as i lugged my fifty bags (ok, maybe not that many, but i am a bag lady for sure) out of my car, i kept saying to myself...
"i miss my boo boo...i miss my boo boo...i miss my boo boo...."...i guess i was doing it without thought until i realized what i was saying and that i probably should be more alert to my surrounds...
but no, really...i miss my man.
*sigh*
friday at sundown.
and the sun goes down early.
until then, it's me and you God. me and you.
i'll be on my way back from the senior class trip to NYC. hopefully, while i'm there, i can scope out some fun things to do for us. i purchased tickets to a play, and i already have a good restaurant in mind....Lord knows i'm not about that walking around in the cold life, but if he wants it, then he gets it....i have never been so selfless. if he wants it, he can have it. i love him sooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking much. i can't contain my joy when i'm with him. i can't wipe the smile off of my face when i'm near him or even when i think about him. i just want to officially be his, and him mine. i love him, i love him, i love him and i can only believe that God made him just for me. i love him God. thank you so much for him. when i think about the love i have for him, sometimes it makes me want to cry because i didn't think i was capable of such emotion. and the awesome thing is that there's room for more.
in other news...
tonight was the final night of Spirit and Truth's month-long 20th anniversary celebration. at first, i praise and worship was a little shaky, but i remembered pastor sheila's fierce prayer beforehand and she kept invoking prayers that matched the lyrics of our songs....
the first song was a little shaky....don't sing loud AND be wrong...u throw everyone off! lol. but after about five minutes, we got into it. i gave it all that i had...to the point that my stomach hurt (in a good way of course) after it was all said and done. i even led two praise songs, one of which ron usually does. pastor steph joined us and led the worship portion....and it really just flowed....
God is good.
The Honorable Former Mayor Wilson Goode, Sr. was our guest preacher...i wasn't so much moved by the delivery (very baptist-esque lol) BUT he went to Isaiah 40...talked about waiting on the Lord and renewing our strength in Him. God whispered that to me a few days ago...and i keep hearing it.
after service, pastor thomas asked me "where's Ron?"....and i smiled. i mean...super cheese...like all of my teeth showing smile. i tried to wipe it off...she said "that's ok"...then she said, "you know, you smile a lot now"....
i'm thankful that i'm not the same person i was a year ago when i first began attending the church. i used to be mean. crotchety. unkind. nasty. rude. standoffish.
bishop pulled me to the side and said to me once, "you're mean."
i said, "i know".
he replied, "people are naturally attracted to you. but once they get up close, they're repelled by you."
and so, i meditated upon what he said and made a concerted effort to ask God for joy. and joy, He has truly given me. i'm so thankful.
now i'm home.
God, thank you for today. thank you for your salvation and your grace and mercy. thank you for your love and your forgiveness. thank you for considering me and being mindful of me, even when i forget about you. thank you for your faithfulness.
you're a mighty God and i love you.
30 November 2011
famished.
no real food in my fridge.
omw to church. might have to make a pit stop beforehand.
the sun is clearly down right now.
jesus help me.
omw to church. might have to make a pit stop beforehand.
the sun is clearly down right now.
jesus help me.
29 November 2011
oh my how things have changed...
i'm sitting here taking a look at all of my internet blogs. i've kept a blog since i was a sophomore in high school (14 years old).....i've ranted about school, significant others, family, religion, you name it. it's interesting to reflect on how far God has brought me....i was actually searching through my first blogger and my xanga and came across these interesting nuggets...
TUESDAY, JUNE 08, 2004
i dont like it when people insult my father. i hate it. because they dont know our story, our struggle...ALL THE SHIT that we've been through. i hate it especially when my mother tries to say something about him, because she has the NERVE to talk about ANYONE.
she's all on that holier than thou crap and i'm not too sure how i feel about it. went to her church on sunday. the one she kept telling me about. "oh they're really good"....hmm, first of all i'm not too fond of african preachers. there are a few types of people who i'm skeptikal of.
first of all there's men who wear bow ties (i.e. mayor anthony williams)
second of all i'm leary of people who preach on television AND ask for "gifts" aka cold hard cash. it is my belief that many (not all) of these fools are preying on people like my mother. people who are down on their luck. no hope. no life. no one to love them. people who are at the lowest points in their lives. indeed, that's what the word of christ calls christians to do. i understand that christ's message was to reach out to those whom no one else will reach out to. but CLEARLY christ did not ask for $gifts when he was ministering. EVEryTHING cost money on christian television. from motivational tapes, to sermons, to mugs, rosaries and t-shirts. i'm not down with them selling the faith, especially to my mother.
i'm also leary of the "african born again."
now anyone who is familiar with born again christians knows that they are VOCAL and excited about their faith. more power to them. do ya thing. but AFRICAN born again christians irk me/borderline freak me out. africans always have a way of mixing the primitive with the modern, the civilized with the scary. thus, they combine things that shouldn't be combined. christ and voodoo are weird.
now i'm not trying to say that my mother does voodoo. heck no. she aint that crazy, but i'm just wondering if this faith thing is going too far. maybe she's excited about it. after all, it's the one thing she has going for herself. her career is gone. her man is gone. all the people who she thought were her friend are gone. now all she has is her family, and her faith. so of course, i understand that she would cling to it. but my mother has never been down with all that loud noise making and holy roly crap that i saw at her church.
sunday. oh boy. first of all it was hot. like 95. i pulled out a sleeveless shirt to wear to church and asked her if she thought it was appropriate. she said no, and gave me a shirt to wear. now it was a nice shirt...
for 60 or 70 degree weather. however, lets cut the jokes beacuse rayon and polyester blends dont do well in heat. fuck. so she made me wear the shirt. fine. i didn't argue.
when we finally pulled up to the church, which was in its new stages of building, i had an open mind. i'm game for whatever most of the time. when i walked in the door, i figured, "ok this isn't going to be so bad". the people were friendly enough and all patted me on the head, as if they were waiting for the arrival of my mother's dog, instead of my mother's daughter.
sike naw, they were really nice....a little too nice if u ask me, but i brushed my shoulders off and proceeded to walk into the sanctuary. i wanted to know where all the commotion was coming from. since the church is brand new, they had yet to have their lights cut on. so it was dark with no ac. however, since church hadn't started, most of the seats were empty. but the commotion was coming from TWO women who walked up and down the center aisles shouting, jumping, dancing around, and....
speaking in tongues.
now if there's one thing i DONT get down with, it's speaking in tongues. especially when african people do it. that shit crossed the line for me. it really did.
do u know these ladies just jumped and hollered and made noise for the next thirty minutes. WHAT? by the time the service started, i wanted to make a mad dash for the car. every bone in my body wanted to. i really wanted to tell my mother "Oh hell naw", but i couldn't do that. shit. so pretty much, i had to stay. bootleg church. that's what i call it. the preacher was actually good, i'll give him his props, but i dont like the way he looked at me, and held my hand for a long time when he met me. no no. can someone say, "uncomfortable"
lets cut the jokes. when u speak in tongues, everyone is supposed to have their own language, because they're talking to God in a language that only the two can understand. but everyone who spoke in tongues seemed like they had the same thing to say. it all sounded the same to me.
"shanta....shanta ali babba shanta"
i was waiting for someone to say "ali babba and the 40 thieves"...lets cut the jokes like anika would say. please.
i'm not down with their style of worship. for real i'm not. it's a little too eccentric for me. but i mean, i guess it's about what u like and prefer. me. well i don't like or prefer those fools.
this is supposed to be a vacation but it's sucking the life out of me. i haven't seen a music video since i've gotten down here. nor have i listened to normal folks radio aka "secular crap" according to my mother. ARGH. if i hear ONE more christian rock song....somebody HELP ME! all she does is listen to that and those preaching broadcasts. i mean, nothing will be worse than brother "harold campings."
melanie, u know what i'm talking about. he's what i like to call and "learned" self-interpreter of the bible.
I THOUGHT nothing could be worse than him until i pretty much listened to this broadcast last night on the radio about homosexuality. i'm not even faking, they had some bible verses to back up what they were talking about. but then they started talking about the cause of someone wanting to be a transvestite, and that's pretty much when vonney boo proceeded to be done.
"now lets say there's a little boy who's ten and he has a sister who is 8. the little boy hears all the time that the little girl is a "princess" and "daddy's little angel." the little boy, wanting this attention from his father, starts going into the girls closet and wearing the little girls clothes, because he wants that attention from daddy too."
thus, folks, u have a transvestite. voila. easy as that nasty mac and cheese shit u make in the microwave.
iight, so this afternoon, i tell my mother that i need to make a doctor's appointment. no, my father has not had alot of time to schedule me one or take me there. but i had a physical in november. so what has been the point. i dont get sick like that. anyway she says that he's been to busy chasing the "almighty dollar".....
that ticked me the fuck off. it seems small, but the way she said it, it's like she was indicting my father or something. i told her ass off . yes he's chasing the damn dollar, cause who the hell else would have put me through school? you? HA. what a joke. if my father had some ugly looking navigator, or esaclade or some shit like that, i could get down with her comment, BUT NO....he doesn't have much....and he's struggling trying to make ends meet with TWO full time jobs. she said it like he's working that hard to have extra cash and be selfish and greedy and buy shit that doesn't even matter. BUT fact of the matter is that my father doesn't have that much spending cash. all of his money goes in some way to his children. he has made SO many sacrifices....and rightly so, because he's doing what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. i have MUCH respect for him and everything that he's done. and that's alot more than i can say for her. i don't even KNOW why she went there. i will always honor and defend my father because he means that much to me, and i will go hard when someone speaks badly of him.
thinking about it has me mad. shit.
Tuesday, 18 July 2006
A Poem for Soulymane.
i wrote this poem in africa and shared it with lena last night.
A Poem for Soulymane
you died a purple cloth for me
astutely carrying the weight of life
on her head
hibiscus headwrap
wound tightly around the
center of thought
This cloth moves me to look
deeper than the hue
perhaps you can explain it?
blank expressions
eyes absent
but the hibiscus head wrap
remains ornate and
prominent.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Soulymane
Souly
like Soleil- 'the sun?'
