makes you wanna bob your head...and it's so true!

not quite a tribute....but i can sooooo relate to this song!

seven steps forward....eight steps back....

every time i try to move forward...it always seems i don't have the power to keep my stride....i allow something to come and trip me up.

i'm tired of this.

i'm so damn tired of this.

sometimes man....

shit.

this confusing salvation.

faith....

faith to do what exactly?

i'm clearly lacking knowledge and understanding...

have my eyes been blinded that badly that i can't see ANYTHING?

i need some time to get myself together.

what the hell is wrong with me?

gumbo love...a little bit of this...a little bit of that.

it's mardi gras! laissez les bon temps rouler! in honor of fat tuesday, i've decided to make some good old gumbo. the more i sit here and wait (somewhat patiently) for this pot to finish (one hour to go...and it's already been going for one hour), the more i realize that our love is like gumbo.

can't rush it. it takes time. but when it's finished...it's perfection and sooooooooooo GOOD!

my gumbo is on the stove simmering.

a little bit of this...a little bit of that.

gumbo is a slow labor of love that REALLY takes time to develop. first you start with your roux. a roux is a thickening agent comprised of two simple ingredients: oil and flour. seems simple, right? heat the flour and the oil to thicken it. WRONG. in order to get that dark color gumbo, you've got to make sure you continually stir the roux for 30-45 minutes, making sure not to let any of the flour burn or stick to the bottom of the pan. once it burns, it's absolutely over and you have to start again from scratch. the roux is the foundation of the gumbo. without the roux, the gumbo really isn't gumbo...it's just soup. there's nothing extraordinarily special about it at all. but the roux takes patience....the roux is the first step in the labor of love that is gumbo.

in my pot right now are at least 10 different spices, chicken stock, chopped onions (green and yellow), a bell pepper, corn, okra, celery, and garlic, one pound of spicy andouille sausage, corn, turkey necks, and shrimp. a random assortment of really fresh and really good ingredients. all good separately...but even greater when combined and simmered over time.

turkey necks...the refuse...usually the thrown away part of the turkey...the neglected bits. funny how when combined with something like fresh andouille sausage (fancy, huh) the turkey necks become one of the best parts of the gumbo.

our love is like gumbo. patiently stirring the roux until it's finished. oil and flour calmly combine until it's just right. allowing God to stir us until he's finished. He knows exactly when to take us off...makes sure we don't burn (literally)...won't leave us or neglect us at the stove...but watches over us carefully and decides when we're done. then add the ingredients...corn, sausage, okra...the Word, the fellowship, the encouragement, sometimes the chastisement, the still steady voice of the Holy Spirit. but the gumbo's not done yet...needs a while to REALLY get it to where it needs to be. yes...it's going to take time, but if you rushed it...it wouldn't be finger licking good. sure, it would be OK...but the turkey necks wouldn't be tender...flavors wouldn't be combined just right.

so God hovers over the pot we call love and adds a bit of this...a bit of that....to make it just right. He can take anything and make it good. he put us together and seasoned us just right. took our refuse....made it delicious. took the parts of us we could not accept and used them anyway.

i'm thankful for our God.

i'm thankful for this gumbo love.

the enemy only comes to steal, kill, and destroy.....

smh.

i was walking in such victory last week....

five steps forward....

but i can't slide back....

yup.

23 hours and 52 minutes to go...

i know there MUST be a God.

i've gone over six days without eating one morsel of food.

oh yes, jesus is real. lol.

i say that jokingly...but seriously too. God is real and He's been doing some amazing things in my life during these days. fasting was just what i needed to cleanse my spirit, my mind, and my heart of many things. i know that God is preparing me for greatness...so this is really the first step of showing my dedication to Him.

i thank Him for his grace to get through this with a smile on my face.

i count it ALL joy....

few more hours to go.

i'm shifting up, breaking through, enlarging my territory...and claiming what's mine in the name of Jesus.

praise Him!

my funny valentine

i think the final line says it all.

God...there are just some things that i don't understand....

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.--Song of Solomon

an oak of righteousness....

these are my love letters God.

these are my love letters to you.

