Shut up and March.

Onward.

2 Corinthians 4 16-18 MSG

Between the crying,  colossal poops, drippy diapers,  spit, vomit, and more crying...I spend an inordinate amount of time kissing my daughter's face.

That makes up for it all.

Father God. Jesus Christ. Holy Spirit.

Help me.

Please.

It's 3:06 am.  I finished feeding the baby about 30 minutes ago.  I laid her down to rest in her crib but she's been stirring ever since.  My husband is asleep and snoring.  I'm a bit restless.  Up and wondering how everything is going to work.  My mind is going a hundred miles a minute.  I guess this is where I stip and ask for the peace that passeth all understanding.  I could really use it right now.

In my prayer time,  God told me to go to 2 Corinthians 1.  Indeed the promises of God are yay and amen.  There's nothing to be worried about because he promised me much.  Go to sleep Yvonne.  You need the rest.

I just want to eat a jumbo cocktail shrimp really slowly...on a clear blue water white sandy beach....and wash it down with a glass of wine.  Yes.  A.glass.of.wine.

Don't want to get drunk.  Drunk implies hangover.  For real though, ain't nobody got time for that.  Just tipsy enough to enjoy the sun, the breeze, and slide down comfortably in my hammock and forget about everything.

That is all.

Goodnight world.

I woke up this morning with gratitude.  The Lord said to me, "Sing unto me a new song."

I know He is restoring the brokenness in my family.  I know He is healing the rift between my mother and I, one whose presence has pained me for years.

My own daughter is laying on my chest and I think to myself that I want her to know my embrace is open for the rest of our time together on this earth.  That even as a grown woman,  she will have some sanctuary here in my arms.  Because sometimes, we just need our mommies.  I want her to know it's ok.

God said that Ron and I are raising up a leader.  I don't know how He is going to use her exactly.  I will inquire more.  I want to know who I al raising and how to raise her.  She is strong.  I know that from four weeks of being in her presence 24/7.  Very strong.  Outsiders observe her and misname that trait as stubborn.  She is not stubborn.  She is resolute and determined.  This child will have no problem speaking the truth.  Now, I just pray that she have the grace and is motivated by the love of God....a love for His people.  Because of the giftings she has, she will be loved by many and ummmm not so loved by many.  I pray for her strength.

Folasade Grace Simms was born on 10/28/2014 at 5:58 pm.  She weighed 7 lbs and was 21 inches long.

She made me a mother.  She made me a mommy.

And now,  we are going into our third week of life together.

I don't sleep the same.  I listen for her at night to make sure she's ok.  She vomits, poops,  pees, and cries on me....and I love her just the same.  There's a grace that comes with being a mommy.  I can't explain it.  Perhaps it's natural.  It's definitely hard work but there is a grace.

She's beautiful.  She looks like me.  I love her.

The season has changed.

I'm a mother now.

Everything got real when I saw that face.

i am not excited about this.

being someone's mother.  raising a child.  staying at home.

nothing about this excites me.  nothing.

that probably makes me a bad person.  i am ungrateful right?

God, you're the only one who can change my heart.  please, change my heart.  because that's what's in there and has been in there since February 14th of this year.  and the more i try to pretend,  the more disgusting i feel.

so i've never been in a real physical altercation in my life...

but, have you ever been kicked while already down?  like, sucker punched in the gut and then stomped in the head a couple of times just to make sure you remain there....?  then kicked in the face too.

yea,  that's how that felt.

This is my last Friday before I'm someone's mother....

and I'm having mixed feelings about it....

*blank stare*

Step by step. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Ugh.

it's so big,  i don't know where to begin.

because there is no step-by-step guide for this.

kinda frustrated today.

There remaineth a rest for me.  For me!!!!

Rest. Reign. Rule.  Even in the midst of my enemies for God is making them all a footstool. Wow.

So this morning and today, the only working I'm doing is laboring to enter into his rest.

"don't you know that faith is practical
that's what makes it so wonderful
you gotta believe...."-- from "Here We Go" by Aja Graydon Dantler of Kindred the Family Soul

i woke up this morning refreshed if you will.  more so silent than anything else.  just listening.  trying to hear for the voice of God which is usually quiet, and still.  amazing how the same one who literally has moved major landforms (you know, like rivers and stuff), speaks so quietly.

so i just listened.  i talked first with honesty.  i told Him that i don't know what i'm doing.  He told me that's ok.

He told me that i've been doing this faith thing all wrong...backwards if you will.  trying and trying and trying until i couldn't do it myself AND then relying upon God as a last resort is not faith.  faith is the first step.  it's natural and not coerced.  it's a state of mind.  it's an automatic response or reaction to unknown circumstances.

