i am overthinking it again.

start with this and move forward.

2014 is going to be an amazing and exciting year.

no limits or boundaries.

i'm looking forward to this set time for favor.

YC

but you prayed for patience...and longsuffering...and all of the fruits of the spirit right?

well....put it in your shoes...and walk it out Cokes....genuinely.

boom.

Sitting in the parking lot of the photography store feeling paralyzed... unworthy to go in.  Le sigh.

Lord.

There has got to be a better way.

Lord

Help!

Le sigh.

i got home and just tasted the wine in my mouth....

if only it was that easy to drown away foolishness with a drink or five.

le. sigh.

But I'm not frustrated! Lol.  Praise God because He is faithful!

I think I want to be frustrated right now....this makes absolutely no sense.

Sigh.

None.

To me, sometimes, there seems to be information overload.  The world is such that today, communication takes place just like that and the mediums to do so are numerous.  If you don't feel like using your words you can snap and post a picture or a video.  If that doesn't work for you then you can make a cartoon of yourself and refer to yourself (or your cartoon character alter ego.) in third person.  With such a blast of words, images, sounds, opinions, colors, etc. coming at you, the noise in your space sometimes becomes deafening.  Absolutely deafening.  To the point where you really don't want to hear anything anymore.  Or at least you don't want to hear what everyone else has to say.  As a growing artist, I think I have fallen victim to the deafening silence of all that's out there.  Sometimes my brain and my creative space become overcrowded by what everyone else is saying, doing, thinking, breathing, living....that there is little room for my own thoughts and creativity...not to mention that these things also compete with the Word of God.  I have to be honest with myself and say that if I don't submit this gift to God it will never give me anything.  

Make no mistake-I am still developing my own style....praying that God will enlarge my own creative capacity to think, conceptualize, and implement.  The seeds are there.  Right now however, I have all of these ideas floating around in my head that I just want to get out.  Then, I look at someone else's work on Facebook or Instagram and find myself doubting myself....and the seed.  What started off as a well-intentioned quest for inspiration devolved into a self-loathing pity session where I reckoned that I could never be as good as [fill in the blank with the name of some world-famous portrait artist].  We're not even talking money or business here.  We are talking self image.  Self esteem.  How do I esteem myself if every time I ask myself that question, it involves measuring myself up next to someone else?  Hmmm.  Food for thought.  

Did He not give to each man gifts as He pleased.  Am I not beautifully and wonderfully created and made in His image and in His likeness for The display of His splendor and His glory?  Who am I that He is mindful of me? I woke up this morning with two songs in my heart directly from Psalm 8.  Oh Lord, our Lord....how excellent is thy name in all the earth.  Then, David goes on to ask, "what is man that you are mindful of Him...the son of man that you visitest Him? 

I think that I more recently find myself asking...who am I.  Who am I?  God, who am I and why do you care about me?  I believe in the discovery to the answer, He is beginning to reveal Himself...and ultimately myself to my.  

What is man that you are mindful of Him?

Who is Yvonne that you care for her?  

You're God...and when I look at all the things that you have done....why exactly are you concerned about me?  What have you placed in me that I must now give to others?

This business...yes...it's a business.  And I believe that it will prosper beyond my wildest imagination.      I imagine that the growth of this is directly tied to my personal growth and development.  

So this weekend,  I'm shutting off the noise and the distractions.  I'm quieting down everything.  I'm not comparing myself to anyone else.  I'm going to Lexington in the autumn.  It's Young Alumni Weekend and it's my college's 5 year reunion.  I am going to take pictures of my friends.  And when they ask me about my photography I am going to be honest and say it's what I want to do.  I will also be honest and say...I haven't been doing it because I've been too busy comparing myself to other people.  

Those are my thoughts this morning.

Good day.

YC

Ugh

Learning to just let it go...even when you don't know what the heck is going on....

Help me Holy Ghost....for real...help me.

it's been two years since i decided to let go and allow God to work on me and through me....

what a two years it has been!

something different every day.

sometimes i have to admit that i've failed...and keep it moving.

just because i've failed does not make me a failure.

....and i need to get out of that mindset.

wisdom
creativity
freedom
compassion
family.

my five core values according to a quiz i just took.

it's the middle of the day and i'm twiddling my thumbs.  not that i don't have work to do...i'm just not that interested in doing it.

it's not hard work at all.  a couple of written proposals....content for our new website....

that's it.  i could bang it out in a few hours...and i will... but sitting at a desk all day...not my flow at all.

this evening i get to go out to a parent's night and PTA meeting.

wisdom
creativity
freedom
compassion
family

God, can i have a career that embodies all of those?

one in which i can share and impart wisdom and creativity you've given me.  one where i have the freedom to move about daily.  i can create my own schedule.  where i can travel liberally across the country and the world?  where i can use my gifts to be a blessing to someone else's life?  where i can spend time taking care of my family and my household, being a blessing to my husband and children?

certainly, i know this position is an open door....i guess i'll just walk through it and work while i wait upon you to renew my strength.

it's not hard....it's not hard at all.

YC

i didn't realize how early it is.

it's really early.

thank God for the start of a brand new day.

YC

you never really realize how much you're like your parents....until....you start doing things...like your parents.

i'm taking this life day by day and asking God to help me along the way.

