I feel alone.  Isolated.  I know I am not but when I wake up in the morning that's how I feel.

And the cloud continues to drift over me...no matter how hard I try to shake it....

And depression is now turning into anger....and it's hard to look myself in the mirror.

God I feel so alone.  Please help me.  Please.  Please. Please.

Please.

Jesus.

Some moments I feel like giving up before I even begin.

Some moments I feel stupid for choosing this path that I'm on.

Some moments I feel so small and so useless....like so worthless.

I feel...I feel...I feel.

My life now is quiet.  So am I.  I've never been loud or lived loudly.  I've always felt insignificant. Unimportant.  Like I've had nothing to contribute to this world.

Some moments...that is how i feel that way.  It's a constant battle...pushing that feeling back like a heavy lump in my throat that's always trying to rise up.

I'm reading.  I'm praying.  But I guess I don't believe enough...

Because some moments, that's how I feel.

So I just joined this group called TNDistrict, an online interface run by Travel Noire, a platform for black folks who want to travel around the world and support each other doing it.

The interface allows you to, among other things, connect with other travelers and access glitch fare deals (i.e. $300 round trip fares to Abu Dhabi...because I'm about that liiiiiife!).  Not sure how much i can take advantage of it within the next year but at least I'll have access to the platform and maybe me and Ron can catch something quick.

Yesterday, I asked God to allow us to travel the world and to send us some traveling companions.  We shall see.  It's a desire of my heart to travel and enjoy different cultures and different people.  I found myself lately getting jealous that my single or newly married friends (no babies) had the freedom to do such things.  No bueno.  So I just prayed about it and gave that to God.  All things in due time.

Counting my blessings.
One by one.

That's alot of counting.

A little while back, my Bishop asked me how I was doing.  I shared with him my concerns about being a new mother, leaving my career behind, starting a business, and my hesitance about what God was doing in my life.

He said to me:

"Daughter.  Enjoy your life.  God is making your life beautiful right now.  Just enjoy this time."

So that is what I shall do.  That is what I am doing.

Goodnight.

What if, just what if I allowed Jesus to REALLY be the center of it all?

My life.
My heart.
My mind.
My relationships.
My wifehood.
My motherhood.
My servanthood.
My business decisions.
My everything.

And not in some crazy uber religious churchy way with random rules and regulations.  No. Not the traditional way everyone thinks of when they think of someone sold out to Jesus.  I'm talking about what if I allowed Jesus Christ to be at the center of it ALL IN MY LIFE?

"What would I look like, sound like, act like, if you  stopped being the center of my own world?"

Oooops.  Because as I keep waking up in the weeeee morning hours and asking God, "What do you see when you see me?  What did you create me for?  You know...because I think in ready for the answer."  THAT WAS THE QUESTION and the reality He confronted me with.

Talk about shifty side eye.

"Yes you Yvonne.  You're at the center of your world and as much as you try to 'find and maintain balance', 'do what makes you happy' blah blah blah...whatever trendy catch phrase you've read about lately that makes you feel good, if I'm not at the center it's in vain AND you know it is."

Tell me why my own strength fails
To provide you with a grace that will prevail
You Holy One are my strength today
And Lord you will have it no other way

Le sigh.

And I look at my life now.  Closely examine it.  And He's right.  I'd say 85% of the decisions I'm making currently have been made with the initial thought of "how will this affect me?"  And that has given me sometimes temporary but limited peace and joy.  Even when the by product helps someone else (husband, child, church, etc.), I am always thinking about me.

Whoa.
Whoa.

So I sing "Let Us See Jesus" and "Jesus Be The Center of it All" but He has had to check me.  How can I really see Jesus with all of ME in the way?

Pause.  Reflect.  Selah alladat.  Not to condemn me or have me hide my head under a pillow or go on some sinning spree because there's no hope for a wretch like me.  I know to much about Him at this point in my walk to know He's not like that and He'a not after that response.  I wanted Him to be real with me and He gave me that because He knew I was mature enough to handle it.

Repent.  Die to myself.  Be conformed to His image and likeness.  Stop trying to work this thing out. It's making me tired.

Yea....God be talking to meeeeeeee.....

I began by faith and the only way to successfully continue is by faith. 

For most of my adult life when I've been in academic or professional settings, I've felt invisible.  Well...at least invisible to white people....invisible to people with privilege.  I've felt so much so that it often took me aback when I was acknowledged in an unassuming or friendly manner by one.  I was so used to being and feeling ignored that I did not know how to interact with them.

Was part of this real and part of this assumed?  Perhaps?  Maybe then those perceptions turned into reality.  Or did reality create an exaggerated perception?  Chicken or the egg?  Which came first?  Who knows?  Not I?  All I know is that I feel that way again sitting in this videography workshop.  A room full of white men who all have a level or privilege because they are videographers.  They are used to the equipment, the technicalities, the terminology, etc.  In fact, they're all in here yawning because this is far from a master class...more like a comprehensive class.  It's good for me because I'm coming from a limited background in this stuff.  And that's ok.  They huddle in corners and talk technical stuff.  I'd rather not be weird like "hey guys....how's the weather?"  I suppose I knew this would happen.  Lol.  I'm not stranger to being a stranger.  I'm no stranger to being abnormal.  I'm no stranger to being different and being alienated because of it.

Last night I had a dream. I'd landed a commercial cal ideography gig for a Jewish owned grocery store in Far Northeast.  The store was poorly stocked...probably on the outs and in a decline.  After I set up and as I began to shoot, an old white man walked into the store.  He approached me as I attempted to shoot the poorly stocked and sad attempt of an ethnic hair care section.  He was angry: I could see it in his face. He approached me and physically was trying to restrain me.  The thing is, I didn't have the energy or the strength to stop him from stopping me.  He was so frail too...think old creepy guy from Family Guy.  Literally that frail in stature and strength and I could not get him off me.

Weird.  Odd.  Perhaps not all that odd.  Perhaps just a manifestation of my fear of white male privilege.  It's nothing I can't conquer and I know it...I'm just not acting on it.

Anyway,  the class is interesting.  I can definitely take some nuggets.  Def not flying a drone tomorrow lol, but I think I might be ready to shoot and edit my girls video complete with an interview and some accompanying b-roll.

Baby steps.  They're good for someone who likes to take giant leaps. Lol.  Baby steps.

Boom.

This from Proverbs 31 ministries.  Today, more than ever, I needed a reminder that His grace is sufficient.  Gracie bet'not be chewing no holes through my cheek...but sometimes, I do want to yell.  In fact, sometimes I do lol.  This motherhood thing isn't more than I can handle.  (I'll have to come back and check this blog a year from now when I'll have a 2 year old and a 6 month old on my hands lol).  Le sigh.  Deep breath in and blow one out.  One.day.at.a.time.

