i suppose.
i woke up to pray this morning and found it difficult to speak to God. so i'll write to Him and then read this prayer/conversation/monologue.
first of all, thank you God for this year of 2011. as it draws to a close, i look back and sincerely appreciate everything you've done for me and have been for me. for the most part, i think it's been a pretty lonely year. even though i was in a relationship and had friendships, i was really trying to fill a void that could only be filled with a closer, more intimate relationship with you. i tried to fill that void with sex, sometimes alcohol and drugs, and more often than not, food. yet, i don't want to say that this year was full of negatives. you planted me in an amazing church home and surrounded me with christ-like powerful people who want to manifest your glory and power. i'm excited for the plans you have for me at Spirit and Truth and beyond.
you've saved me and delivered me from much bondage. bondage to a destructive and toxic relationship with bruce. we weren't meant to be together, and because we had history, we both acted as if we could make it work. but us together meant trying to put a round peg in a square hole. that wasn't supposed to be that way. when i took a leap of faith and cut it off for good, i opened myself up for major possibilities.
you've given me a man who loves YOU first and through that love, loves me. i'm so grateful for Ronald and so amazed at how you've worked things out.
this year, almost every time i've gone up to the altar for prayer you have told me not to be fearful. isn't fear what's been driving me my entire life. fear not to fail my father and his expectations. fear of not falling on my face and looking like a fool. fear of being mediocre which has really led me into a life of oblivion and...well....mediocracy. fear of sticking out too much or standing up for something. so out of fear i sit down and don't say much and no one really knows my name. i'm not saying i desire fame...i'm saying that God didn't gift me with the ability to open up my mouth and speak eloquently...just not to be heard. you've gifted me and for so long, i haven't used many of my gifts because of this fear......
and now...as i managed to pray for a little this morning, i realized that i am approaching a crossroads in my life. You have been moving quickly in my life, even during the past couple of months. you've replaced what i thought i lost with much MUCH more than i could ever imagine. you've comforted me. you've brought me sooooooooooo much joy. i've never experienced this. God, i thank you. some days, i sit and think about your goodness and i become overwhelmed by how much you really love me. i'm in awe of you. absolutely in awe of you.
and yet...there's this fear that creeps in when it comes to doing something new and trying something different. earlier this year, when Bishop Vaughn came, she spoke about lie-based thinking and "triggers" that set off certain responses in our existence. she drew a picture of a two circles, a smaller one inside a larger one. the smaller one was us-how we were naturally created in the image and likeness of God. it was the real us. the outer circle (or circles, depending on the amount of baggage you've accumulated over your life) was all of the foolishness we've picked up over the years. in essence, it was a protective shell, an outer appearance we gave to other people but wasn't really the real us. many people, including myself, have had this outer circle for years that we begin to think this is who we really are. my shell was one defensiveness. fear. i never really wanted people to see the real me. my boldness. my outspokenness. my real talents and abilities. perhaps that would cause them to ask more of me. i wasn't ready for responsibility because with responsibility comes risk. with risk comes the possibility of failure. with risk comes fear.
but i've never stood to look at the glass half full instead of empty. i've always seen risk endeavors as something potentially negative instead of positive. now i'm on the brink of making the riskiest decision of my life...quitting my "good paying job" to pursue my passion of photography and my dreams of being a professional storyteller.
i've never done anything like this...and yet, on the outside looking in, it seems foolish...but from where i'm standing...it seems right. for so long, i've walked down the prescribed path for my life. high school, college, masters, career...now what? looking back, i know that You have orchestrated everything in only a way that You can, but now there's this longing in my heart to do more...to know more...to see more...to experience more. life is much more than a daily grind and i've never been comfortable with it. i've already seen so much in my life...traveled to distant lands...met wonderful and diverse people...it almost seems like i've regressed instead of progressed...it's time to move forward and not look back.
i've been dreaming very vividly lately as well.
about a week ago, i dreamt that i was at an event with my old GLA co-workers. we exited the venue around dawn and the males offered to walk me back to my car because we were in a pretty bad neighborhood. i walked to my car, knowing exactly where i parked it and it was not there at all. i frantically searched the entire neighborhood until i came to the realization that my car was stolen. i was distraught, not knowing what to do or how i was going to get home. then, an old man and a little boy were walking by and a light was emanating from the little boy's face. he looked up at me with these crystal clear blue eyes and said to me..."don't worry, God does all things well". then i woke up.
i think about what my car symbolizes...freedom, independence, my ability to go wherever i want. when i'm in the driver's seat, i have complete control and can go where i want. i make the decisions about the direction in which i'm heading. with it stolen, i had no idea what to do. then, i think about the prophetic word that came forth when God told me that He's working on changing some things, particularly my independence. i haven't fully submitted to Him. i haven't fully allowed Him to be Lord of my life. i haven't yet had to completely rely upon God to meet my every need. my faith has not been truly tried and tested.
one morning last week, i asked God to speak to me clearly. i was on my way home on the bus. the day had been average. pretty decent. nothing spectacular. while conversing with ronald, i randomly told him..."u know...i've been playing with the idea of quitting my job"....and he went crazy. i asked him "wasup?" he told me he'd had a clear vision of me behind a desk with books and papers, but not at the same job where i am now. the main thing is that i was happy. initially, he brushed it off and said to God "i don't want her to get fired". but after that came out of my mouth, he was amazed because he'd had a matching vision.
God, was that you talking to me?
since then, Ron has also had a dream in which my car has been stolen. i had a dream last night that i was on Washington and Lee's campus, but i was walking towards something in West Philly. i was on my break and only had a little time to get there. as i was walking briskly, i noticed several of my current co-workers walking in the opposite direction. then, someone stopped my brisk walk and asked, "have u ever considered soccer?" i said, "no. that takes alot of running and i'm not really a runner". the person replied, "you should really try it" and went about their business.
Ron keeps saying, "get ready" because whatever's about to happen is going to happen quickly. i feel the shift taking place in the atmosphere and can't quite put my finger on it...but change is coming quickly and i pray it's for the good.
i don't know where you are taking me God, but you keep telling me to not be fearful...
my solemn prayer for today and going forward is that you lead me and guide me. be with me. protect me. keep me. allow me to hear from you and KNOW it is you.
in Jesus' name.
amen.
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