Romans 8:1
Romans 8:28

yup.

that's where i am right now.

unbelief is at the core of it all.

i'm dry and i know it.

i've been sitting here for the past 5 hours working on this photography business and i still feel like i'm at square one.

flat.

running on empty.

if i was a car, i'd probably be sputtering right now, trying to make it to my destination.

underneath it all is unbelief.

i'm dry.

i'm dry because i don't pray in tongues.

i don't pray in tongues because i'm scared.

i'm scared because i don't want to get too close.

i don't want to get too close because i'll have to change.

i'll have to change because holiness to be a submitted vessel of God.

to be a submitted vessel of God, i have to believe that He is.

certainly i'm not at the point where i don't believe in His existence.....

maybe all of the above are just excuses.

i find myself drawing back from challenges these days.

i get mad at myself for observing from the sidelines.

as i hopped in the car today, i thought about how my greatest fear as a child was to be insignificant.

now, i find that fear manifesting itself in ugly ways.  self esteem.  self-consciousness.  defensiveness.  neediness. clinginess.  yet always walking around with a mask on because i would never want anyone to know that i desire for them to recognize me.

and sometimes i feel little.  sometimes i feel slighted....

random ramblings...i know.

i  guess i don't believe like i say i do, huh?

i have never read this entire quote until today.

what perfect sense it makes in the context of what i'm experience right now.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder what did I get myself into....

Walk with Christ.
Marriage.
Job.
Being an adult.
The whole nine.
Guess it's too late to go and traverse the rural villages in tye hills of Peru like Marcas.
That ship has long sailed.

.........

All things work together....

twenty six years ago, today, i was born on a grey island somewhere across the atlantic.

today,  here i am all grown up but not finished growing.

my husband is upstairs taking a shower.

my clock is set for six a.m. to convene with my Maker.

the A.C. is humming quietly....

and i am at peace.

thank You Lord for all You have done.

Happy Birthday my sweet sweet sweet love.  i pray to spend countless more with you.

7/15/2013. new chapter after the new chapter.

three weeks ago, i married the love of my life.

the day before, we bought a house.

the day after our honeymoon, we moved into that house.

last wednesday, we purchased a car.

today, i begin a new job.

the past month has gone extremely....extremely quickly.  it's almost been like a whirlwind and i've been swooped up in it.  i think it's going to take some time for me to thoroughly process all that has transpired and where i am today.

i arrived this morning at 8:00.  i slept better than i expected.  i woke up this morning.....calm.  tossed a little when i laid back down after prayer.  stalled a little in the bathroom.

this is the appropriate place for me.  i know that.  all of the pieces fit together.  this opportunity landed on my door step and i would have been silly not to take advantage of it.  absolutely silly.  no more 6:30 a.m. arrivals at work....in the building till 6:30 p.m.

i'm assuming that my new boss is on her way.  she's coming back from vacation today.  the NST is....buzzing?  i was greeted by Rebecca Vincent from HR.  she outfitted me with my new IPhone4.  i was informed that a new fob and ID are on their way. i'd like to sign into my e-mail but apparently there are issues with that.  soon and very soon.

i came in and saw my picture on an information flyer advertising the benefits of working for mastery.  wow.  i remember the photoshoot i'd completed at the end of my first year.  my hair was braided in the small individuals and the rest flowed down to my shoulders.  a sign?  perhaps.  perhaps.

there's already work awaiting Erin's return on her desk.  items for her to sign.  calls for her to return.  there's alot.  i suspect i'll be put to work soon and very soon.  soon and very soon.

several months ago, i asked God for both a spiritual and professional mentor. i pray that our working relationship is healthy and genial and that i learn MUCH from her.  i've never been in this position before.  this is my third job since i graduated by my first position outside of teaching.  its new.  i know there will be a learning curve. so i suppose i'll be rolling.

i have accepted the challenge and so here i am.

i'm a NSTer.

i'm not entirely certin what that means right now, but once i figure it out, i'll let you know.

YC

creative juices...

running dry right now.

need a muse.

Calm night. 20th and sansom. I'm almost 26.

I just got married.
I just purchased a home.
I just got a new job.

But what does it all really mean?

Tonight....feeling a bit disillusoned....not that's not the right word. More like...bloated....not physically but more like a sense of false satisfaction when ur still empty inside.  Like there's still more that u haven't tapped into. This isn't the American dream. I don't even think my dream is in America.

But I'm not supposed to feel like this, right?

I want to reinvent myself...but how does one shed the old when they don't even know what the old is? It seems as if life is happening to me and I'm being carries by the tides. Where is my agency? Or was that an illusion too?

Am i a bad Christian to admit that last month's circunstances left me with a bad taste in my mouth...a bewilderment that I'm having difficulty shaking?  I dare not say the things I think about but then again, God already knows my heart right? I'd be marked as ungrateful.

And they'd say I need more Jesus. Am I overthinking you God? Why can some people flow so freely in you and I'm so stunted? They'd say it was a spirit. Maybe I don't believe like they do. Maybe. This is an interesting crossroads to be at.

Being pushed. Not wanting to go back. Never quite sure what is in front of me. Not liking where I am currently. But then I don't want to look back and realize that I didn't enjoy what was, when it was. For there's a season for everything. This season is uncomfortable to say the least.

Enough of my ramblings.  I'm going to buy a coke and walk through the park.

i have been dreaming about our photographer for the past few nights.  much of the content is unclear....last night, another photographer from the D.C. area who i follow was more prominent in the dream. she just kept making mention of the other photographer.

and of course, this morning, when i wake up....there's an e-mail invoice from her asking for the remaining balance of nearly $3500.  we signed the contract and believed God that the need would be met by the time of the wedding.  technically, the need for a photographer and videographer was met (we had numerous friends and family who provided the service at the wedding for free), BUT at the time, we did not have the $3,500 to pay them.

they yelled and screamed and were frustrated.  the night before the wedding, i hung up the phone because they were yelling and screaming and frustrated in my ear.

so now they want their money and rightfully so because we signed the contract.

God, we stepped out on faith.

we will pay them.  we will pay them.  this too shall pass.

life is hard, but God is good.

YC

and sometimes things don't turn out the way we want.  but they they turn out the way they should.

i wanted to post a blog about my fears, frustrations, desires, blah, blah, blah...all of the anxieties i have in the first few weeks of marriage.

Lord help me.

but then, i watched the montage of our wedding and looked at some pictures.

we're stronger together than we were apart.  so whatever it is....we're bigger than that and we will make it.