Souly- non?
yes.
then i think, like Solomon.
so you are royalty
and bleed the wine-coloured blood of kings.
learned in the arts
and a professed lover.
so your heart lapses onto the canvas.
is this your blood on the headwrap?
stained and
decorated.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
you wrapped her head tightly
her thoughts can not escape
no eyes to stare
no nose to smell
the mouth cannot sing to you.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
You take my hand within yours.
larger and worn.
yet worked.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Let me look at you
and inhale the life I see before me.
if not, can I taste you?
swallow the blood spilled
and suck out your pain.
hold your breath and
I will make you purple again.
Do you like it?
Yes, I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes, I want it.
to be mine.
Shall we share our losses
Soulymane?
come and bare the secrets
only you know
and the lavender scent will escape
your soft tongue.
Stroke the painting sotly
and tell me what you think
about being blue.
love lingers not without
red hues.
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Currently Listening
The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3
By Jill Scott
My Love
thanksgiving has come and gone...
and i'm thankful. spent time with my cousing who i haven't seen in six years. wowsers.
i'm thankful AND i'm trying not to let situations and foolishness rain on my parade. cut the freaking jokes.
RS...is engaged. i feel like jill scott on that song, "My Love..." at least that's what i think the song is called. it's the new single where she's on the phone with some guy in the beginning and she discovers that he's engaged to marry someone else. UGH...he just met this chick like four months ago at the start of the school year...now they're planning on a life time together. excuse me for being skeptical (maybe a little jealous)...but he just told me about the chick three weeks ago because he didn't want to say anything "prematurely." negro please. and now all of a sudden you two are getting married? wtf? *rolling eyes* i'm done. i sent him a text message yesterday....
me: are u serious
ron: yes yvonne, and if u can't be happy for me then this is where our friendship ends. i don't want that to happen because i really love you
me: hmm. this is not young and restless. kill the drama cuz it's not that serious. i trust your judgement of character...but i'll reserve my own judgement until after i meet her....it's your life
note: i didn't say i accepted it. he's got to be kidding me! he's bunning up with me two months ago....now all of a sudden he's engaged to some random broad.
oh well. greater things are in store for me. thanks.
AND...
Sunday, 02 December 2007
finally coming to grips...
today, i finally came to grips that ron is happily engaged to somene else. i've been suppressing the emotions since i heard the news two weeks ago. then i told jb about the problem and his answer was long, yet simple.
papichulostump51 (3:15:39 AM): obviously not
papichulostump51 (3:15:49 AM): he played u pretty well i would say
papichulostump51 (3:16:38 AM): if u could see thru it, it woulda been over a long time ago
papichulostump51 (3:17:15 AM): the best way to play the field is to date one person at a time
papichulostump51 (3:17:21 AM): not multiple people
papichulostump51 (3:17:43 AM): when u do that, u hopefully find someone who is lookin for the same stuff u are
papichulostump51 (3:17:58 AM): when u date multiple ppl, u see different aspect of each person u like
papichulostump51 (3:18:24 AM): doesnt work that way, cuz then u dont wanna give either of them up cuz wat u really tryin to do is combine them to give u a complete dude
i started crying after line # 2.
he's true.
it's not fufilling and it only hurts me more in the long run. i'll never be satisfied that way.
God, it hurts so bad. like someone just hit my stomach with bricks.
still crying.
TO THIS...
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Currently Listening
Fearless
By Jazmine Sullivan
Lions, and Tigers, and Bears
see related
so date night got postponed...
until this evening. we'll see what he says. called him on my way to penn class last night and we both agreed it was HORRIBLE weather....
seriously, the weather stopped game five of the world series from continuing....nasty, cold, rainy....and wet....so we postponed things until tonight.
wonder what i'll wear.
let me give you that stats:
24
philly native (and willing tour guide)
former music teacher in Jersey
plays 13 musical instruments
aspiring songwriter
i can respect his hustle. i CANT respect your hustle if you make beats in your mothers basement all day. however, he lives in a 3 bedroom house with his godbrother...is extremely talented, and has the vision, passion, and work ethic to make his dreams come true. very nice.
we'll see if there's chemistry.
TO MY MOTHER'S TIMELY MESSAGE
Saturday, 13 June 2009
mommy's exhortation to me...wow.
June 13, 2009
Hi Yvonne,
I am sitting here quietly reading and meditating on the word of God, and you came forcefully to my mind, as I was looking up certain scriptures. So I am writing to exhort you.
Not so long ago you called me over the phone crying that you can’t help it that you feel compelled and that you have surrendered your life to Christ, how that somebody you met on the airplane led you to Christ. You called me, confessing with your own mouth (Rom 10:9). I, beyond a shadow of doubt, believe that particular day, your fate (destiny) was sealed in Christ by the Holy Spirit (2 Cor. 1:22, Eph. 1:13, 4:30).
That particular day when you answered the call of God, you became his for eternity; so there is no turning back, for God does not give up his own (Rom 11:29). He will never let go of you neither will he revoke his calling of you or take away the gift of his Son Jesus Christ and the things he did for you, as well as the gifts he imparted to you when you believed on him that fateful day. Jesus Christ said “And I give to them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand those that the Father has given to me known can pluck them out of my hand.”(John 10:28). If God reneges on his word then he ceases to be God.
Just as God does not give up on his own, so Satan does not give up on whe he once considered belonged to him (Matt. 12:44-45). Call to remembrance that you once belonged to him Satan, so he constantly prowls around you, looking for opportunities, flooding you with temptations, for you to give into your fleshly desires, that’s why, there is a constant battle within you to do that which your conscience witnesses to you to do that which is good or to abstain from that which is evil and your flesh fights with you to give into and sin against God.
Now, remember Jesus, said the servant is not greater than his Lord. Just as they persecuted Jesus, so they will persecute you (John 15:20). (I would like for you to absorb this in). Satan is not after you per say, for you by yourself are nothing without Christ, (in your you state, you belong to him). He is after Jesus Christ who is God the Father and God the Holy Spirit who resides within you. So you will as long as you live on this earth be under constant attack from the devil (you will be a bullseye for his target practice). That why the Bible says, “Ye are of God little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you (God), than he that is in the world (Satan).” 1 John 4:4. In the Bible, the word of God, tells us that we will face tribulations, sufferings. (John 6:33, II Tim. 2:12, 1 Thess. 3:3-4), for we have being called to such.
I am sure when you that all who have signed up to follow Christ, never in the beginning envisioned that this would be a life of war, fraught with bombs being thrown at us from every angle; we constantly dodging landmines that Satan lays along the wayside in wait for us. Had we known all of this ahead of God’s calling, we would have said no to God, and continued to stay in our sinful condition. But thanks be to God, who has not given up on us, for while we were yet sinners he sent his Son to die on the cross, so that we might be reconciled to him.
As my child and more so sister in Christ, I empathize with your “being depressed,” your somberness. I go thru it daily, but the more I focus on Christ, he gives me the strength to pull thru and rise above, the circumstances life daily throws at me. I promise you, it will get better. Focus on the word of God, read your Bible daily and pray, it gets better.
When I look back on my life especially at the 10 Commandment, I violated each one of them, and the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is “thou shalt not kill.” I have committed two abortions, and Satan never ceases to remind me. But, oh for the grace of God! I have repented of this evil, and God has given me a sense of peace, relieving me of the guilt and shame, also assuring me that I will get to see them again in heaven one day,which brings tremendous joy to my soul.
So my dear Yvonne, be at peace, as a child of God, he will not allow you to continue to live in sin, you have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, so whatever is holding you back from serving God, be assured he will get you to relinquish it, one way or the other, by his Spirit at work within you. So corporate with the Holy Spirit and be obedient to him, and be at peace and enjoy the abundant life he has given to you to enjoy here on earth at this present time and eternity which is to come. Do not live in a defeated state where you are constantly repressed and oppressed by the devil, Go and get yourself baptized physically as God commanded us to do in Matt. 28:20 and ask God to pour out his Spirit upon you from upon high. There is a difference in these two. The Holy Spirit will transform your life forever and make your life much easier to live and you will not be vacillating to and fro about the things of God.
Remember, “And all thy children shall be thought of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.” “In righteousness shall thou be established, thou shalt be far from oppression, for thou shalt not fear: and from terror, for it shall not come near thee.”
Isa. 54:13-14. This goes for Tungie and Marke too. At this time God has chosen to open up your own eyes and ears (Mk. 4:11). I eagerly await to see his working in Tungie’s and Marke’s life as they bring glory to him. For I know he’s doing it even as I write this exhortation to you.
I love you dearly. God bless you!
Mummy.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
we're almost a third finished with the year.....
what in the world?
time keeps-a-moving....and i keep renewing my strength day after day to pursue what God has called me to do. taking up my cross daily is no easy task, and yet, i rest assured knowing that He will guide me and lead me where He wants me to go...no matter how much of a hot mess I am. God has plans for me and I'm so thankful I KNOW HE is working in my life.
I applied for the Institute for Recruitment of Teachers program which will help me apply to doctoral programs. Specifically, I applied to the IRT associate's program which would pair me with an advisor. My advisor and I will meet, via phone conference, twice a week in September and October to discuss my graduate school application progress, refine my personal statement and tweak my writing samples. Most importantly, my advisor will help me match my professional and academic goals with the best Ph.D education programs within their 42 school consortium. I have to apply to a minimum of 10 schools and all of my fees are waived (Hallelujah in advance!) lol.
