boom.

i want to spend some serious time before 2013 and sit in silence.

listen from God.

write down my goals.

next year will be one of the busiest and most fulfilling years of my life.

i'll be getting married to the love of my life.

planning a wedding.

moderating two extra curricular activities.

becoming an "advanced" teacher.

writing a section of a charter school application for spring 2013 submission.

planning and fundraising for 100 people to take a trip to new york city.

we will purchase our first home.

oh yea...and then there's the photography business that i'd like to jump start.

so.

it's clearly not by my might, nor by my power, but by Your Holy Spirit.

Lord, help me to forge ahead and ENJOY the life that you're establishing for me.

grant me the strength and the wisdom to know what to do and when to do it.

whew.

less than one year until we are married.

christmas is tomorrow.

it's snowing in D.C.

we're driving home tonight.

let me go and take a nap.

good morrow.

YC

woke up this morning...

went back to sleep and dreamed of death.

a funeral in my classroom for a girl....more like a viewing for the body....i don't know who the girl was...i don't teach her...i don't even think she goes to my school....she was in the casket and i think there were other family members around...

i stood my place in line to view the body....

i touched her head....more commotion....eventually it was me and another person in the classroom and the girl woke up as if she had just been sleeping.

but when i woke up, i remembered that in the dream, i'd seen my brother Tungie lying in a casket as well.

and i began to pray.

i've been so tired.  i haven't been pushing.

i feel like the enemy is aiming bullets at me.  since He can't have me, He's taking out the things around me.

yesterday, two students got into a fight.  one of them, Diamond, is not a student whom you would expect to be mixed up in that type of foolishness.  her mother is one of the most active members on the Parent's Association Executive Committee.  she holds two positions.  treasurer and 10th grade representative.  apparently, the fight was so brutal that our principal had to call a meeting of the staff at the end of the day to address it.  the two girls were so sound up, they would up assaulting the staff member who tried to step in the middle and break up the fight.

my uncle....

the devil is aiming darts...

my stomach....

my mind and the impure thoughts of lust and fornication trying to take over...

the overall fatigue....

and of course attack my faith....

but today, in the name of Jesus I put on the whole armor. 

reset button.

reset button.

lets try this again.  this time, with a clean heart that You have given me and with the power of Your Holy Spirit.

YC

you don't write.

and i don't think that's fair.

oh yea.  there is a wedding that's taking place in less than six months.

Lord, Jesus.

help.

and these are the final days of fall...

it's not even winter yet...not until the 21st of december.  it is currently the 6th.

do i see the light at the end of the tunnel?  not really?  not yet, at least. but i'll keep walking forward because even though i don't see it, i know that it is there and it will manifest itself soon enough.  just gotta keep up this pace.

because there are nights when i just want to lay down and hold him.  lay down and be held...and be rocked to sleep...and nestle myself in warm, milky dreams that are concentrated in and contrived from the purest forms of sweet ecstasy.

and to say that i didn't feel this way would be a lie.  and i don't really like to do that.  so i'll acknowledge it for what it is....a fact.

and i am still a human....and i am still a woman...and i am still 25.  and i am still living my life in this body....

these are facts.  but then there's truth.

but i know that i (my flesh) must die so that the power of the resurrection of Jesus Christ can dwell and live in me.

so to say i don't feel it would be a lie.  but i will not succumb.  for the devil comes only to seek, kill and destroy. 

so today...even right now...simply...

i choose life.

and things are different a year ago then they were under a year and ten days ago today...and i hope to say the same about next year...and the year after next.

stagnation is not my cup of tea.

thank you Jesus for forward movement.

Selah.

Sometimes I sit and wonder how I got so lucky. Lord you really do love me.

two conference calls...

times like these when i have to remember that resistance is my friend....resistance is my friend.....resistance is my friend.....if i would have given into the resistance i felt in may 2011, the parents association would not be where it is today...

so i know that this sudden spirit of fear has come upon me to torment me....fear hath torment, but i have to remember that perfect love casts out ALL fear.

God, you didn't give me the spirit of fear, but of love, power and of a sound mind...

i have peace of mind in Jesus' name.

amen.

Ugh.

they are new every morning....renewed every morning...great is Thy faithfulness...oh Lord.

great is Thy faithfulness.

God....sometimes i just have to say God.

God.

