it's 9:41 p.m. on the even of my 28th birthday.

i don't feel celebratory.  no cake.  no balloons.  no cards.  no fancy dinner.  no friends.  no get together.

i kinda just feel...bleh.

27 was an eventful year.  i had a child.  i left my job.  i launched a business.  i got pregnant with my second child.

i have never felt so undone...so tired...so bleh....in my life.

i'm not mad.  i'm not sad.  i'm not angry.  i'm not depressed.  i'm not really joyous either, which i suppose isn't a good thing.

i just feel...ummm...bleh.

my life is good.  i have a loving husband.  i have a growing family and beautiful daughter.  i have a stronger relationship with my mother.  i have a supportive church family.

this morning, i sat on the edge of the bed and looked back over the last decade.  10 years ago i was in college.  i was starting my sophomore year i believe.  5 years ago i was starting at Mastery full time.  i can't recall what i did on those birthdays.  actually, 10 years ago,  i was turning 18 and cynthia, dana, shari, and e'lon got me a strawberry cake and we went to see jill scott and erykah badu at merriweather post pavillion.

i wanted to think about 10 years from now.  but i wouldn't allow myself to think about 10 years from now...for the possibility that 10 years from now i'd be sitting on the edge of the bed still feeling bleh.

tomorrow, i will get up.  i will feed my daughter. i will play with her for a little bit.  i will lay her down for her morning nap.  i will pray.  i will shower.  i will take my daughter to her 9 month doctor's appointment.  the doctor will throw shade and imply that i am a bad mother because my child is underweight, albeit developmentally thriving.  i will do my best to deflect their advice and the way they're trying to make me feel about my first-time parenting skills.  then, i will come home and prepare to lead praise and worship during Bible Study.  i will come home.  i will be tired...maybe hungry...maybe nauseated...maybe both.  i will feel bad because my husband wants to have sex with me but i physically don't feel up to it.  so i go to sleep and hope the next day i feel better.

this is my life now.  and i won't complain because it's not bad.  it's not bad at all.  it's good.  my life is good.

so goodbye 27.  hello 28.

*unenthusiastic flicka da wrist*

ayeeeee.