If it's God's will, then He'll make it happen.
let's see....what else has been going on....
friendships are changing, some for the better and others...well....ehhhh.....
i've found an awesome church home with a great group of God-fearing, LOVING people who have the Word of God planted deeply in their hearts. it's great to be surrounded by people who are deeply rooted in the Word, especially for a newly saved person like me. actually, i've been saved for almost 4 years, but i've never truly allowed God to transform me. as i allow Him to come into my heart, i'm so thankful that He didn't give up on me and that He continued to show me his grace and mercy, despite of my own foolishness.
i'm focused on God....everything and everyone else that (or who) doesn't fall in line will eventually fall by the wayside....and i'm ok with that.
other than that....all's well on the homefront.
peace,
YC
TUESDAY, JUNE 08, 2004
i dont like it when people insult my father. i hate it. because they dont know our story, our struggle...ALL THE SHIT that we've been through. i hate it especially when my mother tries to say something about him, because she has the NERVE to talk about ANYONE.
she's all on that holier than thou crap and i'm not too sure how i feel about it. went to her church on sunday. the one she kept telling me about. "oh they're really good"....hmm, first of all i'm not too fond of african preachers. there are a few types of people who i'm skeptikal of.
first of all there's men who wear bow ties (i.e. mayor anthony williams)
second of all i'm leary of people who preach on television AND ask for "gifts" aka cold hard cash. it is my belief that many (not all) of these fools are preying on people like my mother. people who are down on their luck. no hope. no life. no one to love them. people who are at the lowest points in their lives. indeed, that's what the word of christ calls christians to do. i understand that christ's message was to reach out to those whom no one else will reach out to. but CLEARLY christ did not ask for $gifts when he was ministering. EVEryTHING cost money on christian television. from motivational tapes, to sermons, to mugs, rosaries and t-shirts. i'm not down with them selling the faith, especially to my mother.
i'm also leary of the "african born again."
now anyone who is familiar with born again christians knows that they are VOCAL and excited about their faith. more power to them. do ya thing. but AFRICAN born again christians irk me/borderline freak me out. africans always have a way of mixing the primitive with the modern, the civilized with the scary. thus, they combine things that shouldn't be combined. christ and voodoo are weird.
now i'm not trying to say that my mother does voodoo. heck no. she aint that crazy, but i'm just wondering if this faith thing is going too far. maybe she's excited about it. after all, it's the one thing she has going for herself. her career is gone. her man is gone. all the people who she thought were her friend are gone. now all she has is her family, and her faith. so of course, i understand that she would cling to it. but my mother has never been down with all that loud noise making and holy roly crap that i saw at her church.
sunday. oh boy. first of all it was hot. like 95. i pulled out a sleeveless shirt to wear to church and asked her if she thought it was appropriate. she said no, and gave me a shirt to wear. now it was a nice shirt...
for 60 or 70 degree weather. however, lets cut the jokes beacuse rayon and polyester blends dont do well in heat. fuck. so she made me wear the shirt. fine. i didn't argue.
when we finally pulled up to the church, which was in its new stages of building, i had an open mind. i'm game for whatever most of the time. when i walked in the door, i figured, "ok this isn't going to be so bad". the people were friendly enough and all patted me on the head, as if they were waiting for the arrival of my mother's dog, instead of my mother's daughter.
sike naw, they were really nice....a little too nice if u ask me, but i brushed my shoulders off and proceeded to walk into the sanctuary. i wanted to know where all the commotion was coming from. since the church is brand new, they had yet to have their lights cut on. so it was dark with no ac. however, since church hadn't started, most of the seats were empty. but the commotion was coming from TWO women who walked up and down the center aisles shouting, jumping, dancing around, and....
speaking in tongues.
now if there's one thing i DONT get down with, it's speaking in tongues. especially when african people do it. that shit crossed the line for me. it really did.
do u know these ladies just jumped and hollered and made noise for the next thirty minutes. WHAT? by the time the service started, i wanted to make a mad dash for the car. every bone in my body wanted to. i really wanted to tell my mother "Oh hell naw", but i couldn't do that. shit. so pretty much, i had to stay. bootleg church. that's what i call it. the preacher was actually good, i'll give him his props, but i dont like the way he looked at me, and held my hand for a long time when he met me. no no. can someone say, "uncomfortable"
lets cut the jokes. when u speak in tongues, everyone is supposed to have their own language, because they're talking to God in a language that only the two can understand. but everyone who spoke in tongues seemed like they had the same thing to say. it all sounded the same to me.
"shanta....shanta ali babba shanta"
i was waiting for someone to say "ali babba and the 40 thieves"...lets cut the jokes like anika would say. please.
i'm not down with their style of worship. for real i'm not. it's a little too eccentric for me. but i mean, i guess it's about what u like and prefer. me. well i don't like or prefer those fools.
this is supposed to be a vacation but it's sucking the life out of me. i haven't seen a music video since i've gotten down here. nor have i listened to normal folks radio aka "secular crap" according to my mother. ARGH. if i hear ONE more christian rock song....somebody HELP ME! all she does is listen to that and those preaching broadcasts. i mean, nothing will be worse than brother "harold campings."
melanie, u know what i'm talking about. he's what i like to call and "learned" self-interpreter of the bible.
I THOUGHT nothing could be worse than him until i pretty much listened to this broadcast last night on the radio about homosexuality. i'm not even faking, they had some bible verses to back up what they were talking about. but then they started talking about the cause of someone wanting to be a transvestite, and that's pretty much when vonney boo proceeded to be done.
"now lets say there's a little boy who's ten and he has a sister who is 8. the little boy hears all the time that the little girl is a "princess" and "daddy's little angel." the little boy, wanting this attention from his father, starts going into the girls closet and wearing the little girls clothes, because he wants that attention from daddy too."
thus, folks, u have a transvestite. voila. easy as that nasty mac and cheese shit u make in the microwave.
iight, so this afternoon, i tell my mother that i need to make a doctor's appointment. no, my father has not had alot of time to schedule me one or take me there. but i had a physical in november. so what has been the point. i dont get sick like that. anyway she says that he's been to busy chasing the "almighty dollar".....
that ticked me the fuck off. it seems small, but the way she said it, it's like she was indicting my father or something. i told her ass off . yes he's chasing the damn dollar, cause who the hell else would have put me through school? you? HA. what a joke. if my father had some ugly looking navigator, or esaclade or some shit like that, i could get down with her comment, BUT NO....he doesn't have much....and he's struggling trying to make ends meet with TWO full time jobs. she said it like he's working that hard to have extra cash and be selfish and greedy and buy shit that doesn't even matter. BUT fact of the matter is that my father doesn't have that much spending cash. all of his money goes in some way to his children. he has made SO many sacrifices....and rightly so, because he's doing what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. i have MUCH respect for him and everything that he's done. and that's alot more than i can say for her. i don't even KNOW why she went there. i will always honor and defend my father because he means that much to me, and i will go hard when someone speaks badly of him.
thinking about it has me mad. shit.
Tuesday, 18 July 2006
A Poem for Soulymane.
i wrote this poem in africa and shared it with lena last night.
A Poem for Soulymane
you died a purple cloth for me
astutely carrying the weight of life
on her head
hibiscus headwrap
wound tightly around the
center of thought
This cloth moves me to look
deeper than the hue
perhaps you can explain it?
blank expressions
eyes absent
but the hibiscus head wrap
remains ornate and
prominent.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Soulymane
Souly
like Soleil- 'the sun?'
Souly- non?
yes.
then i think, like Solomon.
so you are royalty
and bleed the wine-coloured blood of kings.
learned in the arts
and a professed lover.
so your heart lapses onto the canvas.
is this your blood on the headwrap?
stained and
decorated.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
you wrapped her head tightly
her thoughts can not escape
no eyes to stare
no nose to smell
the mouth cannot sing to you.
Soulymane, are you hurting?
You take my hand within yours.
larger and worn.
yet worked.
Do you like it?
Yes I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes I want it.
to be mine.
Let me look at you
and inhale the life I see before me.
if not, can I taste you?
swallow the blood spilled
and suck out your pain.
hold your breath and
I will make you purple again.
Do you like it?
Yes, I like it.
Do you want it?
Yes, I want it.
to be mine.
Shall we share our losses
Soulymane?
come and bare the secrets
only you know
and the lavender scent will escape
your soft tongue.
Stroke the painting sotly
and tell me what you think
about being blue.
love lingers not without
red hues.
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Currently Listening
The Real Thing: Words And Sounds Vol. 3
By Jill Scott
My Love
thanksgiving has come and gone...
and i'm thankful. spent time with my cousing who i haven't seen in six years. wowsers.
i'm thankful AND i'm trying not to let situations and foolishness rain on my parade. cut the freaking jokes.
RS...is engaged. i feel like jill scott on that song, "My Love..." at least that's what i think the song is called. it's the new single where she's on the phone with some guy in the beginning and she discovers that he's engaged to marry someone else. UGH...he just met this chick like four months ago at the start of the school year...now they're planning on a life time together. excuse me for being skeptical (maybe a little jealous)...but he just told me about the chick three weeks ago because he didn't want to say anything "prematurely." negro please. and now all of a sudden you two are getting married? wtf? *rolling eyes* i'm done. i sent him a text message yesterday....
me: are u serious
ron: yes yvonne, and if u can't be happy for me then this is where our friendship ends. i don't want that to happen because i really love you
me: hmm. this is not young and restless. kill the drama cuz it's not that serious. i trust your judgement of character...but i'll reserve my own judgement until after i meet her....it's your life
note: i didn't say i accepted it. he's got to be kidding me! he's bunning up with me two months ago....now all of a sudden he's engaged to some random broad.
oh well. greater things are in store for me. thanks.
AND...
Sunday, 02 December 2007
finally coming to grips...
today, i finally came to grips that ron is happily engaged to somene else. i've been suppressing the emotions since i heard the news two weeks ago. then i told jb about the problem and his answer was long, yet simple.
papichulostump51 (3:15:39 AM): obviously not
papichulostump51 (3:15:49 AM): he played u pretty well i would say
papichulostump51 (3:16:38 AM): if u could see thru it, it woulda been over a long time ago
papichulostump51 (3:17:15 AM): the best way to play the field is to date one person at a time
papichulostump51 (3:17:21 AM): not multiple people
papichulostump51 (3:17:43 AM): when u do that, u hopefully find someone who is lookin for the same stuff u are
papichulostump51 (3:17:58 AM): when u date multiple ppl, u see different aspect of each person u like
papichulostump51 (3:18:24 AM): doesnt work that way, cuz then u dont wanna give either of them up cuz wat u really tryin to do is combine them to give u a complete dude
i started crying after line # 2.
he's true.
it's not fufilling and it only hurts me more in the long run. i'll never be satisfied that way.