My God.

i believe it is about 52 degrees in my classroom.  no lie at all.  the bell just rang.  i just started this entry.  a quiet day on the homefront.

and i'm praying always, with all types of prayers....

never giving up on my prayers....

knowing that when the enemy comes in the like a flood, the Lord will lift up a standards.

thank you Lord.

thank you.

yes.

the answer is yes.

who is to really know what it will be like a year from now?  five. ten.  the fifty we've asked for.

who is to really know?

because life will happen quickly.

and each moment will be a piece of memory that we'll want to hang onto...

as we celebrate the moments we're in.

and the past,

which is now

will seem distant

while the future comes all too soon

every moment 

every hour

every second

every day of my life

i am yours.

and in the moment

when we touch

in the morning, so in love....

breathing you in and holding your frame

i remember that soon will come the time to let go

and all but the memory will remain

oh my love, let's not let time's raging speed ravish our instances together

hold fast to your presence, the distant now...we're together

because yesterday, we said we'd have forever.

but we lied to ourselves, forever is never

so the clock ticks on and our bond won't sever

and we both live on in the memory of this

eternal

love.

i realize how much time i spend looking at other people's work. other people's style. other people's lives... not realizing and being thankful for the life that i have lived...and knowing that the life i'm going to live will be 10 times more amazing because of the grace and favor God has bestowed upon me.

 i have less than seven months (yesterday made it official) until i marry the LOVE OF MY LIFE.

 i am laying the foundation and putting in the work to live one of my biggest dreams as a successful, full-time photographer.

 i am looking forward to being an awesome wife and mother.

 i am sooooooooooo blessed to have a well-paying job and ALL of my needs met.

 i am growing each day in my relationship and walk with the Lord Jesus Christ. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! praise be to God.

 You REIGN and to You belongs all of the glory, honor, dominion, and power. now and forever. Amen.

huh?

this morning has really been a blur.... this morning, around 2, my shoulder dislocated. briefly...a couple of seconds while i was asleep...enough to wake me up... i got up, saw ron's email to me....then, spent some time praying about whether the house was the right decision.... then i laid down.....and a few moments later...i felt something come over me...i was conscious....but i could not move....so if someone would have seen me, they would have thought that i was asleep....and i heard a voice saying something to me loud and clear...but i don't remember what it was....it was good... this morning at 5, i woke up to pray again....and read....asked God to help me remember what was said to me earlier in the morning....then i had a dream about the house...and strange lady in African garb came through the back entrance of the house...she actually opened up the door to the kitchen while we in there....i didn't like her presence....at all...her eyes....there was no pupil....just a black iris... and i heard...."this is the spirit of death in this house...." ummmmmmmmmmm......... i just wanted to go to sleep? so Lord...is this house good? is it bad? was that you talking to me earlier in the morning...was it something else???? He says..."settle yourself." ok. i'm settled.

this morning.

a renewed hope as i look unto Jesus....the author and the finisher of my faith. He who began a good work in me SHALL complete it. and for that...i am thankful. He just won't leave me hanging. thank you Lord.

there is such a longing...

there is such a longing in my soul...to do and be more than what i am doing and being now. i just remember that this is a stepping stone. there are things now that i'm enduring that are preparing me for the future. and i hold on to the prophecies. and i do my best not to complain or get disgruntled. today is a day that i am fighting apathy about teaching. bleh...it pays the bills. but i never just wanted a job that paid the bills. that's how i saw my father live my entire life...that's what i never said i would do. and now...i'm in this place. stuck? no...not stuck...because there is forward movement...just knowing that this isn't my end is the one thing that's propelling me forward. "you shall go back...."-Pastor Thomas all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.... i shall go back. the present sufferings of this world cannot compare to the future glory which will be revealed in me.... tribulation worketh patience... so let patience have it's perfect work....

honest conversations.

God. the closer i get to you...the more i realize how contrary this fleshly nature is to yours. because you desire truth on the inward parts...and in the hidden parts, you shall make me to know wisdom... clean out my heart...for it is desperately wicked...who can know it? create in a me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. i am human...but your Spirit lives in me....more Spirit...less of me. for it is not I who am alive.... Lord...renew me in the spirit of my mind. wash my heart with your Word.... order my steps.... help me Lord. in Jesus' name. Yvonne

something good is about to happen...

no. scratch that. something great is about to happen. no. scratch that too! MANY AWESOME, WONDERFUL, GREAT THINGS are about to happen. miracles, signs, and wonders. i believe! I BELIEVE! i believe! God....i simply believe! doors are about to open in my life that no man can shut. doors are about to close that should have been shut a long time ago. no man will be able to open. God, your glory is about to rest so clearly, distinctly, and bountifully upon me....simply because I have chosen to believe. i believe. i have faith. i believe for this wedding....for this marriage (!!!!!)...for this new family...for our children...for our business....for our walk with you...for souls to be won by watching our witness.... God....this morning, i exclaim! I BELIEVE! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!

