i broke my fast.
i'm not sure if i even made two weeks. i think i was a few days before two weeks and i broke my fast. visions of cheesesteaks and chicken wings danced around in my head...over and over and over again. and i broke down.
i'm not even sure if i really tried to get back on it. i think mentally, i was done.
nevertheless, we keep on pushing through.
i just listened to Juanita Bynum's "No More Sheets" sermon. now, i've never really taken her seriously. i really had never head of her until the who scandal with her ex-husband. i think she's actually a prime example of how someone with an annointing can lose their effectiveness because of the work of the devil. i just so happened to be reading a co-worker's blog, (who btw is not really a Christian), and she posted a link to the sermon. as i began to listen to bynum's message on the spiritual baggage that we as women carry from the men with whom we've slept, i began to wonder "what baggage am i carrying with me?"
i'm coming to terms and peace with the fact that i am single. i have not been "single" for the better part of 8-9 years. since i was a junior in high school, i have been attached to someone else, in either a physical and/or emotional relationship. when i left one, i would run right into the arms of another one for solace and comfort, never truly learning how to be by myself. man, woman, sugardaddy, sex partner, "confidant", "buddy", "pal", "friend with benefits"....all bodies, fulfilling my fleshly desires, but none ever filling me the way i needed to be. no person ever satisfied the void left in my soul. it was left there becuse only God could fill it.
juanita made some very salient points. reflecting back, i realize that for some time, i've been obsessed with getting married. she said something that that really hit home...marriage is not for the individuals...it's not for a man to come in a rescue me from myself or my shortcomings...marriage is a ministry. wow. if i can't minister to myself, how could i possibly be a help mate to a husband and minister to him in his time of need? in the back of my mind, i (yes, MEEEEE) thought i could find a husband (more like catch/trap him) and have him marry me, despite of my blatant shortcomings, lack of love for myself, others, and God. he would come and save me from myself.....
but wait...there's only one who can save me from myself...and that is God.
my issues are so deep, i could write for hours...perhaps i'll start a series...just to get it all off my chest.
in the meantime, i am consecrating myself to God. i have to empty myself of my fleshly desires, including the "desire" to be married. because, i'm masking my fleshly desire as the desire to be holy. she said, "keep it real, you just want to have sex". now of course, paul said that it is better to be married than to sin, but theres obviously a great advantage to be single because my primary focus is on doing God's will without being fettered by the resonsibility of or committment to my husband or my children. right now, i have the opportunity to absoultely focus on God's will for my life and i am in the process of learning who i am.
and i concede, it's going to take some time. to truly consecrate myself and prepare myself for what God wants to do in my life, i've got to LET SOME STUFF GO. i have to allow God to do a perfect work in me....to crush me like grapes in order to become fine wine...to try and test me and my works through the fire....
Heavenly Father, even right now, as I learn to be by myself, i know that you are with me. For you promised never to leave me and never to forsake me. you said you would be with me when all others have left me. i know that you love me Lord and that your provide with grace and mercy, brand new, each and every single day. you love me Lord, and for your love, i am so grateful. you gave your son so that I might not only have life, but have life MORE ABUNDANTLY. to live in the flesh is not to live life abundantly. to live for earthly things, is not life at all. but God, i yearn to live a life for you. your will be done Lord God, not mine. and in this season of my life, as i begin to purify myself and empty myself of all things not like you, i pray that you would fill me with your Holy Spirit to be with me as a helper in my time of need. i am human, still in this body, but greater is He that is in me that is within the world. for you said be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by a renewing of your mind. Lord God, renew my mind. renew my thoughts. reset my compass so that i may walk in the direction that is pleasing to you and not to my own desires or to the desires of this world. Lord God, i thank you in advance for the work you're doing in my life. i thank you and i love you.
in Jesus' name i pray,
amen
30 January 2011
10 January 2011
Saviour, author of salvation
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save.
that song has certainly been on my mind all day, especially in light of this past weekend. God's saving power is tremendous. i can't even explain it. it fills me with such great joy to know that He actually has a plan for me and wants me to succeed, all so He can get the glory and others can be brought into the Kingdom of God.