God, it hurts so bad. like someone just hit my stomach with bricks.
still crying.
TO THIS...
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Currently Listening
Fearless
By Jazmine Sullivan
Lions, and Tigers, and Bears
see related
so date night got postponed...
until this evening. we'll see what he says. called him on my way to penn class last night and we both agreed it was HORRIBLE weather....
seriously, the weather stopped game five of the world series from continuing....nasty, cold, rainy....and wet....so we postponed things until tonight.
wonder what i'll wear.
let me give you that stats:
24
philly native (and willing tour guide)
former music teacher in Jersey
plays 13 musical instruments
aspiring songwriter
i can respect his hustle. i CANT respect your hustle if you make beats in your mothers basement all day. however, he lives in a 3 bedroom house with his godbrother...is extremely talented, and has the vision, passion, and work ethic to make his dreams come true. very nice.
we'll see if there's chemistry.
TO MY MOTHER'S TIMELY MESSAGE
Saturday, 13 June 2009
mommy's exhortation to me...wow.
June 13, 2009
Hi Yvonne,
I am sitting here quietly reading and meditating on the word of God, and you came forcefully to my mind, as I was looking up certain scriptures. So I am writing to exhort you.
Not so long ago you called me over the phone crying that you can’t help it that you feel compelled and that you have surrendered your life to Christ, how that somebody you met on the airplane led you to Christ. You called me, confessing with your own mouth (Rom 10:9). I, beyond a shadow of doubt, believe that particular day, your fate (destiny) was sealed in Christ by the Holy Spirit (2 Cor. 1:22, Eph. 1:13, 4:30).
That particular day when you answered the call of God, you became his for eternity; so there is no turning back, for God does not give up his own (Rom 11:29). He will never let go of you neither will he revoke his calling of you or take away the gift of his Son Jesus Christ and the things he did for you, as well as the gifts he imparted to you when you believed on him that fateful day. Jesus Christ said “And I give to them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand those that the Father has given to me known can pluck them out of my hand.”(John 10:28). If God reneges on his word then he ceases to be God.
Just as God does not give up on his own, so Satan does not give up on whe he once considered belonged to him (Matt. 12:44-45). Call to remembrance that you once belonged to him Satan, so he constantly prowls around you, looking for opportunities, flooding you with temptations, for you to give into your fleshly desires, that’s why, there is a constant battle within you to do that which your conscience witnesses to you to do that which is good or to abstain from that which is evil and your flesh fights with you to give into and sin against God.
Now, remember Jesus, said the servant is not greater than his Lord. Just as they persecuted Jesus, so they will persecute you (John 15:20). (I would like for you to absorb this in). Satan is not after you per say, for you by yourself are nothing without Christ, (in your you state, you belong to him). He is after Jesus Christ who is God the Father and God the Holy Spirit who resides within you. So you will as long as you live on this earth be under constant attack from the devil (you will be a bullseye for his target practice). That why the Bible says, “Ye are of God little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you (God), than he that is in the world (Satan).” 1 John 4:4. In the Bible, the word of God, tells us that we will face tribulations, sufferings. (John 6:33, II Tim. 2:12, 1 Thess. 3:3-4), for we have being called to such.
I am sure when you that all who have signed up to follow Christ, never in the beginning envisioned that this would be a life of war, fraught with bombs being thrown at us from every angle; we constantly dodging landmines that Satan lays along the wayside in wait for us. Had we known all of this ahead of God’s calling, we would have said no to God, and continued to stay in our sinful condition. But thanks be to God, who has not given up on us, for while we were yet sinners he sent his Son to die on the cross, so that we might be reconciled to him.
As my child and more so sister in Christ, I empathize with your “being depressed,” your somberness. I go thru it daily, but the more I focus on Christ, he gives me the strength to pull thru and rise above, the circumstances life daily throws at me. I promise you, it will get better. Focus on the word of God, read your Bible daily and pray, it gets better.
When I look back on my life especially at the 10 Commandment, I violated each one of them, and the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is “thou shalt not kill.” I have committed two abortions, and Satan never ceases to remind me. But, oh for the grace of God! I have repented of this evil, and God has given me a sense of peace, relieving me of the guilt and shame, also assuring me that I will get to see them again in heaven one day,which brings tremendous joy to my soul.
So my dear Yvonne, be at peace, as a child of God, he will not allow you to continue to live in sin, you have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, so whatever is holding you back from serving God, be assured he will get you to relinquish it, one way or the other, by his Spirit at work within you. So corporate with the Holy Spirit and be obedient to him, and be at peace and enjoy the abundant life he has given to you to enjoy here on earth at this present time and eternity which is to come. Do not live in a defeated state where you are constantly repressed and oppressed by the devil, Go and get yourself baptized physically as God commanded us to do in Matt. 28:20 and ask God to pour out his Spirit upon you from upon high. There is a difference in these two. The Holy Spirit will transform your life forever and make your life much easier to live and you will not be vacillating to and fro about the things of God.
Remember, “And all thy children shall be thought of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.” “In righteousness shall thou be established, thou shalt be far from oppression, for thou shalt not fear: and from terror, for it shall not come near thee.”
Isa. 54:13-14. This goes for Tungie and Marke too. At this time God has chosen to open up your own eyes and ears (Mk. 4:11). I eagerly await to see his working in Tungie’s and Marke’s life as they bring glory to him. For I know he’s doing it even as I write this exhortation to you.
I love you dearly. God bless you!
Mummy.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
we're almost a third finished with the year.....
what in the world?
time keeps-a-moving....and i keep renewing my strength day after day to pursue what God has called me to do. taking up my cross daily is no easy task, and yet, i rest assured knowing that He will guide me and lead me where He wants me to go...no matter how much of a hot mess I am. God has plans for me and I'm so thankful I KNOW HE is working in my life.
I applied for the Institute for Recruitment of Teachers program which will help me apply to doctoral programs. Specifically, I applied to the IRT associate's program which would pair me with an advisor. My advisor and I will meet, via phone conference, twice a week in September and October to discuss my graduate school application progress, refine my personal statement and tweak my writing samples. Most importantly, my advisor will help me match my professional and academic goals with the best Ph.D education programs within their 42 school consortium. I have to apply to a minimum of 10 schools and all of my fees are waived (Hallelujah in advance!) lol.
If it's God's will, then He'll make it happen.
let's see....what else has been going on....
friendships are changing, some for the better and others...well....ehhhh.....
i've found an awesome church home with a great group of God-fearing, LOVING people who have the Word of God planted deeply in their hearts. it's great to be surrounded by people who are deeply rooted in the Word, especially for a newly saved person like me. actually, i've been saved for almost 4 years, but i've never truly allowed God to transform me. as i allow Him to come into my heart, i'm so thankful that He didn't give up on me and that He continued to show me his grace and mercy, despite of my own foolishness.
i'm focused on God....everything and everyone else that (or who) doesn't fall in line will eventually fall by the wayside....and i'm ok with that.
other than that....all's well on the homefront.
peace,
YC
just writing it as it comes...
this week is all about fasting and prayer...
woke up this morning...the Holy Spirit and i just had a conversation...
didn't realize how much i missed this getting caught up in the fast pace of daily life...not giving Him honor where honor is always due...not conversing with Him or sitting in His presence daily...
so my prayer turned into a hushed silence...He wanted to talk to me.
pastor imani told me to write down all of my present concerns/worries, etc. but in matthew 6:33 it said to seek first the kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto me...everything else will fall in line when i'm seeking the kingdom first...not the approval of man...not more money....not status...but the kingdom...
Concern #1: My Job- I've already told God the desires of my heart. everyday when i go to work, i feel so confined...so limited by those 4 walls. i've always had a desire to see the world...to travel...to help...going to 4th and market everyday seems so limiting...and yet, it pays my bills. i have more than enough after i pay my tithes and my bills. it's not a million (yet, haha) but it's certainly more than most other folks can say in this "recession economy". God kept saying grace...you have grace. God's unmerited favor....i remember one of the first times Bishop prophesied over me, He said, "if you only knew the amount of grace you have over your life"....
i was thinking about applying for another position either in the central office or at another school...and God said "Wait. There's still more work for you to do here. Wait."
those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength....they shall mount up on wings of eagles...they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint...wait on the Lord....
tribulation worketh patience.....
haha!
all i could do is chuckle....my test is going to be my testimony...
my desire is to have a prosperous photography business that allows me to travel the country and the world, so that i would not be confined to the four walls of a classroom or a building but that i would be able to capture the images of God clearly and plainly through the lens of my camera. God created man in His image and likeness, so what better work than to see what God looks like...us! images of love, hope, joy, peace, and all of the fruits of His Holy Spirit. my desire is to commit my business to God and allow Him to use me to travel and to spread His Good News in the process. i pray that in His will.
Concern #2: Marriage...money...house...ring....-boy oh boy, has this thing been on my mind something heavy lately...i absolutely, positively am soooooooo excited to become Mrs. Ronald Dwayne Simms, Jr. and say YES to marrying my man! then, the excitement kind of dampens when i think about the expenses...ring, wedding, house, vacation...the whole nine yards...then God said..."who are you doing this for...you, or other people?" when it's all said and done....i love ron more than any rinky, dink ring. i want Him. Bishop told the story about how he and Pastor Imani were engaged and he stressed so much about getting a house filled with new furniture for his new bride that he almost lost his mind. haha. Pastor Imani also testified that when they got married, all he had was a rust suit with shoes that had holes in them and now, his closet is flyer than hers! lol. i loved that testimony because it was so timely. here i am, worrying about THINGS when that's not what i'm called to do. seek ye first the kingdom of God....God's will is that we be married and that we commit our marriage and our lives to HIm...He'll do the rest. our marriage is what other people will see and learn from...when they see the love between us, it's going to begin to heal and deliver other people...we're going to set the standard...and all this is going to happen whether or not i have a rubber band or a rock on my finger. God wants to use us to get the glory...and that's what my heart is set on. that's what my heart is excited about.
funny thing is, i got an email this morning saying that our house (the one we prayed over and annointed with oil) just went down another $10,000 to $214,900. three weeks ago, it was $248,000......