miracles are taking place in my life right now as i type this. i believe it. hallelujah! good night. yc

hallelujah

today, i took the day off from work....i woke up incredibly physically tired, but overjoyed as well. the past three days, i have been fasting and praying. we received our engagement pictures back from our initial photographer and while they were nice, we made the decision to go with him against God's will. i like ATC's work but choosing to deal with him meant that we were unequally yoked. God couldn't really get the glory out of being associated with Him and it took a super crazy ordeal to get the pics taken and a bizarre prophetic dream from Ron to open our eyes that we had made a mistake. i am thankful, however, that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. we are now looking for another photographer....we have a few options and i'm praising God in advance for the doors opened, the paths made straight, and the miracles. to God be the glory in all of this. we don't have to compromise. for He shall supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. today, i feel refreshed and renewed. i can feel the shifting taking place. my faith level just needs to go higher. it is going higher. as He's pushing me, instead of resisting, i press as well. it's almost like....there are heights that He wants me to reach....i'm reaching for them....but i can't do it without His boost....the momentum that He's giving me through the power of His Holy Spirit, plus the momentum coming from making the decision to reach (my obedience) takes me to higher heights. the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. so while i have felt the sting of His chastisement...it would have simply been wise to listen in the first place. i thank Him for His mercy for He says in Proverbs 1 "Repent at my rebuke!" then I will pour out my thoughts to you, I will make known to you my teachings. thank you for the opportunity to repent. thank you for your grace. thank you for your mercy. thank you for your opportunities. thank you for your boost. thank you for the discipline. thank you for loving me as your own daughter. thank you for training me to reign as an heir. a joint heir with Christ. thank you that i am a recipient of all of the promises. thank you that i am the seed of the righteous. thank you that i am above and not beneath. thank you that signs and wonders shall follow me because i believe. thank you that all things are working together for my good. thank you for your love Lord. thank you for the truth, which never fails. it remains the same. thank you for your Word. thank you for Jesus. thank you Lord.

oh happy day! thank you Jesus!

so obvious.

it's 1:52 a.m.

we got the pics. and the video. this love is so obvious...can't you see?

Ron & Yvonne from Andrew Thomas Clifton on Vimeo.

God.

*looks up*

*blinks*

*twiddles thumbs*

so this is where we are.

today, when i go home...i'm reading my promises Bible, praying, and going to sleep.

anything else, and my brain MIGHT explode.  real rap.

good day.  good evening.  good night.

ok.  honestly.

now that i edit photographs....i just can't settle for anything at my wedding.

we thought we had a photographer and videographer and now we're looking again.

God...please give us favor with talented people who will capture our wedding day in pictures and video with integrity and with a unique artistic eye that represents and demonstrates the love Ron and I have for each other.

cuz i'm looking at alot of this flim flam like.....

whaaaaaaaaat?

smh.

help us Lord.  this is obviously now back in your hands.  clearly, nothing in this wedding will be of our own doing.

Hebrews 4 is giving me life right now.

because more than ever, i need to know that God is real.

i need this Holy Spirit to move in my life in a legitimate way.

faith on trial

in these days when it seems like no one knows my name.

but God.

my circle seems small.

this is what the eye sees.

but this is not what You promised....

Lord, this is what your promised to me:

that my faith would be the substance

for you to work miracles, move mountains, and say to problems,

"no more shall you be"....

this faith is ever patient...

it's everything to me.

it's everything i have right now....because the natural eye cannot see.

so God, i'm clinging to you

because right now nothing seems sure

but the substance of things hoped for.

this is a time of immense need.

grace, give unto me abundantly

i come boldly before your throne

have mercy on my for my unbelief

Lord, give me the things that the natural eyes can't see.

make something out of substance for your child.

make something out of my faith's substance.

Lord, do it for me.

please.

make something out of substance.

back at square one...i think.

the awkwardness and mistakes you make during the spiritual maturation process.

discipleship....

not a baby...don't need milk...

definitely not ready for a porterhouse though...

grilled cheese maybe...

day by day.

bit by bit.

so God, what would you like me to do?

because this life of mine....

is not really mine....

but it belongs to You.

there are days when i want a break...want to walk away from it all...the pressure seems to great....but no diamond was ever formed without at first receiving a massive amount of pressure as a lump of coal....

so now, i feel it getting tight...because God is pressing on me from every side...and the gate is getting narrower....as i move closer towards Him...as I press towards the mark for the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus, so does He....from every angle....i can feel Him requiring more of me....desiring more from me...equipping me with much much much more.

YC

up listening to these songs and reading Revelations 5.

to Him who sits on the throne and unto the Lamb...

yes, it is getting better.

thank You Lord.

thank you Ron.

thank You Lord for Ron.

thank You Lord that your steadfast love never ceases and your mercies are never ending.

thank you for forgiveness.

fuck.

yes.

that is how i feel this morning.

only way to go from here is up.

so lets go,

this i know

"my love.  sweet love.  cross my heart...i could not love you more" *in my patti labelle voice*

 

but for real.  i think she lied.  i think i love you more and more every day.