Lord, allow me to be your servant. i submit myself to you so that you may use me for your purpose and for your glory. i open up my hands and raise my head to the sky. i want to be a vessel for Jesus Christ but first i must be emptied of all the things which i have allowed to fill me for so long. empty me of my hurt. empty me of my guilt. empty me of my quick temper. empty me of my pain. Lord empty me of the fear i have. The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall i fear? i should fear NOTHING or NO ONE because i have the lord to fight my battles. use me Lord. this is my solemn and honest prayer to you. i want you to use me for your glory. If God is for us, who can be against us? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Nothing shall separate me from the love of God and i'm so thankful that God sent His only son to redeem me. who else would make a such a sacrifice for the world, but God? for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosover would beleieve in Him would have everlasting life.
wow.
God use me. make me your instrument. mold me. teach me. guide me. bless me and bless me indeed so that i may be a blessing to others and allow others to know who your are.
my solemn prayer as i fast is for spiritual guidance and revelation. god reveal to me your PURPOSE for my life. without your vision and your call, i am left wandering aimlessly. i'm tired of wasting YOUR time and i want to get down to my father's business. therefore, i am asking you to send me wisdom and understanding concerning what it is you want me to do with my life.
secondly, i am asking for the faith and courage to do what you have called me to do. yesterday in church, the praise and worship team sang a song:
"there is more that i require of thee....."
if God told you what he REALLY wanted of you....would your soul still say yes? would your spirit still say yes? wow. i'm at that point where i'm willing to say yes for God and accept that He is the ruler of my life. i don't have to answer to any person for who I am in Christ because it's God who will judge the living and the dead.
God the final thing i am asking for is the power of your Holy Spirit to come upon me and transcend me to another realm of relationship and spirituality. i want to have an encounter with you Holy Spirit. i want you to come. i'm inviting you into my heart and i want you to show up and fall upon me. and when you come, never leave me. it's only by the Holy Spirit that i'll have the power to do all it is you've willed for me. so i pray that the Holy Spirit descend upon me and transform my heart.
when all is fails, there's always this blog. ahhhhh. i like writing.
YC
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save.
that song has certainly been on my mind all day, especially in light of this past weekend. God's saving power is tremendous. i can't even explain it. it fills me with such great joy to know that He actually has a plan for me and wants me to succeed, all so He can get the glory and others can be brought into the Kingdom of God.
Lord, allow me to be your servant. i submit myself to you so that you may use me for your purpose and for your glory. i open up my hands and raise my head to the sky. i want to be a vessel for Jesus Christ but first i must be emptied of all the things which i have allowed to fill me for so long. empty me of my hurt. empty me of my guilt. empty me of my quick temper. empty me of my pain. Lord empty me of the fear i have. The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall i fear? i should fear NOTHING or NO ONE because i have the lord to fight my battles. use me Lord. this is my solemn and honest prayer to you. i want you to use me for your glory. If God is for us, who can be against us? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Nothing shall separate me from the love of God and i'm so thankful that God sent His only son to redeem me. who else would make a such a sacrifice for the world, but God? for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosover would beleieve in Him would have everlasting life.
wow.
God use me. make me your instrument. mold me. teach me. guide me. bless me and bless me indeed so that i may be a blessing to others and allow others to know who your are.
my solemn prayer as i fast is for spiritual guidance and revelation. god reveal to me your PURPOSE for my life. without your vision and your call, i am left wandering aimlessly. i'm tired of wasting YOUR time and i want to get down to my father's business. therefore, i am asking you to send me wisdom and understanding concerning what it is you want me to do with my life.
secondly, i am asking for the faith and courage to do what you have called me to do. yesterday in church, the praise and worship team sang a song:
"there is more that i require of thee....."
if God told you what he REALLY wanted of you....would your soul still say yes? would your spirit still say yes? wow. i'm at that point where i'm willing to say yes for God and accept that He is the ruler of my life. i don't have to answer to any person for who I am in Christ because it's God who will judge the living and the dead.