"To all my young mama friends,
I struggled so much when my kids were little.

 

People would tell me to appreciate these little years for they pass by in a blink. I’d go home blinking my little eyeballs to death wishing they would pass a little quicker.

But I must say, God used those years to grow me and stretch me more spiritually than anything else I’ve ever been through. Even when you only get little snippets of time with God, His lessons are there moment by moment.

Just the fact that I survived my first daughter is evidence of God’s amazing grace working in my life. She once bit my face leaving me with a hole - A HOLE! - in the side of my cheek. With everything in me, I wanted to march her back to that hospital that aided me in birthing her and demand some DNA testing. I was certain I’d brought home the wrong child.

That is until my mama told me she’d been praying for years for me to birth someone just like me. Ahem. Payback for her was pure bliss.

Anyhow, moment by moment I survived. Life did not pass me by. Opportunity did not pass me by. And my ministry was right there waiting for me when I changed that last diaper.

Those years where I only did little people ministry within my home worked out some kinks between me and Lord and perfectly prepared my heart to be so much more real and authentic when I stepped back on the speaking stage. I came to realize my desperate need for God like never before.

I came to realize my desperate need for grace like never before. I came to realize that even a rule-following girl like me can be pushed to cuss. And then I realized even more grace than before.

Hold on sweet sister. There is nothing wrong with you when you feel like you love those little people but some days you don’t like them very much. It’s okay. We’ve all been there. This too shall pass. And when it does you’ll actually miss parts of it. And you’ll actually not miss some parts of it too!"
- Lysa TerKeurst

i don't really have much to say these days.

Grace.
Much grace.

I don't know where this fear came from.  Well I know where fear comes from of course but not sure why so much anxiety right now.

In 4 hours I'm turning over the keys to the first home we purchased as a married couple.  This was our first big leap of faith.

Today marks a day of great transition.  I'm moving out of the city I've called home for the past seven years...a city I have grown to love and hate.  Does that even out to just like? Lol.

Bishop recently looked at me and said, "Daughter, you handle transition well.  That's just what you do."  I chalked it up to one of those, "speaks those thing a that aren't as if they were" moments and kept it moving.

My husband keeps telling me, "Don't get scared now."  I'm not scared.  Just learning how to embrace all that's new without holding on to the past.

Let's go!

Paths.

Psalms 23 & 25.

God change my mind about everything.

My value and who I am.

My marriage.

My motherhood and parenting.

My relationship with you.

I need a perspective shift.

My mind has been a hot mess as of late.

Help my mind God.

When water gives you heartburnnnnnn lol.  Lawd.

this post was going to be mopey and negative.  And then I erased it.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  Keep it moving.

Boom. 

Cynthia said, "stop looking for angst."

This is why she's my friend.

Ok.  Good night.

it's 9:41 p.m. on the even of my 28th birthday.

i don't feel celebratory.  no cake.  no balloons.  no cards.  no fancy dinner.  no friends.  no get together.

i kinda just feel...bleh.

27 was an eventful year.  i had a child.  i left my job.  i launched a business.  i got pregnant with my second child.

i have never felt so undone...so tired...so bleh....in my life.

i'm not mad.  i'm not sad.  i'm not angry.  i'm not depressed.  i'm not really joyous either, which i suppose isn't a good thing.

i just feel...ummm...bleh.

my life is good.  i have a loving husband.  i have a growing family and beautiful daughter.  i have a stronger relationship with my mother.  i have a supportive church family.

this morning, i sat on the edge of the bed and looked back over the last decade.  10 years ago i was in college.  i was starting my sophomore year i believe.  5 years ago i was starting at Mastery full time.  i can't recall what i did on those birthdays.  actually, 10 years ago,  i was turning 18 and cynthia, dana, shari, and e'lon got me a strawberry cake and we went to see jill scott and erykah badu at merriweather post pavillion.

i wanted to think about 10 years from now.  but i wouldn't allow myself to think about 10 years from now...for the possibility that 10 years from now i'd be sitting on the edge of the bed still feeling bleh.

tomorrow, i will get up.  i will feed my daughter. i will play with her for a little bit.  i will lay her down for her morning nap.  i will pray.  i will shower.  i will take my daughter to her 9 month doctor's appointment.  the doctor will throw shade and imply that i am a bad mother because my child is underweight, albeit developmentally thriving.  i will do my best to deflect their advice and the way they're trying to make me feel about my first-time parenting skills.  then, i will come home and prepare to lead praise and worship during Bible Study.  i will come home.  i will be tired...maybe hungry...maybe nauseated...maybe both.  i will feel bad because my husband wants to have sex with me but i physically don't feel up to it.  so i go to sleep and hope the next day i feel better.

this is my life now.  and i won't complain because it's not bad.  it's not bad at all.  it's good.  my life is good.

so goodbye 27.  hello 28.

*unenthusiastic flicka da wrist*

ayeeeee.

Writing this from bed...forgive me as I collect my thoughts...this is a rambling...

There is so much foolishness...madness in this world.  The advent and mass accessibility of social media seems like a double-edged sword.  On one hand, the issues and occurrences that historically have been glazed over and ignored by the masses are now being brought to the forefront of everyone's attention.  Most recently, Sandra Bland's tribe banded together and refused to believe allegations that she committed suicide in aTexas jail cell after being arrested during a routine traffic stop.  In less than 2 weeks, they have garnered nearly 100,000 signatures petitioning the U.S. attorney General to get involved in the investigation for Bland's death.  Cases like Bland's have been all too common in our communities, especially in the south and disenfranchised neighborhoods in the North.  Police brutality, stop-and-frisk, the school to prison pipeline...we know what it is.  For many African Americans, it's a lived reality of a constant state of belligerence, fear, and helplessness as enemies of the state simply because of the color of our skin.

On the other hand, social media bombards us with realities that are painful to discuss as we have become so numb to them for so long.  We've gone from, "That's just the way it is" to "Why the hell is it this way and what can I do about it?"  Posts, pictures, theories, blogs, videos, clips etc. awaken the "Black rage" James Baldwin so eloquently describes.  This rage gets played out at the reading of every blog...at the scrolling past of every picture...at the replay of every incendiary police body camera video....what in the world?  This ish is traumatic to say the least.  I leave my timeline exhausted from being so angry.  Part of me knows that this righteous indignation re-awakened is the impetus to a greater movement to bring about justice, even if at the moment, it's justice for one black woman or man who has succumbed the violence posed to black bodies constantly.

