Real life isn't romantic. But perhaps I guess it's what you (or I) make it.
Because I remember nights when walking through the park hand-in-hand was all I wanted to do
And now, you walk 10 steps ahead of me and don't even know when I've stopped.
And I sit up at night wanting/waiting to be touched....and settle for the offer of the crook of your arm.
So instead of strolling I walk quickly to get it over with....because you don't seem that interested in it anyway. And perhaps you're tired. You have been out all day. It just makes me wonder..."is this the way it's going to be?" Where our silence becomes normal and we settle for complacency.
This is just the way things are.
"Did I tell you you looked beautiful today?".....hours after the makeup is gone and I've tried my best. It's not an afterthought right? But I remember when that was the first thing out of your mouth.
I don't ask what's on your mind because you're never eager to share. Don't want to badger you.
#awkwardsmile
Real life isn't romantic.
And here I was being an optimist.
26 July 2014
23 July 2014
as i read this morning, the story of Gideon resonates so much with me.
indeed, His grace is sufficient for me. and in my weaknesses, He makes me strong.
Tell me why my own strength fails
To provide you with a grace that will prevail
You Holy One are my strength today
And Lord you will have it no other way....
YS
indeed, His grace is sufficient for me. and in my weaknesses, He makes me strong.
Tell me why my own strength fails
To provide you with a grace that will prevail
You Holy One are my strength today
And Lord you will have it no other way....
YS
17 July 2014
oh what a difference a year makes....
yes, what a difference a year makes....
i started this job on July 15th, 2013, weeks after our wedding.
on july 15th, 2014, i was discussing maternity leave, short term disability pay, and my final resignation date with an HR representative.
i left the classroom for good.
now i'm leaving mastery for good and not looking back.
i am having a baby girl in october.
i am in the last week of the second trimester. my body is more fatigued now and i'm super tired by the time 6:00 p.m. rolls around.
i'm also preparing to launch my business in January.
there's alot going on.
God, not my will but your will be done. if it's for me, show me. if it's not, close the door.
in Jesus' name. amen.
11 July 2014
02 July 2014
that my faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God
Cynthia: i mean
how is baby simms doing? back flipping and such
me: doing exactly that right now. probably because i had this iced latte earlier this morning.
besides that, i'm on my personal development mission.
Cynthia: what dat mean?
me: taking this free online course through Penn called "Total Leadership" taught by the author of this book: http://www.amaz
Cynthia: spelling of "dat" is intentional
me: lol. basically preparing for the next phase of my life.
being firm about what my values are. establishing a vision for the next 15 years of my life.
trying to find cohesiveness and balance in all areas of my life rather than balance and let some suffer while i pursue otheres.
Cynthia: so you get up on that counseling though
me: basically being ok and true to myself.
no. i haven't gone to counseling with a doctor.
i have been careful to seek counsel from people i consider to be mentors and most have a christian perspective.
my pastor's wife, my worship team leader, my Bishop and a few other folks who i felt comfortable talking to.
Cynthia: it's your life. and live it accordingly. but when you break your toe. you pray
AND go get a cast
and i'll leave it at that
Sent at 3:19 PM on Tuesday
me: lol. ok. yea, i've pretty much made up in my mind that i'm not going to a "doctor". i have never felt comfortable with the idea and in the end, i don't think they'll give me what i need.
Sent at 3:21 PM on Tuesday
me: what i need is a space to be honest with my foolishness and shortcomings and strategies to help me move past that and grow....and i can fairly say that i have that and i'm using it.
Cynthia: like i said your choice. and if you're not receptive, there isn't a point
me: so my toe is broken...i pray...but i've also been practical to seek to seek wise counsel from folks who get it.
true.
Cynthia: we disagree, but it's not my life.
me: indeed.
Sent at 3:23 PM on Tuesday
me: and that's ok. but overall, i'm in a good place...kinda like i'm on the brink of something great...but i'm not really sure what that is yet.
Cynthia: i'm happy that you're in a good place
Sent at 3:25 PM on Tuesday
Cynthia: i've seen when you aren't. and that's what concerns me. i'm leaving it there. you've surrounded yourself with what you feel comfortable with and I respect that
Sent at 3:26 PM on Tuesday
me: yes...i know what happens when i'm not in a good place...but the one thing i've come to realize is that i can make all the excuses in the world for all of things i believe i can't control...OR i can act as someone who has been given the authority and agency to change what i can control...
Sent at 3:29 PM on Tuesday
me: i know when i feel myself slipping into dark places...and most of the time it's nothing instant...it's a slow and slippery descent into self-pity, closing myself off to others, and a whole lot of negative thoughts in my mind...i know what my triggers are...i know what's dangerous for me and i've continued to go there...
Sent at 3:30 PM on Tuesday
me: i''m kinda tired of being sad all the damn time. to me it's a state of mind and one that i can overcome...most of it comes from being mindful of my thoughts and mindful of what i'm consuming on a daily basis.
Sent at 3:32 PM on Tuesday
me: the further i am away from God, the more i run...the worse my life gets...and that has been the cycle of my life.
Sent at 3:34 PM on Tuesday
me: and it's not in some super spiritual or super deep way....i'm human...i can never be perfect so i've stopped trying to do that...but i have to commune with Him...talk to Him...be close to Him...led by Him....everytim
Cynthia: i hear you.
and don't really disagree with anything that you've said.
and my toe analogy was not to disregard the role that all of the people that have been supportive of you in your life
OR
the role that you've had in contributing to your sadness and unhappiness
my job as your friend is to challenge you, help you be the best you, and help you seen options before you
and all that my point has ever been
was that there is an entire profession of people dedicated to being supportive of you becoming aware of and addressing behaviors
so if it's a challenge that you have repeatedly faced, consider it
you've considered
realized it's not for you
and i respect that. still my job to present the option. those are my 2.5 cents. which i shall refrain from given the conversation at hand
Sent at 3:41 PM on Tuesday
me: i've always respected you for challenging me, especially because i know you have my best interest at hand. i have considered it and i understand they have expertise in that area. i have not completely ruled it out. i simply choose not to utilize their services at this time.
Sent at 3:47 PM on Tuesday
Cynthia: i hear you. and it sounds like you have a game plan in place
Sent at 3:50 PM on Tuesday
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