God the final thing i am asking for is the power of your Holy Spirit to come upon me and transcend me to another realm of relationship and spirituality. i want to have an encounter with you Holy Spirit. i want you to come. i'm inviting you into my heart and i want you to show up and fall upon me. and when you come, never leave me. it's only by the Holy Spirit that i'll have the power to do all it is you've willed for me. so i pray that the Holy Spirit descend upon me and transform my heart.
when all is fails, there's always this blog. ahhhhh. i like writing.
YC
05 January 2011
Heavenly Wind?
i've kept a blog since November 2002. at that time, if i remember correctly, i was 15 years old and a junior at Elizabeth Seton High School in Bladensburg, Maryland. since then, i've graduated from high school, attended Washington and Lee University on a full-ride, and received my Masters of Education from the University of Pennsylvania.
all that I can say is that God has CERTAINLY been good to me during these past 8-9 years. actually He's been more than good to me for my entire life, especially when i didn't deserve it.
as the header says, i recevied Christ in late February 2007 upon returning back to W&L from the week-long president's break. i had spent it in Dallas with my mother and i remember particularly dreading spending a week with her. we've been separated by many miles for quite some time, and i enjoyed the comfort of the distance. distance meant not having to face our issues (read, my issues) with our relationship (perhaps we'll save that for a later blog).
anyway, my mother became a born-again Christian in 2002 during her recovery period from a stroke, induced by her post-pregnancy high blood pressure. since that time, she constantly tried to bring me into the fray, but something (probably the devil) constantly resisted her attempts. perhaps it was my inner-daughter which naturally rebels the good advice a mother gives (that is, until the advice turns out to be true, lol). i spent my week with her and was anxious to get back to w&l (haha, yes, that's how bad it was). however, God had other plans. it's funny how "all things work together for those... who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).
on 2 consecutive days, i couldn't get a flight out of DFW airport. the first day was due to some freak windstorm which grounded all plans flying that day. the earliest flight i could get was two days later. on the third day (check the numerical symbolism here), my mother drops me off at the airport. before i leave, she hands me a pamphlet about God which i took an absentmindedly stuck in my purse. once on the plane, i settled into my seat next to a black woman who looked to be in her late-30s. i quickly became bored and needed some reading material, so i pulled the leaflet out of my purse. i'm not too sure of the topic but i know it had something to do with...jesus.
woman: oh are you a Christian?
me: (clumsily) ummmm yes.
woman: oh wow. well now that you've said that, i'd like to tell you about....
and just like that, the woman sparked up a conversation about a telecommunications business to which she wanted to invite me. i'm not going to lie, i think i tuned out, but eventually we exchanged phone numbers and i thought nothing much of it.
about wednesday or thursday of that week, the woman called me during the evening, excited to provide more information about her business. somehow, we began speaking about my relationship with my mother and then eventually, my relationship with Christ. i told her i really wasn't born again and had no idea what that meant.
woman: all you have to do is believe in your heart and confess with your mouth.
me: really, that's it?
woman: yes, really that's it.
me: like...no doves....no wind...no hailstorms....no tongue-speaking and dramatic foolishness?
woman: nope.
then, the woman pointed me to the biblical reference: That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him fro the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation (Romans 10:9-10).
that was all it took and my life has never been the same. see, at that moment, a heavenly wind didn't descend, or the angel Gabrial didn't come perch at my bedside and try to holla at me in the middle of night. nothing like that. BUT, i do know that when i made that confession and truly believed that God was my personal Lord and savior, i accepted the salvation He so freely offered me. not only that, but God sent his Holy Spirit to dwell in me, guide me, and protect me so that I could do His will here on earth. God has been ordering my steps since my birth, but I KNOW He's been ordering them, especially after i accepted Him into my heart.
so today, January 5th, 2011, i sit some nearly 4 years later in awe of the perfection of God, His perfect plan and will for my life. and as i endure the present trials and tribulations, ups and downs, of my current life, i reflect that all things do work together for those who He has called. how was i to know that it would be an absolute stranger who God would use to usher me into His presence? his plan is so perfect that i suppose it really did take dramatic wind to get me to accept Him. hahahaha.
i'm thankful that He has kept me and called me. i am His and He is mine. even though I mess up, even thought it's hard sometimes, even though He slay me, yet and still i continue to have faith that all things are really working together for my good.
for that, i am certainly thankful.