I guess my question is...what will it really take for black people to be healed?  What does that really look like for our communities?  Does it mean access to "quality" education (meaning comparable to what the rich white kids get in the suburbs)?  Does it mean access to better housing opportunities? Once we leave the physical ghetto, can we leave the ghetto mentality behind?  No, sir, you can't sit on my car or my steps. No, you can't plug your phone in my outdoor charger.  No, sir, you can't smoke weed on the corner at 2 in the morning on a Tuesday and be loud cuz...well...we folks around here have jobs and we get up early so we'd freaking like to sleep.  Take Pookie an'nem out of North Philly and transplant them in Middletown.  Hell to the no.  I left North Philly to get away from them because they have already succumbed to the poverty mentality and well...ain't nobody got time to be reprogramming no adults.  So do we believe the children are our future?  How does we as a society, en masse, break the cycle of poverty and end the culture of poverty.  And yes, I know critics would shame me for asserting the bourgeoisie, pompous and classist opinion that the culture of poverty is inferior but who do you know actually WANTS to live piled on top of one another in a small space struggling because of lack of resources with little prospect of getting out? No really?  I'll wait.  Being poor is not fun.  It's not glamorous.  That ish is hard.  It's only because of the resilience and brilliance of black people that we can look at our struggles and laugh at our pain.  The struggle simply became resourcefulness.  Resourcefulness became reality and somewhere along the line, some of us forgot that it wasn't ok to be on the bottom.  Trust...if black people were complacent with being poor, there would be no hip hop culture which glorifies glitz, glam, and the perceived "finer things in life".

I could go on and on...just like everyone else is going on and on...

Self care...

What is that?

I am exhausted.

Crosses eggs off the list of acceptable items to eat...

Post vomit naptiiiiiime.

Between the nausea, heartburn, vomiting, and fatigue...

U know...I'm just chilling lol.

How many months until the first trimester is over??????

Whoa...

I just looked back over my FB statuses from 2011 when the heavy winds of change were blowing in my life...great changes that brought obvious and quick restoration and healing in my life...

I was on fire for God...I would tell people about my church...I was praying for students and their family members in the hallways of my school...I'd get to work at 6:30 and pray in my classroom...put oil on the doorknobs and desks...

Today, the winds of change are blowing...restoration is coming but this is a detailed more painful process.  Slower.  More refined.  My plan is taking a back seat and I am resigned to humility rather than stubbornness.  Because the process doesn't "feel good" like it did in 2011.  However,  I know that it is for my good.

I want to be hot again.  On fire again.  Even in th midst of God stripping away the layers and revealing who I really am and th purpose for which he created me.

I am ok with this God because as I look back, I realize you have prepared me for this time.  I may not "feel" prepared but I am.  I am not alone.  I am not forgotten or forsaken.  I am not abandons.  I am on your mind.  I am in your heart.  You have considered me and know the ins and outs of every detail of my life.

Thank you for restoration of heat, soul, and mind so that I can love life free of fear, the weight of failure, self-pity, condemnation, and such.

I may not like the way this process feeeeeeellllsss but I'll endure this momentary affliction knowing that the glory which shall be revealed is going to be the bomb.

Jesus

...aaaaaaand welcome to the first trimester!

• nausea--check
• fatigue(like i want to hibernate for three months straight, no interruption)--check
• random bouts of crazy horniness--check
• food cravings...one day i want soul food...the next day i want tacos...--check
• anticipating the sex of my baby with much excitement-- check

doot doot doot.

Shawty Simms...coming Q1 2016.  

boom.

You know...I'm all about changing song lyrics.

Oh for grace to [insert any and every difficult, tiring, stressful, crazy, amazing, wonderful, frightening thing here].

More grace.  Just need more grace Jesus.

Need grace to receive grace.

Need grace to give grace.

Indian food...and some very good dessert.  Yes, I could go for it.

Jesus at the center of it ALL...even the little bits that I want to withhold because I think I can do a better job.  Yea...no.  That's not how any of this works.

Jesus.
Even when I feel like a failure at life...
That's just a feeling.  It's a lie.  It's a distraction.
Your grace is sufficient for me, in everything.

I decrease so you can increase.

I just had the most interesting experience at a model home but I am fascinated by it...will expound later.

Hit the scrunchy face...time to re-evaluate some thangz....

Earlier this year, I wrote out a random list of things I'd like to accomplish.  We are almost half way into the year and I'm pretty much just giving myself the illest face palm...

Perhaps because I was too ambitious...or unrealistic...or just didn't know what this year was going to bring.  Either way...here's a look at where I am, what's changed, and how I'd like to move forward.

Personal (in no special order)
1.  Develop and maintain a consistent daily devoltional life.

•  I'm getting better at this.  I'm definitely not Cindy Trimm out here in these streets but I do try and take time to be quiet and still before the Lord every day.  Baby steps.

2.  Practice healthier living habits- eating and exercise.

• Ummm.  Soooo...what? Huh?  Someone said something.  I think it's only by the grace of God (and lots of breastfeeding) that I weigh less than I do before I got pregnant.  I can't commit to busting it out in the gym every day.  I can commit to walking for at least 30 minutes 3 times a week.  I'm also falling back from beef and pork.  My last real episode with beef left me heaving in the toilet and I couldn't even finish my sausage egg and cheese biscuit the other day.  My body's pretty much trying to tell me something and I'm listening loud and clear.

3.  Commit to intentionally doing things to make my husband feel special.

• Don't know how good I've been at that.  I have been intentional about praying for my husband and being more patient.  I have also been intentional about listening to him.  I know he doesn't talk much, but when he does, I want to listen.  I'm trying to get better at this.  I don't have the money to  buy him gifts so I want to be intentional about spending time with him and making sure the time we do have together is pleasant and well-spent.

4.  Nurture my child by spending a set amount of time with her every single day.

• Yea.  This is a no-brainer.  Done.  I don't really have much of a choice in this matter because she demands it.

5.  Win souls for Jesus Christ.

• Who have I talked to about Jesus this year?  *crickets*...I'll wait.  Smh.  Even if it's just one.  I can and will do this by the end of the year.  I just pray that my life is speaking volumes right now as well.

6.  Travel out of PA (and I'm not talking to the DMV) at least three times.

• Does Delaware count because me and hubby go to Delaware at least 2 times a week lol.  We've been to Rehoboth beach twice AND we've been to DC for our anniversary but as tourists...not as family.  I'd definitely say that counts.  One more trip to go.

7.  Shoot generations of women (daughters, mothers, grandmothers).

• Mehhhh.  My name is not Sue Bryce.  My name is Yvonne Simms and as much as I wanted to be Sue Bryce six months ago, I've realized that I'm not AND I realized that I'm ok with that.  Boom.  I don't want to be Latasha Haynes, I don't want to be Amanda Holloway, I don't want to be Zach and Jody....I want to be Yvonne Simms. Now to discover who Yvonne Simms is....

8.  Begin some sory of tradition that involves celebration, laughter, food, family, and friends!

•   I think we're going to wait this one out until we move this fall.  Folasade's first birthday is late October so I suppose we'll do a housewarming/birthday party for her.  I'm also thinking about hosting Thanksgiving at our home.

