as i lugged my fifty bags (ok, maybe not that many, but i am a bag lady for sure) out of my car, i kept saying to myself...
"i miss my boo boo...i miss my boo boo...i miss my boo boo...."...i guess i was doing it without thought until i realized what i was saying and that i probably should be more alert to my surrounds...
but no, really...i miss my man.
*sigh*
friday at sundown.
and the sun goes down early.
until then, it's me and you God. me and you.
i'll be on my way back from the senior class trip to NYC. hopefully, while i'm there, i can scope out some fun things to do for us. i purchased tickets to a play, and i already have a good restaurant in mind....Lord knows i'm not about that walking around in the cold life, but if he wants it, then he gets it....i have never been so selfless. if he wants it, he can have it. i love him sooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking much. i can't contain my joy when i'm with him. i can't wipe the smile off of my face when i'm near him or even when i think about him. i just want to officially be his, and him mine. i love him, i love him, i love him and i can only believe that God made him just for me. i love him God. thank you so much for him. when i think about the love i have for him, sometimes it makes me want to cry because i didn't think i was capable of such emotion. and the awesome thing is that there's room for more.
in other news...
tonight was the final night of Spirit and Truth's month-long 20th anniversary celebration. at first, i praise and worship was a little shaky, but i remembered pastor sheila's fierce prayer beforehand and she kept invoking prayers that matched the lyrics of our songs....
the first song was a little shaky....don't sing loud AND be wrong...u throw everyone off! lol. but after about five minutes, we got into it. i gave it all that i had...to the point that my stomach hurt (in a good way of course) after it was all said and done. i even led two praise songs, one of which ron usually does. pastor steph joined us and led the worship portion....and it really just flowed....
God is good.
The Honorable Former Mayor Wilson Goode, Sr. was our guest preacher...i wasn't so much moved by the delivery (very baptist-esque lol) BUT he went to Isaiah 40...talked about waiting on the Lord and renewing our strength in Him. God whispered that to me a few days ago...and i keep hearing it.
after service, pastor thomas asked me "where's Ron?"....and i smiled. i mean...super cheese...like all of my teeth showing smile. i tried to wipe it off...she said "that's ok"...then she said, "you know, you smile a lot now"....
i'm thankful that i'm not the same person i was a year ago when i first began attending the church. i used to be mean. crotchety. unkind. nasty. rude. standoffish.
bishop pulled me to the side and said to me once, "you're mean."
i said, "i know".
he replied, "people are naturally attracted to you. but once they get up close, they're repelled by you."
and so, i meditated upon what he said and made a concerted effort to ask God for joy. and joy, He has truly given me. i'm so thankful.
now i'm home.
God, thank you for today. thank you for your salvation and your grace and mercy. thank you for your love and your forgiveness. thank you for considering me and being mindful of me, even when i forget about you. thank you for your faithfulness.
you're a mighty God and i love you.
30 November 2011
famished.
no real food in my fridge.
omw to church. might have to make a pit stop beforehand.
the sun is clearly down right now.
jesus help me.
omw to church. might have to make a pit stop beforehand.
the sun is clearly down right now.
jesus help me.
29 November 2011
oh my how things have changed...
i'm sitting here taking a look at all of my internet blogs. i've kept a blog since i was a sophomore in high school (14 years old).....i've ranted about school, significant others, family, religion, you name it. it's interesting to reflect on how far God has brought me....i was actually searching through my first blogger and my xanga and came across these interesting nuggets...
TUESDAY, JUNE 08, 2004
i dont like it when people insult my father. i hate it. because they dont know our story, our struggle...ALL THE SHIT that we've been through. i hate it especially when my mother tries to say something about him, because she has the NERVE to talk about ANYONE.
she's all on that holier than thou crap and i'm not too sure how i feel about it. went to her church on sunday. the one she kept telling me about. "oh they're really good"....hmm, first of all i'm not too fond of african preachers. there are a few types of people who i'm skeptikal of.
first of all there's men who wear bow ties (i.e. mayor anthony williams)
second of all i'm leary of people who preach on television AND ask for "gifts" aka cold hard cash. it is my belief that many (not all) of these fools are preying on people like my mother. people who are down on their luck. no hope. no life. no one to love them. people who are at the lowest points in their lives. indeed, that's what the word of christ calls christians to do. i understand that christ's message was to reach out to those whom no one else will reach out to. but CLEARLY christ did not ask for $gifts when he was ministering. EVEryTHING cost money on christian television. from motivational tapes, to sermons, to mugs, rosaries and t-shirts. i'm not down with them selling the faith, especially to my mother.
i'm also leary of the "african born again."
now anyone who is familiar with born again christians knows that they are VOCAL and excited about their faith. more power to them. do ya thing. but AFRICAN born again christians irk me/borderline freak me out. africans always have a way of mixing the primitive with the modern, the civilized with the scary. thus, they combine things that shouldn't be combined. christ and voodoo are weird.
now i'm not trying to say that my mother does voodoo. heck no. she aint that crazy, but i'm just wondering if this faith thing is going too far. maybe she's excited about it. after all, it's the one thing she has going for herself. her career is gone. her man is gone. all the people who she thought were her friend are gone. now all she has is her family, and her faith. so of course, i understand that she would cling to it. but my mother has never been down with all that loud noise making and holy roly crap that i saw at her church.
sunday. oh boy. first of all it was hot. like 95. i pulled out a sleeveless shirt to wear to church and asked her if she thought it was appropriate. she said no, and gave me a shirt to wear. now it was a nice shirt...
for 60 or 70 degree weather. however, lets cut the jokes beacuse rayon and polyester blends dont do well in heat. fuck. so she made me wear the shirt. fine. i didn't argue.
when we finally pulled up to the church, which was in its new stages of building, i had an open mind. i'm game for whatever most of the time. when i walked in the door, i figured, "ok this isn't going to be so bad". the people were friendly enough and all patted me on the head, as if they were waiting for the arrival of my mother's dog, instead of my mother's daughter.
sike naw, they were really nice....a little too nice if u ask me, but i brushed my shoulders off and proceeded to walk into the sanctuary. i wanted to know where all the commotion was coming from. since the church is brand new, they had yet to have their lights cut on. so it was dark with no ac. however, since church hadn't started, most of the seats were empty. but the commotion was coming from TWO women who walked up and down the center aisles shouting, jumping, dancing around, and....
speaking in tongues.
now if there's one thing i DONT get down with, it's speaking in tongues. especially when african people do it. that shit crossed the line for me. it really did.
do u know these ladies just jumped and hollered and made noise for the next thirty minutes. WHAT? by the time the service started, i wanted to make a mad dash for the car. every bone in my body wanted to. i really wanted to tell my mother "Oh hell naw", but i couldn't do that. shit. so pretty much, i had to stay. bootleg church. that's what i call it. the preacher was actually good, i'll give him his props, but i dont like the way he looked at me, and held my hand for a long time when he met me. no no. can someone say, "uncomfortable"
lets cut the jokes. when u speak in tongues, everyone is supposed to have their own language, because they're talking to God in a language that only the two can understand. but everyone who spoke in tongues seemed like they had the same thing to say. it all sounded the same to me.
