I feel alone.  Isolated.  I know I am not but when I wake up in the morning that's how I feel.

And the cloud continues to drift over me...no matter how hard I try to shake it....

And depression is now turning into anger....and it's hard to look myself in the mirror.

God I feel so alone.  Please help me.  Please.  Please. Please.

Please.

Jesus.

Some moments I feel like giving up before I even begin.

Some moments I feel stupid for choosing this path that I'm on.

Some moments I feel so small and so useless....like so worthless.

I feel...I feel...I feel.

My life now is quiet.  So am I.  I've never been loud or lived loudly.  I've always felt insignificant. Unimportant.  Like I've had nothing to contribute to this world.

Some moments...that is how i feel that way.  It's a constant battle...pushing that feeling back like a heavy lump in my throat that's always trying to rise up.

I'm reading.  I'm praying.  But I guess I don't believe enough...

Because some moments, that's how I feel.

So I just joined this group called TNDistrict, an online interface run by Travel Noire, a platform for black folks who want to travel around the world and support each other doing it.

The interface allows you to, among other things, connect with other travelers and access glitch fare deals (i.e. $300 round trip fares to Abu Dhabi...because I'm about that liiiiiife!).  Not sure how much i can take advantage of it within the next year but at least I'll have access to the platform and maybe me and Ron can catch something quick.

Yesterday, I asked God to allow us to travel the world and to send us some traveling companions.  We shall see.  It's a desire of my heart to travel and enjoy different cultures and different people.  I found myself lately getting jealous that my single or newly married friends (no babies) had the freedom to do such things.  No bueno.  So I just prayed about it and gave that to God.  All things in due time.

Counting my blessings.
One by one.

That's alot of counting.

A little while back, my Bishop asked me how I was doing.  I shared with him my concerns about being a new mother, leaving my career behind, starting a business, and my hesitance about what God was doing in my life.

He said to me:

"Daughter.  Enjoy your life.  God is making your life beautiful right now.  Just enjoy this time."

So that is what I shall do.  That is what I am doing.

Goodnight.

What if, just what if I allowed Jesus to REALLY be the center of it all?

My life.
My heart.
My mind.
My relationships.
My wifehood.
My motherhood.
My servanthood.
My business decisions.
My everything.

And not in some crazy uber religious churchy way with random rules and regulations.  No. Not the traditional way everyone thinks of when they think of someone sold out to Jesus.  I'm talking about what if I allowed Jesus Christ to be at the center of it ALL IN MY LIFE?

"What would I look like, sound like, act like, if you  stopped being the center of my own world?"

Oooops.  Because as I keep waking up in the weeeee morning hours and asking God, "What do you see when you see me?  What did you create me for?  You know...because I think in ready for the answer."  THAT WAS THE QUESTION and the reality He confronted me with.

Talk about shifty side eye.

"Yes you Yvonne.  You're at the center of your world and as much as you try to 'find and maintain balance', 'do what makes you happy' blah blah blah...whatever trendy catch phrase you've read about lately that makes you feel good, if I'm not at the center it's in vain AND you know it is."

Tell me why my own strength fails
To provide you with a grace that will prevail
You Holy One are my strength today
And Lord you will have it no other way

Le sigh.

And I look at my life now.  Closely examine it.  And He's right.  I'd say 85% of the decisions I'm making currently have been made with the initial thought of "how will this affect me?"  And that has given me sometimes temporary but limited peace and joy.  Even when the by product helps someone else (husband, child, church, etc.), I am always thinking about me.

Whoa.
Whoa.

So I sing "Let Us See Jesus" and "Jesus Be The Center of it All" but He has had to check me.  How can I really see Jesus with all of ME in the way?

Pause.  Reflect.  Selah alladat.  Not to condemn me or have me hide my head under a pillow or go on some sinning spree because there's no hope for a wretch like me.  I know to much about Him at this point in my walk to know He's not like that and He'a not after that response.  I wanted Him to be real with me and He gave me that because He knew I was mature enough to handle it.

Repent.  Die to myself.  Be conformed to His image and likeness.  Stop trying to work this thing out. It's making me tired.

Yea....God be talking to meeeeeeee.....

I began by faith and the only way to successfully continue is by faith.