"you proved my fantasy of love could really be...."

$35,000.

the wedding is paid for.

the house is paid for.

everything is paid for.

just like that.

God is TOO good.

praise the LORD!

And so this is what it has come to. Wow.

God you be glorified.

I'm going to take a nap now.

"are you excited?"
"big day's coming, huh?"
"can't wait right?"
"countdown."
"how many days?"

there are less than 7 at this point.

i will be married to the love of my life.

we will move into the next phase of our lives.

i am expecting God to move mightily on our behalf in the next seven days for we have sowed in faith.

there is no plan B.

in all of the hubub, i'd really want to take a moment to calmly reflect upon how far God has brought us these past two years.

two years ago...i was certainly not thinking about being in a relationship with Ron.  i was stuck with Bruce...miserable....overweight...suicidal....and hating my life.  yet, i was at Spirit and Truth, hearing the Word....living in sin...and uncomfortable as hell.  He was shaking those things that could be shaken so that what could not be shaken remained.

in october, Pastor Steph prayed for me.  the next weekend, i began falling in love...like real love....like love that i'd never felt before....not even for him the first time around.  it only took two weeks to know it was real.

and by november, i uttered the words that it took me almost 6 years to say.  "I love you".  he told me i was going to be his wife.  i knew.  we thought we were going to do a quick ceremony the next july before our birthdays.  bishop pulled me to the side and told me to give him some time to develop.  and the Holy Spirit told Ron that He was going to prepare him quickly for the things He had in store.

Ron proposed on March 9th.  we began counseling the wednesday prior.  we've continued.  stayed.  prayed.  persevered.  been dilligent.  fasted.  sowed.  given.  fallen.  and we've been redeemed by the blood countless times.

His grace and mercy are real and we have been the beneficiaries of it too many times to count.  so now, here we are.

next week by this time, we will be married.

i will be Yvonne Simms.

Yvonne Ekundayo Simms

YES.

there is no plan B.  trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your own understanding...in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.

God.  i'm standing.

we've come this far by faith
leaning on the Lord
trusting in His Holy Word
He never failed me yet
oooooHoooHHHooHHH
can't turn around
we've come this far by faith.

and that is the truth.  can't turn around now because there's nowhere else to turn.

so i'm just leaning on the Lord.

there is no plan B.  we're in it now.

and He will not put us to shame.

next week by this time, i'll be married....come HELL or high water.  and i know that hell is going to try to break loose.  but Satan is bound....and He's mad.

i plead the Blood of Jesus over us.  we are covered.  the gates of hell shall not prevail against us for upon us is Christ trying to build His church.  and we have overcome Satan by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony that Jesus Christ is Lord.

HALLELUJAH.

This must have been how Abraham felt when God told him to take Isaac up to be sacrificed.

#raminthebush is on its way.

Jesus.

Don't Count Me Out

Woke up with this song in my spirit....

There's a king in me
Goliaths to defeat
Visions to decree
It's my destiny
Don't count me out

cynthia's right...i'm not doing this ever again.

one time and one time only.

so if i only get one...why not make it right?

Lord....this is COMPLETELY out of my hands.

have Your way and meet every need exceedingly and abundantly above all that we can ask or think according to the power that's working in me.

so we wait patiently KNOWING that you're going to do EVERYTHING YOU PROMISED.

because He who promised is FAITHFUL and shall do it.

we've have sown in faith.  we're tithe givers and never withold from You what is Yours.

WOOO!  Expecting GREATNESS!
in Jesus' name.

when we have a daughter and she gets married, she won't have to go through this.

she'll have someone there to foot the bill and to go with her to pick out the little things...like a veil or a garter.

so when the spirit of discouragement comes upon me, i have to bind it and remember that we are laying the foundation for generations to come.  our union is laying the foundation for an inheritance to be left behind for future generations of our family....we are the building blocks....

we are the building blocks.

and its getting tight.

real tight.

don't like the melody of that maurette brown clark (clark brown...whatever her name is) song, but the lyrics are real right now...

the harder it get, the harder i praise, i know...my victory is on the way....and it's in my praise.

faith stretched like it's never been stretched before.

but all things really do work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

it's hard but i can't give up.

funny thing is...i know there will be more difficult things ahead if this is only the first test.  greater things we will have to believe for.  greater miracles.  greater healings.  greater works.

so this is the measure of what we have been tested with initially.  that only means greater is to come.

and chains shall be broken.

i generational curses shall be lifted.

and the yoke shall be destroyed because the annointing....

just have to remember to count it all joy....

it shall pass and we shall be on the other side of the turbulent river, able to look back at what we walked across by faith.

YC

I have less than a month to be married.

And I just had chicken fingers and french fries.

Whaaaaaaat am I doing with my life?

YC

i feel like i'm being left out there right now.

meeehhhh....whatever.

I've had too much today....

Guess ill start agaim tomorrow.

#sigh

aaaannndddd one more.

i don't usually do this but....my style icon....along with Michelle Obama.  i'm like 1/3 Michelle, 1/3 Kerry, and 1/3 Olivia Pope (style...not all of the other foolishness!)

http://photos.essence.com/galleries/style-evolution-kerry-washington

I guess she didn't like the pictures.

Art is so personal.  It's a part of me because I created it. Guess I won't try to take it personally.

Oh well. On to the next, right?

YC

There are things that are about to happen, places where I'm about to walk, positions that I'm about to take, territories that I'm abiut to possess.  The intial feeling of being overwhelemed tries to rise up in my gut, but the Holy Spirit says be like Mary.  When He told her she was with child without having been with a man, she said be it unto me even as you have spoken it.

So Lord. Not my will be done but yours Lord.  I am about to become a wife and a mother.  I am being positioned for greatness.  For my destiny. For it has been prophesied that there is great grace upon my life. Great grace means great callings.  O Lord that I may rekain rooted and grounded in you as Christ is bring formed in me.  For I do not want to be the gifted unsubmitted but I want to be sumbitted to your will and your way. Let me discern now how you want to use me. In Jesus' name.