"shanta....shanta ali babba shanta"
i was waiting for someone to say "ali babba and the 40 thieves"...lets cut the jokes like anika would say. please.
i'm not down with their style of worship. for real i'm not. it's a little too eccentric for me. but i mean, i guess it's about what u like and prefer. me. well i don't like or prefer those fools.
this is supposed to be a vacation but it's sucking the life out of me. i haven't seen a music video since i've gotten down here. nor have i listened to normal folks radio aka "secular crap" according to my mother. ARGH. if i hear ONE more christian rock song....somebody HELP ME! all she does is listen to that and those preaching broadcasts. i mean, nothing will be worse than brother "harold campings."
melanie, u know what i'm talking about. he's what i like to call and "learned" self-interpreter of the bible.
I THOUGHT nothing could be worse than him until i pretty much listened to this broadcast last night on the radio about homosexuality. i'm not even faking, they had some bible verses to back up what they were talking about. but then they started talking about the cause of someone wanting to be a transvestite, and that's pretty much when vonney boo proceeded to be done.
"now lets say there's a little boy who's ten and he has a sister who is 8. the little boy hears all the time that the little girl is a "princess" and "daddy's little angel." the little boy, wanting this attention from his father, starts going into the girls closet and wearing the little girls clothes, because he wants that attention from daddy too."
thus, folks, u have a transvestite. voila. easy as that nasty mac and cheese shit u make in the microwave.
iight, so this afternoon, i tell my mother that i need to make a doctor's appointment. no, my father has not had alot of time to schedule me one or take me there. but i had a physical in november. so what has been the point. i dont get sick like that. anyway she says that he's been to busy chasing the "almighty dollar".....
that ticked me the fuck off. it seems small, but the way she said it, it's like she was indicting my father or something. i told her ass off . yes he's chasing the damn dollar, cause who the hell else would have put me through school? you? HA. what a joke. if my father had some ugly looking navigator, or esaclade or some shit like that, i could get down with her comment, BUT NO....he doesn't have much....and he's struggling trying to make ends meet with TWO full time jobs. she said it like he's working that hard to have extra cash and be selfish and greedy and buy shit that doesn't even matter. BUT fact of the matter is that my father doesn't have that much spending cash. all of his money goes in some way to his children. he has made SO many sacrifices....and rightly so, because he's doing what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. i have MUCH respect for him and everything that he's done. and that's alot more than i can say for her. i don't even KNOW why she went there. i will always honor and defend my father because he means that much to me, and i will go hard when someone speaks badly of him.
thinking about it has me mad. shit.
Tuesday, 18 July 2006
A Poem for Soulymane.
i wrote this poem in africa and shared it with lena last night.
A Poem for Soulymane
you died a purple cloth for me
astutely carrying the weight of life
on her head
hibiscus headwrap
wound tightly around the
center of thought
This cloth moves me to look
deeper than the hue
perhaps you can explain it?
blank expressions
eyes absent
but the hibiscus head wrap
remains ornate and
prominent.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Soulymane
Souly
like Soleil- 'the sun?'
Souly- non?
yes.
then i think, like Solomon.
so you are royalty
and bleed the wine-coloured blood of kings.
learned in the arts
and a professed lover.
so your heart lapses onto the canvas.
is this your blood on the headwrap?
stained and
decorated.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
you wrapped her head tightly
her thoughts can not escape
no eyes to stare
no nose to smell
the mouth cannot sing to you.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
You take my hand within yours.
larger and worn.
yet worked.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Let me look at you
and inhale the life I see before me.
if not, can I taste you?
swallow the blood spilled
and suck out your pain.
hold your breath and
I will make you purple again.
Do you like it?
Yes, I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes, I want it.
to be mine.
Shall we share our losses
Soulymane?
come and bare the secrets
only you know
and the lavender scent will escape
your soft tongue.
Stroke the painting sotly
and tell me what you think
about being blue.
love lingers not without
red hues.
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Currently Listening
The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3
By Jill Scott
My Love
thanksgiving has come and gone...
and i'm thankful. spent time with my cousing who i haven't seen in six years. wowsers.
i'm thankful AND i'm trying not to let situations and foolishness rain on my parade. cut the freaking jokes.
RS...is engaged. i feel like jill scott on that song, "My Love..." at least that's what i think the song is called. it's the new single where she's on the phone with some guy in the beginning and she discovers that he's engaged to marry someone else. UGH...he just met this chick like four months ago at the start of the school year...now they're planning on a life time together. excuse me for being skeptical (maybe a little jealous)...but he just told me about the chick three weeks ago because he didn't want to say anything "prematurely." negro please. and now all of a sudden you two are getting married? wtf? *rolling eyes* i'm done. i sent him a text message yesterday....
me: are u serious
ron: yes yvonne, and if u can't be happy for me then this is where our friendship ends. i don't want that to happen because i really love you
me: hmm. this is not young and restless. kill the drama cuz it's not that serious. i trust your judgement of character...but i'll reserve my own judgement until after i meet her....it's your life
note: i didn't say i accepted it. he's got to be kidding me! he's bunning up with me two months ago....now all of a sudden he's engaged to some random broad.
oh well. greater things are in store for me. thanks.
AND...
Sunday, 02 December 2007
finally coming to grips...
today, i finally came to grips that ron is happily engaged to somene else. i've been suppressing the emotions since i heard the news two weeks ago. then i told jb about the problem and his answer was long, yet simple.
papichulostump51 (3:15:39 AM): obviously not
papichulostump51 (3:15:49 AM): he played u pretty well i would say
papichulostump51 (3:16:38 AM): if u could see thru it, it woulda been over a long time ago
papichulostump51 (3:17:15 AM): the best way to play the field is to date one person at a time
papichulostump51 (3:17:21 AM): not multiple people
papichulostump51 (3:17:43 AM): when u do that, u hopefully find someone who is lookin for the same stuff u are
papichulostump51 (3:17:58 AM): when u date multiple ppl, u see different aspect of each person u like
papichulostump51 (3:18:24 AM): doesnt work that way, cuz then u dont wanna give either of them up cuz wat u really tryin to do is combine them to give u a complete dude
i started crying after line # 2.
he's true.
it's not fufilling and it only hurts me more in the long run. i'll never be satisfied that way.