9.  Complete our bedroom and dining room.

• We're moving.  Like we are getting a house built.  I think that's a bigger feat and I'm celebrating that.  Boom.

10.  Read ALL of the books of the Bible chronologically.

• In progress.

11.  Read 6 books.

• I've read 1.5  Only 4.5 to go.

Business

1.  Develop and implement a senior model program with 15 members of the class of 2016 representing the In The Image brand.  These young women will be college-bound, articulate, goal-oriented, and committed to servicing their communities.  They will also represent a number of different types of schools in the Philadelphia metro region

• SOOOOOOOOOOO...i did develop and implement this.  Have you ever worked so hard to develop something and in the middle of it, realized you wanted to tear it all down?  Oh, is that just me?  Yes, that's me.  I currently have 8 girls.  As of today, they have referred no one.  I could spend time evaluating all the mistakes on my part....but let's just say....I'd be spinning my wheels.  Again, going back to the earlier bullet...I was trying to be someone that I'm not...and my heart's not in this brand....and I'm ok with that.

2.  Travel with my senior models to New Orleans, Louisiana to recreate the Solange white wedding shoot.

• No.  I'd LOVE to travel to New Orleans...but not for the purposes of shooting seniors.

3.  Purchase new gear including: (1) D750 Full Frame Camera (2) Nikon NIkkor AF-S 85 mm F/1.4 G (3) Nikon Nikkor AF-S 24-70 mm f/2.8 (4) new brand new laptop that can handle photo and video editing.-----

SOOOOOO....i just put a whole bunch of stuff up here because I was GUESSING what I needed. Based on the style I'm developing I KNOW I still need:

• A full frame camera.  This crop sensor life is limiting the types of shots I can take.   I'd prefer it to be D750 as I shot Elder Renee's wedding with it.  That joint is all that.
• Nikon 50 mm f/1.4 G AF-S
• Nikon 35 mm f/1.4 G AF-S 
• Nikon 85 mm f/1.5 G AF-S
• A new laptop!!!!  That's a NO BRAINER!
• Another external hard drive.  1TB

4.  Shoot and sell at least 30 senior sessions before the year is over with an average of $1,000 sales per session.  

• Was I smoking crack when I came up with this number that I just pulled out of my arse?  As Bishop Freeman says-- "You don't go into business; You grow into business."  That being said, I'd still like to make enough money to cover my operating costs but my focus has reshifted to building a consistent and strong portfolio of work that reflects the type of work and customers I want to attract.  

5.  Build a rock-solid and consisten brand for modern high school senior photography

• So I built a brand.  It's not rock solid.  It's not really consistent.  I'm deconstructing it before it spontaneously combusts.  Is everyone alright with that?

6.  Join a group of like-minded creatives who push me to think outside of the box and reach my full potential. 

•  I think I MIGHT have found this.  I attended a couple of networking meetings.  I've found a group called Tuesdays Together.  This may prove fruitful, but I have to see.

7.  Purchase a seat at Amanda Holloway's Kitchen Sink Workshop in 2016.....

• While I think she is amazing at what she does, it's what SHE does and not what I want to do.  I am sure there are things I can learn from her but I want to move in a different direction.  I DO value mentorship and education and I'd still like to purchase mentoring, just not from her.  I actually would like to follow up with Elle Danielle, a photographer I met with last year before I had the baby.  She specializes in lifestyle, wedding, engagements, etc.  and has a consistent base of folks in Alabama.  We certainly shall see.  I need help with shooting consistently, editing, workflow, posing couples, and of course the business elements of it all.  Hopefully, I can get a mentorship with her by the end of the year.

8.  Submit 4 shoots for national magazine publication.  

• At this time, I'm not really interested in this.  And that's ok.  Let me get my shooting and editing game down and we can talk about national recognition.  First things first.

9.  Shift from shoot and burn to in-person sales.  

• I'll admit....I'm in transition here.  I did one in-person sales which yielded me about $400 in profit.  I haven't seen any of it though because it all went to my operating costs.  The rest of course has gone into the production and ordering of the product.  I don't mind, at this point, offering an online gallery and requiring a minimum print purchase through collections.

10.  Organize the basement as a set room for makeup AND in-person sales.  

• We're moving AND I'll have an office!  YAY!

So this is where we are.  Ron and Yvonne are moving.  Baby is almost 8 months old.  I started a business and now want to move in a completely different direction.  There's alot in flux and I'm ok with that.  

Boom.

This whole walking in my truth thing...is weird and kinda scary.

Truth is (no pun intended), I'm fearful of making a move because I don't want to make the wrong move.  I don't want God to be displeased.  I don't really know what He wants me to do.  I don't know what I'm gifted to do.  Maybe I do and I'm scared of that.  Perhaps I'm scared that He won't allow me to have the current desires of my heart and I feel guilty pursuing it.

Here it is God.

I don't really see anyone else in our church pursuing anything beyond a regular job.  I am a wife.  I am a mother.  I don't want to be 50, faking it until I make it...putting on a front of joy and peace like I got my stuff together when my life is full of regrets and sadness wondering what might have been.

I'm in a weird space right now.  I don't feel bad about being here.  Just never been here before.

My husband said something to me last night.  We were chatting about our upcoming move to Delaware and the transition from urban (read: the hood lol) to the country.  As I pondered my reaction to the transition, he said, "You have the opportunity to shape your life."  I wondered..."Do I really?"

I don't want to do anything that will take me out of the will of God.
I don't want to do anything that will stunt my development and growth as a person.
I don't want to do anything that hinders Jesus' growth in me.
I don't want to wake up in 5, 10, 15, 40 years (should God allow) and be full of regrets.

My desire is to be a great wife, a great mother and a great businesswoman.

Behind all of that, my desire is the please God.  So what if He says no to the latter?  What if my purpose is something else?

*scratching head*

So....God, you're not the author of confusion.  This is how I feel right now.

I need some guidance.  Help me please.

YS

Thank you Jesus for another day.  Thank you.

Saturday afternoon and my head is throbbing.  Dreaming of the quiet sanctum of terme di aroma's lower level.

Rub my back.  Put the steam on my face. Allllll while I fall fast asleep.

It's Wednesday, June 10th.  12:17 am

All is quiet in my house. The baby is asleep.  My husband is asleep.

My back hurts after sleeping on the love seat last night and I'm dreading doing it again tonight even though our bed is in pieces upstairs.

I can't sleep.  My brother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis today.  So here is where faith walking really begins.  This morning during my prayer time, I asked God to loose miraculous healing.   I know that The Bible says Jesus heals.  Now, I must believe it.  Knowing the Word and believing the Word are two different things.  I am learning the difference.

