i didn't realize how early it is.

it's really early.

thank God for the start of a brand new day.

YC

you never really realize how much you're like your parents....until....you start doing things...like your parents.

i'm taking this life day by day and asking God to help me along the way.

Romans 8:1
Romans 8:28

yup.

that's where i am right now.

unbelief is at the core of it all.

i'm dry and i know it.

i've been sitting here for the past 5 hours working on this photography business and i still feel like i'm at square one.

flat.

running on empty.

if i was a car, i'd probably be sputtering right now, trying to make it to my destination.

underneath it all is unbelief.

i'm dry.

i'm dry because i don't pray in tongues.

i don't pray in tongues because i'm scared.

i'm scared because i don't want to get too close.

i don't want to get too close because i'll have to change.

i'll have to change because holiness to be a submitted vessel of God.

to be a submitted vessel of God, i have to believe that He is.

certainly i'm not at the point where i don't believe in His existence.....

maybe all of the above are just excuses.

i find myself drawing back from challenges these days.

i get mad at myself for observing from the sidelines.

as i hopped in the car today, i thought about how my greatest fear as a child was to be insignificant.

now, i find that fear manifesting itself in ugly ways.  self esteem.  self-consciousness.  defensiveness.  neediness. clinginess.  yet always walking around with a mask on because i would never want anyone to know that i desire for them to recognize me.

and sometimes i feel little.  sometimes i feel slighted....

random ramblings...i know.

i  guess i don't believe like i say i do, huh?

i have never read this entire quote until today.

what perfect sense it makes in the context of what i'm experience right now.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder what did I get myself into....

Walk with Christ.
Marriage.
Job.
Being an adult.
The whole nine.
Guess it's too late to go and traverse the rural villages in tye hills of Peru like Marcas.
That ship has long sailed.

.........

All things work together....