God, it hurts so bad. like someone just hit my stomach with bricks.
still crying.
TO THIS...
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Currently Listening
Fearless
By Jazmine Sullivan
Lions, and Tigers, and Bears
see related
so date night got postponed...
until this evening. we'll see what he says. called him on my way to penn class last night and we both agreed it was HORRIBLE weather....
seriously, the weather stopped game five of the world series from continuing....nasty, cold, rainy....and wet....so we postponed things until tonight.
wonder what i'll wear.
let me give you that stats:
24
philly native (and willing tour guide)
former music teacher in Jersey
plays 13 musical instruments
aspiring songwriter
i can respect his hustle. i CANT respect your hustle if you make beats in your mothers basement all day. however, he lives in a 3 bedroom house with his godbrother...is extremely talented, and has the vision, passion, and work ethic to make his dreams come true. very nice.
we'll see if there's chemistry.
TO MY MOTHER'S TIMELY MESSAGE
Saturday, 13 June 2009
mommy's exhortation to me...wow.
June 13, 2009
Hi Yvonne,
I am sitting here quietly reading and meditating on the word of God, and you came forcefully to my mind, as I was looking up certain scriptures. So I am writing to exhort you.
Not so long ago you called me over the phone crying that you can’t help it that you feel compelled and that you have surrendered your life to Christ, how that somebody you met on the airplane led you to Christ. You called me, confessing with your own mouth (Rom 10:9). I, beyond a shadow of doubt, believe that particular day, your fate (destiny) was sealed in Christ by the Holy Spirit (2 Cor. 1:22, Eph. 1:13, 4:30).
That particular day when you answered the call of God, you became his for eternity; so there is no turning back, for God does not give up his own (Rom 11:29). He will never let go of you neither will he revoke his calling of you or take away the gift of his Son Jesus Christ and the things he did for you, as well as the gifts he imparted to you when you believed on him that fateful day. Jesus Christ said “And I give to them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand those that the Father has given to me known can pluck them out of my hand.”(John 10:28). If God reneges on his word then he ceases to be God.
Just as God does not give up on his own, so Satan does not give up on whe he once considered belonged to him (Matt. 12:44-45). Call to remembrance that you once belonged to him Satan, so he constantly prowls around you, looking for opportunities, flooding you with temptations, for you to give into your fleshly desires, that’s why, there is a constant battle within you to do that which your conscience witnesses to you to do that which is good or to abstain from that which is evil and your flesh fights with you to give into and sin against God.
Now, remember Jesus, said the servant is not greater than his Lord. Just as they persecuted Jesus, so they will persecute you (John 15:20). (I would like for you to absorb this in). Satan is not after you per say, for you by yourself are nothing without Christ, (in your you state, you belong to him). He is after Jesus Christ who is God the Father and God the Holy Spirit who resides within you. So you will as long as you live on this earth be under constant attack from the devil (you will be a bullseye for his target practice). That why the Bible says, “Ye are of God little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you (God), than he that is in the world (Satan).” 1 John 4:4. In the Bible, the word of God, tells us that we will face tribulations, sufferings. (John 6:33, II Tim. 2:12, 1 Thess. 3:3-4), for we have being called to such.
I am sure when you that all who have signed up to follow Christ, never in the beginning envisioned that this would be a life of war, fraught with bombs being thrown at us from every angle; we constantly dodging landmines that Satan lays along the wayside in wait for us. Had we known all of this ahead of God’s calling, we would have said no to God, and continued to stay in our sinful condition. But thanks be to God, who has not given up on us, for while we were yet sinners he sent his Son to die on the cross, so that we might be reconciled to him.
As my child and more so sister in Christ, I empathize with your “being depressed,” your somberness. I go thru it daily, but the more I focus on Christ, he gives me the strength to pull thru and rise above, the circumstances life daily throws at me. I promise you, it will get better. Focus on the word of God, read your Bible daily and pray, it gets better.
When I look back on my life especially at the 10 Commandment, I violated each one of them, and the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is “thou shalt not kill.” I have committed two abortions, and Satan never ceases to remind me. But, oh for the grace of God! I have repented of this evil, and God has given me a sense of peace, relieving me of the guilt and shame, also assuring me that I will get to see them again in heaven one day,which brings tremendous joy to my soul.
So my dear Yvonne, be at peace, as a child of God, he will not allow you to continue to live in sin, you have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, so whatever is holding you back from serving God, be assured he will get you to relinquish it, one way or the other, by his Spirit at work within you. So corporate with the Holy Spirit and be obedient to him, and be at peace and enjoy the abundant life he has given to you to enjoy here on earth at this present time and eternity which is to come. Do not live in a defeated state where you are constantly repressed and oppressed by the devil, Go and get yourself baptized physically as God commanded us to do in Matt. 28:20 and ask God to pour out his Spirit upon you from upon high. There is a difference in these two. The Holy Spirit will transform your life forever and make your life much easier to live and you will not be vacillating to and fro about the things of God.
Remember, “And all thy children shall be thought of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.” “In righteousness shall thou be established, thou shalt be far from oppression, for thou shalt not fear: and from terror, for it shall not come near thee.”
Isa. 54:13-14. This goes for Tungie and Marke too. At this time God has chosen to open up your own eyes and ears (Mk. 4:11). I eagerly await to see his working in Tungie’s and Marke’s life as they bring glory to him. For I know he’s doing it even as I write this exhortation to you.
I love you dearly. God bless you!
Mummy.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
we're almost a third finished with the year.....
what in the world?
time keeps-a-moving....and i keep renewing my strength day after day to pursue what God has called me to do. taking up my cross daily is no easy task, and yet, i rest assured knowing that He will guide me and lead me where He wants me to go...no matter how much of a hot mess I am. God has plans for me and I'm so thankful I KNOW HE is working in my life.
I applied for the Institute for Recruitment of Teachers program which will help me apply to doctoral programs. Specifically, I applied to the IRT associate's program which would pair me with an advisor. My advisor and I will meet, via phone conference, twice a week in September and October to discuss my graduate school application progress, refine my personal statement and tweak my writing samples. Most importantly, my advisor will help me match my professional and academic goals with the best Ph.D education programs within their 42 school consortium. I have to apply to a minimum of 10 schools and all of my fees are waived (Hallelujah in advance!) lol.