He told me that is why He said, "the just shall live by faith" and to "walk by faith and not by sight."  no one thinks about living...we just do.  i'm not counting my breaths as i breathe them...it just happens because that is what i was meant to do.  i don't think about the steps i take as i walk.  i am not looking down and counting the cracks on the sidewalk or tracking how many steps i take in the day.  i just get up and go, knowing that my legs will get me there.  the same with faith, He told me.  faith is natural and not coerced.  it's not a last resort.  it's the first resort.  it's the automatic response to apply to every situation.

believing God is in every situation and circumstance, despite being unable to see it.  if i could see it, i suppose it wouldn't be faith.

walking is easy.  living is just what i do.  faith is....

so i guess i've received the answer to an earlier post's questions about abraham, wondering if he ever waivered or doubted.  he didn't.  he just had faith.

perplexed but not in despair....

that's the Word to meditate upon....

yes, some things hurt like hell....but i have to keep pushing, even though i don't like it.

can't default and draw back.  in that You take no pleasure.

and even though i'm angry, God, i'm asking you to remove the anger.

and even though i'm hurt, God, i'm asking you to remove the hurt.

and even though i'm perplexed, God, i'm asking you to give me understanding and wisdom.

and even though i feel like i'm all alone, God, i'm remembering that You said You would never leave me or forsake me.

when no one understands, You understand.

when i feel invisible, You see me.

You know my name.  You knew me from my mother's womb.  You said You would never leave me or forsake me.  You know all of the plans that You have for me.  They are plans for my good and not for evil.  You know every hair on my head.  Jesus, You're sitting at the right hand of the Father making intercession for me because You have felt all that I have felt.  The chastisement of my peace was upon You and by Your stripes I am healed.

Ok.  So I may has been a little upset on the last post.  Disregard my frustration.  Just me and my lil bowling ball of love all up in my womb.

In other news...Queenie Mae got saved a couple of weeks back.  When mommy was here in Philly, grandma had gotten sick and landed in the hospital twice-once for surgery and then on an emergency. Is it because she had clotting in her lungs.  I guess she saw the light because when Pastor William and some misnisters costed her in the hospital she asked cried out for salvation and asked what must I do to be saved?  She confessed Jesus Christ as her Lord and savior that day and a week later she was baptized in water.  If there's hope for my grandmother at 70 then there's hope for my father at 64.  My grandmother who I barely talked to once a year....we've talked twice in a month.  What is that about?!!!  Look at God. Wow.  Restoration and healing is taking place in my family.  Restoration and healing.  And I have to keep believing for my father that he too will surrender and stop being so obstinate.

And so I continue to pray that God send men full of the Holy Ghost and power to talk to him...laborers with the specific task of reaping the harvest...someone that my father will listen to...and God will do it because He is faithful. My grandmother is only a sign of the things to come.

another month of this....OMG.

help me Jesus.  i'm so serious right now.

i'm big, fat, my body hurts, i can't breathe,  i'm not sleeping well, water gives me heartburn, i'm constipated, all seats are uncomfortable....not to mention i now have stretch marks on my stomach.

what. the. fuck?

the one thing i've actually been looking forward to...who the heck knows what's going on with that.  and when i do ask about it, i get cussed at.

i'm over it.

OVER IT.

boom.

Day 1 of 21.

Hashtag: nosocialmedia

Just listening.

Ok.

i feel like a piece of hot shit this morning.

boom.

i guess hot shit is better than cold shit right?

candles....

dim lighting...

glow....

low, soothing music...

dancing by myself...or maybe with you to a slow groove in the kitchen....

little moments just to enjoy life.

when my head can fall back and my mouth open...teeth exposed...not a care in the world.

we are living in the last days...

but it's not like that....

living in the last days before baby simms comes...and our lives are completely changed forever.

living in the last days of...

-being able to sleep in
-being able to stay up...just because we want to
-being able to get up and go without thinking about someone else
-being able to only think about ourselves

as much as possible, i'm trying to take advantage of these last days now....

next week, i'm treating myself to a manicure and pedicure...i'd like a massage but we'll see how that goes.  if i could, i'd buy some new clothes...but the way my belly is set up right now, it's not even worth it lol.

these are the last days of sitting in starbucks for hours on end and doing work.
these are the last days of hopping in the car and driving down to maryland just because we feel like it.
these are the last days of having no children.

here's to the rest of our lives....

we haven't seen our best days yet.

the things i'm learning in this wife life...

i don't always have to have the last word.

i don't always have to say something.

being meek, gentle, humble, and quiet is WAY more effective then saying and doing the most.  too much energy wasted.

every time i purpose myself to be meek, gentle, humble and quiet...please beleeeeeee that is the same instance where the enemy will have my husband say or do something that makes me want to go jsnon'sgnsdgkbs'g[nsgnjskdgndnNIGGAomdfksmgknsgsngsngsngsklngs.  yup.  happens EVERY time.