I believe my brother is healed.  I am waiting with expectation for him to show up at the doctors for a test and even the doctors are astounded by not being able to find what was once previously there.  I believe that even in this, God is going to show forth His glory.

Even in this.

it is well with my soul.

YS

woke up this morning like...

"i am in a good place."

i don't remember the last time i thought that or said that to myself!

there will always be something i want to achieve or always some area where i can get better.  but, there's something so precious, so great, so rewarding about embracing what i don't know and using it as fuel to keep going.

i AM in a good place.

Happy Monday!

It's our reactions that count...

I shot my first real wedding about a month ago.  Yesterday, after hours of editing, I sent the bride a gallery of the images.  She responded this morning with a lukewarm answer:  "I saw alot of great pics...but do you have any from xxxx time of day?"  Basically, she wanted me to provide her with photos from the area she wanted...the light, background, and setting was completely unflattering and definitely not my style...but she wanted to see the photos.  I obliged her and sent her two heavily edited photographs.  I guarantee, those are the images she's going to use on social media (le sigh).  I kinda want to scream right now, but I won't.

Generally, if you really like something, your response will show it.  Her's didn't.  So what do I do now.  I think there are two courses of action here.  I could:

A.  Get all depressed and dejected and allow this situation to stifle/set me back.

OR

B.  I could use this as an impetus to grow and get where I want to be.

Right now, my emotions/artistic side/right side of my brain are telling me to go with A.  However, I have learned that emotions and business don't mix.  So, I'm going to put on my big girl skinny jeans and boldly choose B.  Boom.

I will use this an impetus to grow and get where I want to be.  I want to be so good, that the work speaks for itself.   My husband always asks, "So what did we learn?" when situations don't go our way.  I learned a few things from this scenario:

1.  I need a contract that outlines what I will AND won't provide for my clients.
2.  I need to manage expectations of me on the back end so that I can underpromise and overdeliver.
3.  I need to learn my camera settings and "find my light" so that I am ready in season and out of season for whatever situation comes my way.
4.  I need to be better prepared with a shot list and timeline for my next wedding.  I look back and just think there are so many shots that I missed or didn't get.
5.  I need to practice, practice, practice.

Time to step up, take responsibility, kill all the "woe is me" crap, and keep it moving.  Ain't nobody got time to be whiny.  I only have to time to win (even if I have to lose a couple of times to do so...).

Boom.

Happy Weekend!

YS

...when your computer starts costing you money.

i just paid $25 to download 2 files....and for some reason...they won't download.

and after two download attempts, you can't access the files.

what the feezy.

i need a new computer.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

When it takes 2 hours to do what should take 30 minutes.

God,  I just thank you in advance for all of this new equipment.

I'm so annoyed with myself right now....uggggghhhhhhh!

Then Jesus went to work on his disciples.  "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead.  You're not in the driver's seat; I am.  Don't run from suffering; embrace it.  Follow me and I'll show you how.  Self-help is no help at all.  Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.  What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?  What could you ever trade your soul for?  Don't be in such a hurry to go into business for yourself.  Before you know it the Son of Man will arrive with all the splendor of his Father, accompanied by an army of angels.  You'll get everything you have coming to you, a personal gift.  This isn't pie int he sky by and by.  Some of you standing here are going to see it take place, see the Son of Man in kingdom glory."

Matthew 16:24-28  (The Message)

i had a revelation yesterday.  revelation...deliverance...aha moment...breakthrough...whatever you'd like to call it.

i am enough.
i am beautifully and wonderfully created by God almighty and He placed in me all that I need to do the work that He has purposed for ME to do.
i don't have to be anyone else.
i don't have to be like anyone else.
admiring someone else doesn't mean i must pursue what they have.
what God has for me is for me.  what God has for them is for them.
everyone has thei own journey, and mine is especially unique and beautiful.

my former boss Erin came to the house about a month ago to visit Folasade and i.  she came in, glowing (as always), and simply happy.  the next day, she and her fiancee AJ were about to board a plane for Mexico to enjoy Spring Break, she was a month away from graduating from Penn's Fels School of Public Policy and a couple of months away from her wedding.  she was almost a year into her new position as Cultural Context for Mastery and she sat on my couch explaining her options for the next phase of her life.  it seemed, perfecct.  she had a plan in place.  wedding.  baby.  executive director at a non-profit OR running for office in the city of Philadelphia.  but as she sat before me...her path made sense to her and me.  it made sense.  she said one thing that made sense to me..."I feel like I am walking in my truth."

and she is right.  she is where she needs to be.  she is where she can be most effective.  she is in her element.  she's in a position to use her gifts.  she's in a position to use her talents.  it has come together for her.  it makes sense.  she knows who she is and she is comfortable with who she is.

i think about much of my struggle within the last few years.  chasing dreams that never really were my "dreams".  pursuing shadows of what i thought was my reality.  i have now come to a place where i realize, i don't really know who i am.  i have known it for a long time...i guess i've never been comfortable with being honest about it.  i know the shadow of the person i created.  the layers of the woman who seemeed to pick up layers of personality by rolling along through life.  never fully conscious of how the decisions i made impacted me.  never fully free to say "no, that doesn't make me happy."  because i have never been comfortable with me, i have been SO jealous and envious of what others have.  since college.  staring at closets full of clothes and shoes.  lately, i've been looking at other peoples' businessness and "lives" on social media...COVETING what they have, instead of being thankful for all that i have.  that, my friends, is the quickest way to misery and self-loathing.  it's an existence that no one wants to live out or near.  you can't explain why you're so upset all the time to those who see your life and know it's good.  you're too ashamed to confess that you're jealous.  you're jealous because you're not thankful.  you're ungrateful.

the first time i ever stepped out on faith and did that was when i decided to leave Bruce.  i started dating my now husband a week later.

what if...i did that in every aspect of my life?  what if i sought to walk in the truth, MY truth every day and in every way?  what if, just what if, i woke up with gratefulness in my heart.  what if, just what if, i loosened the reigns on "my life" and let God lead me to where He wants me to be.  i did it once and He led me to my wonderful husband.  He knew who i needed and when i needed it.  He made someone utterly perfect for me.  God, are You not my shepherd?

i want to walk in THE truth.  i want to walk in THE truth.  Jesus is the WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT.  He is the living WORD made flesh.  i want my light to shine in this dark world.  i want the Jesus in my to illuminate the way for someone else.

i am so desperate for Him now to reveal the real me...first to myself...and then the world.  i desperately seek authenticity.  i seek authenticity, and legitimacy, and validity....i want to see me the way Jesus sees me.  i'm tired of self-loathing and self-pity and self-hatred which leads to this viscious cycle of loathing and hating others because they seem to have caught on the their truth.

i want Your joy.  i want Your peace.  i want Your righteousness in the Holy Ghost.

i want to bring glory to God in whatever i do.

