So I just joined this group called TNDistrict, an online interface run by Travel Noire, a platform for black folks who want to travel around the world and support each other doing it.

The interface allows you to, among other things, connect with other travelers and access glitch fare deals (i.e. $300 round trip fares to Abu Dhabi...because I'm about that liiiiiife!).  Not sure how much i can take advantage of it within the next year but at least I'll have access to the platform and maybe me and Ron can catch something quick.

Yesterday, I asked God to allow us to travel the world and to send us some traveling companions.  We shall see.  It's a desire of my heart to travel and enjoy different cultures and different people.  I found myself lately getting jealous that my single or newly married friends (no babies) had the freedom to do such things.  No bueno.  So I just prayed about it and gave that to God.  All things in due time.

Counting my blessings.
One by one.

That's alot of counting.

A little while back, my Bishop asked me how I was doing.  I shared with him my concerns about being a new mother, leaving my career behind, starting a business, and my hesitance about what God was doing in my life.

He said to me:

"Daughter.  Enjoy your life.  God is making your life beautiful right now.  Just enjoy this time."

So that is what I shall do.  That is what I am doing.

Goodnight.

What if, just what if I allowed Jesus to REALLY be the center of it all?

My life.
My heart.
My mind.
My relationships.
My wifehood.
My motherhood.
My servanthood.
My business decisions.
My everything.

And not in some crazy uber religious churchy way with random rules and regulations.  No. Not the traditional way everyone thinks of when they think of someone sold out to Jesus.  I'm talking about what if I allowed Jesus Christ to be at the center of it ALL IN MY LIFE?

"What would I look like, sound like, act like, if you  stopped being the center of my own world?"

Oooops.  Because as I keep waking up in the weeeee morning hours and asking God, "What do you see when you see me?  What did you create me for?  You know...because I think in ready for the answer."  THAT WAS THE QUESTION and the reality He confronted me with.

Talk about shifty side eye.

"Yes you Yvonne.  You're at the center of your world and as much as you try to 'find and maintain balance', 'do what makes you happy' blah blah blah...whatever trendy catch phrase you've read about lately that makes you feel good, if I'm not at the center it's in vain AND you know it is."

Tell me why my own strength fails
To provide you with a grace that will prevail
You Holy One are my strength today
And Lord you will have it no other way

Le sigh.

And I look at my life now.  Closely examine it.  And He's right.  I'd say 85% of the decisions I'm making currently have been made with the initial thought of "how will this affect me?"  And that has given me sometimes temporary but limited peace and joy.  Even when the by product helps someone else (husband, child, church, etc.), I am always thinking about me.

Whoa.
Whoa.

So I sing "Let Us See Jesus" and "Jesus Be The Center of it All" but He has had to check me.  How can I really see Jesus with all of ME in the way?

Pause.  Reflect.  Selah alladat.  Not to condemn me or have me hide my head under a pillow or go on some sinning spree because there's no hope for a wretch like me.  I know to much about Him at this point in my walk to know He's not like that and He'a not after that response.  I wanted Him to be real with me and He gave me that because He knew I was mature enough to handle it.

Repent.  Die to myself.  Be conformed to His image and likeness.  Stop trying to work this thing out. It's making me tired.

Yea....God be talking to meeeeeeee.....

I began by faith and the only way to successfully continue is by faith. 

For most of my adult life when I've been in academic or professional settings, I've felt invisible.  Well...at least invisible to white people....invisible to people with privilege.  I've felt so much so that it often took me aback when I was acknowledged in an unassuming or friendly manner by one.  I was so used to being and feeling ignored that I did not know how to interact with them.

Was part of this real and part of this assumed?  Perhaps?  Maybe then those perceptions turned into reality.  Or did reality create an exaggerated perception?  Chicken or the egg?  Which came first?  Who knows?  Not I?  All I know is that I feel that way again sitting in this videography workshop.  A room full of white men who all have a level or privilege because they are videographers.  They are used to the equipment, the technicalities, the terminology, etc.  In fact, they're all in here yawning because this is far from a master class...more like a comprehensive class.  It's good for me because I'm coming from a limited background in this stuff.  And that's ok.  They huddle in corners and talk technical stuff.  I'd rather not be weird like "hey guys....how's the weather?"  I suppose I knew this would happen.  Lol.  I'm not stranger to being a stranger.  I'm no stranger to being abnormal.  I'm no stranger to being different and being alienated because of it.

Last night I had a dream. I'd landed a commercial cal ideography gig for a Jewish owned grocery store in Far Northeast.  The store was poorly stocked...probably on the outs and in a decline.  After I set up and as I began to shoot, an old white man walked into the store.  He approached me as I attempted to shoot the poorly stocked and sad attempt of an ethnic hair care section.  He was angry: I could see it in his face. He approached me and physically was trying to restrain me.  The thing is, I didn't have the energy or the strength to stop him from stopping me.  He was so frail too...think old creepy guy from Family Guy.  Literally that frail in stature and strength and I could not get him off me.

Weird.  Odd.  Perhaps not all that odd.  Perhaps just a manifestation of my fear of white male privilege.  It's nothing I can't conquer and I know it...I'm just not acting on it.

Anyway,  the class is interesting.  I can definitely take some nuggets.  Def not flying a drone tomorrow lol, but I think I might be ready to shoot and edit my girls video complete with an interview and some accompanying b-roll.

Baby steps.  They're good for someone who likes to take giant leaps. Lol.  Baby steps.

Boom.