But you beloved....

In 2 months I'll be 27.  Whoa.

Can I tell you a secret.  I have stopped dreaming.  Literally and figuratively.  There's an erie stillness to my psyche these days.  I can stare off into space for hours and not be moved.  I'm not sure that I like it.  I'm not sure what it is.  Perhaps fear?  Yes.  Maybe that's what it is.  Perhaps uncertainty about what God wants me to do with this life.

My vision book is lodged somewhere underneath the crap in my trunk and it's been there for a couple of months now.  Everything I wrote down for 2014 has somehow stalled.

Yes.  I got scared.  I see myself as a grasshopper.  As a pretender and not capable of doing the things I say I want to do.  I use so many excuses.  I run away from challenge and change.  I freeze. I cut good people off.  I withdraw.  And I am still unsatisfied.

I am scared that if it doesn't work I would have wasted all my time and energy.
I am scared that if it doesn't work that I'll have no one to blame but myself and I'll wallow in an endless cycle of self pity.
I am scared that no one will like what I have to produce.
I am scared of taken the uncharted path.
I am scared to step out on faith because mine right now is so little, so frail, so small.

I can't have small faith and big dreams.  The two don't go together.

But you beloved, building yourself up on your most holy faith, keep yourself in the love of God by praying in the Holy Ghost.

And The Lord said to Joshua, Fear not,  for I am with thee.

I've got to grab hold to something substantive or this will be me forever.

0_o