0_o
yea. my face exactly.
i've been going back and forth about this engagement ring. ron asked me to look at another, less costly one and i immediately shot him down. i had my sights set on something larger, fancier, bigger, etc. while i admit i have bourgie taste, i just know in my heart of hearts that i want to marry him....and soon. it's difficult to be apart from him. and i realized the reason why i wanted a fancy right was to impress other people. i figured if i wasn't going to have a fancy wedding or reception, at least i could wow other people with my ring. but at the end of the day, when it's all said and done, it's going to take a while to save for that ring. God told me to be realistic about everything, especially given what we're trying to accomplish.
He whispered in my ear that we're going to be married next year. not 2013 like "WE" were planning. haha. we plan. God laughs. God has His own timing. then He said in the next 2-3 years, He's going to show Himself so strong on my behalf that i won't have a choice but to believe it's anything but Him. wow. WOW.
i don't know what God is doing, but i can't wait to see HOW he moves...He's completely awesome.
this fast is a fast of consecration. it's also a fast to remind me to stay in His presence and to talk to Him daily. i told Him this morning that i missed Him. i missed talking to Him. i missed His embrace. i missed being intimate with Him. i'm happy that i took the time out this morning.
Amen.
woke up this morning...the Holy Spirit and i just had a conversation...
didn't realize how much i missed this getting caught up in the fast pace of daily life...not giving Him honor where honor is always due...not conversing with Him or sitting in His presence daily...
so my prayer turned into a hushed silence...He wanted to talk to me.
pastor imani told me to write down all of my present concerns/worries, etc. but in matthew 6:33 it said to seek first the kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto me...everything else will fall in line when i'm seeking the kingdom first...not the approval of man...not more money....not status...but the kingdom...
Concern #1: My Job- I've already told God the desires of my heart. everyday when i go to work, i feel so confined...so limited by those 4 walls. i've always had a desire to see the world...to travel...to help...going to 4th and market everyday seems so limiting...and yet, it pays my bills. i have more than enough after i pay my tithes and my bills. it's not a million (yet, haha) but it's certainly more than most other folks can say in this "recession economy". God kept saying grace...you have grace. God's unmerited favor....i remember one of the first times Bishop prophesied over me, He said, "if you only knew the amount of grace you have over your life"....
i was thinking about applying for another position either in the central office or at another school...and God said "Wait. There's still more work for you to do here. Wait."
those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength....they shall mount up on wings of eagles...they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint...wait on the Lord....
tribulation worketh patience.....
haha!
all i could do is chuckle....my test is going to be my testimony...
my desire is to have a prosperous photography business that allows me to travel the country and the world, so that i would not be confined to the four walls of a classroom or a building but that i would be able to capture the images of God clearly and plainly through the lens of my camera. God created man in His image and likeness, so what better work than to see what God looks like...us! images of love, hope, joy, peace, and all of the fruits of His Holy Spirit. my desire is to commit my business to God and allow Him to use me to travel and to spread His Good News in the process. i pray that in His will.
Concern #2: Marriage...money...house...ring....-boy oh boy, has this thing been on my mind something heavy lately...i absolutely, positively am soooooooo excited to become Mrs. Ronald Dwayne Simms, Jr. and say YES to marrying my man! then, the excitement kind of dampens when i think about the expenses...ring, wedding, house, vacation...the whole nine yards...then God said..."who are you doing this for...you, or other people?" when it's all said and done....i love ron more than any rinky, dink ring. i want Him. Bishop told the story about how he and Pastor Imani were engaged and he stressed so much about getting a house filled with new furniture for his new bride that he almost lost his mind. haha. Pastor Imani also testified that when they got married, all he had was a rust suit with shoes that had holes in them and now, his closet is flyer than hers! lol. i loved that testimony because it was so timely. here i am, worrying about THINGS when that's not what i'm called to do. seek ye first the kingdom of God....God's will is that we be married and that we commit our marriage and our lives to HIm...He'll do the rest. our marriage is what other people will see and learn from...when they see the love between us, it's going to begin to heal and deliver other people...we're going to set the standard...and all this is going to happen whether or not i have a rubber band or a rock on my finger. God wants to use us to get the glory...and that's what my heart is set on. that's what my heart is excited about.
funny thing is, i got an email this morning saying that our house (the one we prayed over and annointed with oil) just went down another $10,000 to $214,900. three weeks ago, it was $248,000......
0_o
yea. my face exactly.
i've been going back and forth about this engagement ring. ron asked me to look at another, less costly one and i immediately shot him down. i had my sights set on something larger, fancier, bigger, etc. while i admit i have bourgie taste, i just know in my heart of hearts that i want to marry him....and soon. it's difficult to be apart from him. and i realized the reason why i wanted a fancy right was to impress other people. i figured if i wasn't going to have a fancy wedding or reception, at least i could wow other people with my ring. but at the end of the day, when it's all said and done, it's going to take a while to save for that ring. God told me to be realistic about everything, especially given what we're trying to accomplish.
He whispered in my ear that we're going to be married next year. not 2013 like "WE" were planning. haha. we plan. God laughs. God has His own timing. then He said in the next 2-3 years, He's going to show Himself so strong on my behalf that i won't have a choice but to believe it's anything but Him. wow. WOW.
i don't know what God is doing, but i can't wait to see HOW he moves...He's completely awesome.
this fast is a fast of consecration. it's also a fast to remind me to stay in His presence and to talk to Him daily. i told Him this morning that i missed Him. i missed talking to Him. i missed His embrace. i missed being intimate with Him. i'm happy that i took the time out this morning.
Amen.
24 November 2011
can a man take fire in his bosom...
without being burned?
(post disclaimer: i'm writing this from another computer so don't judge me for any typos)
lust. fornication. fornication. lust.
demons which have chased me down for the longest time. the more i've tried to escape them, the more they've chased me. their presence in my life has opened the gates of hell and unleashed legions of demons to attack my spirit. correction: my decisions have allowed these demons to come into my life.
when i was 10 i had no understanding of spiritual things. heck, when i was 23 i had no understanding of spirtual things. but now that i know who's attacking me and why, will i not stop?
the Holy Spirit has spoken to me very clearly these past two evenings:
"can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?"
and
"if you don't stop, i'll take him from you. my will for you is connected to your holiness."
lust. fornication. fornitcation. lust.
as soon as they come into my life, my mouth shuts. prayer becomes cumbersome...they very thing which makes them flee. my praise becomes dead. my worship seems meaningless.
lust. fornicaton. fornication. lust.
they've caused me to settle. lower my standards for small things...for small men...for small experiences...they're so base and they drag me down with them. yesterday, the lust demon MUST have been on me cuz i said i'd settle for any ring...any experience...anything. that that moment, i wanted marriage...for the legal right to have sex. i wanted to lay my man out on the floor, right then and there, jump on him, ride him until i couldn't ride him anymore, and wake up in the morning, guilt free...with a rubber band on my finger.
last night we watched Twilight:Breaking Dawn and while i wasn't all that impressed by the melodrama and the terrible acting, i was impressed that the movie portrayed Bella and Edward's commitment to staying chaste until marriage. i thought about our wedding day and wedding night. i thought about how much it would mean to us, not only to share that experience with each other, but to share the testimony that we were able to remain pure until our wedding day. i pictured walking down the aisle with him waiting patiently at the end, smiling, and ready. the enemy has reconized something so perfect and pure between us, that now He wants to come and destroy it. our friendship was built upon purity and chastity. before these past two months, we hadn't even kissed in 5 years! yes we're attracted to each other, but we were able to do without all of this for so long, we can clearly go another year and a few months.
am i beating up on myself? no, not quite. just acknowleding that we opened the door. i confess i opened a door several nights ago when i lay in my bed and overcome by the lust demon, i did something i shouldn't have. God, we need you to shut this door that we have opened. forgive us Father, for we have sinned, and certainly fallen short of the glory of God.
i will not live in fear. i will not live in shame. i will not live in condemnation. those are all spirits which come when playing with the lust demon. i won't do it. i won't settle. i've spent my entire life settling for what i deserve as God's child. i won't let the enemy strip us of what God has placed in us.
next week is a week of fasting and much prayer. fasting, prayer, and re-consecration.
i believe God when He says He'll take Ron from me. God is not a man that He shall lie. He's a sovereign God. He does whatever He wants and whatever He needs to do.
forgive us Father. i repent. i'm sorry. consecrate me. purge me. cleanse me. keep me. purify me. sanctify me.
(post disclaimer: i'm writing this from another computer so don't judge me for any typos)
lust. fornication. fornication. lust.
demons which have chased me down for the longest time. the more i've tried to escape them, the more they've chased me. their presence in my life has opened the gates of hell and unleashed legions of demons to attack my spirit. correction: my decisions have allowed these demons to come into my life.
when i was 10 i had no understanding of spiritual things. heck, when i was 23 i had no understanding of spirtual things. but now that i know who's attacking me and why, will i not stop?
the Holy Spirit has spoken to me very clearly these past two evenings:
"can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?"
and
"if you don't stop, i'll take him from you. my will for you is connected to your holiness."
lust. fornication. fornitcation. lust.
as soon as they come into my life, my mouth shuts. prayer becomes cumbersome...they very thing which makes them flee. my praise becomes dead. my worship seems meaningless.
lust. fornicaton. fornication. lust.
they've caused me to settle. lower my standards for small things...for small men...for small experiences...they're so base and they drag me down with them. yesterday, the lust demon MUST have been on me cuz i said i'd settle for any ring...any experience...anything. that that moment, i wanted marriage...for the legal right to have sex. i wanted to lay my man out on the floor, right then and there, jump on him, ride him until i couldn't ride him anymore, and wake up in the morning, guilt free...with a rubber band on my finger.
last night we watched Twilight:Breaking Dawn and while i wasn't all that impressed by the melodrama and the terrible acting, i was impressed that the movie portrayed Bella and Edward's commitment to staying chaste until marriage. i thought about our wedding day and wedding night. i thought about how much it would mean to us, not only to share that experience with each other, but to share the testimony that we were able to remain pure until our wedding day. i pictured walking down the aisle with him waiting patiently at the end, smiling, and ready. the enemy has reconized something so perfect and pure between us, that now He wants to come and destroy it. our friendship was built upon purity and chastity. before these past two months, we hadn't even kissed in 5 years! yes we're attracted to each other, but we were able to do without all of this for so long, we can clearly go another year and a few months.
am i beating up on myself? no, not quite. just acknowleding that we opened the door. i confess i opened a door several nights ago when i lay in my bed and overcome by the lust demon, i did something i shouldn't have. God, we need you to shut this door that we have opened. forgive us Father, for we have sinned, and certainly fallen short of the glory of God.
i will not live in fear. i will not live in shame. i will not live in condemnation. those are all spirits which come when playing with the lust demon. i won't do it. i won't settle. i've spent my entire life settling for what i deserve as God's child. i won't let the enemy strip us of what God has placed in us.
next week is a week of fasting and much prayer. fasting, prayer, and re-consecration.
i believe God when He says He'll take Ron from me. God is not a man that He shall lie. He's a sovereign God. He does whatever He wants and whatever He needs to do.
forgive us Father. i repent. i'm sorry. consecrate me. purge me. cleanse me. keep me. purify me. sanctify me.