If it's God's will, then He'll make it happen.
let's see....what else has been going on....
friendships are changing, some for the better and others...well....ehhhh.....
i've found an awesome church home with a great group of God-fearing, LOVING people who have the Word of God planted deeply in their hearts. it's great to be surrounded by people who are deeply rooted in the Word, especially for a newly saved person like me. actually, i've been saved for almost 4 years, but i've never truly allowed God to transform me. as i allow Him to come into my heart, i'm so thankful that He didn't give up on me and that He continued to show me his grace and mercy, despite of my own foolishness.
i'm focused on God....everything and everyone else that (or who) doesn't fall in line will eventually fall by the wayside....and i'm ok with that.
other than that....all's well on the homefront.
peace,
YC
TUESDAY, JUNE 08, 2004
i dont like it when people insult my father. i hate it. because they dont know our story, our struggle...ALL THE SHIT that we've been through. i hate it especially when my mother tries to say something about him, because she has the NERVE to talk about ANYONE.
she's all on that holier than thou crap and i'm not too sure how i feel about it. went to her church on sunday. the one she kept telling me about. "oh they're really good"....hmm, first of all i'm not too fond of african preachers. there are a few types of people who i'm skeptikal of.
first of all there's men who wear bow ties (i.e. mayor anthony williams)
second of all i'm leary of people who preach on television AND ask for "gifts" aka cold hard cash. it is my belief that many (not all) of these fools are preying on people like my mother. people who are down on their luck. no hope. no life. no one to love them. people who are at the lowest points in their lives. indeed, that's what the word of christ calls christians to do. i understand that christ's message was to reach out to those whom no one else will reach out to. but CLEARLY christ did not ask for $gifts when he was ministering. EVEryTHING cost money on christian television. from motivational tapes, to sermons, to mugs, rosaries and t-shirts. i'm not down with them selling the faith, especially to my mother.
i'm also leary of the "african born again."
now anyone who is familiar with born again christians knows that they are VOCAL and excited about their faith. more power to them. do ya thing. but AFRICAN born again christians irk me/borderline freak me out. africans always have a way of mixing the primitive with the modern, the civilized with the scary. thus, they combine things that shouldn't be combined. christ and voodoo are weird.
now i'm not trying to say that my mother does voodoo. heck no. she aint that crazy, but i'm just wondering if this faith thing is going too far. maybe she's excited about it. after all, it's the one thing she has going for herself. her career is gone. her man is gone. all the people who she thought were her friend are gone. now all she has is her family, and her faith. so of course, i understand that she would cling to it. but my mother has never been down with all that loud noise making and holy roly crap that i saw at her church.
sunday. oh boy. first of all it was hot. like 95. i pulled out a sleeveless shirt to wear to church and asked her if she thought it was appropriate. she said no, and gave me a shirt to wear. now it was a nice shirt...
for 60 or 70 degree weather. however, lets cut the jokes beacuse rayon and polyester blends dont do well in heat. fuck. so she made me wear the shirt. fine. i didn't argue.
when we finally pulled up to the church, which was in its new stages of building, i had an open mind. i'm game for whatever most of the time. when i walked in the door, i figured, "ok this isn't going to be so bad". the people were friendly enough and all patted me on the head, as if they were waiting for the arrival of my mother's dog, instead of my mother's daughter.
sike naw, they were really nice....a little too nice if u ask me, but i brushed my shoulders off and proceeded to walk into the sanctuary. i wanted to know where all the commotion was coming from. since the church is brand new, they had yet to have their lights cut on. so it was dark with no ac. however, since church hadn't started, most of the seats were empty. but the commotion was coming from TWO women who walked up and down the center aisles shouting, jumping, dancing around, and....
speaking in tongues.
now if there's one thing i DONT get down with, it's speaking in tongues. especially when african people do it. that shit crossed the line for me. it really did.
do u know these ladies just jumped and hollered and made noise for the next thirty minutes. WHAT? by the time the service started, i wanted to make a mad dash for the car. every bone in my body wanted to. i really wanted to tell my mother "Oh hell naw", but i couldn't do that. shit. so pretty much, i had to stay. bootleg church. that's what i call it. the preacher was actually good, i'll give him his props, but i dont like the way he looked at me, and held my hand for a long time when he met me. no no. can someone say, "uncomfortable"
lets cut the jokes. when u speak in tongues, everyone is supposed to have their own language, because they're talking to God in a language that only the two can understand. but everyone who spoke in tongues seemed like they had the same thing to say. it all sounded the same to me.
"shanta....shanta ali babba shanta"
i was waiting for someone to say "ali babba and the 40 thieves"...lets cut the jokes like anika would say. please.
i'm not down with their style of worship. for real i'm not. it's a little too eccentric for me. but i mean, i guess it's about what u like and prefer. me. well i don't like or prefer those fools.
this is supposed to be a vacation but it's sucking the life out of me. i haven't seen a music video since i've gotten down here. nor have i listened to normal folks radio aka "secular crap" according to my mother. ARGH. if i hear ONE more christian rock song....somebody HELP ME! all she does is listen to that and those preaching broadcasts. i mean, nothing will be worse than brother "harold campings."
melanie, u know what i'm talking about. he's what i like to call and "learned" self-interpreter of the bible.
I THOUGHT nothing could be worse than him until i pretty much listened to this broadcast last night on the radio about homosexuality. i'm not even faking, they had some bible verses to back up what they were talking about. but then they started talking about the cause of someone wanting to be a transvestite, and that's pretty much when vonney boo proceeded to be done.
"now lets say there's a little boy who's ten and he has a sister who is 8. the little boy hears all the time that the little girl is a "princess" and "daddy's little angel." the little boy, wanting this attention from his father, starts going into the girls closet and wearing the little girls clothes, because he wants that attention from daddy too."
thus, folks, u have a transvestite. voila. easy as that nasty mac and cheese shit u make in the microwave.
iight, so this afternoon, i tell my mother that i need to make a doctor's appointment. no, my father has not had alot of time to schedule me one or take me there. but i had a physical in november. so what has been the point. i dont get sick like that. anyway she says that he's been to busy chasing the "almighty dollar".....
that ticked me the fuck off. it seems small, but the way she said it, it's like she was indicting my father or something. i told her ass off . yes he's chasing the damn dollar, cause who the hell else would have put me through school? you? HA. what a joke. if my father had some ugly looking navigator, or esaclade or some shit like that, i could get down with her comment, BUT NO....he doesn't have much....and he's struggling trying to make ends meet with TWO full time jobs. she said it like he's working that hard to have extra cash and be selfish and greedy and buy shit that doesn't even matter. BUT fact of the matter is that my father doesn't have that much spending cash. all of his money goes in some way to his children. he has made SO many sacrifices....and rightly so, because he's doing what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. i have MUCH respect for him and everything that he's done. and that's alot more than i can say for her. i don't even KNOW why she went there. i will always honor and defend my father because he means that much to me, and i will go hard when someone speaks badly of him.
thinking about it has me mad. shit.
