a Monday morning GEM!

bing!

it's pretty outside.  i sat outside for a few minutes during my prep and allowed the breeze to blow.

spring is definitely here.  yesterday, ron and i sat at "our spot" near kelly drive. 

man oh man.  my baby is back from the mountain!  he showed up at my doorstep at midnight, bearing gifts.  godiva chocolate-covered strawberries, goodies from sephora, flowers, AND....drum roll please....Jill Scott tix for her performance at the Mann Music Center on June 23rd.  now THAT BOY GOOD! lol. 

he could have come without the gifts...it felt SOOOOOOOOOO amazing to hold him in my arms.  the first thing i did when i saw him was hug him TIGHTLY!  i can't imagine what my life would be if he wasn't here and i'm looking forward to what God is going to do in is and with us as we form a union.

yesterday was just amazing to me.  so much peace.  answered questions.  God prophetically moving and speaking.  wow.  as soon as Bishop began to deliver the message, i couldn't hold back the tears.  He was wounded for MY transgression and bruised for MY iniquities and the chastimsement of MY peace was upon Him...and by His stripes I was and AM healed....but who hath believed the report?

wow.  Roman's 10 brought salvation into FULL perspective.  i knew from the moment He started preaching i needed to go up for prayer.  wow.  the Holy Spirit used Bishop to tell me that i have the gift of miracles working.  however, to first tell people about this, i have to believe God for a miracle to happen in my own life.  WOW.  WOW.  WOW.  think of the most seemingly impossible thing that God can do for you right now and BELIEVE HIM for it to happen....and it will.

WOW.  WOW.  WOW.

well...that pretty much answered everything i needed to hear.  this comes after Pastor Thomas's pow wow with me last week after prayer..."Now Yvonne...the Holy Spirit showed you to me...He said you're getting yourself worked up over this wedding....stop having anxiety about this but make your requests known to God with prayer and supplication so that you can have peace...".

WOW.

God.  we need a miracle.  we can't do this on our own.  this has to be YOU showing yourself mightily and strongly in a way that we could never imagine....and God...i'm making this personal.  i need you to show yourself to me in a way that i've never seen before.  so God, i'm believing you for MORE than enough money to create this beautiful wedding at the horticulture center, debt-free, stress free AND the money to set up our new lives together (new home, deposit, furniture).  debt-free. 

i see us, after all of the toasts have been given and we have to respond and thank everyone...GIVING GLORY and PRAISE TO GOD and testifying on what He has done.  that the wedding or the union was not of ourselves...but a a miraculous wonder and sign of God's grace.  this favor was unmerited and if people would only believe and confess, they too would be an automatic recipient of His favor. 

i love you Lord and i know that you're going to show up in a MIGHTY WAY!

this hector lavoe pandora station....

has made a dull evening into a...well....an embarrassing one if anyone was actually taping me salsa dancing in my bedroom.

kinda want to learn how to salsa dance and let some of these inhibitions go...not in a ridiculous hedonistic way...in a way that allows me to be comfortable with my body and with myself...and yes...with my awkwardness...lol.

just thankful right now....

i left church not wanting to hear the word "wedding"...everyone is a coordinator...everyone has input...everyone wants to make something...everyone is a designer...everyone is a diva...

*throws hands up in the air*

now i REALLY know why people elope.  bump the money...people are O.O.C...."out of control".

Jesus.

for real. like...Jesus....sometimes i have to call on your name because people will drive you up the whole wall...if you let them.

do you have a venue?
do you have a date?
do you have bridesmaids?
who's in the wedding party?
where are ya'll honeymooning?
what are the colors?
what flowers are ya'll having?
do you have a planner?
$135 a plate?  that's expensive?
vanish wants to dance....olivia would like to...
i'm making the cake.

what?

look at my face....

0___o

lol.

*in my jay-z voice*....can i live? lol

i'm having dinner with Elder Monica on Thursday.  she's sane and level headed and it seems we have a similar style.  classy.  elegant.  no feathers. (smh).  she has a calming effect.  i need some folks with some taste on the design team for this.  does that make me a bad person?  of course not.

between deac. annell and this cake...look...smh.  her cake is dry LORD....like a brick...and you know how i am about food....imma need that joint to be moist...

maybe another reason why i'm a bit agitated is because...

