For most of my adult life when I've been in academic or professional settings, I've felt invisible.  Well...at least invisible to white people....invisible to people with privilege.  I've felt so much so that it often took me aback when I was acknowledged in an unassuming or friendly manner by one.  I was so used to being and feeling ignored that I did not know how to interact with them.

Was part of this real and part of this assumed?  Perhaps?  Maybe then those perceptions turned into reality.  Or did reality create an exaggerated perception?  Chicken or the egg?  Which came first?  Who knows?  Not I?  All I know is that I feel that way again sitting in this videography workshop.  A room full of white men who all have a level or privilege because they are videographers.  They are used to the equipment, the technicalities, the terminology, etc.  In fact, they're all in here yawning because this is far from a master class...more like a comprehensive class.  It's good for me because I'm coming from a limited background in this stuff.  And that's ok.  They huddle in corners and talk technical stuff.  I'd rather not be weird like "hey guys....how's the weather?"  I suppose I knew this would happen.  Lol.  I'm not stranger to being a stranger.  I'm no stranger to being abnormal.  I'm no stranger to being different and being alienated because of it.

Last night I had a dream. I'd landed a commercial cal ideography gig for a Jewish owned grocery store in Far Northeast.  The store was poorly stocked...probably on the outs and in a decline.  After I set up and as I began to shoot, an old white man walked into the store.  He approached me as I attempted to shoot the poorly stocked and sad attempt of an ethnic hair care section.  He was angry: I could see it in his face. He approached me and physically was trying to restrain me.  The thing is, I didn't have the energy or the strength to stop him from stopping me.  He was so frail too...think old creepy guy from Family Guy.  Literally that frail in stature and strength and I could not get him off me.

Weird.  Odd.  Perhaps not all that odd.  Perhaps just a manifestation of my fear of white male privilege.  It's nothing I can't conquer and I know it...I'm just not acting on it.

Anyway,  the class is interesting.  I can definitely take some nuggets.  Def not flying a drone tomorrow lol, but I think I might be ready to shoot and edit my girls video complete with an interview and some accompanying b-roll.

Baby steps.  They're good for someone who likes to take giant leaps. Lol.  Baby steps.

Boom.

This from Proverbs 31 ministries.  Today, more than ever, I needed a reminder that His grace is sufficient.  Gracie bet'not be chewing no holes through my cheek...but sometimes, I do want to yell.  In fact, sometimes I do lol.  This motherhood thing isn't more than I can handle.  (I'll have to come back and check this blog a year from now when I'll have a 2 year old and a 6 month old on my hands lol).  Le sigh.  Deep breath in and blow one out.  One.day.at.a.time.

"To all my young mama friends,
I struggled so much when my kids were little.

 

People would tell me to appreciate these little years for they pass by in a blink. I’d go home blinking my little eyeballs to death wishing they would pass a little quicker.

But I must say, God used those years to grow me and stretch me more spiritually than anything else I’ve ever been through. Even when you only get little snippets of time with God, His lessons are there moment by moment.

Just the fact that I survived my first daughter is evidence of God’s amazing grace working in my life. She once bit my face leaving me with a hole - A HOLE! - in the side of my cheek. With everything in me, I wanted to march her back to that hospital that aided me in birthing her and demand some DNA testing. I was certain I’d brought home the wrong child.

That is until my mama told me she’d been praying for years for me to birth someone just like me. Ahem. Payback for her was pure bliss.

Anyhow, moment by moment I survived. Life did not pass me by. Opportunity did not pass me by. And my ministry was right there waiting for me when I changed that last diaper.

Those years where I only did little people ministry within my home worked out some kinks between me and Lord and perfectly prepared my heart to be so much more real and authentic when I stepped back on the speaking stage. I came to realize my desperate need for God like never before.

I came to realize my desperate need for grace like never before. I came to realize that even a rule-following girl like me can be pushed to cuss. And then I realized even more grace than before.

Hold on sweet sister. There is nothing wrong with you when you feel like you love those little people but some days you don’t like them very much. It’s okay. We’ve all been there. This too shall pass. And when it does you’ll actually miss parts of it. And you’ll actually not miss some parts of it too!"
- Lysa TerKeurst

i don't really have much to say these days.

Grace.
Much grace.

I don't know where this fear came from.  Well I know where fear comes from of course but not sure why so much anxiety right now.

In 4 hours I'm turning over the keys to the first home we purchased as a married couple.  This was our first big leap of faith.

Today marks a day of great transition.  I'm moving out of the city I've called home for the past seven years...a city I have grown to love and hate.  Does that even out to just like? Lol.

Bishop recently looked at me and said, "Daughter, you handle transition well.  That's just what you do."  I chalked it up to one of those, "speaks those thing a that aren't as if they were" moments and kept it moving.

My husband keeps telling me, "Don't get scared now."  I'm not scared.  Just learning how to embrace all that's new without holding on to the past.

Let's go!

Paths.

Psalms 23 & 25.

God change my mind about everything.

My value and who I am.

My marriage.

My motherhood and parenting.

My relationship with you.

I need a perspective shift.

My mind has been a hot mess as of late.

Help my mind God.