Amen.

And u know.

All in all, this has been a good week. Taxing...but good. Im all the better for it.

Onward.  Onward.  Onward.

Time to put away the macbook

And do...u know...work.

and here i am once again...at a crossroads...

40 minutes...

2 presentations to develop and deliver...

and i'm sitting here staring at photo portrait blogs....

Lord....

sigh.

doors.

let me get to work.

when you know better, you do better.

i knew better.  i didn't do better.

this one is for The Blood of Jesus.

for real.

Step One Down

Next step:

Demo lesson.

Onwards and upwards.

grace and mercy.

I got this cuz God has me.

Let's go.

had a dream last night in two parts....

the first part, it was night time....i'm not sure if ron and i were yet married but i wanted to be close to him.  his room was still on the second floor of his house....the bottom however, was flooded...there were torrential rainstorms everywhere.....all that was left was an old couch for me to lay upon and wait for him to come down....i'm not sure if he came down or if i went up but we held each other....we were cold and naked...but we held each other....

the next part of my dream was at the funeral (that i did not attend on saturday).....someone one eulogizing him....i remember at first being in the audience....and then the pastor said "that's why we call up the prophets and pastors...."...and so all of the prophets and pastors got up out of the audience and came to the front.  and i walked up there with them....his mother was on the right of the casket being comforted by elder monica....pastor thomas got up and began praying in tongues...

then i look up and see sekou sitting in the casket....just looking at me....with those sekou mischevous eyes....

and then i woke up...

and then it was 4:57 (three minutes before i was supposed to get up and pray)...

and then i started praying.

YC

Ugh

That is all.

Quick to forgive...

That's what I am. In Jesus' name I claim it.

#longsufferthesaints

You said you would never leave me, nor would you forsake me.

Sigh.

I wont say I feel lonely...

But I do feel like the closest friend ive had all of my life isnt here to help me celebrate.

So I try to compensate and fill in the gap with other things and other people but the counterfeit just aint real.

I don't want to go corset shopping or shoe shopping by myself or with my.fiancee.

I want my best friend back.

Sigh.

there are many things that distinguish them from me.

many things that distinguish me from them.

raw talent must be honed.  and worked.  and harvested.  and groomed.  and developed.

so there are many things that distinguish me from them.

many things that distinguish them from me.

in other news...

we're moving close towards the wedding.  closer towards marriage.

resolved:  i will stay saved.  flesh been trying to act up lately.  i now know the meaning of flee.  i know that only the pure in heart shall see God...and that, above all, is my mission.  so Holy Ghost help me.

finished this 3 week Daniel fast.  brought out some foolishness in me....that's gotta go too.  but everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving i'm making my requests known to God and the peace that passeth understanding is guarding my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

we've resolved to postpone the house search and get an apartment for a year.  i'd rather not purchase a home that I marginally like or settle something simply because i feel rushed.  i did that with my car (which i really regret) and i don't want to do something like that with a larger price tag.  if we have to come home to it EVERY DAY...i'd like to enjoy what we've invested in....

i kind of feel like i'm biding time right now...waiting expectantly and patiently for the Lord to do what He said  He was going to do.

*fabulous*

i have an interview for the Network Community Engagement Manager position in less than two weeks.

help me Lord.

otherwise, things are moving along quite nicely.

YC

it's almost monday...

which means 

it's almost april 15th...

which means....

that in about 7 days, we will be 2 months away....

the needs are already met...exceedingly and abundantly above all that i can ask or think according to the power that's working in me.

in Jesus' name.

amen.

goodnight.

YC

Jesus.

They say you're not real.

They say you didn't walk the Earth.

They say you're just a fairy tale.

I don't believe that.  I believe that you are real.  I believe that you were sent for me.  I believe that you healed, delivered, and cast out demons.  I believe that you were God in a human's form.  I believe that you overcame death by the power of the resurrection.

Everyone else...everything else is a lie.

Goodnight.

Yvonne

resolved:  i need another job.....

i need ANOTHER job.

teaching.

i
am
so
over
it.

boom.

Jesus.

My smoke alarm just went off for 10 minutes even though no one's here and there's no smoke. Melissa is at John's house and the downstairs nekghbor isnt cooking anything. I am running neither washer, dryer, or ac/gas.

YC

Those demons want to come back....

Glory.

Honor.

Praise.

God you deserve it and I feel so far from you right now because everything and everyone is competing for my attention right now.

Some moments I struggle to think straight...but this to shall pass.

Today I seriously contemplated calling the entire wedding off....not the marriage. The wedding. City hall. Simple white dress. Suit. Georgetown cupcakes. Simple dinner. Honeymoon. Life.

Because we can do that on our own....without faith in anyone but ourselves. Easy. Quick. Without a stir.

This gift of faith is something else.

Ugh.

This fast is stripping me down and making me confront how selfish I am. I knew I was selfish but now I'm convicted when I do or say selfish things. I don't want to be that way. So let me practice giving.

Let me practice what had been preached.

we are not crazy to believe that you are God and that you're going to do this.

we have stuck our necks all the way out there.  we will do so even more when these invitations go out.

i guess this when binding and loosing comes into play.

there have been two houses we have looked at, liked, and lost because we haven't acted on them, one of which we just saw last weekend.

i don't want to have to settle and pay for something that i kind of like...or that was last moment because we didn't make a decision quickly enough.

i'm not into taking scraps.

i need a dress for the wedding.  as of right now, there are less than three months and the fabric for my dress is not yet purchased.......nor have measurements been taken....thus, i have not purchased shoes, veil, accessories, undergarments because i have no idea what the dress is going to look/feel like

we need a home to live in.....

when it's all said and done, we need $55,000.

i keep hearing that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous and that there will be a transfer of wealth.

be it unto me Lord just as You said it.

so this is just the test of faith.

