my brother is 11.  i look at the way he clings to my mother.  in many ways, he's a mother's boy.  i can't blame him or her however....they have each other and they have God.  i know that God will make up the difference for the lack of strong male presence in his life.

i don't remember being that attached to my mother.  not at 11 anyway....maybe at five or six....i remember there being a gradual pulling away and then there was really no connection at all...an artificial one....a space there....

really a space between me and both of my parents...

i kind of just....grew up.  thank God that He was leading me and guiding me along the way because i was vulnerable to ALOT.  i'm thankful that the situations i did find myself in didn't completely do me in.

because at 11, i was at home by myself in the evenings....my father worked all day long...we were sleeping on the roach infested floor of an apartment that was down the street from our house....

at 10 i stopped being a child....i didn't have time to cling to other people...because people needed to cling to me...and so i developed my stolid exterior...and my togetherness...and my very adult-like nature even in with the body of a child....and no one was there to teach this adult-like girl how to be a woman...and so i stumbled and fumbled my way through....trying to look like i had it all together.

so when i see my brother clinging to my mother...i don't really feel jealousy.  i know he'll grow up to be fine.  i just realize that even though we come from the same womb...we walk different paths.  mine has shaped me into the person i am today....and i'm ok with that.

and i don't really know if i'll ever be physically close with my mother.  that's ok too.  i honor her.  i am thankful for her.  we can have conversations and laugh.  she is the woman who bore me and gave me life.

the healing will manifest itself in my relationship with my daughter.  because i will be a mother unto her and she won't have to endure what i did.  i'll teach her how to be a woman.  i'll show her how to be strong by my example.

redemption will be complete.

amen.