boom.

i want to spend some serious time before 2013 and sit in silence.

listen from God.

write down my goals.

next year will be one of the busiest and most fulfilling years of my life.

i'll be getting married to the love of my life.

planning a wedding.

moderating two extra curricular activities.

becoming an "advanced" teacher.

writing a section of a charter school application for spring 2013 submission.

planning and fundraising for 100 people to take a trip to new york city.

we will purchase our first home.

oh yea...and then there's the photography business that i'd like to jump start.

so.

it's clearly not by my might, nor by my power, but by Your Holy Spirit.

Lord, help me to forge ahead and ENJOY the life that you're establishing for me.

grant me the strength and the wisdom to know what to do and when to do it.

whew.

less than one year until we are married.

christmas is tomorrow.

it's snowing in D.C.

we're driving home tonight.

let me go and take a nap.

good morrow.

YC

woke up this morning...

went back to sleep and dreamed of death.

a funeral in my classroom for a girl....more like a viewing for the body....i don't know who the girl was...i don't teach her...i don't even think she goes to my school....she was in the casket and i think there were other family members around...

i stood my place in line to view the body....

i touched her head....more commotion....eventually it was me and another person in the classroom and the girl woke up as if she had just been sleeping.

but when i woke up, i remembered that in the dream, i'd seen my brother Tungie lying in a casket as well.

and i began to pray.

i've been so tired.  i haven't been pushing.

i feel like the enemy is aiming bullets at me.  since He can't have me, He's taking out the things around me.

yesterday, two students got into a fight.  one of them, Diamond, is not a student whom you would expect to be mixed up in that type of foolishness.  her mother is one of the most active members on the Parent's Association Executive Committee.  she holds two positions.  treasurer and 10th grade representative.  apparently, the fight was so brutal that our principal had to call a meeting of the staff at the end of the day to address it.  the two girls were so sound up, they would up assaulting the staff member who tried to step in the middle and break up the fight.

my uncle....

the devil is aiming darts...

my stomach....

my mind and the impure thoughts of lust and fornication trying to take over...

the overall fatigue....

and of course attack my faith....

but today, in the name of Jesus I put on the whole armor. 

reset button.

reset button.

lets try this again.  this time, with a clean heart that You have given me and with the power of Your Holy Spirit.

YC

you don't write.

and i don't think that's fair.

oh yea.  there is a wedding that's taking place in less than six months.

Lord, Jesus.

help.

and these are the final days of fall...

it's not even winter yet...not until the 21st of december.  it is currently the 6th.

do i see the light at the end of the tunnel?  not really?  not yet, at least. but i'll keep walking forward because even though i don't see it, i know that it is there and it will manifest itself soon enough.  just gotta keep up this pace.

because there are nights when i just want to lay down and hold him.  lay down and be held...and be rocked to sleep...and nestle myself in warm, milky dreams that are concentrated in and contrived from the purest forms of sweet ecstasy.

and to say that i didn't feel this way would be a lie.  and i don't really like to do that.  so i'll acknowledge it for what it is....a fact.

and i am still a human....and i am still a woman...and i am still 25.  and i am still living my life in this body....

these are facts.  but then there's truth.

but i know that i (my flesh) must die so that the power of the resurrection of Jesus Christ can dwell and live in me.

so to say i don't feel it would be a lie.  but i will not succumb.  for the devil comes only to seek, kill and destroy. 

so today...even right now...simply...

i choose life.

and things are different a year ago then they were under a year and ten days ago today...and i hope to say the same about next year...and the year after next.

stagnation is not my cup of tea.

thank you Jesus for forward movement.

Selah.

Sometimes I sit and wonder how I got so lucky. Lord you really do love me.

two conference calls...

times like these when i have to remember that resistance is my friend....resistance is my friend.....resistance is my friend.....if i would have given into the resistance i felt in may 2011, the parents association would not be where it is today...

so i know that this sudden spirit of fear has come upon me to torment me....fear hath torment, but i have to remember that perfect love casts out ALL fear.

God, you didn't give me the spirit of fear, but of love, power and of a sound mind...

i have peace of mind in Jesus' name.

amen.

Ugh.