just more proof that we really don't wrestle against flesh and blood but against evil powers and principalities and spiritual wickedness in high places.  seems like Satan HATES the power and the unity that comes out of Godly marriage.  i believe he has imps specifically assigned to snuff out marriage and break those unions.

if there's a problem, i can be proactive about it and fix it myself, instead of criticizing my husband.

if there's a problem, i shouldn't always be so hesitant and harbor it either.  i'm still finding that delicate balance of discernment to know when to address it with my husband, when to shut my mouth and do it myself, and when to simply take it to the Holy Ghost in prayer.

it is truly not good for man to be alone.

i am my husband's helper.  this means, for all of his prowess in other areas, i carry a certain strength that he does not possess.  God joined us together so that i could help him.  it is my responsibility to determine how to do this and to act on it.

words are very powerful.  they are seeds that can bear sweet or bitter fruit.  i must be very careful how i use them.

little nuggets...each and every day.

i have underestimated my husband in alot of ways.  i never thought i did, but my thoughts have clearly manifested in my actions towards him.  this weekend, listening to him talk about his plans and dreams, watching him interact with other men, i realized how wrong i have been.  i had to repent.

my husband is a unicorn.  lol.

we have both changed tremendously since we first met each other in 2006.  we have both changed tremendously since we were engaged....since we were married.  there's so much more growth in store.

i am REALLY in love with my husband (but i already knew this tee hee hee).  it gives me a great joy that i can't explain when i can please him and meet his needs, not just physically, but in every aspect.

i need a special grace to be his wife and truly reverence him as my one and only husband.

YS

I need an inner cleanse.  I'm not sure what that means at this moment...

Just kinda feel weighted down...and it's not the baby weight lol.

By faith, Yvonne gave up an Assistant Director position at a nationally-renowned charter school to become....

fill in the blank because that part I'm not even sure about...

By faith Moses' parents put him in a basket and hid him from the Egyptians who were killing Hebrew boys....did they know what was to come of their child?

By faith, God told Abraham to leave him home and he did....did Abraham know what he was going to  face?  Did he know how God was going to test him again and again?  I wonder if Abraham ever got scared?  I wonder if, when laying awake at night, he tossed and turned, eventually crying out to God..."what am i doing?"  Or was Abraham just that gangsta that he just believed God?  Was Abraham not human?  The Bible says he staggered not at the promises of God.  What does it mean to stagger not at the promises of God?  Does it mean that you never EVER raise your eyebrow and question..."ummm God, what's going on here?"  Is there no room for that?  Obviously he kept going and obtained the promises.  However comma, I want to hear those deep intimate conversations that Abraham had with God, late in the midnight hour when crap was looking real dismal.

God, what have you promised me?  Joy.  Peace....the two of which I don't have much of right now.

All those issues I thought I'd quelled before...all of the anxiety I thought I'd settled before came rushing back this morning.

You said leave....I'm leaving...

launching out into the very very very deep.

i can't go back.  that's not an option at this point.  on the outside looking in, i know people think i am REALLY stupid.  i know it.  some mornings i wake up and feel really stupid.  i'm not a stupid person and i know this is the enemy's way of casting fear and doubt into my mind.

so i have to hold on to my faith and not my fear of the unknown.

"looking unto Jesus who is the author and the finisher of my faith"

"that my faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God"

Pastor Thomas said to me on Sunday...

"You're not going down, you're going up"
"Cast all of your cares on Him"
"He's preparing you"
"Your annointing is yours, not your husband's"
"Your ears are being opened"

God, you are not the author of confusion....so where I am confused, give me understanding and insight.

God, you have not given me fear, but love, power, and a sound mind.

God, your righteous ones shall live by faith.

God, my faith shall not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

God, you are not a man that you should lie, nor the son of man that you should repent.

God, you know the plans you have for me.  They are to give me a hope and a future..

God, you love me with an everlasting love.

God, you are my shepherd and I shall not want for anything at all.  You lead me beside still waters, you make me lie down in green pastures.  You lead me down the path of righteousness for your name.  Even though I walk through the valley where the shadows of death hover over me, I don't have anything to fear because you're always with me.  It's your guidance and your correction and the knowing that you care enough to lead me which gives me comfort.  You annoint my head with oil.  You prepare a table of abundance before me in the presence of my enemies.  My cup is running over. Surely it is your goodness and your mercy that shall follow me all of the days of my life (including today) and I shall dwell in the house of The Lord forever.

God, they that wait upon The Lord shall renew their strength.  So I wait on you today Lord, because you are my strength and there is no other resource for it besides you.

I will concede....

Real life isn't romantic.  But perhaps I guess it's what you (or I) make it.