16 November 2011
15 November 2011
rocked.
i just woke up. somewhere between my dinner of an apple and a a few utz hot chips, i fell asleep in my work clothes with the lights on. was i THAT tired? i suppose i was, but i didn't realize it was THAT serious lol. i felt that tired energy from all of my classes too. students were dragging the entire day, and by the time i reached my last period class, students were falling asleep. i couldn't blame them because i was fatigued as well.
i felt like i caught my second wind at the end of the day with mock trial practice and a parent's association meeting.
but the weird thing about yesterday is that people kept coming my way....i prayed with three people yesterday and a fourth was almost there, but his boss was right under my nose. the first was a co-worker who had a crazy fight with her husband. she was actually on her way to my church on sunday and she never showed up. after we finished talking, i just felt the urge to pray for her and i did. then, after school, two of my favorite (including one of my most problematic and annoying) students, Isaiah and Jaray, walked in while i was finishing up some work with the mock trial team. they just came to chat, but it actually turned into me analyzing them, especially Isaiah in whom i see so much potential. as we began to talk, i asked him "do you struggle with depression?"...then he began to tell me about his how his father could never really accept him the way he was. his father was always trying to make him and mold him into a different type of person, and therefore he doesn't really know who he is today. i told him the only way he's going to realize who he is was when he recognized whose he is. i told them about my former depression and my once broken relationships with my parents. while i realize that everything isn't really perfect, i told them i learned how to forgive only through my relationship with Christ. h then, before they left, i prayed with both of them. imagine, two 18 year old boys sitting in my room holding hands with me and one another! heads bowed and everything. not a peep during prayer either. and before they left, i told both of them that i loved them...no nasty romantic stuff. no. i told them i had agape love for both of them and spoke into their lives that they were both going to be successful and have powerful testimonies for other young men.
WOW.
after my parent's association meeting, i decided to take the elevator up to the third floor to get my belongings. as the elevator opened, a janitor from the cleaning company was in there with trash cans. i asked him, "how are you" and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "i hate my job". initially, i was taken aback but began to make conversation with him. he said the only reason he was working this job was because he didn't have the money go back to drexel this semester. i listened and got off the elevator. however, before i left, i felt the urge to go and find him and tell him that the money was on the way AND that everything was going to be ok.
gee God! as i was sitting in my classroom, talking to Isaiah yesterday, one of my students said "Ms. Coker, you should be a therapist...you're so calm and soothing..."
didn't i just ask God yesterday what i should do with my life's work? i love my kids, but i don't love teaching. it's in the off hours when i get my second boost...when interacting with parents...listening to their stories...giving advice...for some reason, people have always been drawn to me. they'll come and tell me things about themselves that no one knows. they'll sit down and pour out their hearts to me and all of this information is unsolicited. i don't say anything, i just listen. even when i don't feel qualified to give advice, they still seek it from me like i am.
i don't know what God is up to, but it's not WHAT He's doing it's HOW He's doing it. right now, i just pray for the discernment and wisdom to walk in what God is calling me to do. He knows the desires of my heart and how i long for a fulfilling where my passion for the work drives me instead of the necessity of a paycheck...
God lead me a guide me into all understanding. help me to be able to figure out when it's you and only you that's moving.
in other news...
ronald and i just seem to grow stronger by the day and his very presence excites me and i throughly enjoyed spending much of my weekend with him. in fact, we saw each other every day this weekend, starting on thursday night when he cooked dinner for me at his place. i left work, almost rushing to be close to him. i'm like a magnet when it comes to him. i'm drawn to him and i can't explain why. of course, when i arrived, he had on the dim lighting with the thelonious monk playing in the background....lol. mmmmhmmm. just kidding. dinner was amazing and i tasted every bit of love he prepared it with. although i will say that being so close to him in private quarters is probably not the best idea, at least in this stage in the game. i love him...i'm CRAZY physically attracted to him...like he merely looks at me and my body quivers attraction lol....so we let our emotions almost get the best of us in that situation. the kissing got intense...the hugging got intense....when i kiss him it's almost like we're engaged in conversation...i hear what he's saying to me when his lips touch mine...it might seem crazy but it's so true. we finally got ourselves together and resolved to stop. i fell asleep and woke up in his arms. and in the morning, he led prayer.
the next day, krystin wound up sleeping in my bed, so i wound up at his place again, this time in his bed and with him sleeping on the couch. in the morning, we parted ways for only an hour because he was right back at praise and worship practice with me. wow. i dropped him off at the barber shop and somehow found myself right back with him later that evening when i went to willow grove to purchase my dress for the church 20th anniversary banquet. he met me in bloomingdales and we ate dinner together at TGIFridays. when we arrived at his apartment, we sat in the car and talked some more. held hands...sometimes we were silent. even in our silence we communicate with one another.
the next morning, we praised HARD. i helped to serve dinner down in the kitchen and all the while, each time i saw him, we locked eyes as if no one in the room was looking. that's the thing...the connection between us is so strong, when all else is going on it just seems like it's him and me. chaos could be breaking loose and one look from him and i'm reassured. his heart is so genuine. he's so good.
after church, we decided to go and pray the house we want to purchase. it's in germantown on an extremely pretty street. it's a twin (i love twins!), completely brand new renovations and fixtures...finished basement for my photography studio and everything. we anointed our hands with oil, walked up on the porch and he prayed for our new house. initially, when he first suggested it, i was skeptical, even fearful. but that's not the type of faith that God wants us to have. he desires radical faith from us because God is a radical God. he ain't no punk God. He's able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we could even DARE imagine. God knows the desires of our hearts and i pray that our intentions stay sincere and our hearts remain unblemished. He'll give us exactly what we need and we won't even have to worry about WHAT He's doing...i just want to sit back and be floored by HOW He does it.
every day i look at Ron and wonder HOW amazing and sweet our love is. as we move forward, i'm realistic in knowing that everyday isn't going to be perfect and lovey dovey, but i never want us to forget this time in our lives. i believe our foundation as friends will make us stronger in our marriage. because when things get rough, i must realize that i love him as my best friend. Ron makes me believe in soul mates. we're like magnets....being in his presence is so calming...so good. on sunday, we walked to the south street bridge and then through university city. while on the bridge, we stood for a while, looking at the center city skyline and i was in awe. all this love wrapped up in a warm embrace. i put my head to his chest and heard it beating...for me.
God...you are amazing.
Ron said this on Saturday night and it perfectly captures how i feel....
"He gave me Him, then He gave me you."
so today God i thank you for where i am right now and i pray that you would continue to keep us blameless in your sight. we have made a commitment to you to cherish you and bless your Holy name. Father, we commit our relationship into your hands and we know that you will get the Glory out of it. we have made a commitment to keep our relationship pure until marriage and we know that it's only the power of the Holy Spirit that will be able to assist us, for God we know that the flesh is weak. Furthermore, we're not battling our flesh, but against principalities and powers that would love to see us fall. So God, we're going to put on your spiritual armor and wrestle against demons that would love to see us fall. Holy Spirit, give us the strength to be examples in our generation of pure courtship.
"To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy, to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." Jude 1:24-25
i felt like i caught my second wind at the end of the day with mock trial practice and a parent's association meeting.
but the weird thing about yesterday is that people kept coming my way....i prayed with three people yesterday and a fourth was almost there, but his boss was right under my nose. the first was a co-worker who had a crazy fight with her husband. she was actually on her way to my church on sunday and she never showed up. after we finished talking, i just felt the urge to pray for her and i did. then, after school, two of my favorite (including one of my most problematic and annoying) students, Isaiah and Jaray, walked in while i was finishing up some work with the mock trial team. they just came to chat, but it actually turned into me analyzing them, especially Isaiah in whom i see so much potential. as we began to talk, i asked him "do you struggle with depression?"...then he began to tell me about his how his father could never really accept him the way he was. his father was always trying to make him and mold him into a different type of person, and therefore he doesn't really know who he is today. i told him the only way he's going to realize who he is was when he recognized whose he is. i told them about my former depression and my once broken relationships with my parents. while i realize that everything isn't really perfect, i told them i learned how to forgive only through my relationship with Christ. h then, before they left, i prayed with both of them. imagine, two 18 year old boys sitting in my room holding hands with me and one another! heads bowed and everything. not a peep during prayer either. and before they left, i told both of them that i loved them...no nasty romantic stuff. no. i told them i had agape love for both of them and spoke into their lives that they were both going to be successful and have powerful testimonies for other young men.
