Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.--Song of Solomon

an oak of righteousness....

these are my love letters God.

these are my love letters to you.

⁵ For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54:5

wednesday evening, Bishop began speaking about seed and a man's need to give his seed. man has seed but that seed is nothing without ground into which it can be sown and multiplied. therefore, a man takes a wife to sow his seed and to reap a harvest. a woman will reproduce any seed a man places inside of her. perhaps that is a testament to not only the strength and power of a woman, but also to the fact that a man needs a woman if he is to manifest anything here on this earth. if he sows bad seed into her, she will reproduce it and vice versa. if he sows good seed into her, she will in turn reproduce that good seed.

bishop has been speaking out of the book of hebrews and now we have turned to this prophetic verse in isaiah where the prophet is speaking to the children of israel who are at the end of a period of exile. the prophet is telling the children of exile to sing as if they were a barren woman who is now with child. he exhorts them to break forth on the right and on the left and enlarge their tents. one verse says to "stretch your curtains wide". i've read the chapter over several times and each time, there's a line that catches my attention...the one mentioned above. of course, this verse is prophetic when it comes to Christ, who considered the church to be his bride. yet i just love how the word is so rich, it can apply itself to any situation.

ronald and i are not married yet. he is not my husband. some days, we jokingly laugh about this, especially when he asks me to do things i'd rather not do (i.e. wash a nasty sink full of dishes...lol)....but in all seriousness, we are not married. as much as we long for each other. as much as we want to be in each other's presence. as much as i want him to hold me each night in his arms and make love to me until my body can't take it anymore...as much as i yearn to call him my husband and freely express every part of my love for him....

he is not my husband. and they Holy Spirit has really been checking me on that lately. i mean REALLY.

a couple of weeks ago, i wound up at his house late. cooked for him....KNEW i should have left and wound up falling back into that pattern of sin and repentance. there was more than enough time for me to leave his apartment....and yet i stayed because my body wanted to be held. my body, my flesh, my desires took control when there was clearly another choice i could have made. the Bible says

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

sin is not too much to bear. i haven't yet resisted sin to the point of shedding blood. God, i love that man so much...but i love him because i love You. i'm tired of disappointing you. i'm not perfect, BUT i do know that i love YOU and hope that YOU are please with my development.

ronald is not my husband.

yesterday, i dropped food off again and i initially intended to stay for a while, do some work, and go home. as i was getting dressed and ready to leave, i picked up my laptop and the Holy Spirit said, "No." even when i pulled up in front of his apartment, i reasoned with myself..."Oh he can just sit in my car for a couple of minutes"....

the Holy Spirit said "No".

he kissed me on my lips yesterday and i felt the electricity that's always there....so today, when i saw him, i offered him my cheek, making sure not to get too close....not to stir up passion before it's time. i'm vowing to do everything in my effort to keep that door closed.

the man fasted for 7 days. no food. that's serious. oh....there is no going back after that. he's shifted, and now, so have i. there's a new level of responsibility and stewardship over this love and this relationship that God has allowed us to have with one another. gone are the days of recklessness and carelessness. we have to be the examples of Christ and of godly courtship.

and in terms of seed....i wholeheartedly receive God's seed for He is my husband. He is preparing me for the things He needs me to do. He is sowing seed in me so that i will reproduce Christ's image and likeness in my words, my thoughts, and in my deeds. that His seeds will grow into a manifestation of the glory and the power of God. He is preparing me for my husband who, when we become one flesh, will plant Godly seeds of his spirit in me which i will also reproduce.

there is a time for planting and there is a time for reaping. in this season, God is doing the sowing....and since i'm allowing God to do that in me, i will nurture what He gives me with everything i have in me. i will allow my Bishop, First Lady, and the leaders of my church to nurture and water those seeds. i will allow the Holy Spirit to fertilize those seeds day and night by keeping myself in the love of God and praying in the Holy Ghost.

My maker is my husband...and i seek to be intimate with Him first. this is a part of the preparation i need to be a godly wife to ronald. before i can truly be intimate with him, i must seek to be intimate with Him.

YC

8:52....correction 8:53 p.m.

just sitting here marveling at the little things God does. He's so awesome. my joy and my peace.....

i have a smile on my face despite the foolishness of the day.

i broke my work laptop and lost about 7 months work of lessons, plans, powerpoints, and worksheets, not to mention miscellaneous files.

after it dropped, i had this most serene feeling come over me.

peace that passeth all understanding.

the children were out of control today....absolutely.

and yet....i didn't yell.

the peace that passeth all understanding.

no fuss. no worries. at the end of the day, i sowed into a couple of students lives. one student who doesn't even have me said "you look like a nice person. i wish i had you".

when the enemy comes in like a flood the Lord will lift up a standard....

i thank God.