Because I remember nights when walking through the park hand-in-hand was all I wanted to do
And now, you walk 10 steps ahead of me and don't even know when I've stopped.
And I sit up at night wanting/waiting to be touched....and settle for the offer of the crook of your arm.
So instead of strolling I walk quickly to get it over with....because you don't seem that interested in it anyway.  And perhaps you're tired.  You have been out all day. It just makes me wonder..."is this the way it's going to be?"  Where our silence becomes normal and we settle for complacency.

This is just the way things are.

"Did I tell you you looked beautiful today?".....hours after the makeup is gone and I've tried my best.  It's not an afterthought right? But I remember when that was the first thing out of your mouth.

I don't ask what's on your mind because you're never eager to share. Don't want to badger you.

#awkwardsmile

Real life isn't romantic.

And here I was being an optimist.

as i read this morning, the story of Gideon resonates so much with me.

indeed, His grace is sufficient for me.  and in my weaknesses, He makes me strong.

Tell me why my own strength fails
To provide you with a grace that will prevail
You Holy One are my strength today
And Lord you will have it no other way....

YS

oh what a difference a year makes....

yes, what a difference a year makes....

i started this job on July 15th, 2013, weeks after our wedding.

on july 15th, 2014, i was discussing maternity leave, short term disability pay, and my final resignation date with an HR representative.

i left the classroom for good.  

now i'm leaving mastery for good and not looking back.  

i am having a baby girl in october.

i am in the last week of the second trimester.  my body is more fatigued now and i'm super tired by the time 6:00 p.m. rolls around.

i'm also preparing to launch my business in January.

there's alot going on.

God, not my will but your will be done.  if it's for me, show me.  if it's not, close the door.

in Jesus' name.  amen.

men do not understand.

that my faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God

Cynthia:  i mean

how is baby simms doing? back flipping and such

 me:  doing exactly that right now.  probably because i had this iced latte earlier this morning.

besides that, i'm on my personal development mission.

 Cynthia:  what dat mean?

 me:  taking this free online course through Penn called "Total Leadership" taught by the author of this book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1422103285/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=31550731757&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2062916297643681140&hvpone=&hvptwo=27&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_7g5z0lth94_e

 Cynthia:  spelling of "dat" is intentional

 me:  lol.  basically preparing for the next phase of my life.

being firm about what my values are.  establishing a vision for the next 15 years of my life.

trying to find cohesiveness and balance in all areas of my life rather than balance and let some suffer while i pursue otheres.

 Cynthia:  so you get up on that counseling though

 me:  basically being ok and true to myself.

no.  i haven't gone to counseling with a doctor.

i have been careful to seek counsel from people i consider to be mentors and most have a christian perspective.

my pastor's wife, my worship team leader, my Bishop and a few other folks who i felt comfortable talking to.

 Cynthia:  it's your life. and live it accordingly. but when you break your toe. you pray

AND go get a cast

and i'll leave it at that

 Sent at 3:19 PM on Tuesday

 me:  lol. ok. yea, i've pretty much made up in my mind that i'm not going to a "doctor".  i have never felt comfortable with the idea and in the end, i don't think they'll give me what i need.

 Sent at 3:21 PM on Tuesday

 me:  what i need is a space to be honest with my foolishness and shortcomings and strategies to help me move past that and grow....and i can fairly say that i have that and i'm using it.

 Cynthia:  like i said your choice. and if you're not receptive, there isn't a point

 me:  so my toe is broken...i pray...but i've also been practical to seek to seek wise counsel from folks who get it.

true.

 Cynthia:  we disagree, but it's not my life.

 me:  indeed.

 Sent at 3:23 PM on Tuesday

 me:  and that's ok.  but overall, i'm in a good place...kinda like i'm on the brink of something great...but i'm not really sure what that is yet.

 Cynthia:  i'm happy that you're in a good place

 Sent at 3:25 PM on Tuesday

 Cynthia:  i've seen when you aren't. and that's what concerns me. i'm leaving it there. you've surrounded yourself with what you feel comfortable with and I respect that

 Sent at 3:26 PM on Tuesday

 me:  yes...i know what happens when i'm not in a good place...but the one thing i've come to realize is that i can make all the excuses in the world for all of things i believe i can't control...OR i can act as someone who has been given the authority and agency to change what i can control...

 Sent at 3:29 PM on Tuesday

 me:  i know when i feel myself slipping into dark places...and most of the time it's nothing instant...it's a slow and slippery descent into self-pity, closing myself off to others, and a whole lot of negative thoughts in my mind...i know what my triggers are...i know what's dangerous for me and i've continued to go there...