Abraham waited and trusted for years before God actually did what He said He was going to do.  we don't really have years....we've got 78 days left.

78 days.

78 days left.

one step at a time.

78 days left.

but with faith and patience He obtained the promises.

with faith and patience....

faith and patience....

faith and patience.....

Psalms 37:34

³⁴ 
so this morning, this is what i cling to.....i will not complain.  what's the point?

Hope in the Lord
    and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
    when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

I have been mentally checked out aince this morning. Time to check back in the game.

Pride, jealousy, envy, selfishness, anger, self-righteousness....

My heart is desperately wicked...who can know it?

Everything (except the Holy Ghost in me) wants a piece of chicken right now.

I guess there's a whole lot of other shit in me, huh?

Chicken it is.  Fried.

Good night.

I'm learning.

Thank You and you for grace.  Because Lord knows I dont always get it right.

Goodnight.

march and snow and spring break

woke up to the morning flurries.

well...no...woke up to someone having an argument in the middle of the street...sounds like someone was getting kicked out the house....

woke up to a text message from the girl saying she wouldn't have the deposit until april14th....

hmm...thank God i wasn't depending on that money for anything.

woke up to prayer....binding and loosing...

woke up to anticipation...

there are less than three months...

this is a week off...but it still feels like a busy week...

this week, i'd like to accomplish:

-my section of the application for the charter school+ data aggregation
-a photoshoot with Shinaya Tuesday evening...
-horticulture center and Michaels with Jameelah
-Skype with Cynthia
-purchasing invitations from smartpress
-breakfast with Pastor Thomas
-passing out flyers at least once
-skating party

i would have loved to go home...but sometimes...things just don't work out.  atlantic city is...ln't on the radar...i just don't have a penchant for walking around in the cold.  maybe when it gets warmer....

snow flurries falling from outside of my window....

crazy hair....post worship....looking kind of tired.

Thank God for rest.

and of course...

three months to the day of my wedding....my period starts....

what.the.hell?

Three months.

Three months.ths until I am his wife.

Pondering many things this morning and praying for the peace that passeth all understanding.

Maybe I will go take that $20 trip to AC after all.

And one of these days soon, I'll be taking early morning flights somewhere to take photos. But for this spring break, im content with someone else driving to jersey.

Amen.

like....

apart of me wants to be overwhelmed right now...but i really can't.  i have less than 12 days to get this data into this application that must be submitted on April 1st.  Jesus.

i'm so freaking tired.  it's not a game. 

i need a full body massage.  a manicure.  a pedicure.  my eyebrows done...

and hibernation for like two days.

no lie.

my brother is 11.  i look at the way he clings to my mother.  in many ways, he's a mother's boy.  i can't blame him or her however....they have each other and they have God.  i know that God will make up the difference for the lack of strong male presence in his life.

i don't remember being that attached to my mother.  not at 11 anyway....maybe at five or six....i remember there being a gradual pulling away and then there was really no connection at all...an artificial one....a space there....

really a space between me and both of my parents...

i kind of just....grew up.  thank God that He was leading me and guiding me along the way because i was vulnerable to ALOT.  i'm thankful that the situations i did find myself in didn't completely do me in.

because at 11, i was at home by myself in the evenings....my father worked all day long...we were sleeping on the roach infested floor of an apartment that was down the street from our house....

at 10 i stopped being a child....i didn't have time to cling to other people...because people needed to cling to me...and so i developed my stolid exterior...and my togetherness...and my very adult-like nature even in with the body of a child....and no one was there to teach this adult-like girl how to be a woman...and so i stumbled and fumbled my way through....trying to look like i had it all together.

so when i see my brother clinging to my mother...i don't really feel jealousy.  i know he'll grow up to be fine.  i just realize that even though we come from the same womb...we walk different paths.  mine has shaped me into the person i am today....and i'm ok with that.

and i don't really know if i'll ever be physically close with my mother.  that's ok too.  i honor her.  i am thankful for her.  we can have conversations and laugh.  she is the woman who bore me and gave me life.

the healing will manifest itself in my relationship with my daughter.  because i will be a mother unto her and she won't have to endure what i did.  i'll teach her how to be a woman.  i'll show her how to be strong by my example.

redemption will be complete.

amen.

Jesus.

no one who puts their trust in your name Lord will be put to shame.

crazy parents.

sense of entitlement.

these are the life lesson's we're teaching our kids.

i don't quite understand.

how do you get your money back when your child acts a nutty fool?  if i, as an adult, don't do what i'm supposed to do...i don't quite get the right to complain or believe that i am entitled to what i have not earned.  why don't these children realize that there are consequences for their actions?  i don't get it....why should they be expected to enjoy something when they haven't behaved properly....

if i did what some of these students had done...i'd be scared to even go home to my parents...because they wouldn't blame the school...THEY'D BLAME ME!

if anything, your wrath should be taken out on them and not on us....

God...i just wanted to plan a meaningful experience for these students...i may not have gotten it perfect along the way, but you know my intentions...and this was not one of them...

protect me from my enemies and let them see the error in their ways....

in Jesus' name i ask.

amen.

rainy tuesday morning and music.

i heard singing this morning...pitch perfect...like the voice of an angel (well, rather, like the voice of Beyonce...don't judge my life)...but it was clear...every note was sharp and distinct....but it was like the music was coming from me...

i've prayed for God to give me songs to sing to Him...to worship Him...

language.....heavenly communication...

if I delight myself in you, you will give me the desires of my heart.

give me the desires of your heart.  please.

because clearly, i don't even know what to ask for sometimes.

i don't want the desires of someone else's heart.  is someone else's path to greatness my path to obscurity?  am i just a punk for not following my own dreams?  are my own dreams not even real?  is that why they're just dreams?  is what i'm doing just a path to my own dreams?

like...these are real questions that i think about.

reminding myself of the vision

this is what we have been praying for.  so when i pay off my tithes and my bills and have a little left to my name....this is what i fall back on.

