

i feel so alive right now....right now...everything is moving so quickly....as if God was just waiting for me to agree so He could do His thing. i smile more now. i feel His presence everywhere i go. i listen to Him and His voice is growing from a faint breeze to a distinct sound.

God i hear you and i'm here to obey you. i give my life to you. lead me where you want me to go.

lead me and guide me to do your will on this earth. everything to the glory of God.

in Jesus' name i pray,

Amen.

i used to love jill scott and even though i'm not feeling many cuts on her most recent album, when i heard this back in the summer of 2010 for the first time, i cried. i was in the car driving somewhere on a saturday afternoon and i was at a stop light. tear started streaming down my face because the raw emotion in this song struck a chord with the anguish i'd been experiencing.