 Sent at 3:30 PM on Tuesday

 me:  i''m kinda tired of being sad all the damn time. to me it's a state of mind and one that i can overcome...most of it comes from being mindful of my thoughts and mindful of what i'm consuming on a daily basis.

 Sent at 3:32 PM on Tuesday

 me:  the further i am away from God, the more i run...the worse my life gets...and that has been the cycle of my life.

 Sent at 3:34 PM on Tuesday

 me:  and it's not in some super spiritual or super deep way....i'm human...i can never be perfect so i've stopped trying to do that...but i have to commune with Him...talk to Him...be close to Him...led by Him....everytime i've tried to run or be something that i KNOW i'm not, it hasn't turned out well for me...and that's not my Bishop or anyone else talking...that's me reflecting on the up and down cycles of my life...depression, selfishness, laziness, being a bad {insert relationship here}...you name it.

Cynthia:  i hear you.

and don't really disagree with anything that you've said.

and my toe analogy was not to disregard the role that all of the people that have been supportive of you in your life

OR

the role that you've had in contributing to your sadness and unhappiness

my job as your friend is to challenge you, help you be the best you, and help you seen options before you

and all that my point has ever been

was that there is an entire profession of people dedicated to being supportive of you becoming aware of and addressing behaviors

so if it's a challenge that you have repeatedly faced, consider it

you've considered

realized it's not for you

and i respect that.  still my job to present the option. those are my 2.5 cents. which i shall refrain from given the conversation at hand

 Sent at 3:41 PM on Tuesday

 me:  i've always respected you for challenging me, especially because i know you have my best interest at hand.  i have considered it and i understand they have expertise in that area.  i have not completely ruled it out.  i simply choose not to utilize their services at this time.

 Sent at 3:47 PM on Tuesday

 Cynthia:  i hear you. and it sounds like you have a game plan in place

 Sent at 3:50 PM on Tuesday

 

every day it is more and more evident (to me and others) that there is a baby inside of me.

gee.

#bigappetite
#smallstomach
#bigbelly


smh.

Quiet.

Peace and quiet.

That's why I need to get up early in the morning.

2.5 weeks until the BEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but i need a bathing suit tho...

#lawdhammercy

YC

Gotta sing i won't complain as I walk into work today.........

But you beloved....

In 2 months I'll be 27.  Whoa.

Can I tell you a secret.  I have stopped dreaming.  Literally and figuratively.  There's an erie stillness to my psyche these days.  I can stare off into space for hours and not be moved.  I'm not sure that I like it.  I'm not sure what it is.  Perhaps fear?  Yes.  Maybe that's what it is.  Perhaps uncertainty about what God wants me to do with this life.

My vision book is lodged somewhere underneath the crap in my trunk and it's been there for a couple of months now.  Everything I wrote down for 2014 has somehow stalled.

Yes.  I got scared.  I see myself as a grasshopper.  As a pretender and not capable of doing the things I say I want to do.  I use so many excuses.  I run away from challenge and change.  I freeze. I cut good people off.  I withdraw.  And I am still unsatisfied.

I am scared that if it doesn't work I would have wasted all my time and energy.
I am scared that if it doesn't work that I'll have no one to blame but myself and I'll wallow in an endless cycle of self pity.
I am scared that no one will like what I have to produce.
I am scared of taken the uncharted path.
I am scared to step out on faith because mine right now is so little, so frail, so small.

I can't have small faith and big dreams.  The two don't go together.

But you beloved, building yourself up on your most holy faith, keep yourself in the love of God by praying in the Holy Ghost.

And The Lord said to Joshua, Fear not,  for I am with thee.

I've got to grab hold to something substantive or this will be me forever.

0_o

all in all...

today was a good day.

the officeeeeee...

*blinks eyes repeatedly*

i'm going iiiiiinnnnnn...i'm going iinnnnnnnn.....i'm going iiiiiinnnnnn....i'm going iiiiinnnnnnn

and imma go hard.

le sigh.

i wake up each morning.

but i'm not quite sure what my purpose is.

i haven't found that thing that makes me excited to get up and go.

i surely don't want to be 30 or 50 still wondering what that thing is.

so God....why exactly did you put me on this earth?

i really want to know.  i'd like to start pursuing it sooner than later?  or....will it begin pursuing me?  

help.

love,

your child,

Yvonne

"fret not theyself...."

i just noticed the name of this blog is "The Rebirth".

i shared with my husband last night that this is the first time in my life that i don't really know what i'm doing.  everything that i thought i was is about to be dismantled.  the titles.  the degrees. the career.  the job.

i am a self-made woman.

not it's time for God to really show me who i am.

the possibilities are limitless.

this morning i prayed about my future after the birth of our child.

and God said to me....

you will be still and know that I am God.

still

¹still

 adjective \ˈstil\

: not moving

: lacking motion or activity

photography —used to describe an ordinary photograph that does not show movement as compared to a movie