 

we're at a point in our relationship where vulnerability is real.  real is real.  the good, the bad, the ugly.  we're getting to the point where the phrase "for better or for worse" is getting real.  you are a marvel.  God has done a marvelous work.  with me...with you...with us...and the grand thing is that He's surely not finished yet for He is the author and the finisher....He is "perfecting" us....and for that I'm thankful.

 

so on this rainy Tuesday morning, as you're probably catching up on some zzzzzzz's (because I roughed your coffee money) or putting in some school work....know that your efforts and your love do not go unappreciated....

 

"cuz even if the wall's come tumbling down all around us....we got a solid foundationnnnnnn...."

ugh.

been feeling so blah this week.....

so blah.

not eating and when i do eat it's fatty and derived from some meat product....

swollen eyes.

waking up at 5:30 instead of 5 to pray...

Lord.

*looks up*

forgive me and my ragediness.

eyes wide open...or at least i'm trying.

it's 12:28....in the morning...and i don't feel particularly inspired to write anything...but i don't really feel like going to sleep.

i was knocked out after my omelette with bacon on the side....woke up with both of my eyes swollen shut....

errrr.....

woke up to an e-mail essentially rejecting my photography....doing my best not to take it personally...knowing that behind every success are several failed attempts...but at least there were attempts...take the good with the bad...and know that His promises are "yay" and "amen" unto me because i believe on Jesus.

*looks around*

didn't go forward with the DJ.  the Holy Spirit told me yesterday...wait for something better....initially, i wanted to shrug it off, but i was at more peace with waiting than rushing into the decision and paying the deposit....so we'll wait...i also realized that she must have told Bruce about the wedding...i specifically asked for her NOT to send me links to him or his best friend....then all of a sudden, he texts me in the middle of last week in that oh-so-facetious way that he does, and "congratulates" me out of nowhere...nigro (yes, with an "i"), really?  when was the last time we had a real conversation.  i haven't talked to you since January....so i put it altogether and realized that's what happened.  boo to that.  there's something better out there for us.

in the last week, i have officially ended a ten+ year friendship....facilitated the first Parent's Association meeting of the school year....tried on wedding dresses (btw...i think i definitely found the one!)...met a woman who knows how to apply for 501 (c) 3 status....

i know God is leading me and guiding me.  i've asked Him to place me around the right people.  at this time, i'm not sure where photography fits into His whole equation for me.  i pray that God would change my motivations.  actually, i'm not really sure how to be motivated.  it's a business....business are supposed to make money...not be money pits.  right now....there is no profit...i had a vision....is it still there?  i'm not really sure what i'm doing with this thing....God help me.  it's been prophesied that everything i put my hands to will prosper...

ehhh....

i can't think about that right now.

God...just continue to lead me.  in Jesus' name.

amen.

we're getting close to the 200 day mark.

whew.

it's getting real.

it's getting SO real!

:-)

YC

wake up

ok.

clothes in the dryer.

lol.

smh.

one footstep at a time, man.  just one foot in front of the other.  even as the gate gets narrower.

let me go and do some work.

YC

this morning i had two dreams.

the first one involved me at some very large hotel.  inside of the hotel were a bunch of middle eastern people.  they looked like muslims...maybe indian people.  some had on turbans......most of them were men....

one of them was my friend and his name was tariq.....he was muslim...wore the garb....i was trying to convince him to become Christian....he said eventually he would...we were checking out of the hotel.  the lady at the front desk also happened to be the teacher next door to me, nicole, who is jewish.  he grabbed a purple rose from the decorations outside and said he would like to give on to her....then jokingly said something about after they fell in love, he would make her convert to Christianity.  we were standing in the front desk line again, when i noticed a stir among some people.  he didn't notice it, but as i began to look around, there were quick movements of men.  something was happening, but not everyone was supposed to know.

i grabbed tariq and told him to come on...we had to leave the hotel.  as we ran down the stairs to the door, we heard a major explosion and water just came out of nowhere.  i thought the  building would be decimated but it was water....the water rushed through the hotel doors and swept tariq away.  standing right next to me.  it's almost as if it was sent to wipe certain people out.  one second he was standing next to me and the next second, the water swept him up into the air and killed him.

the water kept coming and wiping out groups of people.  the entire time though, even when it seemed like the water was close, i did not die.

i found a side closet door in the hotel, and hid in there.  with me were two gentlemen who had on the garb.  they looked indian this time. we hid in there safely.

then my alarm rang for 4:30.  i reset it for 5.

in those 30 minutes, i had another dream about a bomb.  it started off with me in some sort of bunker, feeding children (i suppose students) food.  i would cut up the food into pieces and feed it to them.  it was dark in there but somehow we were hiding.

then the dream transitioned to me being in the middle of the ocean, looking at a large floating house on a vast expanse of water.  there were people on it....they looked southeast asian...maybe filipino or something...dark skinned but asian......grilling, laughing, cooking out.....

then boom!  their ship exploded as well, and they began swimming towards another ship.  some were dead in the water, while some, along with myself, swam over to to another ship.  on it was a guy who looked as if he was the same race as the guys on the other ship.  however, he was formally dressed in some sort of formal military attire.....he had four stars on the shoulder of his jacket and on his lapel had his initials...