1. i don't really like to be in the spotlight
2. i don't really like people up in my business
3. i've never done anything like before.

sigh.

babe. our wedding is going to be glorious.
babe. i just want to marry you.
babe. i'm excited for our life together.
babe. the wedding is months of planning in the making....but i'm more excited about what happens after the guests leave.
babe.  i love you.

ok.  that is all.

can you Skype me at midnight?

Jesus.

kjn;kgdsnoi'sgon'SDGNk'dg"LKSDGVNGVOENIfweniGN IGVein vsINSVGWineinedvfnif

it is now 3:09. 

that is all.

God is still God. That doesn't change

God, i thank you for sending your Holy Spirit to engage with Ron....to lead him and guide him and protect him.

God, you're still God.  You will always be.  You protected him.  You kept him safe.  The name of the Lord is a strong tower...the righteous run in and are saved.  I THANK YOU that you are able to protect and preserve.

the attack of the enemy is becoming sharper and fiercer because we are becoming more powerful.  we know more about his plans and schemes and more importantly, we have the KNOWLEDGE & understanding that we WIN.  the enemy is desperate, but the enemy LOSES.

i thank God that Ron had an opportunity to show the love of Christ...even in the midst of what some would consider unfortunate, he was able COUNT IT ALL JOY! 

i thank You God.  I THANK YOU!!!!! I THANK YOU!!!!!!

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thank you Father.  Bless your name.  Forever and ever.

Amen.

ok.  it's official.  i freaking MISS Ronald Dwayne Simms, Jr.  

is Sunday here yet?

let me go pray.

definitely missing Ghana right now...definitely.

what is it about rainy days...

you either love them or you don't, right?

i just found out that my student teacher will not be recommended for a permanent position at Mastery.  a part of me felt that it's my fault.  they placed a student teacher with a proficient teacher.  well, according to Mastery's standards i'm proficient at a few things and advanced at others...which makes me a proficient teacher.

i guess. 

as the time winds down before i resume full teaching responsibility,  i'm starting to get that feeling in my stomach again.  that "ugh" feeling.  that feeling that questions, "is this REALLY what i'm going to be doing for the rest of my life?"

i've started staring out of the window again.

i'm not quite comfortable with that feeling. 

and i know that God wants me to be content with where He has me right now.  i know i'm here for a reason....whether or not i can discern that reason...now that's another story.

God, what am i even good at?

*stares blankly into space*

look at her.  she has the right heart.  she definitely has the right attitude.  she's just super awkward.  she'll get a job though.  i know she will.  i know she will.

as for me.  i think i'll take some pics today...play with my new flash.  yup.  that's exactly what i'll do. 

the enemy doesn't want me to win

the demons assigned to me came to visit me in a dream last night.

food.
haughtiness and pride.
sex.
idolatry.

it was crazy.  i'd rather not relive it.

the enemy doesn't want me to win.

that's too bad, because i already do.  i have already overcome him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of my testimony.

i win.  i WIN.  i win!  i win.

I WIN.

i think i went through Ron withdrawal yesterday.  i have made him into an idol and i confess it.  i have made this wedding into an idol and i confess it.  i have made this thing and this person higher than God.  some days i'll say i love you to Ron more than i say i love you to God. 

not ok.  i thank God for Ron but God is a constant.  He doesn't change.  He's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  even when man fails me, God never will. 

i picked up my book "The Excellent Wife" yesterday.  much of being an excellent wife is examining myself and my motives...and my relationship with God.  my heart should be set on Christ.

time to reset. 

The book states, "An idol can be anything. It may even be a good thing.  Bt if we want it so badly that we sin if we don't get it or sin to attain it, then we are worshopping an idol rather than Christ...Each of us is worshipping something or someone within our heart every waking moement of each day.  Pastor Stuart Scott says that we worship what we 'serve, speak about, sacrifice for, seek afer, spend time and money on, and trust in," (See Psalm 115 and 135).  In other words, who or what you worship is 'what's on your mind,' 'what you long for-wish for,' 'what is really important to you,' and 'what you have set your heart set on.'"

WOW.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sigh, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.--Psalm 19:14

my heart must be set upon You.  not things.  not people.

seek ye first the Kingdom of God....seek the Kingdom of God first....go after it....seek it...long after it...pursue it...go for it...nothing else...

nothing else.

nothing else.

according to the power that worketh in you.

my hands are lifted high to the sky.....like for real.