WOW.
after my parent's association meeting, i decided to take the elevator up to the third floor to get my belongings. as the elevator opened, a janitor from the cleaning company was in there with trash cans. i asked him, "how are you" and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "i hate my job". initially, i was taken aback but began to make conversation with him. he said the only reason he was working this job was because he didn't have the money go back to drexel this semester. i listened and got off the elevator. however, before i left, i felt the urge to go and find him and tell him that the money was on the way AND that everything was going to be ok.
gee God! as i was sitting in my classroom, talking to Isaiah yesterday, one of my students said "Ms. Coker, you should be a therapist...you're so calm and soothing..."
didn't i just ask God yesterday what i should do with my life's work? i love my kids, but i don't love teaching. it's in the off hours when i get my second boost...when interacting with parents...listening to their stories...giving advice...for some reason, people have always been drawn to me. they'll come and tell me things about themselves that no one knows. they'll sit down and pour out their hearts to me and all of this information is unsolicited. i don't say anything, i just listen. even when i don't feel qualified to give advice, they still seek it from me like i am.
i don't know what God is up to, but it's not WHAT He's doing it's HOW He's doing it. right now, i just pray for the discernment and wisdom to walk in what God is calling me to do. He knows the desires of my heart and how i long for a fulfilling where my passion for the work drives me instead of the necessity of a paycheck...
God lead me a guide me into all understanding. help me to be able to figure out when it's you and only you that's moving.
in other news...
ronald and i just seem to grow stronger by the day and his very presence excites me and i throughly enjoyed spending much of my weekend with him. in fact, we saw each other every day this weekend, starting on thursday night when he cooked dinner for me at his place. i left work, almost rushing to be close to him. i'm like a magnet when it comes to him. i'm drawn to him and i can't explain why. of course, when i arrived, he had on the dim lighting with the thelonious monk playing in the background....lol. mmmmhmmm. just kidding. dinner was amazing and i tasted every bit of love he prepared it with. although i will say that being so close to him in private quarters is probably not the best idea, at least in this stage in the game. i love him...i'm CRAZY physically attracted to him...like he merely looks at me and my body quivers attraction lol....so we let our emotions almost get the best of us in that situation. the kissing got intense...the hugging got intense....when i kiss him it's almost like we're engaged in conversation...i hear what he's saying to me when his lips touch mine...it might seem crazy but it's so true. we finally got ourselves together and resolved to stop. i fell asleep and woke up in his arms. and in the morning, he led prayer.
the next day, krystin wound up sleeping in my bed, so i wound up at his place again, this time in his bed and with him sleeping on the couch. in the morning, we parted ways for only an hour because he was right back at praise and worship practice with me. wow. i dropped him off at the barber shop and somehow found myself right back with him later that evening when i went to willow grove to purchase my dress for the church 20th anniversary banquet. he met me in bloomingdales and we ate dinner together at TGIFridays. when we arrived at his apartment, we sat in the car and talked some more. held hands...sometimes we were silent. even in our silence we communicate with one another.
the next morning, we praised HARD. i helped to serve dinner down in the kitchen and all the while, each time i saw him, we locked eyes as if no one in the room was looking. that's the thing...the connection between us is so strong, when all else is going on it just seems like it's him and me. chaos could be breaking loose and one look from him and i'm reassured. his heart is so genuine. he's so good.
after church, we decided to go and pray the house we want to purchase. it's in germantown on an extremely pretty street. it's a twin (i love twins!), completely brand new renovations and fixtures...finished basement for my photography studio and everything. we anointed our hands with oil, walked up on the porch and he prayed for our new house. initially, when he first suggested it, i was skeptical, even fearful. but that's not the type of faith that God wants us to have. he desires radical faith from us because God is a radical God. he ain't no punk God. He's able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we could even DARE imagine. God knows the desires of our hearts and i pray that our intentions stay sincere and our hearts remain unblemished. He'll give us exactly what we need and we won't even have to worry about WHAT He's doing...i just want to sit back and be floored by HOW He does it.
every day i look at Ron and wonder HOW amazing and sweet our love is. as we move forward, i'm realistic in knowing that everyday isn't going to be perfect and lovey dovey, but i never want us to forget this time in our lives. i believe our foundation as friends will make us stronger in our marriage. because when things get rough, i must realize that i love him as my best friend. Ron makes me believe in soul mates. we're like magnets....being in his presence is so calming...so good. on sunday, we walked to the south street bridge and then through university city. while on the bridge, we stood for a while, looking at the center city skyline and i was in awe. all this love wrapped up in a warm embrace. i put my head to his chest and heard it beating...for me.
God...you are amazing.
Ron said this on Saturday night and it perfectly captures how i feel....
"He gave me Him, then He gave me you."
so today God i thank you for where i am right now and i pray that you would continue to keep us blameless in your sight. we have made a commitment to you to cherish you and bless your Holy name. Father, we commit our relationship into your hands and we know that you will get the Glory out of it. we have made a commitment to keep our relationship pure until marriage and we know that it's only the power of the Holy Spirit that will be able to assist us, for God we know that the flesh is weak. Furthermore, we're not battling our flesh, but against principalities and powers that would love to see us fall. So God, we're going to put on your spiritual armor and wrestle against demons that would love to see us fall. Holy Spirit, give us the strength to be examples in our generation of pure courtship.
"To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy, to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." Jude 1:24-25
14 November 2011
there has to be more...
God, what did you put me on this Earth to do? I wake up in the morning with little to no passion for my job. Why do you have me there? I want to wake up each morning and be absolutely thrilled to go to work. Im not saying that it's going to be easy, but I need that excitement in my life. There has to he more to life than this. I promised myself id never just work a job just to have one. Help my to find my path and my life's purpose.
Yc
Yc
13 November 2011
so good.
this is what i meant to write two nights ago...before i fell asleep.
today was an awesome day. as i now settle down for sleep, i'm reflecting on the goodness of God and the fact that i'm so elated to spend my life as Mrs. Ronald Dwayne Simms, Jr. i love that man in a way that's completely indescribable and he has captured my heart.
his energy, his presence, his smile, his very being...i feel like they're connected to me.
today was an awesome day. as i now settle down for sleep, i'm reflecting on the goodness of God and the fact that i'm so elated to spend my life as Mrs. Ronald Dwayne Simms, Jr. i love that man in a way that's completely indescribable and he has captured my heart.
his energy, his presence, his smile, his very being...i feel like they're connected to me.
wow.
we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
only God is perfection.
we strive and that's what we were made to do. keep striving. follow Him. look like Him. think like Him. act like Him.
God, i want to be more like you.
only God is perfection.
we strive and that's what we were made to do. keep striving. follow Him. look like Him. think like Him. act like Him.
God, i want to be more like you.
09 November 2011
thisssssss nigggggaaaaaaa....*rolling eyes*
the devil just won't quit, will he?
in a conversation with one of my co-workers, she described the enemy as a "piece of..."...well you catch my drift (i won't take it that far). but the devil is a low-down, dirty, disgusting, ratchet, hateful, spiteful, wack, raggedy mo-fo with nothing better to do than cause confusion and foolishness.
initially, i would say that i couldn't be bothered, but that's the thing-that's what the enemy is designed to do...attempt to bother me and dissuade me from putting my trust in God.
i don't even have the mental energy to describe the events of the past 24 hours but i will say this: the enemy has NO authority or power whatsoever over my life and over the ones i love and hold dearest. i refused to be used by the devil anymore in his manipulative schemes to create chaos and destruction. i am the son of an almighty GOD who protects me and keeps me. no weapon formed against me shall prosper and i commit EVERYTHING i do into God's hands. God is a refuge for me and whenever i think the enemy might be approaching all i have to do is lift up my eyes to the hills because that's where my help comes from. greater is He that is in me than anything in this world.
God, i trust in you. my help, my strength, my fortress, my provider, my protector. God, i trust in you. in your son Jesus' name, i bind every attack of Satan coming against my life (known and unknown) right now. it has neither power, nor authority, nor place in my life. God is the center of my life. so right now i put on the WHOLE armor of God and go to war against Satan and his imps. for too long i've taken a seat and allowed the enemy to trample over me. right now, i proclaim that the devil is defeated in JESUS' name!
HALLELUJAH!!!!!!
to God be ALL the glory.
amen.
in a conversation with one of my co-workers, she described the enemy as a "piece of..."...well you catch my drift (i won't take it that far). but the devil is a low-down, dirty, disgusting, ratchet, hateful, spiteful, wack, raggedy mo-fo with nothing better to do than cause confusion and foolishness.
initially, i would say that i couldn't be bothered, but that's the thing-that's what the enemy is designed to do...attempt to bother me and dissuade me from putting my trust in God.
i don't even have the mental energy to describe the events of the past 24 hours but i will say this: the enemy has NO authority or power whatsoever over my life and over the ones i love and hold dearest. i refused to be used by the devil anymore in his manipulative schemes to create chaos and destruction. i am the son of an almighty GOD who protects me and keeps me. no weapon formed against me shall prosper and i commit EVERYTHING i do into God's hands. God is a refuge for me and whenever i think the enemy might be approaching all i have to do is lift up my eyes to the hills because that's where my help comes from. greater is He that is in me than anything in this world.
God, i trust in you. my help, my strength, my fortress, my provider, my protector. God, i trust in you. in your son Jesus' name, i bind every attack of Satan coming against my life (known and unknown) right now. it has neither power, nor authority, nor place in my life. God is the center of my life. so right now i put on the WHOLE armor of God and go to war against Satan and his imps. for too long i've taken a seat and allowed the enemy to trample over me. right now, i proclaim that the devil is defeated in JESUS' name!
HALLELUJAH!!!!!!
to God be ALL the glory.
amen.
