i had a revelation yesterday.  revelation...deliverance...aha moment...breakthrough...whatever you'd like to call it.

i am enough.
i am beautifully and wonderfully created by God almighty and He placed in me all that I need to do the work that He has purposed for ME to do.
i don't have to be anyone else.
i don't have to be like anyone else.
admiring someone else doesn't mean i must pursue what they have.
what God has for me is for me.  what God has for them is for them.
everyone has thei own journey, and mine is especially unique and beautiful.

my former boss Erin came to the house about a month ago to visit Folasade and i.  she came in, glowing (as always), and simply happy.  the next day, she and her fiancee AJ were about to board a plane for Mexico to enjoy Spring Break, she was a month away from graduating from Penn's Fels School of Public Policy and a couple of months away from her wedding.  she was almost a year into her new position as Cultural Context for Mastery and she sat on my couch explaining her options for the next phase of her life.  it seemed, perfecct.  she had a plan in place.  wedding.  baby.  executive director at a non-profit OR running for office in the city of Philadelphia.  but as she sat before me...her path made sense to her and me.  it made sense.  she said one thing that made sense to me..."I feel like I am walking in my truth."

and she is right.  she is where she needs to be.  she is where she can be most effective.  she is in her element.  she's in a position to use her gifts.  she's in a position to use her talents.  it has come together for her.  it makes sense.  she knows who she is and she is comfortable with who she is.

i think about much of my struggle within the last few years.  chasing dreams that never really were my "dreams".  pursuing shadows of what i thought was my reality.  i have now come to a place where i realize, i don't really know who i am.  i have known it for a long time...i guess i've never been comfortable with being honest about it.  i know the shadow of the person i created.  the layers of the woman who seemeed to pick up layers of personality by rolling along through life.  never fully conscious of how the decisions i made impacted me.  never fully free to say "no, that doesn't make me happy."  because i have never been comfortable with me, i have been SO jealous and envious of what others have.  since college.  staring at closets full of clothes and shoes.  lately, i've been looking at other peoples' businessness and "lives" on social media...COVETING what they have, instead of being thankful for all that i have.  that, my friends, is the quickest way to misery and self-loathing.  it's an existence that no one wants to live out or near.  you can't explain why you're so upset all the time to those who see your life and know it's good.  you're too ashamed to confess that you're jealous.  you're jealous because you're not thankful.  you're ungrateful.

the first time i ever stepped out on faith and did that was when i decided to leave Bruce.  i started dating my now husband a week later.

what if...i did that in every aspect of my life?  what if i sought to walk in the truth, MY truth every day and in every way?  what if, just what if, i woke up with gratefulness in my heart.  what if, just what if, i loosened the reigns on "my life" and let God lead me to where He wants me to be.  i did it once and He led me to my wonderful husband.  He knew who i needed and when i needed it.  He made someone utterly perfect for me.  God, are You not my shepherd?

i want to walk in THE truth.  i want to walk in THE truth.  Jesus is the WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT.  He is the living WORD made flesh.  i want my light to shine in this dark world.  i want the Jesus in my to illuminate the way for someone else.

i am so desperate for Him now to reveal the real me...first to myself...and then the world.  i desperately seek authenticity.  i seek authenticity, and legitimacy, and validity....i want to see me the way Jesus sees me.  i'm tired of self-loathing and self-pity and self-hatred which leads to this viscious cycle of loathing and hating others because they seem to have caught on the their truth.

i want Your joy.  i want Your peace.  i want Your righteousness in the Holy Ghost.

i want to bring glory to God in whatever i do.

You said that i should first seek Your Kingdom and everything else I need would be added to me.  You said that if i put You first, that you would give me the desires of my heart.  purify the desires of my heart.  let me not desire what others have.  let me desire what you want for me.  and let me pursue you with passion and fervor so that you will continue to shape and mold me to be the person you created me to be.

that is all.

whew....i am free.

Jesus is Lord.

That is all.

when your baby is annoyed with you because she's hungry and your body is not producing milk...

when you're annoyed because you JUST got your milk supply back up to where it's supposed to be...

when your baby doesn't drink out of bottles when the breast is right there...

when you know you have to pump ANYWAY...

insert crazy faced emoji here

goes back to feeling like cow.

ta-ta.

When it takes 30 minutes to edit one picture in Photoshop...

1 down...only like 56 more to go...

Jesus.  Help.  Me.  Please.

...
Tired. Sleeeeeeeeep.

Every year I begin with great intentions of reading the entire Bible.  Every year, I fall off.  I've done several reading plans from chronological to topical and I always seems to fall short.

This year, I am using a plan found in the YouVersion app from Bible.com.  It provides 5-7 verses a day, Old Testament, New Testament, and either a reading from Psalms or Proverbs.  I've definitely fallen off the past couple of weeks and now I realize what my pattern is.

Whenever I get to the book of Job....I stop.

There is something about God's nature in this book that I'm having trouble accepting.  Maybe it's not that...maybe it's fear that I could be Job.  Any person could be Job.  He was one of THE most righteous people on earth and yet God allowed him to suffer...even had a conversation with Satan about Job.

like...whoa.

not to mention, I think even the writers of the accompanying devotional have trouble explaining what's happening.  With titles like "Some Things We Cannot Explain" and "Suffering is Inevitable"...there are parts of God's nature that we as humans will never be able to comprehend.  We can only trust that what He is doing is perfect and that as His children, He knows what we can bare.

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about Christ's suffering.  I mean The Passion.  Christ literally baring the weight of the world's sins on His back as people shunned, beat and bruised Him.  I visualized the cat o' nine tails tearing into His back as He refused to give into the taunts and jeers.  They didn't see Him for who He really was...but how could they.  In a way, the ones who killed Christ were kinda like Pharaoh.  If there was no Pharaoh oppressing the people, how could God have shown Himself strong for Israel through Moses.  Perhaps that is why Jesus could ask the Father to forgive them, for they had no idea how they were being used in God's plan.

We know in part...but we don't really Know like God KNOWS.

Pastor Thomas's son Micah committed suicide.

The intercessor.
The prophet.
The mighty woman of God.
The obedient servant.

...all that...but still your child God.  suffering knows no boundaries.  God what is this?  Only you know how much she cried out for her son.  Only you know the fasting and prayer done...only you know the sleepless nights...only you know the spiritual sacrifices...only you know her heart's cry....because she's a mother and no mother wants to see their child bound, or suffer, or hurt, or in pain, or...dead.  this ain't spiritual...this ain't deep.  this is life.  no mother wants to see their child in a coffin.

God what is this?  i am so perplexed.  i am so very perplexed.  this is the same experience i get when i read Job.

there must be a reward for this kind of suffering.  serving God.  loving the people of God.  interceding day in and day out.  fasting.  praying.  standing in the gap constantly.  there must be a reward for this faithfulness.  there must be compensation.  there must be.

You said that all things work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose....

God, what is this?

i stand on the cusp of going deeper...getting closer...knowing what has been prophesied....the suffering that i must endure...but the great grace that is upon my life...and the glory...

God, i ask that you cover me, my husband and children, and all that is connected to us in the blood of Jesus Christ.  

...this is why my husband is a boss.

"You're fired.  It's as simple as that."

haaaaaaaaa!

ok.  i'm not trying to burn bridges so early in the game....

since i'm not about that blame game life...Lord...help me please to better communicate with people.  There is always room to improve on MY end...help me to see what/how I can improve so I can do business better.

there is ALWAYS room to improve.

as my husband always says, "Well, what did we learn?"

lol.  yup.