M.A.N.

i asked him what that meant....

and then i woke up.

God told me to write it down.

the glasses were a trigger.

december 17th, 2005.

my white suit that i had to lie down for.

in the mud accidentally by the mishandling of my then soon-to-be line sister.

dang.

she got the silent treatment all night too.

we almost came to fisticuffs that night.

we lived together the next year and barely said anything to one another.

but i was jealous of her...and couldn't express it.

i just acted that same way with you.

forgive me.

please.

yvonne

fatigued but i keep on pushing.

it seems as if as soon as i sit down to catch my breathe, there's something else to do.  today, i just turned down the offer to moderate an after school club because i feel like i'm at my maximum already.  i'd rather focus on a few things and do them really well than do a whole bunch of stuff really badly.

i guess you're stretching me God.  i know i won't pop or crack or give in to the pressure.

just....God....help me.  please.

please.

i used to cry when i felt this way...now i'mma just pray.

and i'm going to sleep.

goodnight.

i forgot about this song....but it's the way i feel...

"...love's my permission to be who i am...no inhibitions 'cuz you understand..."

everything i prayed for.

and i'm so blessed.  and this evening...after flowers delivered to my job...after tea at starbucks...after conversation....

it felt like it used to feel....but better.  and right.  and pure.  and good.

"...freedom to breathe, oh baby...love is you...."

Thank You Lord....

Thank You Lord....

the struggle

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing....So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin and death...

Romans 7.

i have always been fascinated by this scripture, even since i was first born-again and began reading the Bible.  in "MY" first Bible, a king james version which now sits on my windowsill, dusty and unused, this chapter is highlighted and underlined....even in my spiritual infancy, when i knew little of the deep things of God, i felt Paul struggle for real.  the top of the page even has a by-line: "The Christian Struggle".   and is this not the struggle indeed....God, i desire to good...you know I do...but everytime i want to do good, sin is right there all up IN MY FACE trying to get me to do the wrong thing...and sometimes I succumb, because Lord knows I'm not strong enough to face temptation myself.  plain and simple.  i am not.  every time i've tried to handle that situation on my own...bam. plow. boom.  yea....no.  failed.  so yes, i am a wretched man.  this heart of mine is desperately wicked.  who can know it?  but as verse 25 says, THANKS BE TO GOD who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

the book tells me to explain where i am in this struggle against sin and lay myself before the Lord.  then, i must pray to Him and ask Him to not only shield me from wordly passions, but to also teach my while i read the book.  it also tells me (in chapter 2) to confess where Satan has deceived me about sexuality.

so here goes...where am i?  how have i been deceived?

i have been struggling.  since I was 9 or 10. 

the summer that I turned 10. 1997.  Dallas, texas.  We moved from Maryland to texas the summer of 1996.  It only took one year for our family to be ravaged.  My mother filed for divorce from my father.  She moved out of the 2 bedroom apartment down the road to a one bedroom of her own.  I stayed with my father, who was either crying or  intoxicated….vacillating between self-pity, depression and rage.  My brother went to live with my mother.  Even though we were literally one apartment complex and a five minute walk away, we might as well have lived in different worlds.  I saw her once…maybe twice a week.  My brother and I switched.  I spent the weekends at my mother’s and my brother went to visit my dad. 

My mother was a registered nurse who worked the night shift at the veterans  administration hospital in dallas.  One Saturday night, she left me alone in our first floor apartment on her way to work.  As she closed the door, all I could hear was my father’s voice in my head… “don’t watch those shows late night.  She has HBO and showtime….that’s nothing but garbage that comes on at night”…..

I had NO idea what he was talking about…and yet, I was intrigued.  I wanted to know.  It’s almost like Eve in the garden…she received simple and plain instructions, and yet, the devil tempted her by telling her the exact opposite.  Somewhere in my mind, I figured that my father’s instructions weren’t worth anything….that whatever was on that television wasn’t harmful.  Whatever was on that television wasn’t insidious enough to wreak major havoc in my life….i was only 9 turning 10.  I was young.  I was innocent.  I had no understanding of good and evil….i just knew what I was told not to do…and I disobeyed.

