no weapon formed against me shall prosper.  i declare it and decree it.

2/3 nights, i've had wacky dreams.  saturday night, i dreamt that some man who was larger than me was holding me tightly in the air.  at first, it looked like an older, worn version of bruce.  it yelled "i've changed, i've changed...take me back...come back to me!"  i screamed, although it seemed silently.  it's not until i yelled out Jesus that i woke up...prayed in toungues real hard until i fell back to sleep.

last night, i fell asleep around midnight after i prayed with ron and individually.  the dream started off in a suburban town, probably during the fall.  the leaves were bright orange and all seemed normal.  the town was pretty.  all of the children were out for what seemed like a fall festival.  there were games and the atmosphere seemed genial initially.  i had my camera around my neck ready to take pictures.  here appears josie and her two boys.  josie is my co-worker frances' sister.  i met her last summer when she hosted frances' baby shower in delaware.  her two boys are around 12 and 10 years old.  for some reason, i saw josie, but then she disappeared.  the two boys were sitting on the steps of a picturesque house and i realized it was the perfect opportunity to take a picture.  i started to take pictures and the boys skin turned from brown to a sick greenish color.  initially, i thought they were just sick.  i picked them up in my car and we started to drive around.  i think i was also taking pictures of them.  then, they started acting weird.  they started having erratic movements and i figured something was wrong.  eventually, they started attacking me left and right.  they tried to bite me and stab me with objects.  i had to pry them off of me.  i wound up getting out of the car and they chased me down the street.  this went on for hours with me hiding and them finding me.  it's almost as if they were on assignment to find me and they sniffed me out every time.  and they were definitely coming for blood.

as i was running down a road, their mother drives up as if she was looking for them the entire time.  they morph back into their normal selves and their mother gives ME a disapproving look as if i corrupted her children.  Frances was also in the car and she snatched up the boys as if i was doing something wrong to them.  the whole time i had the camera on my neck.

i woke up at that point, used the restroom, and went back to sleep.  the next dream wasn't really nightmarish...more like odd.  it started off with a really nice wedding. i don't recall if i was in it.  then, i wound up on the set of a photoshoot.  i felt some kind of way because whoever solicited the shoot didn't ask me.  however, the photographer had a full set up.  the pictures they took of people wound up being at the top of the pages of a kay jeweler magazine.  as i flipped through it, kept looking for my ring wondering if it was in there.

then i woke up.

i'm praying in the spirit for an hour before i go to sleep.  i can't make sense of this foolishness but i'm not about being tormented. 

amen.

first morning back.  spring break was altogether lovely.  very relaxing.  now it's back to the grind.

went home for a couple of days.  came back on wednesday and started looking for a couple of reception sites.  no bueno.  machumu told us about the Free Library of Philadelphia on the Parkway.  i took a look at the pictures and they have a rooftop deck which overlooks the city.  how LOVELY!  i guess we're taking planning one day at a time.  so many people have ideas.  so many people want to help. 

God, i need a clear vision...the money.  i'm a faithful tither.  i sow seed.  i will continue to do both. 

last week, i heard the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear, "Honor me and I will honor you"....

wow.

i had a dream last night.  i think i saw our child.  a girl.  she was walking in the lobby of the church.  it was summer time and she had on a blue and yellow short set.  around 3.  she had your eyebrows and smile.  a caramel colored complexion.  burnt caramel.  your eyes too.  she was happy. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that my 10+ year friendship with Dana is coming to an end.  Cynthia sent me a link to Dana's tumblr account.  she's been blogging for the past 8 months.....all entries are about louis....

life changes.  people changes.  i think i wanted to feel sad this morning and the Holy Spirit placed a song on my heart...."What a friend we have in Jesus".....when all (and everyone) else fails, Jesus is always there.   for that, i am thankful.

in most ways, my life has moved on. i'm engaged and preparing for marriage and family.  i have a new business.  i'm growing spiritually.  i'm not the same person i was 12 years ago when we first met and i'm thankful for that.