God is moving! every sunday and wednesday when i hear bishop preach, i just know there's something breaking in the atmosphere. God is using that man to speak to his church. He's preaching the kingdom...not that it has come but that's it's HERE. the kingdom is inside of us and needs us to allow it to dwell in us so it can breakthrough. God is moving and He's moving quickly. the changes i see in Ron are phenomenal. His whole countenance has changed. someone who i never really considered seriously is now walking confidently in his manhood and upright with assurance because His trust is resting in God. i am stunned and amazed and proud and overwhelmed all at once. WOW. this is the perfect man for me....and i KNOW this can only be God.

Bishop spoke yesterday about what he had to do as a husband. the man has the seed but the only way he can reproduce anything is by sowing into his wife. wow. and not just in the natural....but spiritually.

sigh....just some random musings....

i'm excited about what God is doing in my life.

.......

a few hours away from the first day of february....

page 31 of 366 coming to a close...

the weather is so beautiful outside. i'm sitting in my bed with the window opened. maybe i'm inspired to write some poetry.

1

God is feels like the first days of spring. shy. cool. calm.

soothing. soft. simple.

breeze that floats past the curtain, only to come and caress you.

i lay on my bed and silently beg for the the air to

sigh

on

me.

the breeze is so warm and free...easy and clean.

soothing.soft.simple.

and sweet.

2

when you asked me if i remembered our first kiss, i lied.

i didn't

at the time.

and then i saw the light in your eyes.

your light in my eyes.

yes you're the light in my eyes.

and the past darkness which once clouded the love

of my memory

began to glimmer with the reflection from a pond.

a rock.

a bench.

two new lovers.

one gaze which though not held,

has never really been broken.

a challenge.

"why don't you just...already..."

and you did.

yes. you did.

3

i promise that when we're married

i'll write you songs.

songs in poems.

songs off the top of my head.

songs from my heart.

because love sings even when i don't.

let my voice be the melody in your ear.

let my voice be the sound you long to hear.

let our love replay for all the world to hear.

i promise when we're married

i'll write you songs.

4

God is real.

He hears me when i call.

i cried out for you

and didn't even know what i was asking

yet He granted my request

in only the way that He can

and when i'm with you

our God is present

delighting in what He's put together

rejoicing in the obedience of his children

marvelling at His own work

God stands back and smirks....

so i guess we're not the only ones

that are happy.

i love the way this breeze feels coming through my window....this evening feels like a mini-vacation from reality. is it january?!!!!! can't be. this certainly isn't real....yet it is! i'm not complaining...i'll definitely take it. i love it...ahhhhhh......ahhhhhh.....ahhhhhhhhhh. love it. LOVE IT!

12:59 up editing...

NP: "When A Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge.

My Pandora station is on "Motown Sounds" and i'm slowly but surely editing each picture. now i understand why quality photography costs so darn much. editing takes time, especially when you want everything to be right and you want your customer to have the best product possible.

this past week has been interesting. i went on a 3 day fast....with the intention of going into a 21 day Daniel Fast...ummmm that didn't quite work out the way i planned it, but the 3 day cleanse got me back on the right track.

i really had to wrestle with myself over the past couple of weeks. i'm confronting myself...or the me that i've created and projected to the world. the independent me. Ms. Coker. self-made woman. self-willed woman. independent woman. God is now showing me more than ever that there is no life independent from Him, especially when He has called you and has a distinct purpose for you. so i suppose i was struggling with the fact that i was going to have from scratch...in Him. not my will but His.

i know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his will and purpose...for so long, i've been asking Him to SHOW me...show up and SHOW me. that was really my prayer. now, after the fast, i've come to a place where i realize that if He never shows me, i shouldn't become dismayed or angry, but content that He's leading me in the right direction.

i know i'm not in the ideal place in my relationship with God. honestly, sometimes i get a bit envious when i hear Bishop or Ron talk about how they can hear God's voice or see visions. i know it's been prophesied that i will be a great woman of God...Bishop said there's "greatness inside of me"...he's prophesied the gifts of knowledge, wisdom, prophesy, healing, giving, and faith....i guess i can't just get those things though. i have to wait. last Saturday, when he prayed over me after the worship team meeting, he said "the way up in the Kingdom is down" and i have to have "humility". so i guess for someone who's "known" everything for so long, it's ok that i have no idea what's going on right now. God has me right where He wants me...and that's cool.

i haven't been wrestling against demons. i've been trying to wrestle with God. we all pretty much know THAT's NOT going to work, lol.