Full Definition of STILL

1

a :  devoid of or abstaining from motion

b archaic :  sedentary

c :  not effervescent <still wine>

d (1) :  of, relating to, or being a static photograph as contrasted with a motion picture (2) :  designed for taking still photographs <a still camera> (3) :  engaged in taking still photographs <a still photographer>

2

a :  uttering no sound :  quiet

b :  subdued, muted

3

a :  calm, tranquil

b :  free from noise or turbulence

know

¹know

 verb \ˈnō\

: to have (information of some kind) in your mind

: to understand (something) : to have a clear and complete idea of (something)

: to have learned (something, as a skill or a language)

knew  known  know·ing

Full Definition of KNOW

transitive verb

1

a (1) :  to perceive directly :  have direct cognition of (2) :  to have understanding of <importance of knowing oneself>(3) :  to recognize the nature of :  discern

b (1) :  to recognize as being the same as something previously known (2) :  to be acquainted or familiar with (3) :  to have experience of

2

a :  to be aware of the truth or factuality of :  be convinced or certain of

b :  to have a practical understanding of <knows how to write>

because my husband is amazing...

that is all.

right now, i am full of fear.

full of it.

and pride.

and anger.

and pissivity (is that a word?  ok, i know it's not a word...)

and vulnerability.

and restlessness.

and an immense feeling to just walk away and not deal with any of this.

and i am really, really fatigued from all of the thoughts going on in my mind.

being married doesn't suck.  i actually like it alot.

it's just a level of vulnerability and exposure that i've never had to deal with.  yes, i keep most people at a distance because i'd rather them not see how fucked up i really am on the inside.  even those who are closest to me (i.e. cynthia) tread lightly when it comes to talking to me about my "issues".  but maybe that's always been the problem.  people treading lightly with me.  or maybe it's me putting up major defenses so no one really knows how to break down my walls.

i don't want to share and i am super selfish and that makes me a bad person i suppose. meehhhhh.  i know i know.  it is more blessed to give than to receive right?  but i guess sharing was implied in the marriage vows.  and now i don't have a choice.  well...actually i do.  i guess it's my resistance that's making all of this so difficult.  so why does it feel like i have no choice or agency?  or whatever slivers of it remain are slowly slipping through my hands as time goes by.  didn't i spend the last 10 years of my life to get here only to just give it all up? $40,000 worth of worthless debt.  college.  masters.  climbing a ladder to....nowhere?

to be a mother who pushes around her kid's stroller all day and watches them swing in the park.  for real...if i woulda known He was setting me up for that...UPENN coulda kept their lackluster education and i could be spending nearly $300 a month on....i dunno...savings for this here baby that's on the way.

but if i say i'm angry with God then that makes me a bad person.  why am i not grateful?  why am i not thankful?  on the outside looking in everyone says that i am blessed.  so why do i feel like crap?  

God....God....God....God....God.....

You said You would show me the things i would have to suffer.....

i don't even know what or who you want me to be....i thought i had it all figured out....

now i feel like i'm back to square one.....

and i don't quite like this feeling.  actually i don't like it at all.  

i suppose there will be glory after this....

the road to glory is not sexy at all.

not at all.

headache on a hundred thousand trillion.

iron pill anyone?

I think I can hear myself breaking inside....

I suppose it's a good thing....

I don't want to be around people much lately....

No, don't ask me how I'm feeling because "like shit" might just be my response.

I am angry.  I am disappointed.  I am fearful.

And no, I don't want a Bible verse right now.

And yes, I know Jesus is the answer for the world today.

And I still want to be selfish. And I still want to travel the world.  And I still want to have my own money with my own bank account and not have to worry about how my bills and debt are going to be paid.

And yes, that's probably why this is so hard.  Because I'm stubborn as hell.

And yes,  this pregnancy is right on time because there is no other way He can get out of me what He wants if I don't do this....right now.

Le sigh.

Bro-ken.

Bro-ken.

it's hard to believe that last month it was snowing....

seasons come and seasons go.

as it is in the natural, so it is in the spiritual.

and last year i was in a different season that i am in now...and in october, i will be in a different season...

did not God tell me that He was going to show me what i would have to suffer for His namesake...

i am reminded of that prophecy today as i try rest rather than wrestle.

because even in winter, God is preparing us for spring....and something is growing...

there is seed time...and there is harvest time.