i met with Pastor Steph on Thursday for lunch.  she preached at STWC about a month ago and ever since then, i've been wondering about her personal testimony.  she sprinkled bits of her story in her preaching but i wanted to know the real deal.  she said that early in her salvation, she couldn't grasp ahold of the fact that she didn't have to earn God's love or His grace.  i think i'm at the same point.  i'm also at a point where i keep looking back.  i don't know why.  there's also a measure of mental and physical disobedience that i need to give up.  Bishop has been preaching that we keep wanting to flirt with corruption but it doesn't really work like that.  everytime i am deliberately disobedient, the old demons come flooding back in.  fornication brings with it depression, overeating...the whole nine.

i asked God to reveal to me what issues i have that i'm trying to pacify with these pet sins.  He told me to just stop.  there you have it.

today, i simply praise God for His blessings.

i thank Him for life.  it's moving along well.  i'm right where i need to be.

amen.

sometimes i feel like i'm floating along.

sometimes.

detached from everything.

existing.

in neutral.

*blank stare*

good night.

tomorrow, i try again.

altogether lovely.

altogether worthy.

altogether wonderful to me.

so here i am to worship.

just thought i'd put that up there before this post. this is going to be a short one. ron just stepped out to get some food. an old student of mine, Dominique, is coming with her son Adrian to get her maternity and family portraits taken. i really appreciate it. hopefully, i can use some of them for my portfolio and practice on them.

i pray that God give me the artistic and creative vision and helps me define a unique style that will attract more customers. i edited some in-studio pictures that ron took of me and they came out very nicely. i certainly don't have the school/book knowledge of graphic design or photography, but i pray that the Holy Spirit give me the insight i need, the skill, and the know-how to do these things. i know it won't come by magic, but i pray that He strategically put me around the people who do...or send me to places where i can get the resources and then i'll put my hand to work with what He's given. i'll seek out those things which can help me.

i envision this business taking us all around the world and me telling my testimony that i had no formal training. i envision this business taking us around the world...people seeing the art and being amazed at the raw images i capture of people. this camera is not my own...this camera is only a tool to help others see people for who they really are. Father, i pray that you give me a spirit of excellence in this business and that my spirit remain excellent. let me not be weary in well-doing. even though now it seems one way, that is not how it will end up. this business will be successful. we will have more clients than we know what to do with. i've sown seed into good ground and Father you said you would provide seed to the sower. Father, i'm asking that the skills i need, help me acquire them quickly. the people i need to know...Father i bind up the fear that causes me to shy away or to shut my mouth.

the Holy Spirit has been dealing with me on getting to know people. this is a referral business. people spread the word about you to other people. i need to know PEOPLE. outside of my church and my job, who do i KNOW? and seriously....if i'm supposed to minister to people and spread the Word of God, i can't do so in my little circle. each week, i need to purpose myself to meet at least two-three new people and tell them about myself. not only that, but purpose myself to stay in contact with them or follow up with them. i can't make an impact in my apartment. i can't make the impact God wants me to sitting in my bedroom. i can't do it. i've got to go OUT to reach people. the enemy has tried to use isolation to cut me off. it's no wonder that when i've felt my loneliest, i've also felt my most depressed. i'd go home, eat, cut the lights off, and go to sleep. however, TODAY is a new day! i purpose to meet people. i purpose to look them in their eyes and stand with confidence before ANYONE who i meet. God said i am the head and not the tail. i am ABOVE and not beneath. i am MORE than a conqueror and i can do all things through Him who strengthens me. He didn't give me a spirit of fear but one of love, of power, and of a sound mind.

i feel myself breaking forth. i feel myself enlarging my territory and claiming victoriously, the things God has set for me.

thank you LORD for what you're doing.

i bless your Holy name and give your praise.

in Jesus' name.

AMEN!

i definitely wrote a whole entry subconsciously last night. lol.

it's love.

let's get back to our first love

because this is love.

is this love? is this love? is this love? is this love that i'm feeling?

oh, why yes it is. why did you even had to ask.

you don't have to ask.

because when you know, you just...

well, you just know.

i know that i know that i know that i know

that He's the one for me....

that he's the one for me.

that He's with us always

as we walk with Him.

Simms, i'm falling asleep at the laptop right now. but i love you.

know that.

good morning Father.

good morning Son.

good morning Holy Spirit.

good morning.