⁵ For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54:5

wednesday evening, Bishop began speaking about seed and a man's need to give his seed. man has seed but that seed is nothing without ground into which it can be sown and multiplied. therefore, a man takes a wife to sow his seed and to reap a harvest. a woman will reproduce any seed a man places inside of her. perhaps that is a testament to not only the strength and power of a woman, but also to the fact that a man needs a woman if he is to manifest anything here on this earth. if he sows bad seed into her, she will reproduce it and vice versa. if he sows good seed into her, she will in turn reproduce that good seed.

bishop has been speaking out of the book of hebrews and now we have turned to this prophetic verse in isaiah where the prophet is speaking to the children of israel who are at the end of a period of exile. the prophet is telling the children of exile to sing as if they were a barren woman who is now with child. he exhorts them to break forth on the right and on the left and enlarge their tents. one verse says to "stretch your curtains wide". i've read the chapter over several times and each time, there's a line that catches my attention...the one mentioned above. of course, this verse is prophetic when it comes to Christ, who considered the church to be his bride. yet i just love how the word is so rich, it can apply itself to any situation.

ronald and i are not married yet. he is not my husband. some days, we jokingly laugh about this, especially when he asks me to do things i'd rather not do (i.e. wash a nasty sink full of dishes...lol)....but in all seriousness, we are not married. as much as we long for each other. as much as we want to be in each other's presence. as much as i want him to hold me each night in his arms and make love to me until my body can't take it anymore...as much as i yearn to call him my husband and freely express every part of my love for him....

he is not my husband. and they Holy Spirit has really been checking me on that lately. i mean REALLY.

a couple of weeks ago, i wound up at his house late. cooked for him....KNEW i should have left and wound up falling back into that pattern of sin and repentance. there was more than enough time for me to leave his apartment....and yet i stayed because my body wanted to be held. my body, my flesh, my desires took control when there was clearly another choice i could have made. the Bible says

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

sin is not too much to bear. i haven't yet resisted sin to the point of shedding blood. God, i love that man so much...but i love him because i love You. i'm tired of disappointing you. i'm not perfect, BUT i do know that i love YOU and hope that YOU are please with my development.

ronald is not my husband.

yesterday, i dropped food off again and i initially intended to stay for a while, do some work, and go home. as i was getting dressed and ready to leave, i picked up my laptop and the Holy Spirit said, "No." even when i pulled up in front of his apartment, i reasoned with myself..."Oh he can just sit in my car for a couple of minutes"....

the Holy Spirit said "No".

he kissed me on my lips yesterday and i felt the electricity that's always there....so today, when i saw him, i offered him my cheek, making sure not to get too close....not to stir up passion before it's time. i'm vowing to do everything in my effort to keep that door closed.

the man fasted for 7 days. no food. that's serious. oh....there is no going back after that. he's shifted, and now, so have i. there's a new level of responsibility and stewardship over this love and this relationship that God has allowed us to have with one another. gone are the days of recklessness and carelessness. we have to be the examples of Christ and of godly courtship.

and in terms of seed....i wholeheartedly receive God's seed for He is my husband. He is preparing me for the things He needs me to do. He is sowing seed in me so that i will reproduce Christ's image and likeness in my words, my thoughts, and in my deeds. that His seeds will grow into a manifestation of the glory and the power of God. He is preparing me for my husband who, when we become one flesh, will plant Godly seeds of his spirit in me which i will also reproduce.

there is a time for planting and there is a time for reaping. in this season, God is doing the sowing....and since i'm allowing God to do that in me, i will nurture what He gives me with everything i have in me. i will allow my Bishop, First Lady, and the leaders of my church to nurture and water those seeds. i will allow the Holy Spirit to fertilize those seeds day and night by keeping myself in the love of God and praying in the Holy Ghost.

My maker is my husband...and i seek to be intimate with Him first. this is a part of the preparation i need to be a godly wife to ronald. before i can truly be intimate with him, i must seek to be intimate with Him.

YC

8:52....correction 8:53 p.m.

just sitting here marveling at the little things God does. He's so awesome. my joy and my peace.....

i have a smile on my face despite the foolishness of the day.

i broke my work laptop and lost about 7 months work of lessons, plans, powerpoints, and worksheets, not to mention miscellaneous files.

after it dropped, i had this most serene feeling come over me.

peace that passeth all understanding.

the children were out of control today....absolutely.

and yet....i didn't yell.

the peace that passeth all understanding.

no fuss. no worries. at the end of the day, i sowed into a couple of students lives. one student who doesn't even have me said "you look like a nice person. i wish i had you".

when the enemy comes in like a flood the Lord will lift up a standard....

i thank God.

God is moving! every sunday and wednesday when i hear bishop preach, i just know there's something breaking in the atmosphere. God is using that man to speak to his church. He's preaching the kingdom...not that it has come but that's it's HERE. the kingdom is inside of us and needs us to allow it to dwell in us so it can breakthrough. God is moving and He's moving quickly. the changes i see in Ron are phenomenal. His whole countenance has changed. someone who i never really considered seriously is now walking confidently in his manhood and upright with assurance because His trust is resting in God. i am stunned and amazed and proud and overwhelmed all at once. WOW. this is the perfect man for me....and i KNOW this can only be God.

Bishop spoke yesterday about what he had to do as a husband. the man has the seed but the only way he can reproduce anything is by sowing into his wife. wow. and not just in the natural....but spiritually.

sigh....just some random musings....

i'm excited about what God is doing in my life.

.......