Lord, help me to manage the small that I do have.  There have been several times during this process when the enemy would try to get into my head...."Just think about all the money you could have saved if you didn't tithe or give your Bishop an offering....just think about all of the money you would have"....but i can't even stop if i tried.  it's not right.  it wouldn't honor you.  plus, when all else fails and i think i don't have faith, i remember the fact that i will NOT stop tithing and that's a sign that my faith is still strong.  because God, you said that you would open up the windows of heaven and pour me out a blessing that i would not have room enough to receive.  you said that you could do exceedingly and abundantly above all that i could ever ask or think according to the power that's working in me.  God You promised that if i made my requests known unto You with prayer and thanksgiving, that the peace that passed all understanding would guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.  You said that if i opened up my mouth and told my mountains of circumstances to be removed, that I would have it if I believe.  

so in the tithe and the offering, i will be faithful.  and i will remember that my faith has not and will not fail me.  because You will rebuke the devourer.  You do miracles.  You created the heavens and the earth...by faith. 

i admit and repent because i've been  frustrated when i look at other people who are not honoring you with their bodies...their lives...their talents.  they have extraordinary wealth and can make things happen on their own.  we are serving You and being faithful to You.  so i do receive comfort when You say that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous.  no good thing will you withhold from those who walk upright before you.
e
it's march.  our wedding is in june.  people are asking for their money.  we knew we couldn't pay for it on our own accord when we signed the contracts.  so we signed the contracts by faith, knowing that you are not a man that you should lie.  we sowed seeds in faith, knowing that you are our only source for this.  we went to look at houses in faith...knowing that you were the only one who could make this happen.  so yes...it's march.  and our wedding is in june.  

and this is why our faith is growing in substance everyday.  God I thank you in advance for how you're going to show yourself mightily in the name of Jesus.

1. EVERY BILL/NEED/FINANCIAL OBLIGATION CONCERNING OUR WEDDING, RECEPTION, HONEYMOON, AND NEW LIVING SITUATION WILL BE MET ON TIME!!!!!!!!!!!  WE WILL WALK DOWN THE AISLE WITHOUT ANY DEBT OR FINANCIAL OBLIGATION FOR THIS WEDDING OR HONEYMOON OR LIVING SITUATION! You get the glory out of this day. Seriously. When people ask, "WOW, this is beautiful...how much was it?" or "How did you do all of this????"...the ONLY thing that I can say is "God did ALL of this...it was none of our doing....but we relied solely upon Him and He was faithful to us....".  This wedding will be so glorious in it's splendor to the natural eye that even unbelievers will know that OUR GOD IS REAL. 

2. You be in the midst of the wedding.  Allow our wedding to change lives.  Have your way with our family members and friends in attendance because You will be in the midst...in the sanctuary and in the reception.

3. The Holy spirit will keep us sexually celibate and pure during our courtship until our wedding night.  This means, no verbal or physical gestures or insinuations, no time spent alone in each other's houses, no lingering in enclosed spaces by ourselves.  Also, this means no masturbation.

4. We will have a wedding coordinator who is organized, prompt, thorough, and enthusiastic to work with us.  The coordinator(s) will have an artistic eye and will help solidify the artistic vision of the ceremony and reception by adding personal and stylish touches in line with the bride's own.  The coordinator(s) will work smoothly with the church and reception personal as well as all vendors, eliminating all stress from the bride and groom during the process and on the wedding day.  With finite detail and expertise, they will help plan the wedding to a tee so that execution takes place flawlessly and seamlessly and transition between process coordinators and day of executors will be smooth.

5. I will have a beautifully tailored dress and accessories that fits me perfectly in terms of size and style made with fine materials and expertise.

6. Ron will be a dapper, and well-groomed STUNNING groom who epitomizes style in his custom fit, exquisitely tailored suit, complete with appropriate and equally stunning accessories.

7. We will have a stunning and personalized ceremony that is executed on time.  The design and the florals (by Vito at Carl Alan Florals) will be impeccably created.  The ceremony will include personal touches about our relationship from the decor to Bishop's inclusion of us when he discusses the marriage covenant. 

8.  All those family and friends invited WILL  travel safely to Philadelphia to attend the wedding and reception without difficulty and will have enough money to cover their travel and lodging expenses.

9. There WILL BE peaceful and loving interaction between all members of the bridal party AND between all of our family members and friends.

10. The weather WILL BE BEAUTIFUL complete with the sun shining, cool and comfortable temperatures, no humidity, and no rain. 

11. Latasha and Isaiah Haynes will be our  photographer and videographer that capture our love superbly and artistically, creatively and beautifully telling and preserving our story through their lenses.

12. We will host one formal reception at the Horticulture Center in Fairmount Park beginning at 6 with a cocktail hour and hors d'oeuvres and 7 with dinner and dancing.
13. The wedding decor at the ceremony and reception sites will be elegant and romantic, and reflect that of a romantic tropical evening.  We will have candles, brightly colored exotic flowers creating a beautiful, stylish, and elegant atmosphere for our guests.

14.  We will have extremely tasty food at our cocktail hour and reception!

15. The formal reception will be FUN for all invited, including much dancing and celebrating our new nuptials!  There will be laughter, joy, fun, celebration, and love up until the VERY END and we will be able to spend time enjoying our friends and family who came out to celebrate us.

16. We will have an unforgettably excellent experience on our honeymoon in a beautiful location with word class amenities, during which we will: make love and explore each other under the sanctity of our sacred marriage covenant; relax and enjoy VACATION; engage in activities we've never done before; spend time alone, getting to know one another again and cherishing our new life together. (Longest, and probably most incorrect sentence ever!)