You said that i should first seek Your Kingdom and everything else I need would be added to me.  You said that if i put You first, that you would give me the desires of my heart.  purify the desires of my heart.  let me not desire what others have.  let me desire what you want for me.  and let me pursue you with passion and fervor so that you will continue to shape and mold me to be the person you created me to be.

that is all.

whew....i am free.

Jesus is Lord.

That is all.

when your baby is annoyed with you because she's hungry and your body is not producing milk...

when you're annoyed because you JUST got your milk supply back up to where it's supposed to be...

when your baby doesn't drink out of bottles when the breast is right there...

when you know you have to pump ANYWAY...

insert crazy faced emoji here

goes back to feeling like cow.

ta-ta.

When it takes 30 minutes to edit one picture in Photoshop...

1 down...only like 56 more to go...

Jesus.  Help.  Me.  Please.

...
Tired. Sleeeeeeeeep.

Every year I begin with great intentions of reading the entire Bible.  Every year, I fall off.  I've done several reading plans from chronological to topical and I always seems to fall short.

This year, I am using a plan found in the YouVersion app from Bible.com.  It provides 5-7 verses a day, Old Testament, New Testament, and either a reading from Psalms or Proverbs.  I've definitely fallen off the past couple of weeks and now I realize what my pattern is.

Whenever I get to the book of Job....I stop.

There is something about God's nature in this book that I'm having trouble accepting.  Maybe it's not that...maybe it's fear that I could be Job.  Any person could be Job.  He was one of THE most righteous people on earth and yet God allowed him to suffer...even had a conversation with Satan about Job.

like...whoa.

not to mention, I think even the writers of the accompanying devotional have trouble explaining what's happening.  With titles like "Some Things We Cannot Explain" and "Suffering is Inevitable"...there are parts of God's nature that we as humans will never be able to comprehend.  We can only trust that what He is doing is perfect and that as His children, He knows what we can bare.

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about Christ's suffering.  I mean The Passion.  Christ literally baring the weight of the world's sins on His back as people shunned, beat and bruised Him.  I visualized the cat o' nine tails tearing into His back as He refused to give into the taunts and jeers.  They didn't see Him for who He really was...but how could they.  In a way, the ones who killed Christ were kinda like Pharaoh.  If there was no Pharaoh oppressing the people, how could God have shown Himself strong for Israel through Moses.  Perhaps that is why Jesus could ask the Father to forgive them, for they had no idea how they were being used in God's plan.

We know in part...but we don't really Know like God KNOWS.

Pastor Thomas's son Micah committed suicide.

The intercessor.
The prophet.
The mighty woman of God.
The obedient servant.

...all that...but still your child God.  suffering knows no boundaries.  God what is this?  Only you know how much she cried out for her son.  Only you know the fasting and prayer done...only you know the sleepless nights...only you know the spiritual sacrifices...only you know her heart's cry....because she's a mother and no mother wants to see their child bound, or suffer, or hurt, or in pain, or...dead.  this ain't spiritual...this ain't deep.  this is life.  no mother wants to see their child in a coffin.

God what is this?  i am so perplexed.  i am so very perplexed.  this is the same experience i get when i read Job.

there must be a reward for this kind of suffering.  serving God.  loving the people of God.  interceding day in and day out.  fasting.  praying.  standing in the gap constantly.  there must be a reward for this faithfulness.  there must be compensation.  there must be.

You said that all things work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose....

God, what is this?

i stand on the cusp of going deeper...getting closer...knowing what has been prophesied....the suffering that i must endure...but the great grace that is upon my life...and the glory...

God, i ask that you cover me, my husband and children, and all that is connected to us in the blood of Jesus Christ.  

...this is why my husband is a boss.

"You're fired.  It's as simple as that."

haaaaaaaaa!

ok.  i'm not trying to burn bridges so early in the game....

since i'm not about that blame game life...Lord...help me please to better communicate with people.  There is always room to improve on MY end...help me to see what/how I can improve so I can do business better.

there is ALWAYS room to improve.

as my husband always says, "Well, what did we learn?"

lol.  yup.

I'm in love...

Sweet sweet Spring. 😍😍😍

So I'm just going to take this walking in the Spirit one step at a time...

Let's start with love.  It's an action, right?  I choose to love others starting this week... I choose to look past their flaws and serve someone else,  putting their needs above mine.  I choose to love someone else.

He says to me: "Keep ploughing your field."  I didn't exactly know what a plough did...so I looked it up.  Thanks Wikipedia. Lol.

The plough (BrE) or plow (AmE; see spelling differences; /ˈplaʊ/) is a tool (or machine) used in farming for initial cultivation of soil in preparation for sowing seed or planting to loosen or turn the soil.

There is a season for everything.  So right now, I'm breaking up the ground, preparing to plant.  Seems like the ground is hard, but once I plough if, there's some nutrient rich soil just waiting to be brought to the top to sow my seeds.  Just keep digging.  Just keep ploughing and praying for more seed to sow. 

Well.  G'night.

Because every time I want to give up...I remember how much I NEED all new camera, lenses, and laptop...

Which came first?  The chicken or the egg?  The D750 w/ 85 mm f/1.8 lens OR more clients? Start where you are.  Use what you have.  Do what you can.  The rest is a matter of grace, of which I need more.

And I keep going.

#dontdespisethedaysofsmallbeginnings

Start where you are.  Use what you have.  Do what you can.

Olufunmilayo Melody Simms.

God gave me joy and a song in my heart.

the February slump...and why i can not and will NOT succumb to it this year.

social media for  small business owner is like a double-edged sword.  it's an awesome marketing tool when used effectively to reach your target market and get word out about the awesome products/services you have to offer.  however, for a business owner just starting out in an established and booming industry, it can be difficult to maintain perspective when you see others seemingly doing it big.

i'm a pretty private person, so sometimes social media is maaaaaad annoying.  like really...you have to take a picture of EVERYTHING you're doing.  "just got out of bed-click".  "making really healthy breakfast-click".  "taking a poop..smells so bad-click".  *rolling eyes*  like really?  but, in today's world and with the target market i'm appealing to, i have to find a way to stay relevant on social media without losing my mind.

i am determined to do this.  i will do this.  i WILL do this.

late February/early March is also WPPI conference in Vegas--Wedding & Portrait Photographers International.  it's a super huge expo with all of the industry's greats in one place at one time.  Sue Bryce, Amanda Holloway, Sal Cincotta, Justin and Mary Marantz, Jen Rozenbaum...you name it.  wanna check out the hottest gear for the year...it's there.  wanna check out that new album from the lab you've been wanting...it's there.  wanna network and make industry friends...it's there.

i guess i just feel like i'm in this period of isolation with the baby.  as much as one would think that makes it easy to focus...it sort of makes it more difficult.  not only because the baby requires more attention that i thought, but also because it seems like everyone is living this fabulous life and well...winter has me stuck in the house.

ok. ok.  that's it.  i've spent too many paragraphs complaining and making excuses.  yes, that's how i feel some days...but i can't let it get me down.

next February/March, i want to go to WPPI.
next year, i want to attend an Amanda Holloway class WITH my new camera and lenses and laptop.

all of these things cost MONEY...thus, ya girl has to grind out here in these streets.

so, enough complaining.  let me get back to the mission at hand.

