Calm night. 20th and sansom. I'm almost 26.

I just got married.
I just purchased a home.
I just got a new job.

But what does it all really mean?

Tonight....feeling a bit disillusoned....not that's not the right word. More like...bloated....not physically but more like a sense of false satisfaction when ur still empty inside.  Like there's still more that u haven't tapped into. This isn't the American dream. I don't even think my dream is in America.

But I'm not supposed to feel like this, right?

I want to reinvent myself...but how does one shed the old when they don't even know what the old is? It seems as if life is happening to me and I'm being carries by the tides. Where is my agency? Or was that an illusion too?

Am i a bad Christian to admit that last month's circunstances left me with a bad taste in my mouth...a bewilderment that I'm having difficulty shaking?  I dare not say the things I think about but then again, God already knows my heart right? I'd be marked as ungrateful.

And they'd say I need more Jesus. Am I overthinking you God? Why can some people flow so freely in you and I'm so stunted? They'd say it was a spirit. Maybe I don't believe like they do. Maybe. This is an interesting crossroads to be at.

Being pushed. Not wanting to go back. Never quite sure what is in front of me. Not liking where I am currently. But then I don't want to look back and realize that I didn't enjoy what was, when it was. For there's a season for everything. This season is uncomfortable to say the least.

Enough of my ramblings.  I'm going to buy a coke and walk through the park.