right now, i am full of fear.

full of it.

and pride.

and anger.

and pissivity (is that a word?  ok, i know it's not a word...)

and vulnerability.

and restlessness.

and an immense feeling to just walk away and not deal with any of this.

and i am really, really fatigued from all of the thoughts going on in my mind.

being married doesn't suck.  i actually like it alot.

it's just a level of vulnerability and exposure that i've never had to deal with.  yes, i keep most people at a distance because i'd rather them not see how fucked up i really am on the inside.  even those who are closest to me (i.e. cynthia) tread lightly when it comes to talking to me about my "issues".  but maybe that's always been the problem.  people treading lightly with me.  or maybe it's me putting up major defenses so no one really knows how to break down my walls.

i don't want to share and i am super selfish and that makes me a bad person i suppose. meehhhhh.  i know i know.  it is more blessed to give than to receive right?  but i guess sharing was implied in the marriage vows.  and now i don't have a choice.  well...actually i do.  i guess it's my resistance that's making all of this so difficult.  so why does it feel like i have no choice or agency?  or whatever slivers of it remain are slowly slipping through my hands as time goes by.  didn't i spend the last 10 years of my life to get here only to just give it all up? $40,000 worth of worthless debt.  college.  masters.  climbing a ladder to....nowhere?

to be a mother who pushes around her kid's stroller all day and watches them swing in the park.  for real...if i woulda known He was setting me up for that...UPENN coulda kept their lackluster education and i could be spending nearly $300 a month on....i dunno...savings for this here baby that's on the way.

but if i say i'm angry with God then that makes me a bad person.  why am i not grateful?  why am i not thankful?  on the outside looking in everyone says that i am blessed.  so why do i feel like crap?  

God....God....God....God....God.....

You said You would show me the things i would have to suffer.....

i don't even know what or who you want me to be....i thought i had it all figured out....

now i feel like i'm back to square one.....

and i don't quite like this feeling.  actually i don't like it at all.  

i suppose there will be glory after this....

the road to glory is not sexy at all.

not at all.

headache on a hundred thousand trillion.

iron pill anyone?

I think I can hear myself breaking inside....

I suppose it's a good thing....

I don't want to be around people much lately....

No, don't ask me how I'm feeling because "like shit" might just be my response.

I am angry.  I am disappointed.  I am fearful.

And no, I don't want a Bible verse right now.

And yes, I know Jesus is the answer for the world today.

And I still want to be selfish. And I still want to travel the world.  And I still want to have my own money with my own bank account and not have to worry about how my bills and debt are going to be paid.

And yes, that's probably why this is so hard.  Because I'm stubborn as hell.

And yes,  this pregnancy is right on time because there is no other way He can get out of me what He wants if I don't do this....right now.

Le sigh.

Bro-ken.

Bro-ken.

it's hard to believe that last month it was snowing....

seasons come and seasons go.

as it is in the natural, so it is in the spiritual.

and last year i was in a different season that i am in now...and in october, i will be in a different season...

did not God tell me that He was going to show me what i would have to suffer for His namesake...

i am reminded of that prophecy today as i try rest rather than wrestle.

because even in winter, God is preparing us for spring....and something is growing...

there is seed time...and there is harvest time.

Mornings like this
I wish
I could drive off
Into oblivion

ojfbswfojamwfjkfleajs fslbinvlsvbsoe'vflnesvjsbd usbfo'ejsk bdevuowi'ebfb/euowf

that's pretty much an accurate representation of my innards right now.