Monday, i had lunch with Pastor Thomas and along with providing some great company, she imparted much knowledge. in the spring of last year, she gave me an old book by ann kiemel anderson called "I Gave God Time". i read it when she gave it to me but i didn't really "read" it. i was wondering, "what does this old skinny white woman who married a potato farmer from idaho have to do with me?" i relegated it to my bookshelf and didn't look at it until last week. on Wednesday, she brought Ron and I together to give us a message straight from the Holy Spirit....as much as we love each other and want to spend all of our time together (24/7) we can't spend more time with each other than we spend with Him. of course, i wanted to tumble back to my past, but now more than ever the Holy Spirit is attempting to confront me with myself. my selfishness. my unwillingness to submit to His will which is to conform me into the image and likeness of Christ. that can't happen when i'm trying to share all of my time with Ron or anyone else for that matter.

anyway, the book is memoir-esque, in which ann reveals how God prepared her for a husband, by humbling her. she, a public speaker, marathon runner, and well-known for her fierce independence and personal successes, was brought to near financial ruin and was brought to place where she could rely upon God and God alone. then, she met her future husband. she wasn't even impressed by him and neither he by her. they weren't each other's types at all, and yet, God placed them together and they formed a friendship which blossomed quickly into love. in the letters, they express their deep love for one another, built upon the solid rock of Jesus Christ and their love for Him. i do remember when i initially read that book in the spring, "wow....a love based upon God...#wheredeydodatat?" lol. not that i thought it was foolish....it was something that i longed for, but didn't imagine possible, given the situation i was in. Bruce knew of God, but not intimately enough to completely trust in Him and be led by Him. ann had to be humbled...she had to literally give God time to groom her and shape her into a person submissive to God and not self-willed and self-led.

one of Bishop's last prophecies over my life in 2011 was that God did not want me to be apart of the "gifted unsubmitted." God was working on my "independence" and "changing some things up" in my life.

the conversion process is real. and before i can become a good submitted wife, i must submit to God. i desire to be an excellent wife. i desire to be a woman of character and integrity. a woman of virtue. a godly example to our children. but before that, God has to deal with me. i have to know Him for myself. i have to love Him for myself. i have to give God time to truly be God in MY life. therefore, i can't rely upon anyone else to go through the gate. i have to go by myself...not weighted down by the layers of sin....but as the me he created me to be, holy and pure...sanctified and submitted.

God i thank you for the conversion process. i thank you for your plan. i thank you for considering it not a burden to lay down your life for me. i thank you for the ultimate sacrifice of your only begotten son to redeem me from my life of sin. for the wages of sin is death. thus, i thank you for LIFE through your son Jesus Christ. i love you God. even as my finger types these words, i know that i LOVE you. i am at peace despite all that's transpiring around me. life may not be perfect, but i'm learning to let go and completely trust in you. i don't know what i'm going to do about my job or this business but i know that if you want me to make a move, you'll let me know very clearly.

seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all its righteousness and everything else will be added unto you.

trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge God and He will direct your paths.

the Lord is my light and my salvation, of whom shall i be afraid?

i will lift up my eyes to the hills where my help comes from. my help comes from the Lord.

be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and supplication, give thanks.

count it all joy...even when you're going through different trials.

i am the head and not the tail.

no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

i am MORE than a conquerer

i can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose

Yvonne, Yvonne...Satan has desired to sift you as wheat. but i have prayed for you Yvonne that your faith might not fail you, and that you, after you have been fully converted, would go back and strengthen the rest.

wow. every morning, i get up and just start saying positive things to myself. i open my mouth and begin to speak life over my situation, pulling down strongholds in my mind. i will not succumb to depression, nor will i acknowledge it as a formidable force that has any control over my mind or situation. it's a spirit and refuse to be victim. i have the power of life and death in my tongue and i speak life to every dead situation in my life. i am a child of the most high God who created the heavens and the earth. His word cannot return to Him void. God is NOT a man that He should lie...and if His word does not accomplish what it set out to do then the heavens will fall out of the sky. He's God. He's ultimate. He's omnipotent and omniscient. He knows the desires of my heart and in the meantime, i'll serve Him, worship Him, and love Him with all of my heart.