God told me NOT to take this summer school job.  an extra $3,000 i won't pocket.  in my logical mind, i'm like WHAT?  ummm...*in my 9th grade student voice* "what you meeeeeeeean?"

lol.  all jokes aside, my assistant principal of instruction walked by classroom this morning...came UP to me and stood by me.  there was really no escaping it.  i had to tell her at that time.  i regret the fact that she made many arrangements for me but i shouldn't have asked about the job in the first place.  i was acting out of my own will...out of my own fear.

after i told her, i felt such peace.  the bill for this wedding is probably going to reach about $30,000 when it's all said and done.  so God, i'm asking you to meet every need.  my natural mind can't comprehend but i believe that you are God and you're able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that i can even ask or think.

there are no limits to you God.  i thank you in advance.

i thank you in advance.

Amen.

Stars

each day, i watch you get better at this....each moment i'm more and more convinced....
we trusted in love...we took the risk....we ran our own pace...we won our race...
and i could never turn away.....
we've come
so far
the stars look up at you baby....
my heart belongs right here next to you baby....

God.

it's 8:36 and i'm sitting here trying to tune out the murmur coming from the first period class.  my student teacher, Maura, is floating around the classroom helping students on their writing assignments.  she's gotten much better over the past few weeks.  there's only s much you can REALLY learn in a 3 month time span but i really think she's getting the hang of it.  there's still much to be learned but practice makes perfect right...ehhh...not so much as a teacher...a good teacher practices...and then thinks about their practices...and tweaks their practices...so they can practice some more....there's never really a "perfect lesson"...at least not as an English teacher....there is never one right answer....although Mastery sometimes will make you think there is....

that's another conversation for another day.

yesterday, we took a spring walk thorugh center city down to capogiro...our favorite gelato place.  God, who am I that you are mindful of me?  when i consder ALL that You've done in this world....You created it!  the stars...the sun...the moon...the heavens..the earth...the birds...the trees....who am i that you are mindful of me?  it really is amazing when i think about what God has done.  He's called me now...He's preparing me for something greater than i can ever imagine or think.  He's watering the seeds which have been and are being planted.  He's growing me up....and i'm SO grateful that He's led me thus far.  He could have left me a long time ago, but He remembered me all this time. 

i looked at the man sitting in front of me.  my soon to be husband.  my soon to be covering.  my soon to be seed-giver.  my soon to be provider.  my soon to be....June is a little over a year away but it's so soon at the same time.  i'm waiting patiently for God's official blessing.  i'm waiting patiently for Bishop to say those words: "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife".  Wow.  we will, before our friends, family, church, and God, make life-long vows to each other.  for better or for worse. in sickness and in health.  till death do us part.  we will promise to love each other with the love of Christ.  we will promise to continue to make God the center of our lives, of our union, of our relationship.

i know that God is going to get the glory out of this union.  there's too much power.

Bishop said something really intersting at Bible study the other night.  the enemy is strategic.  warfare is VERY strategic...at least if you're planning to win.  Bishop talked about how the enemy strategically went after certain parts of his church...first deacons...then the worship team...and the Holy Spirit told him that the enemy is now coming after pastors....wow...i really had to digest that.  at the same time, it made much sense.  the enemy would LOVE to see us fall and falter.  if there's any church he'd want to attack violently, it would be Spirit and Truth because of the power of the Holy Spirit and the Word of Truth preached.  it's unadulterated.  it's pure.  it's about Jesus Christ and Him crucified.  it's the real Word of God.  it's the Word that destroys yokes and sets captives free.  there is such an annointing upon the lives of the people in that church.  the devil knows what he's doing....Bishop said, if i was the enemy, i'd be coming after this church too!

but the enemy is ALREADY defeated.  the enemy has no right to the people of God.  we WIN!  we always WIN.  we have the blood of the lamb and by it we have overcome the enemy.  spirits of death, defeat, anxiety, worry, depression, oppression, fear...they have no control or no authority.  in the name of Jesus, i am victiorious!  we are VICTORIOUS!

yesterday afternoon, we had a 5:00 p.m. appointment to go and see the Horticulture Center in Fairmount Park.  i had no idea it was there.  deac. annell got married there almost 15 years ago, but she mentioned that it had closed.  i ruled out the idea of having anything there but i mentioned it to ron.  he did the footwork on it, got in touch with the sales rep, AND found out that they include up to 200 gold chiavari chairs in the rental price (SCORE! lol). 