Tuesday, 18 July 2006
A Poem for Soulymane.
i wrote this poem in africa and shared it with lena last night.
A Poem for Soulymane
you died a purple cloth for me
astutely carrying the weight of life
on her head
hibiscus headwrap
wound tightly around the
center of thought
This cloth moves me to look
deeper than the hue
perhaps you can explain it?
blank expressions
eyes absent
but the hibiscus head wrap
remains ornate and
prominent.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Soulymane
Souly
like Soleil- 'the sun?'
Souly- non?
yes.
then i think, like Solomon.
so you are royalty
and bleed the wine-coloured blood of kings.
learned in the arts
and a professed lover.
so your heart lapses onto the canvas.
is this your blood on the headwrap?
stained and
decorated.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
you wrapped her head tightly
her thoughts can not escape
no eyes to stare
no nose to smell
the mouth cannot sing to you.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
You take my hand within yours.
larger and worn.
yet worked.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Let me look at you
and inhale the life I see before me.
if not, can I taste you?
swallow the blood spilled
and suck out your pain.
hold your breath and
I will make you purple again.
Do you like it?
Yes, I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes, I want it.
to be mine.
Shall we share our losses
Soulymane?
come and bare the secrets
only you know
and the lavender scent will escape
your soft tongue.
Stroke the painting sotly
and tell me what you think
about being blue.
love lingers not without
red hues.
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Currently Listening
The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3
By Jill Scott
My Love
thanksgiving has come and gone...
and i'm thankful. spent time with my cousing who i haven't seen in six years. wowsers.
i'm thankful AND i'm trying not to let situations and foolishness rain on my parade. cut the freaking jokes.
RS...is engaged. i feel like jill scott on that song, "My Love..." at least that's what i think the song is called. it's the new single where she's on the phone with some guy in the beginning and she discovers that he's engaged to marry someone else. UGH...he just met this chick like four months ago at the start of the school year...now they're planning on a life time together. excuse me for being skeptical (maybe a little jealous)...but he just told me about the chick three weeks ago because he didn't want to say anything "prematurely." negro please. and now all of a sudden you two are getting married? wtf? *rolling eyes* i'm done. i sent him a text message yesterday....
me: are u serious
ron: yes yvonne, and if u can't be happy for me then this is where our friendship ends. i don't want that to happen because i really love you
me: hmm. this is not young and restless. kill the drama cuz it's not that serious. i trust your judgement of character...but i'll reserve my own judgement until after i meet her....it's your life
note: i didn't say i accepted it. he's got to be kidding me! he's bunning up with me two months ago....now all of a sudden he's engaged to some random broad.
oh well. greater things are in store for me. thanks.
AND...
Sunday, 02 December 2007
finally coming to grips...
today, i finally came to grips that ron is happily engaged to somene else. i've been suppressing the emotions since i heard the news two weeks ago. then i told jb about the problem and his answer was long, yet simple.
papichulostump51 (3:15:39 AM): obviously not
papichulostump51 (3:15:49 AM): he played u pretty well i would say
papichulostump51 (3:16:38 AM): if u could see thru it, it woulda been over a long time ago
papichulostump51 (3:17:15 AM): the best way to play the field is to date one person at a time
papichulostump51 (3:17:21 AM): not multiple people
papichulostump51 (3:17:43 AM): when u do that, u hopefully find someone who is lookin for the same stuff u are
papichulostump51 (3:17:58 AM): when u date multiple ppl, u see different aspect of each person u like
papichulostump51 (3:18:24 AM): doesnt work that way, cuz then u dont wanna give either of them up cuz wat u really tryin to do is combine them to give u a complete dude
i started crying after line # 2.
he's true.
it's not fufilling and it only hurts me more in the long run. i'll never be satisfied that way.
God, it hurts so bad. like someone just hit my stomach with bricks.
still crying.
TO THIS...
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Currently Listening
Fearless
By Jazmine Sullivan
Lions, and Tigers, and Bears
see related
so date night got postponed...
until this evening. we'll see what he says. called him on my way to penn class last night and we both agreed it was HORRIBLE weather....
seriously, the weather stopped game five of the world series from continuing....nasty, cold, rainy....and wet....so we postponed things until tonight.
wonder what i'll wear.
let me give you that stats:
24
philly native (and willing tour guide)
former music teacher in Jersey
plays 13 musical instruments
aspiring songwriter
i can respect his hustle. i CANT respect your hustle if you make beats in your mothers basement all day. however, he lives in a 3 bedroom house with his godbrother...is extremely talented, and has the vision, passion, and work ethic to make his dreams come true. very nice.
we'll see if there's chemistry.
TO MY MOTHER'S TIMELY MESSAGE
Saturday, 13 June 2009
mommy's exhortation to me...wow.
June 13, 2009
Hi Yvonne,
I am sitting here quietly reading and meditating on the word of God, and you came forcefully to my mind, as I was looking up certain scriptures. So I am writing to exhort you.
Not so long ago you called me over the phone crying that you can’t help it that you feel compelled and that you have surrendered your life to Christ, how that somebody you met on the airplane led you to Christ. You called me, confessing with your own mouth (Rom 10:9). I, beyond a shadow of doubt, believe that particular day, your fate (destiny) was sealed in Christ by the Holy Spirit (2 Cor. 1:22, Eph. 1:13, 4:30).
That particular day when you answered the call of God, you became his for eternity; so there is no turning back, for God does not give up his own (Rom 11:29). He will never let go of you neither will he revoke his calling of you or take away the gift of his Son Jesus Christ and the things he did for you, as well as the gifts he imparted to you when you believed on him that fateful day. Jesus Christ said “And I give to them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand those that the Father has given to me known can pluck them out of my hand.”(John 10:28). If God reneges on his word then he ceases to be God.
