unbelief is at the core of it all.

i'm dry and i know it.

i've been sitting here for the past 5 hours working on this photography business and i still feel like i'm at square one.

flat.

running on empty.

if i was a car, i'd probably be sputtering right now, trying to make it to my destination.

underneath it all is unbelief.

i'm dry.

i'm dry because i don't pray in tongues.

i don't pray in tongues because i'm scared.

i'm scared because i don't want to get too close.

i don't want to get too close because i'll have to change.

i'll have to change because holiness to be a submitted vessel of God.

to be a submitted vessel of God, i have to believe that He is.

certainly i'm not at the point where i don't believe in His existence.....

maybe all of the above are just excuses.

i find myself drawing back from challenges these days.

i get mad at myself for observing from the sidelines.

as i hopped in the car today, i thought about how my greatest fear as a child was to be insignificant.

now, i find that fear manifesting itself in ugly ways.  self esteem.  self-consciousness.  defensiveness.  neediness. clinginess.  yet always walking around with a mask on because i would never want anyone to know that i desire for them to recognize me.

and sometimes i feel little.  sometimes i feel slighted....

random ramblings...i know.

i  guess i don't believe like i say i do, huh?