the first couple of places we scoped out were no bueno.  the contemporary arts museum in delaware was....a whole bore, too far, and definitely NOT our style.  the waterview on delaware avenue across the street from the sugar house casino...ehhhh....i could completely do without....boo.  then i thought about what deac annell told me about a month ago after we got engaged.  she said...don't worry about cost.  of course...don't try to have this extravagant wedding, but think about the type of wedding you'd like to have if cost wasn't a factor.  she caught me in the bathroom...i was changing clothes...on my way to take pictures of dominique's baby shower.  deac renee was also in the bathroom...of course, in true yvonne fashion, i had a mini-breakdown.  i really hadn't told anyone i was worried about cost.  i'd already written it off that we were going to have a cheap wedding in the reception hall of the church.  deac. renee chimed in and said, "i see the glory of God all on you....don't be discouraged...because you have the glory on you".  they both encouraged me that it's going to be beautiful and that God will get the glory.  that instead of trying to do it cheap or down size it, that this really will be a display of what God can do.  deac annell said that deac bill (her husband) had lost his job while they were engaged and she didn't have a job.  her mom was dead and her father gave her minimal money for the wedding.  she says that everytime they tried to do something cheap, God blocked it.  she said it was the beginning of her life as a woman of faith.  God is faithful.  God is faithful. He's able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask or think.

ron was late picking me up yesterday and asked myself, "is this a sign that we shouldn't  go for this place?"....when we pulled up, i had a feeling "this is it."  that feeling was confirmed as we entered th greenhouse which was set up for a bar mitzvah.  beautiful greenery....simple, yet elegant with a flair.  i LOVED it.  then she led us outside to outdoor ceremony space overlooking a fountain...OMG!  OMG!  OMG!  it was the perfect place that embodied US.  a walk through the park...by the water...where we first kissed...(just do it already! lol).  evening wedding...cool breeze....magical.  and i felt peace.  when she started giving the numbers...i felt peace...because i know that i have asked God in faith to provide the means necessary to secure the date, and pay for this wedding in full without strain or stress.  wtihout debt.  He will get the glory....i'm so thankful.  God knows exactly what He's doing.  EXACTLY. 

funny thing is...Pastor Donna said it to me to and i wrote her off.  she said, "we're kingdom folks...and you need to display the glory". 

i'm praising God in advance for what He's going to do....not only on that day, but also i'm praising Him for what He's going to do through our marriage.  like Bishop said a few months ago...when you're getting married now, it's not for you...it's for the Kingdom.  our marrige will exemplify Kingdom living, Kingdom principles, Kingdom power. 

Ron, i'm so thankful that God is a merciful God and that even though we've fallen, He does not condemn us.  For that, i can praise God.  He knows the plans He has for us...and my God....they are glorious plans....that we should yield completely to Him...that we should submit to Him...that we should bear witness about Christ...that we should display the glory of God...that we should walk in authority and power, preaching, teaching and healing in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. 

i feel Him even right now.  i thank Him.  I THANK HIM.  not just for a wedding...i thank Him for life more abundantly now that Jesus Christ has shed His blood so that i might be redeemed.  i thank Him for a renewed spirit of boldness and courage to walk upright and never doubt His promises.  God is NOT a man that He should lie nor the son of man that He would repent.  God is sovereign.  i thank Him for using me.  i thank Him for sticking with me through my mess.  i thank Him for helping me clean it up.  God you're merciful.  all glory.  all honor.  all power to you.

HALLELUJAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

revelation

i came to the start realization this morning that the Gospel is not about me.  it's about Jesus.  it's the Good News.  God will use me to proclaim it....but in the end...it's not about me.  it's not about getting what i want...it's about God getting what He wants out of me...which is to live for Him...proclaim Him...fight for Him...live in Him...live through Him...

it's not about MY life...MY thought...MY problems...MY issues...Meeeeeee...MIIIIIIINE...

pure SELFISHNESS.

the Holy Spirit started talking to me early this morning.

fast.

actually, He said it last night and i ignored Him...because i had just made MY food. 

right?

WRONG.

this morning i woke up...wouldn't pray.  a quick acknowlegement of the trinity...then i rolled back over to sleep.