I don’t remember what exactly was on.  Probably one of those infamous soft porn movies with D level actors and even worse acting….a crappy plot line that only provides the tenuous strings that attach a series of simulated sex scenes.  At 10….i was enthralled.  I had just begun my period….hormones that I didn’t know I had were raging inside of me….i watched….and I orgasmed…and I wanted to do it again and again…

Little did I know that this would begin a decade-long addiction to pornography that was only broken within the past year.  I would only look at it when I was lonely….not just alone, but when I felt lonely…when I felt things weren’t going right….when I needed a fix…and I would shower afterwards….because I felt dirty.  Never clean.  Always dirty.

And then came the relationships…if you want to call them that.  I’ve had sex with men and women.   My first sexual encounter with a man was on Saturday, October 9, 2004 with a man who was twice my age.  I met him about two or three years prior…because I was lonely…home by myself….on a chat line…and I gave him my number…and he wouldn’t stop calling me.  We remained friends but never met.  He said that I intrigued him.  I liked his conversation when we did talk from time to time.  I had an internship the summer before I went off to college.  An older man, recently married with 2 or 3 kids began showing interest in me.  He would make comments about my legs…he said they were nice…that I had nice knees….that I would be the right size after I gained a little weight…in a few years….

Now, as I look back, I realize he was a sexual predator….when I went off to college, he would call me from time to time…and I knew that he wasn’t right.  All he wanted to talk about was sex….
But he was the first man to ever take me out on a date….my last day of work, we went to a nice steak house.....but we never did anything…he made me feel like the piece of meat on his plate…his ways were way to obvious…so the enemy had to use another tactic…more slick to take what he wanted….my virtue…my virginity.

I told the guy from the chat line…who confessed that he’d always liked me….i called him as soon as I returned from the date…he told me that I should give him a try….this whole time, I’d never been with a man…might as well give my virginity to someone I knew, right?  We began talking more and more…I went away to school…and again, felt lonely….needed to have a grip on something I knew…something that could comfort me in a strange new place….so we planned to see each other for the first time ever….Columbus Day weekend…fall break at school…I came home…I was meticulous…preparing myself outwardly to be examined….to be taken stock of…to be looked over as if I were…a piece of meat…and he like what he saw…of course, I was young, slender but shapely, brown, pretty girl, pretty smile, unspoiled.  Sweet but sexy…

I didn’t like what I saw…he was older…his rich, deep voice didn’t really match his smaller frame…and everything that I’d built up about him in my head sort of deflated…like a balloon…one that I struggled to inflate during the next few years….but at that point, I saw all of his shortcomings….

But I was already in this deep…I couldn’t back down now…I’d talked a good game…besides, what would he think of me if I said no…I had to go through with it.  and we did....he took me to…a steak house (see a pattern here?)…I drove because he didn’t have a car…(a pattern that I’d continue into real adulthood)…got back to his house he shared with his cousin, her two kids, baby’s father and a boarder named Anne.  He had his own room.  A mattress and box spring…on the floor…not supported by a frame.  And when we got to the room, he began to undress me….and I got that dirty feeling again.  Wasn’t this supposed to be romantic like all those times I’d seen on the tv?  Wasn’t I supposed to be sighing with ecstasy?  Wasn’t this supposed to be pleasurable?  I didn’t have ONE CLUE what I was doing…I just knew what I saw on the movies…the soft porns….
I remember once in high school, he’d sent me a couple of “real” ones on VHS…I’d sneak and watch them on a small television at night when my father was sleeping….i hid them underneath my bed….my father found one….and instead of reprimanding me…he told me… “there will be time for all of that…”….

My boyfriend (I guess), began to kiss me and say dirty things to me which I guess was supposed to turn me on…it didn’t.  I was so afraid of it hurting that I’m not sure he was able to even get inside of me.  If he was, I know it hurt….it was dry….it was quite unpleasurable. 

Eventually, it became pleasurable…..i called myself loving him….but eventually he wasn’t enough.  My second sexual encounter found me screwed over and the laughing stock among several men who I do not have the desire to ever see again….one second I was a beauty queen…the next minute, I’m entertaining a frat brother in my hotel room….didn’t I know what he wanted?   Didn’t he get what he wanted?  Hyped me up with a fantasy…gave me the okie doke, hit it, quit it, and he called me when I made it back to school out of courtesy.

I was pissed.  I was hurt.  I was vulnerable.  Then I figured it all out.  Sex was a game.  It wasn’t valuable at all.  It was a trinket to be wielded at the right time…to get what you want.  People didn’t take it seriously at all.  It had no value to me at all.  And so, instead of treasuring it…treasuring my purity, I pursued my sexual desires….i pursued the flesh….my first partner wasn’t enough.

the book that Deac. Annell gave to me requires me to journal about my past sexual experiences....the myths that i've interpreted as truths along the way during my life's journey about sex, sexual sin and immorality....lies the enemy told me which ensnared me and kept me captive.

but i know that i am no longer bound to the law of sin and death...rather, it's the law of the spirit...that very same spirit which is working in me and growing in me...that has the power to nullify the former....

