I woke up this morning with gratitude.  The Lord said to me, "Sing unto me a new song."

I know He is restoring the brokenness in my family.  I know He is healing the rift between my mother and I, one whose presence has pained me for years.

My own daughter is laying on my chest and I think to myself that I want her to know my embrace is open for the rest of our time together on this earth.  That even as a grown woman,  she will have some sanctuary here in my arms.  Because sometimes, we just need our mommies.  I want her to know it's ok.

God said that Ron and I are raising up a leader.  I don't know how He is going to use her exactly.  I will inquire more.  I want to know who I al raising and how to raise her.  She is strong.  I know that from four weeks of being in her presence 24/7.  Very strong.  Outsiders observe her and misname that trait as stubborn.  She is not stubborn.  She is resolute and determined.  This child will have no problem speaking the truth.  Now, I just pray that she have the grace and is motivated by the love of God....a love for His people.  Because of the giftings she has, she will be loved by many and ummmm not so loved by many.  I pray for her strength.

Folasade Grace Simms was born on 10/28/2014 at 5:58 pm.  She weighed 7 lbs and was 21 inches long.

She made me a mother.  She made me a mommy.

And now,  we are going into our third week of life together.

I don't sleep the same.  I listen for her at night to make sure she's ok.  She vomits, poops,  pees, and cries on me....and I love her just the same.  There's a grace that comes with being a mommy.  I can't explain it.  Perhaps it's natural.  It's definitely hard work but there is a grace.

She's beautiful.  She looks like me.  I love her.

The season has changed.

I'm a mother now.

Everything got real when I saw that face.

i am not excited about this.

being someone's mother.  raising a child.  staying at home.

nothing about this excites me.  nothing.

that probably makes me a bad person.  i am ungrateful right?

God, you're the only one who can change my heart.  please, change my heart.  because that's what's in there and has been in there since February 14th of this year.  and the more i try to pretend,  the more disgusting i feel.

so i've never been in a real physical altercation in my life...

but, have you ever been kicked while already down?  like, sucker punched in the gut and then stomped in the head a couple of times just to make sure you remain there....?  then kicked in the face too.

yea,  that's how that felt.

This is my last Friday before I'm someone's mother....

and I'm having mixed feelings about it....

*blank stare*

Step by step. Rome wasn't built in a day.