Just as God does not give up on his own, so Satan does not give up on whe he once considered belonged to him (Matt. 12:44-45). Call to remembrance that you once belonged to him Satan, so he constantly prowls around you, looking for opportunities, flooding you with temptations, for you to give into your fleshly desires, that’s why, there is a constant battle within you to do that which your conscience witnesses to you to do that which is good or to abstain from that which is evil and your flesh fights with you to give into and sin against God.
Now, remember Jesus, said the servant is not greater than his Lord. Just as they persecuted Jesus, so they will persecute you (John 15:20). (I would like for you to absorb this in). Satan is not after you per say, for you by yourself are nothing without Christ, (in your you state, you belong to him). He is after Jesus Christ who is God the Father and God the Holy Spirit who resides within you. So you will as long as you live on this earth be under constant attack from the devil (you will be a bullseye for his target practice). That why the Bible says, “Ye are of God little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you (God), than he that is in the world (Satan).” 1 John 4:4. In the Bible, the word of God, tells us that we will face tribulations, sufferings. (John 6:33, II Tim. 2:12, 1 Thess. 3:3-4), for we have being called to such.
I am sure when you that all who have signed up to follow Christ, never in the beginning envisioned that this would be a life of war, fraught with bombs being thrown at us from every angle; we constantly dodging landmines that Satan lays along the wayside in wait for us. Had we known all of this ahead of God’s calling, we would have said no to God, and continued to stay in our sinful condition. But thanks be to God, who has not given up on us, for while we were yet sinners he sent his Son to die on the cross, so that we might be reconciled to him.
As my child and more so sister in Christ, I empathize with your “being depressed,” your somberness. I go thru it daily, but the more I focus on Christ, he gives me the strength to pull thru and rise above, the circumstances life daily throws at me. I promise you, it will get better. Focus on the word of God, read your Bible daily and pray, it gets better.
When I look back on my life especially at the 10 Commandment, I violated each one of them, and the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is “thou shalt not kill.” I have committed two abortions, and Satan never ceases to remind me. But, oh for the grace of God! I have repented of this evil, and God has given me a sense of peace, relieving me of the guilt and shame, also assuring me that I will get to see them again in heaven one day,which brings tremendous joy to my soul.
So my dear Yvonne, be at peace, as a child of God, he will not allow you to continue to live in sin, you have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, so whatever is holding you back from serving God, be assured he will get you to relinquish it, one way or the other, by his Spirit at work within you. So corporate with the Holy Spirit and be obedient to him, and be at peace and enjoy the abundant life he has given to you to enjoy here on earth at this present time and eternity which is to come. Do not live in a defeated state where you are constantly repressed and oppressed by the devil, Go and get yourself baptized physically as God commanded us to do in Matt. 28:20 and ask God to pour out his Spirit upon you from upon high. There is a difference in these two. The Holy Spirit will transform your life forever and make your life much easier to live and you will not be vacillating to and fro about the things of God.
Remember, “And all thy children shall be thought of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.” “In righteousness shall thou be established, thou shalt be far from oppression, for thou shalt not fear: and from terror, for it shall not come near thee.”
Isa. 54:13-14. This goes for Tungie and Marke too. At this time God has chosen to open up your own eyes and ears (Mk. 4:11). I eagerly await to see his working in Tungie’s and Marke’s life as they bring glory to him. For I know he’s doing it even as I write this exhortation to you.
I love you dearly. God bless you!
Mummy.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
we're almost a third finished with the year.....
what in the world?
time keeps-a-moving....and i keep renewing my strength day after day to pursue what God has called me to do. taking up my cross daily is no easy task, and yet, i rest assured knowing that He will guide me and lead me where He wants me to go...no matter how much of a hot mess I am. God has plans for me and I'm so thankful I KNOW HE is working in my life.
I applied for the Institute for Recruitment of Teachers program which will help me apply to doctoral programs. Specifically, I applied to the IRT associate's program which would pair me with an advisor. My advisor and I will meet, via phone conference, twice a week in September and October to discuss my graduate school application progress, refine my personal statement and tweak my writing samples. Most importantly, my advisor will help me match my professional and academic goals with the best Ph.D education programs within their 42 school consortium. I have to apply to a minimum of 10 schools and all of my fees are waived (Hallelujah in advance!) lol.
If it's God's will, then He'll make it happen.
let's see....what else has been going on....
friendships are changing, some for the better and others...well....ehhhh.....
i've found an awesome church home with a great group of God-fearing, LOVING people who have the Word of God planted deeply in their hearts. it's great to be surrounded by people who are deeply rooted in the Word, especially for a newly saved person like me. actually, i've been saved for almost 4 years, but i've never truly allowed God to transform me. as i allow Him to come into my heart, i'm so thankful that He didn't give up on me and that He continued to show me his grace and mercy, despite of my own foolishness.
i'm focused on God....everything and everyone else that (or who) doesn't fall in line will eventually fall by the wayside....and i'm ok with that.
other than that....all's well on the homefront.
peace,
YC
just writing it as it comes...
this week is all about fasting and prayer...
woke up this morning...the Holy Spirit and i just had a conversation...
didn't realize how much i missed this getting caught up in the fast pace of daily life...not giving Him honor where honor is always due...not conversing with Him or sitting in His presence daily...
so my prayer turned into a hushed silence...He wanted to talk to me.
pastor imani told me to write down all of my present concerns/worries, etc. but in matthew 6:33 it said to seek first the kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto me...everything else will fall in line when i'm seeking the kingdom first...not the approval of man...not more money....not status...but the kingdom...
Concern #1: My Job- I've already told God the desires of my heart. everyday when i go to work, i feel so confined...so limited by those 4 walls. i've always had a desire to see the world...to travel...to help...going to 4th and market everyday seems so limiting...and yet, it pays my bills. i have more than enough after i pay my tithes and my bills. it's not a million (yet, haha) but it's certainly more than most other folks can say in this "recession economy". God kept saying grace...you have grace. God's unmerited favor....i remember one of the first times Bishop prophesied over me, He said, "if you only knew the amount of grace you have over your life"....
i was thinking about applying for another position either in the central office or at another school...and God said "Wait. There's still more work for you to do here. Wait."
those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength....they shall mount up on wings of eagles...they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint...wait on the Lord....
tribulation worketh patience.....
haha!
all i could do is chuckle....my test is going to be my testimony...
my desire is to have a prosperous photography business that allows me to travel the country and the world, so that i would not be confined to the four walls of a classroom or a building but that i would be able to capture the images of God clearly and plainly through the lens of my camera. God created man in His image and likeness, so what better work than to see what God looks like...us! images of love, hope, joy, peace, and all of the fruits of His Holy Spirit. my desire is to commit my business to God and allow Him to use me to travel and to spread His Good News in the process. i pray that in His will.