God wasn't going to ignore what i wrote yesterday and He quickly began to deal with me.

out of nowhere, as i got dressed, i started praying in tongues....inadvertently...i just came to and realized i'd been praying...then i could hear his voice loud and clear.

is this not the fast i have chosen for you.....? (Isaiah 58:9)

this type of unbelief only goes away by fasting and prayer.....(Mark)...the disciples can't cast out the devil in the boy (one which has plagued him FOR YEARS...sounds familiar?) because of their unbelief....and initially...it looks like an epileptic demon...the boy is thrown down...tossed to and fro by the demon...up and down...foaming at the mouth...the demon sometimes throws him into the water or sometimes the fire to drown...the thing wants to KILL him.  but it has been unsuccessful thus far...still tormenting...but eventually, the boy comes to meet Jesus.  it was apart of God's divine plan that the boy would eventually meet Jesus.  that those demons would eventually have to come out.  but interestingly, (and Bishop Vaughn pointed this out in a word Wednesday a few weeks ago, but at the time i didn't fully understand or have the revelation about what this meant), Jesus doesn't call out an epileptic spirit.  Jesus calls out a deaf and dumb spirit.  one translation says a "deaf and mute" spirit.

There Are No Ifs (Mark 9: The Message Bible)

 ^14-16When they came back down the mountain to the other disciples, they saw a huge crowd around them, and the religion scholars cross-examining them. As soon as the people in the crowd saw Jesus, admiring excitement stirred them. They ran and greeted him. He asked, "What's going on? What's all the commotion?"
 ^17-18A man out of the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought my mute son, made speechless by a demon, to you. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and goes stiff as a board. I told your disciples, hoping they could deliver him, but they couldn't."
 ^19-20Jesus said, "What a generation! No sense of God! How many times do I have to go over these things? How much longer do I have to put up with this? Bring the boy here." They brought him. When the demon saw Jesus, it threw the boy into a seizure, causing him to writhe on the ground and foam at the mouth.
 ^21-22He asked the boy's father, "How long has this been going on?"
   "Ever since he was a little boy. Many times it pitches him into fire or the river to do away with him. If you can do anything, do it. Have a heart and help us!"
 ²³Jesus said, "If? There are no 'ifs' among believers. Anything can happen."
 ²⁴No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, "Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!"
 ^25-27Seeing that the crowd was forming fast, Jesus gave the vile spirit its marching orders: "Dumb and deaf spirit, I command you—Out of him, and stay out!" Screaming, and with much thrashing about, it left. The boy was pale as a corpse, so people started saying, "He's dead." But Jesus, taking his hand, raised him. The boy stood up.
 ²⁸After arriving back home, his disciples cornered Jesus and asked, "Why couldn't we throw the demon out?"
 ²⁹He answered, "There is no way to get rid of this kind of demon except by prayer."

and then it clicked for me.

this boy has been plagued by a deaf and MUTE spirit.  deaf...not able to hear.  MUTE. not able to open up his mouth and say anything.  a MUTE spirit which cut off all of his chances from using the most powerful weapon against the enemy....PRAYER.

OH MY GOD.  God has been DEALING with me about prayer.  GOD HAS BEEN TALKING TO ME ABOUT PRAYER.  the Holy Spirit has BEEN saying...the only reason you're weak is because you don't pray.  you won't pray.  you won't spend time with me.  you won't PRAY. 

because my God hears my prayers.  GOD answers my prayers.  there is no conincdence that the last time i went up to the prayer line, Bishop prophecied that now it's time for me to become an intercessor.  the prophecy was completely unexpected.  COMPLETELY.  what does intercession have to do with MY problems.  selfishness.  so much selfishness that i didn't really realize that this is NOT about me.

is this not the fast that i have chosen for you?  this is not about you...this is about OTHER people....this is about using you for OTHER people. 

6“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

7Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—

when you see the naked, to clothe him,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness^a will go before you,

and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

9Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

11The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

12Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

after i prayer on Saturday...The Holy Spirit told me..."you're delivered"....just like that.  "you're delivered".  and yet, the accuser of the bretheren (satan) came back and came back hard with vicious LIES....i'm tempted to erase that entry yesterday, but i will look back on it and see the lies that satan proclaimed against me...and marvel at how He set me free with the absolute truth.  revelation is coming...and it's coming fast.....look at the scripture i was told to pray on Saturday...