God favors me.
amen.
all that I can say is that God has CERTAINLY been good to me during these past 8-9 years. actually He's been more than good to me for my entire life, especially when i didn't deserve it.
as the header says, i recevied Christ in late February 2007 upon returning back to W&L from the week-long president's break. i had spent it in Dallas with my mother and i remember particularly dreading spending a week with her. we've been separated by many miles for quite some time, and i enjoyed the comfort of the distance. distance meant not having to face our issues (read, my issues) with our relationship (perhaps we'll save that for a later blog).
anyway, my mother became a born-again Christian in 2002 during her recovery period from a stroke, induced by her post-pregnancy high blood pressure. since that time, she constantly tried to bring me into the fray, but something (probably the devil) constantly resisted her attempts. perhaps it was my inner-daughter which naturally rebels the good advice a mother gives (that is, until the advice turns out to be true, lol). i spent my week with her and was anxious to get back to w&l (haha, yes, that's how bad it was). however, God had other plans. it's funny how "all things work together for those... who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).
on 2 consecutive days, i couldn't get a flight out of DFW airport. the first day was due to some freak windstorm which grounded all plans flying that day. the earliest flight i could get was two days later. on the third day (check the numerical symbolism here), my mother drops me off at the airport. before i leave, she hands me a pamphlet about God which i took an absentmindedly stuck in my purse. once on the plane, i settled into my seat next to a black woman who looked to be in her late-30s. i quickly became bored and needed some reading material, so i pulled the leaflet out of my purse. i'm not too sure of the topic but i know it had something to do with...jesus.
woman: oh are you a Christian?
me: (clumsily) ummmm yes.
woman: oh wow. well now that you've said that, i'd like to tell you about....
and just like that, the woman sparked up a conversation about a telecommunications business to which she wanted to invite me. i'm not going to lie, i think i tuned out, but eventually we exchanged phone numbers and i thought nothing much of it.
about wednesday or thursday of that week, the woman called me during the evening, excited to provide more information about her business. somehow, we began speaking about my relationship with my mother and then eventually, my relationship with Christ. i told her i really wasn't born again and had no idea what that meant.
woman: all you have to do is believe in your heart and confess with your mouth.
me: really, that's it?
woman: yes, really that's it.
me: like...no doves....no wind...no hailstorms....no tongue-speaking and dramatic foolishness?
woman: nope.
then, the woman pointed me to the biblical reference: That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him fro the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation (Romans 10:9-10).
that was all it took and my life has never been the same. see, at that moment, a heavenly wind didn't descend, or the angel Gabrial didn't come perch at my bedside and try to holla at me in the middle of night. nothing like that. BUT, i do know that when i made that confession and truly believed that God was my personal Lord and savior, i accepted the salvation He so freely offered me. not only that, but God sent his Holy Spirit to dwell in me, guide me, and protect me so that I could do His will here on earth. God has been ordering my steps since my birth, but I KNOW He's been ordering them, especially after i accepted Him into my heart.
so today, January 5th, 2011, i sit some nearly 4 years later in awe of the perfection of God, His perfect plan and will for my life. and as i endure the present trials and tribulations, ups and downs, of my current life, i reflect that all things do work together for those who He has called. how was i to know that it would be an absolute stranger who God would use to usher me into His presence? his plan is so perfect that i suppose it really did take dramatic wind to get me to accept Him. hahahaha.
i'm thankful that He has kept me and called me. i am His and He is mine. even though I mess up, even thought it's hard sometimes, even though He slay me, yet and still i continue to have faith that all things are really working together for my good.
for that, i am certainly thankful.
God favors me.
amen.
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