i know now i felt that way for many reasons, mainly because of my partial disobedience. i attended church, i spoke in tongues, i sang on the praise and worship team, but there were areas in my life which were completely out of the will of God. not only was i conscious of them, but i purposefully did things i knew weren't pleasing to God. i don't know if He was breaking my heart because i was breaking His. as i grieved Him, did he grieve me? i can't imagine that was the case, as He loves us even when we don't or can't love ourselves. however, He will subject us to frustration in order to draw us closer to Him. and so, i lived my life in this rut...day in and day out i would just go...wheels spinning in no particular direction...alive but not really living. i felt like the walking dead. i wished someone would simply put me out of my misery.
i felt trapped in a relationship that was killing my soul. each day, the once brilliant glimmer that used to be me would dim ever so slightly until one could barely remember that i used to shine.
and then things started to change. Bishop began preaching a series which has changed my life. i started mixing faith with what i heard because that's all i had left. i'd relied upon my natural desires which had left me frustrated, confused, and distraught. clearly, i needed another way out of my misery so i fully turned to God.
6 weeks ago, he and i were planning to move in together. we'd attempted this in the past, and each time we moved closer to the move in date, i'd become physically ill or depressed. of course, being the hard-headed person i am, i decided that it was going to work this time. yes...this time, i was going to shove all of those inclinations NOT to do it and go ahead and take the plunge. fear had gripped me so that i was acting against my very basic instincts and those instincts were really the Holy Spirit tugging at me and telling me NOT to do that. i was absolutely miserable and needed help....fast.
one saturday night, i wrote a journal entry in my other blog (which i reference in one of the videos below) and in it i called out for help. and help came in the form of a friend who prayed for me and prophesied over me. help came a couple of weeks later in the form of Pastor Steph who prayed for me. i confessed all of the dark, hidden things which had hindered me. that day, i went home and i told him i couldn't be with him anymore and that the relationship was killing my soul. he left. there was no big argument. there was no drama. there was no tug of war. it was over....and i was resolute.
no turning back.
God has been faithful to me. i can't believe that all this time i was blocking Him from flowing freely in my life the way He wanted to. however, He needed me to act first...and i did. i'm thankful.
i feel so alive right now....right now...everything is moving so quickly....as if God was just waiting for me to agree so He could do His thing. i smile more now. i feel His presence everywhere i go. i listen to Him and His voice is growing from a faint breeze to a distinct sound.
God i hear you and i'm here to obey you. i give my life to you. lead me where you want me to go.
lead me and guide me to do your will on this earth. everything to the glory of God.
in Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.
i used to love jill scott and even though i'm not feeling many cuts on her most recent album, when i heard this back in the summer of 2010 for the first time, i cried. i was in the car driving somewhere on a saturday afternoon and i was at a stop light. tear started streaming down my face because the raw emotion in this song struck a chord with the anguish i'd been experiencing.
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