Mornings like this
I wish
I could drive off
Into oblivion

ojfbswfojamwfjkfleajs fslbinvlsvbsoe'vflnesvjsbd usbfo'ejsk bdevuowi'ebfb/euowf

that's pretty much an accurate representation of my innards right now.

i really just want to scream right now....at everybody...and everything...for real.

people who send me text messages in all CAPS
people who underestimate my intelligence and experience
people who are going through the motions
people who micromanage me

but that would probably not be productive....

so let me go harness this energy in a positive way.

wait...before that, i'm going to close my eyes and imagine myself on a beach with white sand, blue water, and like 2 people...a fruity drink in one hand and some sort of fried doughy pastry covered in powdered sugar in my left.

everyone can pretty much kick rocks right now.

tantrum over.

back to reality.

boom.

Another day to restart.....

Thanks be to God.

Why am I still struggling with God in this way?  Why is there so much fear and anxiety in my heart?  Why, when I try to pray do I find it so difficult?  Do I not believe?

Kumquats, belly bands, and nipple cream

I wonder if I'll soon get tired of reading pregnancy "tips" and exhaustive lists of "do'a and don'ts. Jut like the world has commercialized EVERYTHING else, they've found numerous ways to make more than a buck off of what should be one of the most precious times in a woman's life.  Websites like the bump.com and pregnancycenter.com are littered with countless advertisements of everything from umbilical cord preservation services to maternity bras.  Blehhhhhhhh.  Almost makes me nauseous again.  I don't doubt that we will have to shell out money in the months coming (well lets face it, in the years coming lol) but can we just enjoy this time as new parents.  All I want to know is how big the baby is and your website insists on selling me "belly bands" to place over my growing stomach so I can still wear my regular pants.  I get it. Where there is a need, regardless of how weird or seemingly taboo (nipple cream anyone?), there will be someone with a hand stuck out to make a profit.  This is America where capitalism reigns.  As for me and my house,  I think I'm going to hold out a few weeks longer even though my pants are snug as all outdoors and my dresses make me look like I had one too many helpings at mother's kitchen.  It's the principal I suppose lol.  In the meantime,  I'll still keep checking the websites weekly to determine what uncommon and exotic fruit my baby's size will be compared to.  Kumquat Simms?

Oh. Ok.

My relationship with food right now is contentious, if not downright violent.  I find no pleasure in eating except to calm the rocky hunger pangs in my stomach.  I crave something different every single day.  My stomach is holding less which means I am eating less....and I am hungry more.  If I dare miss a meal,  my body punishes me by heaving until green bile spews out of my mouth.  Sometimes,  I find it sickeningly cathartic but I know it's abusive.  The prenatal pill makes me a different type of nauseous. The slightest aromas, pleasant or not, are aggressive and attack my sense of smell like a ninja, creeping up unaware and then POW! out of nowhere, my brain is scrambling trying to hold my stomach at bay, and keep an appropriate/non-offensive look on my face if I am in the presence of people.  My own mother's body odor offended me so much last weekend that I had to sit across the table from her at a restaurant.  I used to love sticking my face into my husband's armpit after he had slathered on some fresh deodorant.  Now,  I cringe at the very thought.

God has intricately designed these things to be so. Who am I to question?  It would be nice to like food again but soon and very soon all will be back to normal again.  On the meantime, I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my personal day forcing root chips down my throat for the sake of having something in my stomach.

what the hell am i doing with my life?

just really wanting to rise above it all.

the drudgery.

the muck and the mire of everyday life.

it's not that bad...but there's so much going on...

sometimes it's difficult to maintain sight of the light at the end of the tunnel...

this can't be it...this can't be all that there is.

there has got to be more.

financial freedom.

living our dreams and not just talking about it.

we must endure.

we must endure.

we must endure.

and the results will be so much sweeter when they are achieved.

le sigh.

california tomorrow.  so i shall rejoice about that!

"sometimes God has to stretch us..."-Pastor Imani.

"Fear repels, negativity repels, anger repels, resentment kills everything. RECONNECT If your heart is not in it get out of it or change it. Tell people why you do what you do. Show them why you do it. Connect with your value and your truth and infuse it into every part of your business YOU ARE WORTH THAT. Because the worst thing that can happen is you will be filled with joy. It doesn’t take long for joy to attract."
today i am reminded of those words, luke 17, and how this applies to every aspect of my life.  i'm striving towards God's perfect image of me.

and yes...

my body hurts right now...

but i keep pressing.

God.

I'm so sick of being on the crap side of money.

Since I have been working, I have never had more than enough.

I'm so tired of never having more than enough.

I'm so tired of living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm so tired of working to pay debt.

I'm so tired of working and not enjoying money that I earn.

It is more blessed to give than to receive...certainly.

God we need serious seed to sow.  SERIOUS seed to sow.

Lord.

0_o

This week has picked up really quickly and i realize how full of a life i really do have.

i have this dream.  God how do i make it a reality?

