i broke my fast.
i'm not sure if i even made two weeks. i think i was a few days before two weeks and i broke my fast. visions of cheesesteaks and chicken wings danced around in my head...over and over and over again. and i broke down.
i'm not even sure if i really tried to get back on it. i think mentally, i was done.
nevertheless, we keep on pushing through.
i just listened to Juanita Bynum's "No More Sheets" sermon. now, i've never really taken her seriously. i really had never head of her until the who scandal with her ex-husband. i think she's actually a prime example of how someone with an annointing can lose their effectiveness because of the work of the devil. i just so happened to be reading a co-worker's blog, (who btw is not really a Christian), and she posted a link to the sermon. as i began to listen to bynum's message on the spiritual baggage that we as women carry from the men with whom we've slept, i began to wonder "what baggage am i carrying with me?"
i'm coming to terms and peace with the fact that i am single. i have not been "single" for the better part of 8-9 years. since i was a junior in high school, i have been attached to someone else, in either a physical and/or emotional relationship. when i left one, i would run right into the arms of another one for solace and comfort, never truly learning how to be by myself. man, woman, sugardaddy, sex partner, "confidant", "buddy", "pal", "friend with benefits"....all bodies, fulfilling my fleshly desires, but none ever filling me the way i needed to be. no person ever satisfied the void left in my soul. it was left there becuse only God could fill it.
juanita made some very salient points. reflecting back, i realize that for some time, i've been obsessed with getting married. she said something that that really hit home...marriage is not for the individuals...it's not for a man to come in a rescue me from myself or my shortcomings...marriage is a ministry. wow. if i can't minister to myself, how could i possibly be a help mate to a husband and minister to him in his time of need? in the back of my mind, i (yes, MEEEEE) thought i could find a husband (more like catch/trap him) and have him marry me, despite of my blatant shortcomings, lack of love for myself, others, and God. he would come and save me from myself.....
but wait...there's only one who can save me from myself...and that is God.
my issues are so deep, i could write for hours...perhaps i'll start a series...just to get it all off my chest.
in the meantime, i am consecrating myself to God. i have to empty myself of my fleshly desires, including the "desire" to be married. because, i'm masking my fleshly desire as the desire to be holy. she said, "keep it real, you just want to have sex". now of course, paul said that it is better to be married than to sin, but theres obviously a great advantage to be single because my primary focus is on doing God's will without being fettered by the resonsibility of or committment to my husband or my children. right now, i have the opportunity to absoultely focus on God's will for my life and i am in the process of learning who i am.
and i concede, it's going to take some time. to truly consecrate myself and prepare myself for what God wants to do in my life, i've got to LET SOME STUFF GO. i have to allow God to do a perfect work in me....to crush me like grapes in order to become fine wine...to try and test me and my works through the fire....
Heavenly Father, even right now, as I learn to be by myself, i know that you are with me. For you promised never to leave me and never to forsake me. you said you would be with me when all others have left me. i know that you love me Lord and that your provide with grace and mercy, brand new, each and every single day. you love me Lord, and for your love, i am so grateful. you gave your son so that I might not only have life, but have life MORE ABUNDANTLY. to live in the flesh is not to live life abundantly. to live for earthly things, is not life at all. but God, i yearn to live a life for you. your will be done Lord God, not mine. and in this season of my life, as i begin to purify myself and empty myself of all things not like you, i pray that you would fill me with your Holy Spirit to be with me as a helper in my time of need. i am human, still in this body, but greater is He that is in me that is within the world. for you said be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by a renewing of your mind. Lord God, renew my mind. renew my thoughts. reset my compass so that i may walk in the direction that is pleasing to you and not to my own desires or to the desires of this world. Lord God, i thank you in advance for the work you're doing in my life. i thank you and i love you.
in Jesus' name i pray,
amen
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