1But now, this is what the Lord says—

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

3For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush^a and Seba in your stead.

4Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life.

5Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

6I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’

and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth—

7everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made.”

8Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,

who have ears but are deaf.

9All the nations gather together

and the peoples assemble.

Which of them foretold this

and proclaimed to us the former things?

Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,

so that others may hear and say, “It is true.”

10“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,

“and my servant whom I have chosen,

so that you may know and believe me

and understand that I am he.

Before me no god was formed,

nor will there be one after me.

11I, even I, am the Lord,

and apart from me there is no savior.

12I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—

I, and not some foreign god among you.

You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.

13Yes, and from ancient days I am he.

No one can deliver out of my hand.

When I act, who can reverse it?”

God’s Mercy and Israel’s Unfaithfulness

14This is what the Lord says—

your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:

“For your sake I will send to Babylon

and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,^b

in the ships in which they took pride.

15I am the Lord, your Holy One,

Israel’s Creator, your King.”

16This is what the Lord says—

he who made a way through the sea,

a path through the mighty waters,

17who drew out the chariots and horses,

the army and reinforcements together,

and they lay there, never to rise again,

extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18“Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

19See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

20The wild animals honor me,

the jackals and the owls,

because I provide water in the desert

and streams in the wasteland,

to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21the people I formed for myself

that they may proclaim my praise.

22“Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,

you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.

23You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,

nor honored me with your sacrifices.

I have not burdened you with grain offerings

nor wearied you with demands for incense.

24You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,

or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.

But you have burdened me with your sins

and wearied me with your offenses.

25“I, even I, am he who blots out

your transgressions, for my own sake,

and remembers your sins no more.

26Review the past for me,

let us argue the matter together;

state the case for your innocence.

27Your first father sinned;

your spokesmen rebelled against me.

28So I will disgrace the dignitaries of your temple,

and I will consign Jacob to destruction^c

and Israel to scorn.

He's talking to me, even as He spoke to me in 1 Samuel.  It's the same thing...the promises He's given to His holy people...His chosen people...and yet, they have not given Him exactly what He wanted.  an honorable sacrifice of praise and worship.  He will bring destruction if I don't get on board.  But His promises are so great.  His plan for me is so great.  His plan is to use me marvelously and greatly for the benefit of others.  My life is not my own...my life is for others...I am precious and honored in His sight...He will sacrifice others for me so that I may "proclaim His praise"...He will do all of that for me so that i might "proclaim His praise".  He has revealed Himself to me so that I might reveal Him to others. 

this Word just got so REAL...this Word just got SO clear....this Word just got so piercing....

it is reading me up and down.  now's not the time to jump out of the water...the Holy Spirit has said "now is the time..."

the work begins now.  God makes all things new.  today is a new day.  a new thing.  a new revelation.  a new insight on His word.  renewed grace and mercy.  thank you Lord. 

hear my call

i feel like i am off balance.  wayyyyyyy off balance.

*looks around*

why am i (not) battling with the same things i've been dealing with for months....even years?

not battling.

at the end of the day...when it's just me...in my room...i have to deal with myself.  i have to deal with my demons...i have to face them.   i have to not only acknowledge them, but i have to contend with them.

i am off balance.

ronald...(enter caveat here....i don't really want to have a discussion about this right now....i just want to write to get my feelings out)....

you tell me you love me every single day.  you tell me how beautiful i am.  you tell me you adore me...you tell me i'm wonderful...you tell me i'm lovely. and i believe you feel that way about me....

so why is there always some resistance to fully believe those things you say?  why won't my mind allow me to fully accept those things as truth? 

do i believe fully in jesus' love for me?  do i fully believe that God thinks I am precious in His sight?  no. 

sometimes i fear that i am headed for apostasy.  sometimes i feel like i'm predestined to fall away from the faith...like i don't have that annointing to remain.

