My relationship with food right now is contentious, if not downright violent.  I find no pleasure in eating except to calm the rocky hunger pangs in my stomach.  I crave something different every single day.  My stomach is holding less which means I am eating less....and I am hungry more.  If I dare miss a meal,  my body punishes me by heaving until green bile spews out of my mouth.  Sometimes,  I find it sickeningly cathartic but I know it's abusive.  The prenatal pill makes me a different type of nauseous. The slightest aromas, pleasant or not, are aggressive and attack my sense of smell like a ninja, creeping up unaware and then POW! out of nowhere, my brain is scrambling trying to hold my stomach at bay, and keep an appropriate/non-offensive look on my face if I am in the presence of people.  My own mother's body odor offended me so much last weekend that I had to sit across the table from her at a restaurant.  I used to love sticking my face into my husband's armpit after he had slathered on some fresh deodorant.  Now,  I cringe at the very thought.

God has intricately designed these things to be so. Who am I to question?  It would be nice to like food again but soon and very soon all will be back to normal again.  On the meantime, I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my personal day forcing root chips down my throat for the sake of having something in my stomach.

what the hell am i doing with my life?

just really wanting to rise above it all.

the drudgery.

the muck and the mire of everyday life.

it's not that bad...but there's so much going on...

sometimes it's difficult to maintain sight of the light at the end of the tunnel...

this can't be it...this can't be all that there is.

there has got to be more.

financial freedom.

living our dreams and not just talking about it.

we must endure.

we must endure.

we must endure.

and the results will be so much sweeter when they are achieved.

le sigh.

california tomorrow.  so i shall rejoice about that!

"sometimes God has to stretch us..."-Pastor Imani.

"Fear repels, negativity repels, anger repels, resentment kills everything. RECONNECT If your heart is not in it get out of it or change it. Tell people why you do what you do. Show them why you do it. Connect with your value and your truth and infuse it into every part of your business YOU ARE WORTH THAT. Because the worst thing that can happen is you will be filled with joy. It doesn’t take long for joy to attract."
today i am reminded of those words, luke 17, and how this applies to every aspect of my life.  i'm striving towards God's perfect image of me.

and yes...

my body hurts right now...

but i keep pressing.

God.

I'm so sick of being on the crap side of money.

Since I have been working, I have never had more than enough.

I'm so tired of never having more than enough.

I'm so tired of living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm so tired of working to pay debt.

I'm so tired of working and not enjoying money that I earn.

It is more blessed to give than to receive...certainly.

God we need serious seed to sow.  SERIOUS seed to sow.