*looks around*
why am i (not) battling with the same things i've been dealing with for months....even years?
not battling.
at the end of the day...when it's just me...in my room...i have to deal with myself. i have to deal with my demons...i have to face them. i have to not only acknowledge them, but i have to contend with them.
i am off balance.
ronald...(enter caveat here....i don't really want to have a discussion about this right now....i just want to write to get my feelings out)....
you tell me you love me every single day. you tell me how beautiful i am. you tell me you adore me...you tell me i'm wonderful...you tell me i'm lovely. and i believe you feel that way about me....
so why is there always some resistance to fully believe those things you say? why won't my mind allow me to fully accept those things as truth?
do i believe fully in jesus' love for me? do i fully believe that God thinks I am precious in His sight? no.
sometimes i fear that i am headed for apostasy. sometimes i feel like i'm predestined to fall away from the faith...like i don't have that annointing to remain.
Apostasy (
/əˈpɒstəsi/; Greek: ἀποστασία (apostasia), 'a defection or revolt', from ἀπό, apo, 'away, apart', στάσις, stasis, 'stand, 'standing') is the formal disaffiliation from or abandonment or renunciation of a religion by a person. One who commits apostasy (or who apostatises) is known as an apostate. These terms have a pejorative implication in everyday use. The term apostasy is used by sociologists to mean renunciation and criticism of, or opposition to, a person's former religion, in a technical sense and without pejorative connotation.i feel lazy....like i don't want to fight. but i've never really had to fight for anything. i've never really had to put forth full effort to get anything. now, i'm bombarded by ALL of this rhetoric i've been hearing about war..."battle", "get in formation", "the violent take it by force", "
am i an apostate God? sometimes i feel like a whole fake in this thing? there's much religion...and little relationship.
i sing these songs on stage....but i really want you to be MY God....for me.
no man can fill that void. no man can give me what i'm looking for. i fear that if i don't grab ahold of You before i'm married...i'm going to make ronald a MISERABLE man...for he can and will do all that he can to make me happy...and i'll never be satisfied...a bottomless pit. i once felt that way about Bruce....that he did everything possible to try and make me happy...but i made excuses (Oh God, he's not willing to submit to you...so nothing he does will ever satisfy me)....but now, God has given me a man who is willing to submit...a man that is willing to lay down his life for me...and i'm not satisfied. i'm not satisfied by this job. i'm not satisfied by my needs being met....i'm not satisfied....
God....what can i do to be satisfied....what is this void? why do i feel so depressed sometimes? why do i feel so lonely? why do i feel so defeated? why is it so difficult for me to hold onto these promises you've given me in your word? why do i feel like this bottomless pit? what's wrong with me that i look at others lives and long for what i don't have when i'm not satisfied with what you've given me.....and there are people looking at my life wishing they could only have been blessed with half of what i have?
do i really have the Holy Ghost? am i REALLY saved? am i REALLY saved? saved from what? because i often feel like the same old me....what's really changed?
help me God.
help me.
help me.
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