Concern #2: Marriage...money...house...ring....-boy oh boy, has this thing been on my mind something heavy lately...i absolutely, positively am soooooooo excited to become Mrs. Ronald Dwayne Simms, Jr. and say YES to marrying my man! then, the excitement kind of dampens when i think about the expenses...ring, wedding, house, vacation...the whole nine yards...then God said..."who are you doing this for...you, or other people?" when it's all said and done....i love ron more than any rinky, dink ring. i want Him. Bishop told the story about how he and Pastor Imani were engaged and he stressed so much about getting a house filled with new furniture for his new bride that he almost lost his mind. haha. Pastor Imani also testified that when they got married, all he had was a rust suit with shoes that had holes in them and now, his closet is flyer than hers! lol. i loved that testimony because it was so timely. here i am, worrying about THINGS when that's not what i'm called to do. seek ye first the kingdom of God....God's will is that we be married and that we commit our marriage and our lives to HIm...He'll do the rest. our marriage is what other people will see and learn from...when they see the love between us, it's going to begin to heal and deliver other people...we're going to set the standard...and all this is going to happen whether or not i have a rubber band or a rock on my finger. God wants to use us to get the glory...and that's what my heart is set on. that's what my heart is excited about.
funny thing is, i got an email this morning saying that our house (the one we prayed over and annointed with oil) just went down another $10,000 to $214,900. three weeks ago, it was $248,000......
0_o
yea. my face exactly.
i've been going back and forth about this engagement ring. ron asked me to look at another, less costly one and i immediately shot him down. i had my sights set on something larger, fancier, bigger, etc. while i admit i have bourgie taste, i just know in my heart of hearts that i want to marry him....and soon. it's difficult to be apart from him. and i realized the reason why i wanted a fancy right was to impress other people. i figured if i wasn't going to have a fancy wedding or reception, at least i could wow other people with my ring. but at the end of the day, when it's all said and done, it's going to take a while to save for that ring. God told me to be realistic about everything, especially given what we're trying to accomplish.
He whispered in my ear that we're going to be married next year. not 2013 like "WE" were planning. haha. we plan. God laughs. God has His own timing. then He said in the next 2-3 years, He's going to show Himself so strong on my behalf that i won't have a choice but to believe it's anything but Him. wow. WOW.
i don't know what God is doing, but i can't wait to see HOW he moves...He's completely awesome.
this fast is a fast of consecration. it's also a fast to remind me to stay in His presence and to talk to Him daily. i told Him this morning that i missed Him. i missed talking to Him. i missed His embrace. i missed being intimate with Him. i'm happy that i took the time out this morning.
Amen.
woke up this morning...the Holy Spirit and i just had a conversation...
didn't realize how much i missed this getting caught up in the fast pace of daily life...not giving Him honor where honor is always due...not conversing with Him or sitting in His presence daily...
so my prayer turned into a hushed silence...He wanted to talk to me.
pastor imani told me to write down all of my present concerns/worries, etc. but in matthew 6:33 it said to seek first the kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto me...everything else will fall in line when i'm seeking the kingdom first...not the approval of man...not more money....not status...but the kingdom...
Concern #1: My Job- I've already told God the desires of my heart. everyday when i go to work, i feel so confined...so limited by those 4 walls. i've always had a desire to see the world...to travel...to help...going to 4th and market everyday seems so limiting...and yet, it pays my bills. i have more than enough after i pay my tithes and my bills. it's not a million (yet, haha) but it's certainly more than most other folks can say in this "recession economy". God kept saying grace...you have grace. God's unmerited favor....i remember one of the first times Bishop prophesied over me, He said, "if you only knew the amount of grace you have over your life"....
i was thinking about applying for another position either in the central office or at another school...and God said "Wait. There's still more work for you to do here. Wait."
those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength....they shall mount up on wings of eagles...they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint...wait on the Lord....
tribulation worketh patience.....
haha!
all i could do is chuckle....my test is going to be my testimony...
my desire is to have a prosperous photography business that allows me to travel the country and the world, so that i would not be confined to the four walls of a classroom or a building but that i would be able to capture the images of God clearly and plainly through the lens of my camera. God created man in His image and likeness, so what better work than to see what God looks like...us! images of love, hope, joy, peace, and all of the fruits of His Holy Spirit. my desire is to commit my business to God and allow Him to use me to travel and to spread His Good News in the process. i pray that in His will.
Concern #2: Marriage...money...house...ring....-boy oh boy, has this thing been on my mind something heavy lately...i absolutely, positively am soooooooo excited to become Mrs. Ronald Dwayne Simms, Jr. and say YES to marrying my man! then, the excitement kind of dampens when i think about the expenses...ring, wedding, house, vacation...the whole nine yards...then God said..."who are you doing this for...you, or other people?" when it's all said and done....i love ron more than any rinky, dink ring. i want Him. Bishop told the story about how he and Pastor Imani were engaged and he stressed so much about getting a house filled with new furniture for his new bride that he almost lost his mind. haha. Pastor Imani also testified that when they got married, all he had was a rust suit with shoes that had holes in them and now, his closet is flyer than hers! lol. i loved that testimony because it was so timely. here i am, worrying about THINGS when that's not what i'm called to do. seek ye first the kingdom of God....God's will is that we be married and that we commit our marriage and our lives to HIm...He'll do the rest. our marriage is what other people will see and learn from...when they see the love between us, it's going to begin to heal and deliver other people...we're going to set the standard...and all this is going to happen whether or not i have a rubber band or a rock on my finger. God wants to use us to get the glory...and that's what my heart is set on. that's what my heart is excited about.
funny thing is, i got an email this morning saying that our house (the one we prayed over and annointed with oil) just went down another $10,000 to $214,900. three weeks ago, it was $248,000......
0_o
yea. my face exactly.
i've been going back and forth about this engagement ring. ron asked me to look at another, less costly one and i immediately shot him down. i had my sights set on something larger, fancier, bigger, etc. while i admit i have bourgie taste, i just know in my heart of hearts that i want to marry him....and soon. it's difficult to be apart from him. and i realized the reason why i wanted a fancy right was to impress other people. i figured if i wasn't going to have a fancy wedding or reception, at least i could wow other people with my ring. but at the end of the day, when it's all said and done, it's going to take a while to save for that ring. God told me to be realistic about everything, especially given what we're trying to accomplish.