God i love you and i'm falling in love with you. take not your spirit away from me. instead, keep me near to you and wrap my heart up in your love. your joy is my strength and i long for your peace. keep me in your will for my life. i repent for straying. i repent for all things i've done wrong. i'm only human and i thank you for the blood of jesus that washes away all sins. all things are new in you oh God. wash me. cleanse me. make me new. make me whole. lead me. guide me. help me to submit and completely lean upon you. help me to be humble. God, i want to follow you oh Lord. for there is no life unless it's life in you. help me to live my life in you and love you and only you....

i know that you're doing a might work in my life. i know you're doing a mighty work in ron's life. i know you're going to do a mighty work through both of us. we are both powerful children of God. now, we're in training to hone our spiritual skills to make us effective ministers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. i count it a privilege to serve you oh my Lord. very often, when i'm worshipping, i think about the woman who crawled on the ground simply to touched the hem of your garment, confident that if she could just touch it, she'd be healed. when i close my eyes, i can see your feet, and i can see her, just reaching out her arm until she got close enough to touch it. face dusty...longing...but complete when she got into the slightest contact with you. or i think of the woman who was willing to place her most expensive perfume on your feet. i think of those women who just wanted to be close to you. who would lower themselves because they knew who you were. no longer can or will i deny who you are for me. you are God. you reign. you are the Almighty....and i really do love you.

Jesus, if you were here, i would love to wash your feet Master. i would love to sit in your presence and listen to your voice. i know you would provide me with so much peace. i know you would lavish me with your love. oh Lord how i long to be close to you. don't depart from me, but stay close to me. take not your spirit away from oh Lord. i know the enemy desires to sift me as wheat, but Jesus keep interceding on my behalf that my faith would not fail. Lord, when this conversion process is over, and my faith is made complete...Lord when i'm strengthened, i will go back and strengthen others. i will tell them about your Good News...

Isaiah 61....

they need to hear about you. they're weeping. they're sad. they're tired. Lord, they're hungry. Lord, they're depressed. Lord, they're frustrated. Lord, they're hurt. you came so that these things might not be so. Lord, help me so that I can do what you've called me to do. equip me oh Lord. endow me with the power of your Holy Ghost oh God, so that I may go forth, teaching, preaching, and healing. so that I may go forth bringing words of encouragement, backed with power from on high. let this conversion process cause me to draw back. rather, let this conversion process draw me even closer to you, for that is what you also long for.

Lord I love you....and i count this ALL joy.

amen.

endow me...

with the power of the Holy Ghost.

i am going on a fast.

3 days of "cleansing". no food. just my "fast solution" including distilled water, cayenne pepper, honey, and lemon juice.

then, a 21 day Daniel's Fast. fruits, vegetables, nuts, and water.

30 minutes of prayer every morning before i do ANYTHING.

praying for the following:

-spiritual discipline

-bringing my lusts and flesh under submission

-the ability to hear clearly from the Holy Spirit what direction He wants me to take my life

-a closer relationship with Him

-stripping away those things in my life not like Him

i like food. God, i'm expecting you to move mightily during this time of fasting, prayer, and consecration.

this is real.

good night.

YC

a few things i've realized...

saturday evening. sitting on edge of my bathtub. smoking a djarum black....there are a few things i've realized....

• i like the john coltrane pandora station WAYYYYYYYYY better than i like the thelonious monk station.
• the john coltrane station would be wayyyyyyyyyy better if i was listening to it on a rainy sunday in a jazz cafe in paris.
• i have absolutely, positively no idea what God wants me to do in my life.
• i have been striving for years to become someone that i don't even like or feel comfortable being.
• God sees my every move and is not afraid to provide chastisement and discipline.
• i am at a major crossroads in my life and this is not a comfortable place to be.
• i feel like i'm in labor and the baby is crowning. how uncomfortable is that?
• i thought i was humble....apparently i'm not.
• pride comes before the fall. humility comes before greatness.
• everyone keeps calling me great, but i've never really accepted that calling for myself.
• i thought the aforementioned was humility. apparently, it's something else.
• God is real. Jesus is real. The Holy Spirit is real.
• this is going to be one of the roughest and most rewarding seasons of my life.

vanity.