But you beloved....

In 2 months I'll be 27.  Whoa.

Can I tell you a secret.  I have stopped dreaming.  Literally and figuratively.  There's an erie stillness to my psyche these days.  I can stare off into space for hours and not be moved.  I'm not sure that I like it.  I'm not sure what it is.  Perhaps fear?  Yes.  Maybe that's what it is.  Perhaps uncertainty about what God wants me to do with this life.

My vision book is lodged somewhere underneath the crap in my trunk and it's been there for a couple of months now.  Everything I wrote down for 2014 has somehow stalled.

Yes.  I got scared.  I see myself as a grasshopper.  As a pretender and not capable of doing the things I say I want to do.  I use so many excuses.  I run away from challenge and change.  I freeze. I cut good people off.  I withdraw.  And I am still unsatisfied.

I am scared that if it doesn't work I would have wasted all my time and energy.
I am scared that if it doesn't work that I'll have no one to blame but myself and I'll wallow in an endless cycle of self pity.
I am scared that no one will like what I have to produce.
I am scared of taken the uncharted path.
I am scared to step out on faith because mine right now is so little, so frail, so small.

I can't have small faith and big dreams.  The two don't go together.

But you beloved, building yourself up on your most holy faith, keep yourself in the love of God by praying in the Holy Ghost.

And The Lord said to Joshua, Fear not,  for I am with thee.

I've got to grab hold to something substantive or this will be me forever.

0_o

all in all...

today was a good day.

the officeeeeee...

*blinks eyes repeatedly*

i'm going iiiiiinnnnnn...i'm going iinnnnnnnn.....i'm going iiiiiinnnnnn....i'm going iiiiinnnnnnn

and imma go hard.

le sigh.

i wake up each morning.

but i'm not quite sure what my purpose is.

i haven't found that thing that makes me excited to get up and go.

i surely don't want to be 30 or 50 still wondering what that thing is.

so God....why exactly did you put me on this earth?

i really want to know.  i'd like to start pursuing it sooner than later?  or....will it begin pursuing me?  

help.

love,

your child,

Yvonne

"fret not theyself...."

i just noticed the name of this blog is "The Rebirth".

i shared with my husband last night that this is the first time in my life that i don't really know what i'm doing.  everything that i thought i was is about to be dismantled.  the titles.  the degrees. the career.  the job.

i am a self-made woman.

not it's time for God to really show me who i am.

the possibilities are limitless.

this morning i prayed about my future after the birth of our child.

and God said to me....

you will be still and know that I am God.

still

¹still

 adjective \ˈstil\

: not moving

: lacking motion or activity

photography —used to describe an ordinary photograph that does not show movement as compared to a movie

Full Definition of STILL

1

a :  devoid of or abstaining from motion

b archaic :  sedentary

c :  not effervescent <still wine>

d (1) :  of, relating to, or being a static photograph as contrasted with a motion picture (2) :  designed for taking still photographs <a still camera> (3) :  engaged in taking still photographs <a still photographer>

2

a :  uttering no sound :  quiet

b :  subdued, muted

3

a :  calm, tranquil

b :  free from noise or turbulence

know

¹know

 verb \ˈnō\

: to have (information of some kind) in your mind

: to understand (something) : to have a clear and complete idea of (something)

: to have learned (something, as a skill or a language)

knew  known  know·ing

Full Definition of KNOW

transitive verb

1

a (1) :  to perceive directly :  have direct cognition of (2) :  to have understanding of <importance of knowing oneself>(3) :  to recognize the nature of :  discern

b (1) :  to recognize as being the same as something previously known (2) :  to be acquainted or familiar with (3) :  to have experience of

2

a :  to be aware of the truth or factuality of :  be convinced or certain of

b :  to have a practical understanding of <knows how to write>

because my husband is amazing...

that is all.