Thank you Jesus.

it's cathartic, in a sense, to write down thoughts....revisit the past...dig through the muck and mire to finally arrive at the truth.

some entries i will make public...some i will not...in the end, i know that i and we will be better for it.  a part of our prayer during this time of fasting is that God prepares us for marriage....part of our vision is that we remain celibate.  this means we cannot give into temptation...nor can we play with fire....can a man take fire into his bosom and not be burned?

ha.  rhetorical questioning.  of course we know the answer.

i thank you God that i will be able to walk down the aisle towards my husband without spot or blemish in your eyes because you are a God of restoration and you make all things new.

so as i crucify this natural flesh...crucify also those lustful and sinful desires in me.

in Jesus' name I ask.  amen.

bless You.

YC

Confirmation

Psalms 116

Affirmation

Titus 2 & 3

God you are good and your mercy is everlasting.  It endures forever.

Good morning!

there are so many thoughts running through my head...

Jesus, just help me take everything one step at a time.

please.

help me.

church folks are something else....

you figure you can go there and really just show love...and receive it back.....

i guess it's astounds me even more when they don't have like faith or commitment....or the very ones who are supposed to be THE example aren't.  

God forgive me.  I realize that I am wrong.  God, I forgive them.  

but everything happens for a reason....all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose...

bickering...backstabbing...in-fighting...

i can do without it...

sooooooo....i have to keep my eyes on Jesus and press towards the mark....the glorify Him.  that and that alone.

YC

Prayer: Week 2

God is talking to me through my dreams.

What's a little drink now and then????  Right?  Wrong....

A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways....

Last night, i dreamt of the wedding from hell....nothing was prepared...lewdness, drunkeness, and debauchery at the reception....

then shift to another dream where Dana is loud, obnoxious, and completely out of order....and i hear Ron's voice saying, "yes, before she's a friend, she's a soul too....but if they're not walking with you..."

God, forgive me if my witness hasn't been credible.

i woke up this morning and prayed in tongues.....hard.

and then, i heard God say...

You are not like everyone else....you have never been.  stop trying to be.  You are mine....and I will fight for you.  i am a God of war....you are already victorious...victory implies a battle...and you are my battle axe...my weapon of war....that's why I tell you to put on the whole armor...because this is a fight....I am a God of war....and you are my weapon of warfare...you are more than a conquerer through Christ....the enemy will do everything in His power to distract you from engaging in battle...but i have you made you for such a time as this...all you have to do is say, "here I am...send me".

wow.

wow.

wow.

wow.

i just cut up my credit cards.

so even if i'm tempted to use them to buy nonsense...i won't because i can't.

i'm getting a bonus in a couple of weeks.  1230 will probably look more like 800 something once it's all said and done.  tithe 123.00.  catch up on my vehicle.  use the remainder to pay down some credit card debt.

at least one credit card will be paid off by the end of the year ($750).

just had a whole tear fest.  tantrum.  face squeezed up.  balled up.

ehhhh.  u want some different...do something different.

boom.

and there you have it.

YC

second post for the day...

soooo can i say that my fiance is the BOMB.com?

so diligent...so humble...so hard-working...so solutions-oriented...such a freaking go-getter.....I LOVE HIS SPIRIT!  He just makes me want to do better.....always showing me the positive when it's easy to look at things negatively...helping me to see the bright side when a situation looks bleak or dim...

THIS is why i want to marry YOU!

wow!

ok.  enough for now!

YC

Prayer: Day 2...All Mastery Day...The First Day of School...kinda...

today was "ALL MASTERY DAY", the first day for all staff in the Mastery organization when we come together to hear about our past successes and future endeavors in educating the students who come through our schools.  before Lenfest's staff joined the 800 or so other Mastery Charterites, we started at our own campus for a brief presentation about last years progress towards the goals we set out right around this time last year.  it seems our campus did VERY well! we hit/excelled in 21/24 of our goals making significant gains from the prior year to this year.  excellent job.  i think much of that had to do with the fact that we retained all but one of our teachers from the year prior.  we were basically teaching with the same staff.  the kids knew the flow.  the teachers knew the flow....i'm loving the flow because goals hit= BONUS!  oh yes...gotta love it.

