For most of my adult life when I've been in academic or professional settings, I've felt invisible.  Well...at least invisible to white people....invisible to people with privilege.  I've felt so much so that it often took me aback when I was acknowledged in an unassuming or friendly manner by one.  I was so used to being and feeling ignored that I did not know how to interact with them.

Was part of this real and part of this assumed?  Perhaps?  Maybe then those perceptions turned into reality.  Or did reality create an exaggerated perception?  Chicken or the egg?  Which came first?  Who knows?  Not I?  All I know is that I feel that way again sitting in this videography workshop.  A room full of white men who all have a level or privilege because they are videographers.  They are used to the equipment, the technicalities, the terminology, etc.  In fact, they're all in here yawning because this is far from a master class...more like a comprehensive class.  It's good for me because I'm coming from a limited background in this stuff.  And that's ok.  They huddle in corners and talk technical stuff.  I'd rather not be weird like "hey guys....how's the weather?"  I suppose I knew this would happen.  Lol.  I'm not stranger to being a stranger.  I'm no stranger to being abnormal.  I'm no stranger to being different and being alienated because of it.

Last night I had a dream. I'd landed a commercial cal ideography gig for a Jewish owned grocery store in Far Northeast.  The store was poorly stocked...probably on the outs and in a decline.  After I set up and as I began to shoot, an old white man walked into the store.  He approached me as I attempted to shoot the poorly stocked and sad attempt of an ethnic hair care section.  He was angry: I could see it in his face. He approached me and physically was trying to restrain me.  The thing is, I didn't have the energy or the strength to stop him from stopping me.  He was so frail too...think old creepy guy from Family Guy.  Literally that frail in stature and strength and I could not get him off me.

Weird.  Odd.  Perhaps not all that odd.  Perhaps just a manifestation of my fear of white male privilege.  It's nothing I can't conquer and I know it...I'm just not acting on it.

Anyway,  the class is interesting.  I can definitely take some nuggets.  Def not flying a drone tomorrow lol, but I think I might be ready to shoot and edit my girls video complete with an interview and some accompanying b-roll.

Baby steps.  They're good for someone who likes to take giant leaps. Lol.  Baby steps.

Boom.