He whispered in my ear that we're going to be married next year. not 2013 like "WE" were planning. haha. we plan. God laughs. God has His own timing. then He said in the next 2-3 years, He's going to show Himself so strong on my behalf that i won't have a choice but to believe it's anything but Him. wow. WOW.
i don't know what God is doing, but i can't wait to see HOW he moves...He's completely awesome.
this fast is a fast of consecration. it's also a fast to remind me to stay in His presence and to talk to Him daily. i told Him this morning that i missed Him. i missed talking to Him. i missed His embrace. i missed being intimate with Him. i'm happy that i took the time out this morning.
Amen.
24 November 2011
can a man take fire in his bosom...
without being burned?
(post disclaimer: i'm writing this from another computer so don't judge me for any typos)
lust. fornication. fornication. lust.
demons which have chased me down for the longest time. the more i've tried to escape them, the more they've chased me. their presence in my life has opened the gates of hell and unleashed legions of demons to attack my spirit. correction: my decisions have allowed these demons to come into my life.
when i was 10 i had no understanding of spiritual things. heck, when i was 23 i had no understanding of spirtual things. but now that i know who's attacking me and why, will i not stop?
the Holy Spirit has spoken to me very clearly these past two evenings:
"can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?"
and
"if you don't stop, i'll take him from you. my will for you is connected to your holiness."
lust. fornication. fornitcation. lust.
as soon as they come into my life, my mouth shuts. prayer becomes cumbersome...they very thing which makes them flee. my praise becomes dead. my worship seems meaningless.
lust. fornicaton. fornication. lust.
they've caused me to settle. lower my standards for small things...for small men...for small experiences...they're so base and they drag me down with them. yesterday, the lust demon MUST have been on me cuz i said i'd settle for any ring...any experience...anything. that that moment, i wanted marriage...for the legal right to have sex. i wanted to lay my man out on the floor, right then and there, jump on him, ride him until i couldn't ride him anymore, and wake up in the morning, guilt free...with a rubber band on my finger.
last night we watched Twilight:Breaking Dawn and while i wasn't all that impressed by the melodrama and the terrible acting, i was impressed that the movie portrayed Bella and Edward's commitment to staying chaste until marriage. i thought about our wedding day and wedding night. i thought about how much it would mean to us, not only to share that experience with each other, but to share the testimony that we were able to remain pure until our wedding day. i pictured walking down the aisle with him waiting patiently at the end, smiling, and ready. the enemy has reconized something so perfect and pure between us, that now He wants to come and destroy it. our friendship was built upon purity and chastity. before these past two months, we hadn't even kissed in 5 years! yes we're attracted to each other, but we were able to do without all of this for so long, we can clearly go another year and a few months.
am i beating up on myself? no, not quite. just acknowleding that we opened the door. i confess i opened a door several nights ago when i lay in my bed and overcome by the lust demon, i did something i shouldn't have. God, we need you to shut this door that we have opened. forgive us Father, for we have sinned, and certainly fallen short of the glory of God.
i will not live in fear. i will not live in shame. i will not live in condemnation. those are all spirits which come when playing with the lust demon. i won't do it. i won't settle. i've spent my entire life settling for what i deserve as God's child. i won't let the enemy strip us of what God has placed in us.
next week is a week of fasting and much prayer. fasting, prayer, and re-consecration.
i believe God when He says He'll take Ron from me. God is not a man that He shall lie. He's a sovereign God. He does whatever He wants and whatever He needs to do.
forgive us Father. i repent. i'm sorry. consecrate me. purge me. cleanse me. keep me. purify me. sanctify me.
(post disclaimer: i'm writing this from another computer so don't judge me for any typos)
lust. fornication. fornication. lust.
demons which have chased me down for the longest time. the more i've tried to escape them, the more they've chased me. their presence in my life has opened the gates of hell and unleashed legions of demons to attack my spirit. correction: my decisions have allowed these demons to come into my life.
when i was 10 i had no understanding of spiritual things. heck, when i was 23 i had no understanding of spirtual things. but now that i know who's attacking me and why, will i not stop?
the Holy Spirit has spoken to me very clearly these past two evenings:
"can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?"
and
"if you don't stop, i'll take him from you. my will for you is connected to your holiness."
lust. fornication. fornitcation. lust.
as soon as they come into my life, my mouth shuts. prayer becomes cumbersome...they very thing which makes them flee. my praise becomes dead. my worship seems meaningless.
lust. fornicaton. fornication. lust.
they've caused me to settle. lower my standards for small things...for small men...for small experiences...they're so base and they drag me down with them. yesterday, the lust demon MUST have been on me cuz i said i'd settle for any ring...any experience...anything. that that moment, i wanted marriage...for the legal right to have sex. i wanted to lay my man out on the floor, right then and there, jump on him, ride him until i couldn't ride him anymore, and wake up in the morning, guilt free...with a rubber band on my finger.
last night we watched Twilight:Breaking Dawn and while i wasn't all that impressed by the melodrama and the terrible acting, i was impressed that the movie portrayed Bella and Edward's commitment to staying chaste until marriage. i thought about our wedding day and wedding night. i thought about how much it would mean to us, not only to share that experience with each other, but to share the testimony that we were able to remain pure until our wedding day. i pictured walking down the aisle with him waiting patiently at the end, smiling, and ready. the enemy has reconized something so perfect and pure between us, that now He wants to come and destroy it. our friendship was built upon purity and chastity. before these past two months, we hadn't even kissed in 5 years! yes we're attracted to each other, but we were able to do without all of this for so long, we can clearly go another year and a few months.
am i beating up on myself? no, not quite. just acknowleding that we opened the door. i confess i opened a door several nights ago when i lay in my bed and overcome by the lust demon, i did something i shouldn't have. God, we need you to shut this door that we have opened. forgive us Father, for we have sinned, and certainly fallen short of the glory of God.
i will not live in fear. i will not live in shame. i will not live in condemnation. those are all spirits which come when playing with the lust demon. i won't do it. i won't settle. i've spent my entire life settling for what i deserve as God's child. i won't let the enemy strip us of what God has placed in us.
next week is a week of fasting and much prayer. fasting, prayer, and re-consecration.
i believe God when He says He'll take Ron from me. God is not a man that He shall lie. He's a sovereign God. He does whatever He wants and whatever He needs to do.
forgive us Father. i repent. i'm sorry. consecrate me. purge me. cleanse me. keep me. purify me. sanctify me.
16 November 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)