Apostasy ( /əˈpɒstəsi/; Greek: ἀποστασία (apostasia), 'a defection or revolt', from ἀπό, apo, 'away, apart', στάσις, stasis, 'stand, 'standing') is the formal disaffiliation from or abandonment or renunciation of a religion by a person. One who commits apostasy (or who apostatises) is known as an apostate. These terms have a pejorative implication in everyday use. The term apostasy is used by sociologists to mean renunciation and criticism of, or opposition to, a person's former religion, in a technical sense and without pejorative connotation.

i feel lazy....like i don't want to fight.  but i've never really had to fight for anything.  i've never really had to put forth full effort to get anything.  now, i'm bombarded by ALL of this rhetoric i've been hearing about war..."battle", "get in formation", "the violent take it by force", "

am i an apostate God?  sometimes i feel like a whole fake in this thing?  there's much religion...and little relationship.

i sing these songs on stage....but i really want you to be MY God....for me. 

no man can fill that void.  no man can give me what i'm looking for.  i fear that if i don't grab ahold of You before i'm married...i'm going to make ronald a MISERABLE man...for he can and will do all that he can to make me happy...and i'll never be satisfied...a bottomless pit.  i once felt that way about Bruce....that he did everything possible to try and make me happy...but i made excuses (Oh God, he's not willing to submit to you...so nothing he does will ever satisfy me)....but now, God has given me a man who is willing to submit...a man that is willing to lay down his life for me...and i'm not satisfied.  i'm not satisfied by this job.  i'm not satisfied by my needs being met....i'm not satisfied....

God....what can i do to be satisfied....what is this void?  why do i feel so depressed sometimes?  why do i feel so lonely?  why do i feel so defeated?  why is it so difficult for me to hold onto these promises you've given me in your word?  why do i feel like this bottomless pit?  what's wrong with me that i look at others lives and long for what i don't have when i'm not satisfied with what you've given me.....and there are people looking at my life wishing they could only have been blessed with half of what i have?

do i really have the Holy Ghost?  am i REALLY saved?  am i REALLY saved?  saved from what?  because i often feel like the same old me....what's really changed?

help me God.

help me.

help me.

in the still 

and in the quiet

in the peace of a rainy sunday's alarm

in the day

in the light

in the rays of an ever shining sun

in the heat

in the grief

in the sweat of a battle barely won

in the wind

in the storm

in the maelstrom of the circumstances of life

in the in still

and in the quiet

i know that regardless of it all

i want to be your life.

this is a draft from a few weeks ago....

deac annell told me to envision the wedding i could have if money wasn't an issue.

it would be outside.  sun setting. 
perfect day.  75 the high.  no humidity.  a very gentle breeze blowing through the trees. 

simple but elegant decorations.  beautiful flowers adorning the chairs and the altar.
no drama between my family or friends.  ronald looking oh-so-handsome...both of us failing at holding back tears because we can't believe the day is finally here.

i imagine serenity.  a peaceful calm all over me...my skin glowing...calm music....everyone feels comfortable...there's an atmosphere of love and anticipation because our friends and families have been waiting to see us this happy for a long time....

music...the service would be filled with nice music....perfect songs which captured the way we felt about each other....

simple elegance.  that's how i imagine it.

the reception would feature LOTS of laughter....GREAT FOOD....GREAT FOOD IS A MUST! and great music again.

i just want people, when they leave, to KNOW the love that's between us and the love we have for God...and the love God has for us.  i want it to be unmistakable that God is in the midst of us.

nothing too over the top.  simple.  elegant.  good food.  nice breeze.  God.

as i was looking through wedding reception sites again today, i started to get a bit overwhelmed.  there's so much out there but nothing quite fits my taste. 

Holy Spirt, i pray that you would lead us and guide us in the correct direction that will display your full glory through us.  i bind the spirit of anxiety and stress.  i pray that you will meet every need according to your riches in glory...

i declare and decree that this will be the BEST day of our lives thus far and that it will mark the beginning of our fruitful and bountiful union that God has put together.

i will not stress.  i will have peace.  i will have joy.  He will do what He said He would do.  He will display His glory.  He will provide.  He will make it wonderful.  He will lead us.  i will not stress.

the Lord is my shepherd i shall not want
i will lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help...my help cometh from the Lord.

crammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmps.

:-\

no weapon formed against me shall prosper.  i declare it and decree it.