I had a dream last night.  Lol.  Not like Dr. King.  A real dream last night whose characters indicate to me that I probably need to slow down on my television consumption.  Otherwise....

I was running, leaping, and jumping for joy in the dream.  I was filled with so much joy, excitement, hope about the future.  There was no fear in me at all.  I was literally doing cartwheels and I don't even know how to do a stinkin' cartwheel.  I laughed so much in the dream I feel like I was laughing aloud in my sleep.

I don't remember the last time I laughed like that.  Freeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!  I think I'd like to do that soon.

YS

...and i keep reminding myself that God is sovereign.

i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting on You Lord.
i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting on You Lord.

that is all.

God...there's so much I want to do. So much that needs to be done.  So much in me.  I need your grace like never before. Please.

I often don't get it right.  When I do,  I know it's only because of you.  When I get it wrong,  help me to learn, humble myself, move forward, not making the same mistakes again.

i could choose to focus on how physically drained i feel.  i could.
i could choose to focus on how livid i was yesterday.
i could choose to focus on how i felt like a pure afterthought on a weekend when love was supposed to be celebrated.
i could choose to remember how it used to be.

or i could choose to forgive and figure out what i need to do better.

yup.  for sanity's sake, i'll choose the latter.

I can't get what I don't give.

I can't reap what I do t sow.

Right?

Boom.

up late (or early if you will).  my first period since before pregnancy is here and it's hitting me sideways.  i'm not really crampy...moreso i have this super sharp pain on the right side of uterus that feels like someone is digging in it.

not feeling that at all.

monday evening is my model recruitment meeting.  i hope to have at least 10 girls, with 3 being from non-Mastery schools.  i'm excited...not really nervous...just ready to get this thing going.

i'm thinking about transitioning to another blog.  i want to purchase my domain name www.yvonnesimms.com

i think the ibuprofen is settling in.

time to go to sleep.

YS

Tomorrow, I am scheduled to go to the doctor and get an IUD inserted. This could stop y ability to conceive for the next 10 years.

I want to have another baby.  I would like to do so before I'm 30.  I have no desire to be raising children into my 50s.  My husband is on the fence about having another child and I don't blame him.  We are technically still newlywed a and we are also new parents.  I am starting a new business.  Ron has been in his new position at the bank for less than a year.  We are about to buy a new house.  lord knows we don't have time right now for another baby.

However, I am open to the possibility of more.

I am not sure if I am going to go through with tomorrow's procedure.  I have never been comfortable with taking hormone contraceptives.  I am not sure if I am ok with having a foreign object stuck in me...no matter how "sure" of a device it is.

Bleh.  Decisions decisions.

God--

I confess that I have been wrapped up in the "how".  I need grace to receive the grace you said you're giving out this season.  I don't know how this is going to get done.  Every time I think about this I get stuck.  Stuck stuck stuck.

I kinda feel like I stepped into that really deep water out on faith....I might be sinking just a little bit...of course I've taken my eyes off You.  You said you are the author and the finisher of my faith.  You began this work in me...You promised to complete it....

God, I am anxious about where all of the money is going to come from.  I am anxious about over promising and under-delivering.  I am anxious right now that my heart and mind are so freaking overwhelmed.  I need new equipment...I need more training on shooting, editing, marketing and sales...I need to revenue to at least be able to reinvest back into this business so that it will become profitable.  I need staying power and guts to go for it . I need humility to ask my husband for money.  I need ideas to alter this program to suit my needs in the first year.

You said leave my job.  You said start with seniors.  You said give this to them for free.  I need you to provide the revenue.  I'll take it in whichever way you would like to provide it.  Please please please.  Most of all, I need a faith reboot because I am walking around SUPER scared and it is a fear that is paralyzing me on every front. I can't even think straight right now.

Help me.  Please.

Yvonne

right now i have about 15 windows open on my laptop.

this does not include the 15 windows open in my head.

i have a whole lot going on but nothing is getting accomplished right now.  i don't think i've eaten today and i surely haven't drank anything.  that may be why my head hurts.

i have no idea what to charge.  i've been going over these numbers for a while now and i know there will be many people who think i'm too expensive.  they are not my target client.  shoot...i am not my target client and that's fine.

i don't want to compromise my vision.   i am striving to be a a high end, boutique brand.  i have the slight feeling that my target market is off.  girls in Philadelphia want to look high end...not sure if they are willing to pay for it though.  people buy what they value.  hands down...i don't want to photograph everybody and their mama.  i don't have the time or the patience.  everyone doesn't necessarily see what i see.  and that's ok.

i'm not really sure what to do next.  taking a mental break and going to view a cheap but seemingly cute venue for my recruitment meetings.  i'm supposed to host these meetings in February, but i don't have a location locked down.  i'd rather not host them at my house...nothing says hi-end or value like trash on the street or hoodrats placing empty juice bottles on your car.

help me Holy Spirit.  i need ALOT of your help today.

it's challenging.  it's a good challenge, but it's challenging nonetheless.

hmmm.

Some mornings I feel like giving up...and I just got started.  Maybe it's just my season to be somebody's mommy.  Like...everything in me wants to stop.

No person to turn to because they will judge me.  I turn to God and tell Him I want to stop.  I want to give up.  I don't even know some days what I'm working for.  I feel at a standstill.  No one cares about this.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy.

He says, "I know what I told you.  You know what I told you."

God...this is hard.

He gives grace to the humble. Therefore, humble yourself under the mighty hand of God.

Ok.

Is it possible that I need grace to receive grace?

I remember the first time I said "I love you" to my husband.  Friday, November 4th, 2011.  It is as cold outside but inside I we hot.  Not in a bad way but in a way that radiated throughout my body.  It's almost if I didn't say it, I would explode.  By this time, I'd know him for five years.  In that time,  I had never told him those words.  Maybe I was scared.  Maybe I wasn't ready for the totality of what they meant.  I think I didn't really know what love was.  

I told a friend the story of my husband and my journey to now.  I always get so smitten when I think about how we went from puppy love to this. It's beautiful and amazing.  

9 years after we met, I am in awe that this man is mine.  We are not the same people we were when we met.  I am sure we will evolve during the next decades together.  I just pray that we grow in love together and that God allows us to enjoy each other for many more years to come.  

My husband makes it better and I hope I do the same for him.  There is nobody else for me.  