17. Upon return from our honeymoon, we will begin settling into our newly purchased home that is suitable for our needs as a newly married couple and will allow us to grow into our next stage in life.  We will have favor with mortgage lenders and even on the price of the home.  We will have already moved both of our belongings into this home before the wedding and honeymoon so that, upon returning, we can focus solely on settling into it.

I just want to get there, so that I can enjoy it and move on.

Life is so much more.

so i'm sitting here watching this first episode of "The Bible"...besides little quirks, it serves to remind me of how much faith the fathers of the old testament had.

abraham...pretty much uprooted his whole family and traveled to this new land based upon God's word.  he was willing to sacrifice the one thing God had promised him just knowing that God would not forsake him.

the Red Sea OPENED for Moses with an entire army behind him....talk about a tight situation....but that's where faith becomes real...

tight situations...that's where faith becomes real.

and so...the situation is tight.  by faith we have the money....but we can't see it yet.

i look around....others are doing it their own way...the worlds way....we want to honor you with our lives...with our marriage....surely God will open up a window of heaven and pour us out a blessing that we will not have room enough to receive.

that is what He promised....that was His Word to us.  and if was ask and believe that we have what we ask for...if it is in His will....then we have it.

so we have it.  it is ours.

thank you Lord.

thank you.

It's only

Tuesday...

Keep calm and try not to nod off.

today

this morning, i woke up.  found it difficult to pray.  i admit, i went back to sleep like i've been doing for the past several months....

had a foul dream in which i was engaged in some inappropriate sexual activity...but before i could fully engage in the activity, pastor sheila snatched me up and began to lay hands on me and pray for me.

then i woke up.

this afternoon, immediately after my last class dismissed, a young man dressed in blue slacks, a white shirt, and tie came in.  he looked familiar.  tall.  slender.  he asked if he could speak with me.  i told him to hold on while i worked with one of my students.  after she left, i approached him.  he said..."i don't know if you remember me but you spoke to me in October 2011...."....

and then it dawned on me....i remember that evening too.  he used to work for our school's cleaning crew.  one night in october 2011, we were on the elevator together and i noticed he looked down.  i asked him what the matter was and he told me life was overall crappy.  he looked depressed.  he didn't have enough money to go back to drexel so he was working this job just to make ends meet.

we got off the elevator....

but the Holy Spirit told me to go back and just give him some words of encouragement.  i told him that no matter what the situation looked like, it was going to be ok.  i told him not to worry.

shortly thereafter, i saw him again....i think Ron and I had gone downtown or to old city...and i saw him...this time, being handcuffed and placed in the back of a police vehicle.  he said he wasn't in trouble.  that he had temporarily lost his mind and asked the police to help him.

he now works in a coffee shop in germantown.  he wanted to stop down at the school to see me.   he hasn't been able to get back to school, but he told me he's planning on taking the tests to become an officer in Delaware County.

i invited him to church on Sunday.  he said he's Muslim but he would like to come anyway.

interesting.  God....what?

ok.

Lord. You know the desires of my heart.

Thank You.

Praise Him

Maaaaannnn...

You just get to a point when you say "God, your will be done."

Innocence revealed
Innocence renewed
Everytime I look into your eyes
That penetrate my innermost thoughts
You say, "I feel you."
I say, "I know."
And yes. I do know.
And you know too.

Sometimes...u just gotta pray.

Seriously.

Just pray.

My period has been such a struggle these past two days. Just woke up from a dream where I was fasting for two weeks from outside purchased food. All of my food was either raw or I prepared it at home.

Lord. Let that commence today.

I never ever want to say goodbye....

All of our conversations, all of your sweet pages...they're never lorbg enough...

A gift from...Yvonne

this is feeling in me can't be defined....

i know
and
you know
it's real
i know we write love songs
words that rhyme
in melody and time
i've been loving you so very long
this feeling in me
can't be defined....
no one
no one's gonna love me
i can search the whole world and never find you
i'm sticking with you

this is just to be vulnerable and transparent.

God.  It is my sincere desire to have friends.  i don't need many.  just a few good ones.  women my age who love the Lord and will support me in my quest for You. Women in whom I can confide and will help me with this walk.  a sister in Christ.

someone who will come over and take walks with me.  someone who will trade recipes with me and bake cookies with me.  someone who will watch my kids when ron and i want to have a date night.

i know that all things work together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose.  and yes i love you.  and yes i am called according to your purpose.

so this time is a time to be this way.

so this time is a time of preparation.

perhaps if you gave me a sister, i wouldn't even know what to do with her.  how to treat her.  how to love her.

so i ask, knowing that you are able to provide and no good thing will you withhold from those who walk upright before you.  i walk upright before you.  so hear me.

and sometimes, this process of shedding off the old stings.  i am reminded on nights like this even though there is no one physically around...You are always present.  and i am thankful.  and i know you hear my prayer.

thank you.

Yvonne

learning what it means to stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.

because everyone is watching to see what we're going to do?  whether or not we're crazy?  what kind of faith is this.

thursday morning, i woke up straight praising God and speaking because i believe now....not only do i believe but i understand where we've been (study-wise) and why we've had to go there.

i heard, "by the power vested in me, i now pronounce you man and wife".  only someone who has been ordained has the authority to pronounce what God wants (marriage).  if you don't have the authority, those words are in vain.  Bishop on Wednesday night preached that because of this breakthrough fast, we have the authority TRULY because of what Jesus has already done.  however, he had to preach on faith as preparation for the breakthrough because if you don't believe that you have authority, how can you exercise it?  that is why the Word says, "we believe, therefore we speak".  we have been given the keys to the kingdom.....whatever we say, will come to pass.....we have the authority and that is why the enemy has been fighting so hard to come against our face...(for the kingdom of God suffers violence, but the violent take it by force)....we have the authority and because of that, we have the right to take what the enemy is trying to snatch away from us....but that's the thing...he can't do it, so he'll try to make it seem like it doesn't belong to us.  if you don't believe it belongs to you, you'll never have what God intends for you.  WOW.

back to my wedding example.  the officiant has to pronounce.  they have to make a proclamation.  they have to open their mouth and declare and decree the the union is so.  if they don't do that, there is no union.  nothing exists.  that person has been given the authority, and because of that, they are charged to pronounce that two people are becoming one.  so just like the officiant, we have been given authority in the heavenly realms above all the power of the enemy.  and because we believe it, we speak it.  we declare and decree it because it is so.  we loose and we bind because it is so.

