can a man take fire in his bosom...

without being burned?

(post disclaimer: i'm writing this from another computer so don't judge me for any typos)

lust. fornication. fornication. lust.

demons which have chased me down for the longest time. the more i've tried to escape them, the more they've chased me. their presence in my life has opened the gates of hell and unleashed legions of demons to attack my spirit. correction: my decisions have allowed these demons to come into my life.

when i was 10 i had no understanding of spiritual things. heck, when i was 23 i had no understanding of spirtual things. but now that i know who's attacking me and why, will i not stop?

the Holy Spirit has spoken to me very clearly these past two evenings:

"can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?"

and

"if you don't stop, i'll take him from you. my will for you is connected to your holiness."

lust. fornication. fornitcation. lust.

as soon as they come into my life, my mouth shuts. prayer becomes cumbersome...they very thing which makes them flee. my praise becomes dead. my worship seems meaningless.

lust. fornicaton. fornication. lust.

they've caused me to settle. lower my standards for small things...for small men...for small experiences...they're so base and they drag me down with them. yesterday, the lust demon MUST have been on me cuz i said i'd settle for any ring...any experience...anything. that that moment, i wanted marriage...for the legal right to have sex. i wanted to lay my man out on the floor, right then and there, jump on him, ride him until i couldn't ride him anymore, and wake up in the morning, guilt free...with a rubber band on my finger.

last night we watched Twilight:Breaking Dawn and while i wasn't all that impressed by the melodrama and the terrible acting, i was impressed that the movie portrayed Bella and Edward's commitment to staying chaste until marriage. i thought about our wedding day and wedding night. i thought about how much it would mean to us, not only to share that experience with each other, but to share the testimony that we were able to remain pure until our wedding day. i pictured walking down the aisle with him waiting patiently at the end, smiling, and ready. the enemy has reconized something so perfect and pure between us, that now He wants to come and destroy it. our friendship was built upon purity and chastity. before these past two months, we hadn't even kissed in 5 years! yes we're attracted to each other, but we were able to do without all of this for so long, we can clearly go another year and a few months.

am i beating up on myself? no, not quite. just acknowleding that we opened the door. i confess i opened a door several nights ago when i lay in my bed and overcome by the lust demon, i did something i shouldn't have. God, we need you to shut this door that we have opened. forgive us Father, for we have sinned, and certainly fallen short of the glory of God.

i will not live in fear. i will not live in shame. i will not live in condemnation. those are all spirits which come when playing with the lust demon. i won't do it. i won't settle. i've spent my entire life settling for what i deserve as God's child. i won't let the enemy strip us of what God has placed in us.

next week is a week of fasting and much prayer. fasting, prayer, and re-consecration.

i believe God when He says He'll take Ron from me. God is not a man that He shall lie. He's a sovereign God. He does whatever He wants and whatever He needs to do.

forgive us Father. i repent. i'm sorry. consecrate me. purge me. cleanse me. keep me. purify me. sanctify me.