2015...write the vision and make it plain.

Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

They're not resolutions...just things I'd like to accomplish in 2015.

Personal (in no special order)
1.  Develop and maintain a consistent daily devotional life.  Through the good times and the I-want-to-flip-out-and-throw-some-stuff-at-somebody times.  This includes quiet time with God, praying, reading and meditating upon His Word, worshipping and listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit.
2. Practice healthier living habits--eating and exercise.  Even if my husband chooses the double whopper with cheese and bacon and I'm oh-so-tempted to indulge as well, I have to do what's right for my body and my health.  30 minutes of exercise, three times a week.
3. Commit to intentionally doing things to make my husband feel special.
4.  Nurture my child by spending a set amount of time with her every single day to nurture her appropriately.
5. Win souls for Jesus Christ.  Nuff said.  I have never done it.  My testimonies and intercessions have always been for those who already know Him.  What about those who don't?  The whole world is groaning and travailing...awaiting the manifestations of the sons of God.  just saying....there's no time like the present.
6. Travel out of PA (and I'm not talking to the DMV) at least three times.
7. Shoot generations of women (daughters, mothers, grandmothers, etc.) and document their stories via photo and video to publish on my personal blog.  I intend for these shoots to kindle my creativity and build my glamour and fine art portfolio should I choose to launch that portion of my brand next year.
8. Begin some sort of tradition that involves celebration, laughter, food, family, and friends!
9.  Complete the our bedroom and dining room.
10.  Read ALL of the books of the Bible chronologically.
11.  Read 6 books.

Business
1.  Develop and implement a senior model program with 15 members of the class of 2016 representing the In The Image brand.  These young women will be college-bound, articulate, driven, goal-oriented, and committed to servicing their communities.  They will also represent a number of different types of schools in the Philadelphia metro region.

2.  Travel with my senior models to New Orleans, Louisiana to recreate the Solange white wedding shoot.

3.  Purchase new gear including: (1) D750 full frame camera (2) Nikon Nikkor AF-S 85 mm F/1.4 G (3) Nikon Nikkor AF-S 24-70 mm F/2.8 G (4) a brand stinkin' new laptop for that can handle photo and video editing!!!!!

4. Shoot and sell at least 30 senior sessions before the year is over with an average of $1,000 in sales per session.

5. Build a rock-solid and consistent brand for modern high school senior photography.

6.  Join a group of like-minded creatives who push me to think outside of the box and reach my full potential.

7.  Purchase a seat at Amanda Holloway's Kitchen Sink Workshop in 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Like...I REALLY WANT THIS! Please and THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

8.  Submit 4 shoots for national magazine publication

9.  Shift from shoot and burn to in-person sales

10.  Organize the basement as a set room for makeup AND in-person sales.

First day of this year and first few hours.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow,  even the ones we least expect.

In 2014,  I completed my first year of marriage, carried and delivered our first child, and left my job behind to become a full time mother and business owner.  I cried (a lot) only because I was fearful.  I was fearful because I had been angry with God for a very long time and hadn't acknowledged it.  I had been angry with God because I was still holding on to this idea of what I thought my life should be, instead of allowing Him to lead me and guide me into something way better.

As I begin 2015,  I declare a lot less crying, no fear.  Taking responsibility for my actions while letting God work on my heart.  Bind my mind to Your will, Lord.  Make th desires of my heart pure and only ones that when brought to fruition, glorify you. I thank you and praise you for all that you have done and all that you are doing in me as a woman of faith in Jesus Christ.  Help me to be the woman you have called me to be- multifaceted and dynamic, upright, full of integrity and a witness for Jesus Christ.  Help me not to be ashamed of the Gospel for it is the power of God.  Let not only my life be a reflection of you but let me not be ashamed to open up my mouth and delare your great works in my life.  Help me to be unselfish and think about and pray for others.  You have called me to intercession because I see things that other people don't see.  People naturally confide in me, even when I don't ask, they tell me everything.  People pour out their hearts to me.  Help me to unload their burdens by praying for them.  In this New Year,  teach my how to pray with fervor and focus, boldly.  Not with cadences in my voice and for emotional effect but with clarity because the effectual fervent prayer of the righteous availeth much.  God help me to be righteous in you.  Teach me your word.  Teach me your ways.  Write your law upon my heart.  As I meditate upon your word day and night,  stabilize my mind so that it is set on you.  Let your word be the automatic response to every situation,  good and bad.

I'm going into 2015 with my hands open.  I give you all of my thoughts, plans,  desires, challenges, wins, questions, hangups,  shortcomings, victories, my husband, my marriage, my child,  my business, my ministry, my gifts--everything.  My hands are open not only to give,  but I am also ready to receive all that you have in store for me.  You are Jehovah Perrezim, Lors of the Breakthrough.  I declare that this year, by faith,  I and my household are breaking forth and enlarging the borders of our tent.  We are stretching out on the right and the left, making room for more,  prepared for the grace of God to be bestowed upon us in a mighty way that we would display your glory. Let there be no lack in our household whatsoever.  Continue to protect and keep us safe.  Continue to mold us and conform us to your image and likeness that our lives would glorify your son Jesus Christ.  God,  strengthen my marriage.  Help me to cherish and respect my husband.  He is the spiritual cover and provider for this household.  Help me to pray for my husband as I know him more intimately than any other human in this world.  Where he needs help,  show me how to pray and how I can assist him.  Continue to strengthen him physically and spiritually.  I pray that he be well and in good health even as his soul prospers.  I pray that he have the peace that psssseth understanding and that you continue to give him your infinite wisdom in all matters.  I pray for my daughter.  Keep her in grey health that she would develop and grow without sickness or disease.  I pray that she be intelligent and quick and apt to learn. Give me the wisdom to teach her as I am her first and primary teacher, her first example of how to live.

 Purge me of all that is not like you--fear, pride, selfishness, the love of money,  the love of this world.  Make me like you.  Give me th grace to suffer with you so that I can reign with you in this life and in the life to come.  Take me back to my child-like faith when I first believed.  Pour into me that I may live a life poured out to others.  Let me not be so selfish that I miss your purpose and plan for my life.  A life of servanthood, that others might know Christ's love for them through me.  Help me to be a vessel of honor fitted for your divine use.  Fill me up so you can pour me out.  Lead me to those who are dry and thirsty for you.  They may not know why they are depleted, but help me to discern and to give the word of wisdom,  the word of knowledge, and importation of my faith.  I have the faith to work miracles.  You told me so.  You told me so.  Let my miracle working faith be in operation this year.

God,  I thank you for a new year,  new beginnings, new mercy, your steadfast love, and that I can be honest before you.  I anticipate so much greater in this year to come.

I love you and I praise you.  Thank you!!!! Hallelujah!!!!

Your daughter--

Yvonne