Kinda feel like other stuff (business) is on the backburner.....

Bleh.

Just keep going and work whats in my hand now.

Guess that's my fault.

psalm 116.

Comparison is the death of contentment. So why do I find myself doing it so often?

Im 25....ive done alot...buy I dont want to peak at 25....there has to be wayyyyy more than this...

And sometimes I feel....blah...it doesnt matter what I feel....the kingdom of Gkd doesnt run on sentiment but on power. And thats that.

i am truly blessed of the Lord.

He is good and his mercy endures forever.

who am i that He is mindful of me?

rainy days.

rainy rainy rainy rainy rainy days.

rainy dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys.   rainy rainy rainy rainy rainy rainy rainy rainy rainy days.........

rainy rainy rainy rainy.

my body wants to crawl under some warm sheets.  be wrapped up in warmth.  and fall asleep.

powering through until four o'clock and hoping that Tann can take this stuff to Naeemah's house.  when i get home...i just want to sleep.

Gonna grab a bite to eat and sit on the drive in silence.

whew.

Jesus.

Phillippians 4:4-9

guard my heart and my mind today Lord.  please.

the day has now begun.  let's go conquer.

YC

God smiled on me when He chose you to be mine...how can i define these thoughts of mine...before i say "i......"? "I Do" by T. Daval

before i say "i...."

yes indeed.

God has really blessed me beyond what i could ever imagine.  i remember when Pastor Steph prayed for me...."a man who will knock your socks off..."....

well...that's what God gave me and much more.

last night, we bowled.  had dinner.  spent time in each other's company.  a cool date night.

and i looked into his eyes and he professed his love for me...like he does everyday...he professed that he would not stop...that i had not seen anything like it....the world has never seen anything like it....

the world has never seen anything like it.

Im looking at the calendar at july 29, 2013 thinking how much different it's going to be. How much different it's going to be from july 29, 2011...from july 29, 2012....so much more different. So....wow.

Dont u feel this shifting thats taking place? So many wonderful things about to take place.

Wow.

Pulling those thoughts into captivity and making them obey Jesus Christ.

I just want more of Your word so my mind will be just like Jesus'.  And I thank You Lord that my thoughts are covered by the Blood of Jesus and even though im not perfect You still love me. Holy Spirit help me mind. Renew me in the spirit of my mind. Help me not to be conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of my mind.

Help me. Please.

Man oh man. Oh man. Ill just go to sleep now. For real.

Sometimes, it is good to just sit in silence.

Selah.

Father.

sometimes you just have to let some things be.

i'm going to bed at peace.

good night world.

:-)

But what is it to kiss you?
But what is it to touch you?
But what is it to feel you?
But what is it to taste you?
But what is it to desire you?
But what is it to melt for you?
But what is it to long for you?
Without the promise of your love?
Because I feel the devotion of your heart
Sincere, pure, and potent
Pulling me towards you and
Gently unfolding back the layers
Of the woman I claim to be.
But you.
You warm me externally and
Inside too there is something that
You have done
To expose the truth.
The vulnerabilty of exposure
Does not threaten but just shows that
I've longed to be protected.
And that's what you want go do.
And so I will let you
Ease your way in with the least resistance
Because I am open
And as you come in
Let my warmth overtake you
Feel at home in here
Dont move
Pulsing flesh encapsulates you
And all of you begins to move to the same beat.
Two become one
You're grafted in.
This is only the start.
So welcome and
Be at home
In my heart.

Because right now I need to get a whole grip on my mind. I need to be  renewed in the spirit of my mind.

I desire control over my thoughts. They are all over the place right now. Strongholds that im allowing the enemy to occupy.

Time to set the reset button.

Ugh.

Sometimes u just need to be quiet.

And thats what I did yesterday...

So yes...this is the fast that You have chosen for me?

Did I not ask you to reveal in me those things that are not pleasing to You?

It is Wednesday.

Lets proceed.

Thank You for grace and mercy. New every single morning.

This time.

I often dream about being in your arms.
I often find myself remembering your scent.

My nostrils inhaling your essence.

The oil of your skin.

Take in your manly presence.

But I know that as the flame becomes a fire.

To wait for you is a present.

A very gift from God...

That He should be pleased when

We finally meet.

Again.

because on days like this...i know there has to be something more than what i'm doing right now...

let me be thankful...and with prayer and supplication make my requests known unto God.

this work bores me....coming here every morning bores me....but it pays my bills...

Lord, help me not to be stuck on this wheel forever....because this isn't life.

and please don't make it seem as if i'm not grateful....

show me myself and what i can do to make it better.  what can i do to love this?  can i choose to love this?

ugh.

ugh.

ugh.

ugh.

*looks out the window*

praise God from whom ALL blessings flow.

for the Lord is good and His mercy endureth forever.

and so how fitting it is that 2013, the best year of my life yet, would begin in church and end in the comfort of my bed...alone and at peace with hope.

in 2012, i learned much and realized there is so much more left to be done.  2013 will be the year of foundation and establishment.  a year of great favor in all that i do.  i am thankful for this season.  we are walking into our season.

power.

prosperity.

all because of greater time spent in His presence.  thank you Lord for what you are about to do.

arise and shine for your light has come!

thank you that the light will be seen upon me.  your glory will be seen upon me.

Father, thank you.

you have made all things new.

ALL THINGS new.

all things.

thank you.  thank you.  thank you.

YC