i didn't realize how early it is.

it's really early.

thank God for the start of a brand new day.

YC

you never really realize how much you're like your parents....until....you start doing things...like your parents.

i'm taking this life day by day and asking God to help me along the way.

Romans 8:1
Romans 8:28

yup.

that's where i am right now.

unbelief is at the core of it all.

i'm dry and i know it.

i've been sitting here for the past 5 hours working on this photography business and i still feel like i'm at square one.

flat.

running on empty.

if i was a car, i'd probably be sputtering right now, trying to make it to my destination.

underneath it all is unbelief.

i'm dry.

i'm dry because i don't pray in tongues.

i don't pray in tongues because i'm scared.

i'm scared because i don't want to get too close.

i don't want to get too close because i'll have to change.

i'll have to change because holiness to be a submitted vessel of God.

to be a submitted vessel of God, i have to believe that He is.

certainly i'm not at the point where i don't believe in His existence.....

maybe all of the above are just excuses.

i find myself drawing back from challenges these days.

i get mad at myself for observing from the sidelines.

as i hopped in the car today, i thought about how my greatest fear as a child was to be insignificant.

now, i find that fear manifesting itself in ugly ways.  self esteem.  self-consciousness.  defensiveness.  neediness. clinginess.  yet always walking around with a mask on because i would never want anyone to know that i desire for them to recognize me.

and sometimes i feel little.  sometimes i feel slighted....

random ramblings...i know.

i  guess i don't believe like i say i do, huh?

i have never read this entire quote until today.

what perfect sense it makes in the context of what i'm experience right now.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder what did I get myself into....

Walk with Christ.
Marriage.
Job.
Being an adult.
The whole nine.
Guess it's too late to go and traverse the rural villages in tye hills of Peru like Marcas.
That ship has long sailed.

.........

All things work together....

twenty six years ago, today, i was born on a grey island somewhere across the atlantic.

today,  here i am all grown up but not finished growing.

my husband is upstairs taking a shower.

my clock is set for six a.m. to convene with my Maker.

the A.C. is humming quietly....

and i am at peace.

thank You Lord for all You have done.

Happy Birthday my sweet sweet sweet love.  i pray to spend countless more with you.

7/15/2013. new chapter after the new chapter.

three weeks ago, i married the love of my life.

the day before, we bought a house.

the day after our honeymoon, we moved into that house.

last wednesday, we purchased a car.

today, i begin a new job.

the past month has gone extremely....extremely quickly.  it's almost been like a whirlwind and i've been swooped up in it.  i think it's going to take some time for me to thoroughly process all that has transpired and where i am today.

i arrived this morning at 8:00.  i slept better than i expected.  i woke up this morning.....calm.  tossed a little when i laid back down after prayer.  stalled a little in the bathroom.

this is the appropriate place for me.  i know that.  all of the pieces fit together.  this opportunity landed on my door step and i would have been silly not to take advantage of it.  absolutely silly.  no more 6:30 a.m. arrivals at work....in the building till 6:30 p.m.

i'm assuming that my new boss is on her way.  she's coming back from vacation today.  the NST is....buzzing?  i was greeted by Rebecca Vincent from HR.  she outfitted me with my new IPhone4.  i was informed that a new fob and ID are on their way. i'd like to sign into my e-mail but apparently there are issues with that.  soon and very soon.

i came in and saw my picture on an information flyer advertising the benefits of working for mastery.  wow.  i remember the photoshoot i'd completed at the end of my first year.  my hair was braided in the small individuals and the rest flowed down to my shoulders.  a sign?  perhaps.  perhaps.

there's already work awaiting Erin's return on her desk.  items for her to sign.  calls for her to return.  there's alot.  i suspect i'll be put to work soon and very soon.  soon and very soon.

several months ago, i asked God for both a spiritual and professional mentor. i pray that our working relationship is healthy and genial and that i learn MUCH from her.  i've never been in this position before.  this is my third job since i graduated by my first position outside of teaching.  its new.  i know there will be a learning curve. so i suppose i'll be rolling.

i have accepted the challenge and so here i am.

i'm a NSTer.

i'm not entirely certin what that means right now, but once i figure it out, i'll let you know.

YC