I had a dream last night.  Lol.  Not like Dr. King.  A real dream last night whose characters indicate to me that I probably need to slow down on my television consumption.  Otherwise....

I was running, leaping, and jumping for joy in the dream.  I was filled with so much joy, excitement, hope about the future.  There was no fear in me at all.  I was literally doing cartwheels and I don't even know how to do a stinkin' cartwheel.  I laughed so much in the dream I feel like I was laughing aloud in my sleep.

I don't remember the last time I laughed like that.  Freeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!  I think I'd like to do that soon.

YS

...and i keep reminding myself that God is sovereign.

i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting on You Lord.
i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting
i don't mind waiting on You Lord.

that is all.

God...there's so much I want to do. So much that needs to be done.  So much in me.  I need your grace like never before. Please.

I often don't get it right.  When I do,  I know it's only because of you.  When I get it wrong,  help me to learn, humble myself, move forward, not making the same mistakes again.

i could choose to focus on how physically drained i feel.  i could.
i could choose to focus on how livid i was yesterday.
i could choose to focus on how i felt like a pure afterthought on a weekend when love was supposed to be celebrated.
i could choose to remember how it used to be.

or i could choose to forgive and figure out what i need to do better.

yup.  for sanity's sake, i'll choose the latter.

I can't get what I don't give.

I can't reap what I do t sow.

Right?

Boom.

up late (or early if you will).  my first period since before pregnancy is here and it's hitting me sideways.  i'm not really crampy...moreso i have this super sharp pain on the right side of uterus that feels like someone is digging in it.

not feeling that at all.

monday evening is my model recruitment meeting.  i hope to have at least 10 girls, with 3 being from non-Mastery schools.  i'm excited...not really nervous...just ready to get this thing going.

i'm thinking about transitioning to another blog.  i want to purchase my domain name www.yvonnesimms.com

i think the ibuprofen is settling in.

time to go to sleep.

YS

Tomorrow, I am scheduled to go to the doctor and get an IUD inserted. This could stop y ability to conceive for the next 10 years.

I want to have another baby.  I would like to do so before I'm 30.  I have no desire to be raising children into my 50s.  My husband is on the fence about having another child and I don't blame him.  We are technically still newlywed a and we are also new parents.  I am starting a new business.  Ron has been in his new position at the bank for less than a year.  We are about to buy a new house.  lord knows we don't have time right now for another baby.

However, I am open to the possibility of more.

I am not sure if I am going to go through with tomorrow's procedure.  I have never been comfortable with taking hormone contraceptives.  I am not sure if I am ok with having a foreign object stuck in me...no matter how "sure" of a device it is.

Bleh.  Decisions decisions.

God--

I confess that I have been wrapped up in the "how".  I need grace to receive the grace you said you're giving out this season.  I don't know how this is going to get done.  Every time I think about this I get stuck.  Stuck stuck stuck.

I kinda feel like I stepped into that really deep water out on faith....I might be sinking just a little bit...of course I've taken my eyes off You.  You said you are the author and the finisher of my faith.  You began this work in me...You promised to complete it....

God, I am anxious about where all of the money is going to come from.  I am anxious about over promising and under-delivering.  I am anxious right now that my heart and mind are so freaking overwhelmed.  I need new equipment...I need more training on shooting, editing, marketing and sales...I need to revenue to at least be able to reinvest back into this business so that it will become profitable.  I need staying power and guts to go for it . I need humility to ask my husband for money.  I need ideas to alter this program to suit my needs in the first year.

You said leave my job.  You said start with seniors.  You said give this to them for free.  I need you to provide the revenue.  I'll take it in whichever way you would like to provide it.  Please please please.  Most of all, I need a faith reboot because I am walking around SUPER scared and it is a fear that is paralyzing me on every front. I can't even think straight right now.

Help me.  Please.

Yvonne