2/3 nights, i've had wacky dreams.  saturday night, i dreamt that some man who was larger than me was holding me tightly in the air.  at first, it looked like an older, worn version of bruce.  it yelled "i've changed, i've changed...take me back...come back to me!"  i screamed, although it seemed silently.  it's not until i yelled out Jesus that i woke up...prayed in toungues real hard until i fell back to sleep.

last night, i fell asleep around midnight after i prayed with ron and individually.  the dream started off in a suburban town, probably during the fall.  the leaves were bright orange and all seemed normal.  the town was pretty.  all of the children were out for what seemed like a fall festival.  there were games and the atmosphere seemed genial initially.  i had my camera around my neck ready to take pictures.  here appears josie and her two boys.  josie is my co-worker frances' sister.  i met her last summer when she hosted frances' baby shower in delaware.  her two boys are around 12 and 10 years old.  for some reason, i saw josie, but then she disappeared.  the two boys were sitting on the steps of a picturesque house and i realized it was the perfect opportunity to take a picture.  i started to take pictures and the boys skin turned from brown to a sick greenish color.  initially, i thought they were just sick.  i picked them up in my car and we started to drive around.  i think i was also taking pictures of them.  then, they started acting weird.  they started having erratic movements and i figured something was wrong.  eventually, they started attacking me left and right.  they tried to bite me and stab me with objects.  i had to pry them off of me.  i wound up getting out of the car and they chased me down the street.  this went on for hours with me hiding and them finding me.  it's almost as if they were on assignment to find me and they sniffed me out every time.  and they were definitely coming for blood.

as i was running down a road, their mother drives up as if she was looking for them the entire time.  they morph back into their normal selves and their mother gives ME a disapproving look as if i corrupted her children.  Frances was also in the car and she snatched up the boys as if i was doing something wrong to them.  the whole time i had the camera on my neck.

i woke up at that point, used the restroom, and went back to sleep.  the next dream wasn't really nightmarish...more like odd.  it started off with a really nice wedding. i don't recall if i was in it.  then, i wound up on the set of a photoshoot.  i felt some kind of way because whoever solicited the shoot didn't ask me.  however, the photographer had a full set up.  the pictures they took of people wound up being at the top of the pages of a kay jeweler magazine.  as i flipped through it, kept looking for my ring wondering if it was in there.

then i woke up.

i'm praying in the spirit for an hour before i go to sleep.  i can't make sense of this foolishness but i'm not about being tormented. 

amen.

first morning back.  spring break was altogether lovely.  very relaxing.  now it's back to the grind.

went home for a couple of days.  came back on wednesday and started looking for a couple of reception sites.  no bueno.  machumu told us about the Free Library of Philadelphia on the Parkway.  i took a look at the pictures and they have a rooftop deck which overlooks the city.  how LOVELY!  i guess we're taking planning one day at a time.  so many people have ideas.  so many people want to help. 

God, i need a clear vision...the money.  i'm a faithful tither.  i sow seed.  i will continue to do both. 

last week, i heard the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear, "Honor me and I will honor you"....

wow.

i had a dream last night.  i think i saw our child.  a girl.  she was walking in the lobby of the church.  it was summer time and she had on a blue and yellow short set.  around 3.  she had your eyebrows and smile.  a caramel colored complexion.  burnt caramel.  your eyes too.  she was happy. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that my 10+ year friendship with Dana is coming to an end.  Cynthia sent me a link to Dana's tumblr account.  she's been blogging for the past 8 months.....all entries are about louis....

life changes.  people changes.  i think i wanted to feel sad this morning and the Holy Spirit placed a song on my heart...."What a friend we have in Jesus".....when all (and everyone) else fails, Jesus is always there.   for that, i am thankful.

in most ways, my life has moved on. i'm engaged and preparing for marriage and family.  i have a new business.  i'm growing spiritually.  i'm not the same person i was 12 years ago when we first met and i'm thankful for that.

i met with Pastor Steph on Thursday for lunch.  she preached at STWC about a month ago and ever since then, i've been wondering about her personal testimony.  she sprinkled bits of her story in her preaching but i wanted to know the real deal.  she said that early in her salvation, she couldn't grasp ahold of the fact that she didn't have to earn God's love or His grace.  i think i'm at the same point.  i'm also at a point where i keep looking back.  i don't know why.  there's also a measure of mental and physical disobedience that i need to give up.  Bishop has been preaching that we keep wanting to flirt with corruption but it doesn't really work like that.  everytime i am deliberately disobedient, the old demons come flooding back in.  fornication brings with it depression, overeating...the whole nine.

i asked God to reveal to me what issues i have that i'm trying to pacify with these pet sins.  He told me to just stop.  there you have it.

today, i simply praise God for His blessings.

i thank Him for life.  it's moving along well.  i'm right where i need to be.

amen.