 

the fact is, i work all day and well into the evenings.  my saturdays and sundays are full. when do i truly have time schedule natural light shoots?

saturdays after church is my best bet.  whenever i get a major holiday as will.

i have thr3ee shoots scheduled for the next two weeks but all with church people....guess i will maxmimze those opportunities to shoot.

i'd also like to shoot seniors as well. 

so, by the end of January,  i'd like to:

-conclude the church shoots (editing and delivery of Pastor Imani, The Overtons, Daishaneen, and Elder Kim)

-establish website host (leaning towards squarespace) and website layout established)

-have branding package finished (colors, fonts, logo/watermark and 2 variations, 

-complete 1 beauty test shoot for portfolio building with Shinaya (Monday, January 20th)

-begin process of advertising and recuruting for styled senior shoots and building team of juniors (c/0 2015).  

lots to do.  there is time.  i believe there is time.  it's simply about how i schedule it and set my goals.

remaining positive in 2014.

YC

how did i EVER live without an iPad?

i think i have officially become appled out....

sad, but true.  and to think, i was so against it!

now i have a macbook pro, an iPhone and an iPad (courtesy of my loving husband).

perfect trifecta.

perfect.

YC

I've spent hours this Winter Break thinking about business, strategies, marketing, branding, colors, fonts, etc.  I'm going full force ahead with this photography business and i will pursue it until God says stop.  one Friday, i asked him, "God, if you want me to continue…let me know- clearly.  if this is just a pipe dream or something i made up in my head, let me know."

sure enough, God answers prayers.  the next day at church during praise and worship rehearsal, Bishop scheduled a shoot for church leaders and he said they had to look "fabulous".  it was my opportunity to be behind the camera once more and i seized it.  the pictures looked fabulous and completely different that the first shoot.  while it wasn't the "modern/contemporary glamour" that i am striving to achieve,  it was definitely something new, something fresh, and just the boost and assurance i needed.  it was a signal that this is it.  

i don't claim to know everything right now.  i don't know everything there is to know about lighting or exposure or photoshop or applying filters.  what i do know is that when i'm behind the camera, i love it.  when i'm sitting at my computer editing my work, i love it.  when i see the final product, i love it.  i do know that i love it when people, especially women, see their final images and they love it as well.  many of the women i encounter who find themselves in front of my camera are shy, insecure, and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is "i don't take good pictures".  they are acutely aware of the features that they think are too wide, too small, too curvy, too ugly, too fat, too [fill in the blank].  however, most never tell me the features which i think are absolutely BEAUTIFUL.  

as a portrait photographer, it's my job to find, focus on, and enhance the natural and God-given beauty so that she sees it for herself.  when a woman sees the pictures i have taken of her, i want her to cry, laugh, smile, down right feel giddy.  i want her to treasure them forever.  i want her to see her best self.  i want her to see her beautiful self, past all of her self perceived imperfections.  she is perfect in every way because she is beautifully and wonderfully made by God who made her in His image.  formed and fashioned perfectly, God took time to make you delicate yet strong.  elegant, yet substantive.  soft, yet sturdy.   Woman, you were made In The Image of God.  

so as i spend these countless hours thinking about a new brand (because of course, it is a new season!), let me not forget what a brand is.

"marketing is what you do.  branding is who you are."  i keep thinking about the customer i want to attract.  i certainly don't want them to be attracted to a lie.  i want them to be attracted to me.  they have to know me and trust me in order for them to feel comfortable enough to let me take pictures of them and capture their beauty.  they have to feel safe with me.  so i must declare and decree who i am and live that truth.   i am beautiful.  i am fearfully and wonderfully made.  i believe that everyone is beautiful because they are made in the image of God.  i believe in simplicity.  less is certainly more.  i think everyone should have the opportunity to have a life filled with joy, happiness, and satisfaction.  if i can add to that, then i am doing my part.

so this is the year that i dispel and decimate negative thinking, fear, anger, resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, malice, strife.  i've been trying to make this super deep but it's not.  some things i should just let go because i've used them as excuses to cover up the real me.  to cover up the God in me.  this is my season to shine.  to step forth radiantly and beautifully.  

i asked God in the bathroom (my altar), to make me attractive to people.  i said i didn't know how to attract people.  i felt like i repelled them.  i left 2013 with less friends…alienated from people.  those things i mentioned above WERE the things making me unattractive.  i declare and decree that they have no more power over me.

i'm returning back to scouring the internet for fonts and colors (lol), but i leave with these words from my portrait artist/businesswoman inspiration, Sue Bryce, resonating with me:

"Fear repels, negativity repels, anger repels, resentment kills everything. RECONNECT If your heart is not in it get out of it or change it. Tell people why you do what you do. Show them why you do it. Connect with your value and your truth and infuse it into every part of your business YOU ARE WORTH THAT. Because the worst thing that can happen is you will be filled with joy. It doesn’t take long for joy to attract."