07 November 2011
God....
marveling at your splendor and ability to move when you want to move. you're a mighty God. you're also a God with an intense sense of humor.
so today, i'll laugh with you, remembering fully that the joy of the Lord is my strength. i'll laugh with you God and thank you for your plan.
man plans...God laughs.
i sure did have my own agenda mapped out, but you said "not so." for that, i'm eternally grateful.
a plan and a purpose. and so, this life is to be lived accordingly...with great reverence, honor, and respect.
so today, i'll laugh with you, remembering fully that the joy of the Lord is my strength. i'll laugh with you God and thank you for your plan.
man plans...God laughs.
i sure did have my own agenda mapped out, but you said "not so." for that, i'm eternally grateful.
a plan and a purpose. and so, this life is to be lived accordingly...with great reverence, honor, and respect.
the sky is the limit...
we walked through center city hand in hand last night.
i looked across the table into your light brown eyes.
i thought to myself, "how pretty. how beautiful you are, inside and out."
crisp fall air wraps us in a protective cool covering.
the sun is setting on the day but the love has just begun.
because i can smell something good.
and every sense is awakened now.
my soul is sensitive to your very being.
i relish your presence.
long for your voice.
listen for your heart.
melt in your hands.
love you with my life.
this.
is.
it.
i looked across the table into your light brown eyes.
i thought to myself, "how pretty. how beautiful you are, inside and out."
crisp fall air wraps us in a protective cool covering.
the sun is setting on the day but the love has just begun.
because i can smell something good.
and every sense is awakened now.
my soul is sensitive to your very being.
i relish your presence.
long for your voice.
listen for your heart.
melt in your hands.
love you with my life.
this.
is.
it.
06 November 2011
never felt this way....it feels so good *in my brian mcknight voice* lol.
i didn't realize how tired i was last night. i must have fallen asleep when writing this entry, but i finished most of it before i dozed off...so here goes...
i've always loved love songs. good love songs. i'm not talking about this chris brown, trey songz, "baby-lemme-have-sex-with-you-real-good-and-whine-in-my-falsetto-and-or-fake-r-kelly-voice" songs....i'm talking love songs.
marvin gaye.
al greene.
teddy pendergrass.
brian mcknight.
kindred the family soul.
jill scott.
songs that when you hear them, you can't deny the depth of what the singer/songwriter felt when they used melodies, harmonies, and words to capture the very essence of what they were experiencing.
love.
i feel that way right now. and like Brian McKnight said in the song above...i never felt this way about loving...it feels so good.
ronald simms is the love of my life and i'm going to be his wife.
how it takes my breath
starts a pounding in my chest
makes me weak
when i think about you....
we've known each other for almost 6 years...we've loved each other for almost 6 years....but during the majority of that time, our self-created circumstances never allowed us to fully acknowledge the love that was there from day one.
and so the love for him which i suppressed for so many years, only because i had to, is oozing out of every pore. every part of my sings when i see him. when i think about him, my face becomes brighter. i love being in his presence. i love being held in his large and protective embrace. i haven't stopped smiling for almost a week and a half.
there's so much more that i can chronicle in here but i'll save that for my hand-written journal. in the meantime, i just want to shout this from the rooftops....
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
you don't know where you're going...
until you acknowledge where you've been and realize how far God has brought you.
Romans 8:18-21.
Deuteronomy 4:25-31.
God, i repent from my conscious disobedience, however miniscule i believed it was in my own sight. for i was erroneous, and grieved you much. you subjected me the frustration to fully comprehend your saving power. God, this morning i thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me. my sufferings could not compare the future glory that you were going to reveal in me. wow.
let the glory of the Lord rise among us. God i sing praises to your Holy name this morning. praises to your Holy, Holy, name.
thank you for saving a wretch like me. your grace is AMAZING and i truly understand that song now. thank you God.
05 November 2011
i see the Lord...
i've been riding a wave of high worship all day long.
last night, while ronald and i were talking, he described the feeling of "going in" during worship and being so lost that when he opened up he would see the cloud of worship in the atmosphere....
why had i never experienced that? i wanted to "go in" too but i never thought i had the keys.
during praise and worship practice yesterday, i began leading "awesome in this place"...i was just on the cusp of beginning to cry out to God and the piano player began to take the song in another direction. Deac. Evelyn stopped and warned against distractions. the Holy Spirit told her that i was almost there, and indeed i was. when we restarted the song, i began with the normal adlibs i regularly do...and then something happened. i can't fully describe it, but it was almost like a shift. instead of thinking about my surroundings, i began singing a love song to God. i thought about the words of the song...then i thought about where i was...how low i was...and how quickly He salvaged my life...and i wanted Him to be pleased with what i was singing to Him.
and needless to say...i "went in"...and everyone else followed me. by the time i was over, i was face down on the floor in tears.
wow.
God.is.moving.
wow.
and the cloud was there.
and i saw the Lord.
oh, taste and see that the Lord is good.
i am so in love with God.
wow.
04 November 2011
You Make All Things New...
you make all things new
you make all things new
and i will follow you forward......
you make all things new
yes, you make all things new
and i will follow you forward...
hallelujahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
look at me now...who woulda thought i'd be right here...
where you lead me
i will follow
i will follow you forward....
where you lead me
i will follow
i will follow you forward...
this Jessica Reedy album is ministering to me something serious. i'm on the final day of my fast and my God, my God, my God....i'm AMAZED....simply astonished by HIM! He's an awesome God and i reverence Him right now in the beauty of His HOLINESS! God is HOLY! He's a sovereign God full of power, full of might, full of majesty, full of splendor. i worship a HOLY God. a separate God. an incomparable God.
God YOU alone are HOLY. i've finally realized that's what this fast was about...realizing that God is Holy and just like He's HOLY, He wants me to be holy. God....wow. i'm in awe of how you're able to make me Holy....ME...
you don't understand.....
ME????
"who am i that You are mindful of me?", i asked him in worship this morning. He answered....
"You're my son"......
HALLELUJAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you can't understand....can't even possibly comprehend what His words meant to me this morning.
Oh Father....Father.....Father....God you're worthy. Oh my God, you're so worthy. I love you so much. God I love you. God I love you.
I feel so brand new.
I feel like a new creation.
God thank you for making me new. Thank you for making my life brand new. Thank you for restoring the waste places in my life. Thank you for streams of living water in what was the barren desert of my life. Oh if anyone only knew how low i was they'd understand and appreciate how i feel....but they can't. i can only worship You for myself. and i worship You oh MY GOD in spirit and in truth. i worship you in the beauty of your HOLINESS.
you made me new God. thank you. my soul called out for you. you provided refuge for me oh God. i called out to you and you answered. God thank you for not forgetting me.
thank you.
i'm surrendered. i bow down. i give my life away to you. take full control. take over God. take over me.
use me. i'm a new creation in Christ Jesus. i'm leaving those things behind me and pressing towards the mark for the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus. i'm laying aside every sin, every weight, every hinderance that does so easily beset me....God...you've broken yokes...you've brought me out of bondage, you've BLESSED ME so much...how can i not take up your yoke...it's LIGHT compared to the sin that used to weigh me down. Oh to God be the glory this morning....to God truly be the Glory.....magnificence...honor...power...splendor....
you're awesome God. thank you for making me new. thank you for making all things new. thank you for refuge. thank you for water. thank you for salvation. thank you for SONSHIP. thank you for birthing something new in me....for restoring me.
Oh God...you're worthy and i bless your name this morning.
"Pour out your heart to Him...God is a refuge for us...Selah" Psalms 63.
i love you Lord. i love you so much.
03 November 2011
I Feel So Alive....
two months ago i was depressed. i was low. i was so low, had suicidal thoughts. i cried out to God for help. i'd called out may times before, but i never mixed my pleas with faith. this time was the last time, for if i sunk any deeper, i'd be dead. my soul was dying. i'd lost my way. i'd lost my sense of self...my sense of purpose. each morning, i'd wake up, sit on the edge of the bed and wonder why God even made me. why was he even allowing me to continue to live? i felt like a waste of a person.
i know now i felt that way for many reasons, mainly because of my partial disobedience. i attended church, i spoke in tongues, i sang on the praise and worship team, but there were areas in my life which were completely out of the will of God. not only was i conscious of them, but i purposefully did things i knew weren't pleasing to God. i don't know if He was breaking my heart because i was breaking His. as i grieved Him, did he grieve me? i can't imagine that was the case, as He loves us even when we don't or can't love ourselves. however, He will subject us to frustration in order to draw us closer to Him. and so, i lived my life in this rut...day in and day out i would just go...wheels spinning in no particular direction...alive but not really living. i felt like the walking dead. i wished someone would simply put me out of my misery.
i felt trapped in a relationship that was killing my soul. each day, the once brilliant glimmer that used to be me would dim ever so slightly until one could barely remember that i used to shine.
and then things started to change. Bishop began preaching a series which has changed my life. i started mixing faith with what i heard because that's all i had left. i'd relied upon my natural desires which had left me frustrated, confused, and distraught. clearly, i needed another way out of my misery so i fully turned to God.
6 weeks ago, he and i were planning to move in together. we'd attempted this in the past, and each time we moved closer to the move in date, i'd become physically ill or depressed. of course, being the hard-headed person i am, i decided that it was going to work this time. yes...this time, i was going to shove all of those inclinations NOT to do it and go ahead and take the plunge. fear had gripped me so that i was acting against my very basic instincts and those instincts were really the Holy Spirit tugging at me and telling me NOT to do that. i was absolutely miserable and needed help....fast.
one saturday night, i wrote a journal entry in my other blog (which i reference in one of the videos below) and in it i called out for help. and help came in the form of a friend who prayed for me and prophesied over me. help came a couple of weeks later in the form of Pastor Steph who prayed for me. i confessed all of the dark, hidden things which had hindered me. that day, i went home and i told him i couldn't be with him anymore and that the relationship was killing my soul. he left. there was no big argument. there was no drama. there was no tug of war. it was over....and i was resolute.
no turning back.
God has been faithful to me. i can't believe that all this time i was blocking Him from flowing freely in my life the way He wanted to. however, He needed me to act first...and i did. i'm thankful.
i feel so alive right now....right now...everything is moving so quickly....as if God was just waiting for me to agree so He could do His thing. i smile more now. i feel His presence everywhere i go. i listen to Him and His voice is growing from a faint breeze to a distinct sound.
God i hear you and i'm here to obey you. i give my life to you. lead me where you want me to go.
lead me and guide me to do your will on this earth. everything to the glory of God.
in Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.
i used to love jill scott and even though i'm not feeling many cuts on her most recent album, when i heard this back in the summer of 2010 for the first time, i cried. i was in the car driving somewhere on a saturday afternoon and i was at a stop light. tear started streaming down my face because the raw emotion in this song struck a chord with the anguish i'd been experiencing.
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