twenty six years ago, today, i was born on a grey island somewhere across the atlantic.

today,  here i am all grown up but not finished growing.

my husband is upstairs taking a shower.

my clock is set for six a.m. to convene with my Maker.

the A.C. is humming quietly....

and i am at peace.

thank You Lord for all You have done.

Happy Birthday my sweet sweet sweet love.  i pray to spend countless more with you.

7/15/2013. new chapter after the new chapter.

three weeks ago, i married the love of my life.

the day before, we bought a house.

the day after our honeymoon, we moved into that house.

last wednesday, we purchased a car.

today, i begin a new job.

the past month has gone extremely....extremely quickly.  it's almost been like a whirlwind and i've been swooped up in it.  i think it's going to take some time for me to thoroughly process all that has transpired and where i am today.

i arrived this morning at 8:00.  i slept better than i expected.  i woke up this morning.....calm.  tossed a little when i laid back down after prayer.  stalled a little in the bathroom.

this is the appropriate place for me.  i know that.  all of the pieces fit together.  this opportunity landed on my door step and i would have been silly not to take advantage of it.  absolutely silly.  no more 6:30 a.m. arrivals at work....in the building till 6:30 p.m.

i'm assuming that my new boss is on her way.  she's coming back from vacation today.  the NST is....buzzing?  i was greeted by Rebecca Vincent from HR.  she outfitted me with my new IPhone4.  i was informed that a new fob and ID are on their way. i'd like to sign into my e-mail but apparently there are issues with that.  soon and very soon.

i came in and saw my picture on an information flyer advertising the benefits of working for mastery.  wow.  i remember the photoshoot i'd completed at the end of my first year.  my hair was braided in the small individuals and the rest flowed down to my shoulders.  a sign?  perhaps.  perhaps.

there's already work awaiting Erin's return on her desk.  items for her to sign.  calls for her to return.  there's alot.  i suspect i'll be put to work soon and very soon.  soon and very soon.

several months ago, i asked God for both a spiritual and professional mentor. i pray that our working relationship is healthy and genial and that i learn MUCH from her.  i've never been in this position before.  this is my third job since i graduated by my first position outside of teaching.  its new.  i know there will be a learning curve. so i suppose i'll be rolling.

i have accepted the challenge and so here i am.

i'm a NSTer.

i'm not entirely certin what that means right now, but once i figure it out, i'll let you know.

YC

creative juices...

running dry right now.

need a muse.

Calm night. 20th and sansom. I'm almost 26.

I just got married.
I just purchased a home.
I just got a new job.

But what does it all really mean?

Tonight....feeling a bit disillusoned....not that's not the right word. More like...bloated....not physically but more like a sense of false satisfaction when ur still empty inside.  Like there's still more that u haven't tapped into. This isn't the American dream. I don't even think my dream is in America.

But I'm not supposed to feel like this, right?

I want to reinvent myself...but how does one shed the old when they don't even know what the old is? It seems as if life is happening to me and I'm being carries by the tides. Where is my agency? Or was that an illusion too?

Am i a bad Christian to admit that last month's circunstances left me with a bad taste in my mouth...a bewilderment that I'm having difficulty shaking?  I dare not say the things I think about but then again, God already knows my heart right? I'd be marked as ungrateful.

And they'd say I need more Jesus. Am I overthinking you God? Why can some people flow so freely in you and I'm so stunted? They'd say it was a spirit. Maybe I don't believe like they do. Maybe. This is an interesting crossroads to be at.

Being pushed. Not wanting to go back. Never quite sure what is in front of me. Not liking where I am currently. But then I don't want to look back and realize that I didn't enjoy what was, when it was. For there's a season for everything. This season is uncomfortable to say the least.

Enough of my ramblings.  I'm going to buy a coke and walk through the park.

i have been dreaming about our photographer for the past few nights.  much of the content is unclear....last night, another photographer from the D.C. area who i follow was more prominent in the dream. she just kept making mention of the other photographer.

and of course, this morning, when i wake up....there's an e-mail invoice from her asking for the remaining balance of nearly $3500.  we signed the contract and believed God that the need would be met by the time of the wedding.  technically, the need for a photographer and videographer was met (we had numerous friends and family who provided the service at the wedding for free), BUT at the time, we did not have the $3,500 to pay them.

they yelled and screamed and were frustrated.  the night before the wedding, i hung up the phone because they were yelling and screaming and frustrated in my ear.

so now they want their money and rightfully so because we signed the contract.

God, we stepped out on faith.

we will pay them.  we will pay them.  this too shall pass.

life is hard, but God is good.

YC

and sometimes things don't turn out the way we want.  but they they turn out the way they should.

i wanted to post a blog about my fears, frustrations, desires, blah, blah, blah...all of the anxieties i have in the first few weeks of marriage.

Lord help me.

but then, i watched the montage of our wedding and looked at some pictures.

we're stronger together than we were apart.  so whatever it is....we're bigger than that and we will make it.

"you proved my fantasy of love could really be...."