$1232.00.  ok ok.  i know it may not seem like a lot (especially after uncle sam gets his...right?) but that an extra something that can go towards wedding expenses and can be sown back.  i'm grateful that on the last year of the bonuses, we went out with a bang.  wooooo hoooo.

anyway, we sat there for a few hours and drank the koolaid (figuratively and well...literally).  we heard the startling statistics about the new students we're taking on at cleveland elementary, the feeder school for Simon Gratz in the Nicetown section of Philly.  there is certainly an urgent need for quality and passionate educators in this city and across the country.  i value what Mastery is doing for students on a daily basis....quiet as it's kept, i don't care too much around the politics about school choice...school reform...education policy....public vs. charter....it's nice to know that there are kids out there getting an education and that folks have put their heads to trying to solve the problem.  i'd rather be on the side that's solutions-oriented.  yes, public education is a mess.  who's trying to fix it and who REALLY has the students' best interests in mind?  with that being said, teaching is indeed a thankless job.  we will never get the glory or the limelight.  we will never get the immediate gratification and we probably will never get the super large salary.  you have to be in it for a different reason.  for a deeper sense of satisfaction.

i experience that deeper sense from time to time.  i'm not really passionate about education anymore.  i like the kids.  that's really the only thing that has me holding on right now.  it's not my time to leave.  i tried to leave lenfest last year for another position and it didn't really work out....soooooooo here i am, year three at lenfest....year five in the teaching profession.  as i prayed this morning, i kept saying (as i have been saying to myself) that the present sufferings of this world cannot compare to the future glory which is going to be revealed in me.  because lets be honest here....and i'm not trying to be deep or spiritual or religious...my job is not one that i am 100% passionate about.  however, i know there's a reason why i'm there and i find comfort in knowing that as long as i'm seeking Him first and His righteousness, everything else that i need will be added unto me.  He knows the desires of my heart....so what i'm doing now is truly not to please me, but to please Him. point, blank, period.

so i enter my fifth school year....boldly and cautiously.  is that even possible.  i'm bold about the fact that i know i'm a pretty good teacher.  i'm cautious about all of those sins that do so easily beset me and ensnare me in gossip, faintheartedness, impatience.  i know the testing of my faith is producing perseverance...much patience....thus, as i go through this experience as a teacher, i must count it ALL joy....even when i feel like biting myself (and yes, lets not fake...i do have those days...again...not trying to be deep...just keeping it real).

so i pray that patience have its perfect work so that i be mature and not lack anything.

this morning, when i prayed, i interceded for the leaders in my church.  bishop...pastor imani...senior leaders...pastors, elders, deacons....i prayed that they continue in the faith...that the stay strong...i prayed for their strength....so much work to do...i prayed that they not be weary but that each member do their part in the body to get the work done...at the end of the day...the work manifests itself into souls saved....if we don't do the work, the souls are at stake...and so i prayed that the souls be saved.  i began to cry for the leaders because i felt their burden...i felt the weight the had to pick up when others failed to do their part...and so i prayed that their strength be renewed...yesterday, i even prayed for Pastor Mildred....for we truly don't wrestle against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities...where there is dysfunction is due to the works of the enemy...deception...habits...lie based thinking....whatever is coming against her must be bound and something from God must be loosed....

anyway....

after all mastery day, i decided to head over the the happy hour where they had free food.  of course i didn't go for the drinks.  thus, after i'd had my fill of coconut shrimp, cheese sticks, and chicken fingers, i sat down by the front door for a little peace and quiet while everyone else got their drink on.  of course, who do i see but Pastor Anthony Brothers walking through the door in a tank top, camouflage shorts, socks, and flip flops with a bucket and some sort of cleaning tool.  he told me that the bar was one of his cleaning accounts and that he owns a "green" cleaning business.  WOW.  i thanked him for preaching a couple of sunday's before holy convocation and how i marveled that every time a pastor takes the pulpit, whether it be from our church or a branch church, male or female, it's all the same message.   he proceeded to talk to me for about 20 minutes, exhorting me to stay under Bishop and honor him because he creates leaders.  he told me that he was Bishop's adjutant (sp?) for 15 years and that he and Bishop walked together alone for about 3 years...that Bishop trained him...he told me to stick with Bishop because he makes good husbands...that when he came to the ministry, he wasn't loving his wife appropriately and he showed him how to do it...he said bottom line, people do what they see you do, not what they hear you say.  he gave the example of him, dressed the way he was, cleaning a bar...he says he owns a company that pays about 20 employees and he still goes out and cleans...does the dirty work and his employees respect him for that.  it's about humility.  he told me about leaders who have gone out...he's seen them lately and just asks why they wont go back and allow bishop to complete the work that God started in them....people who thought that being under Bishop was stifling their gift...that they felt they were ready to go out instead of being sent out....

the end of our conversation: stick with Bishop.  that's where you're supposed to be.  he raises up leaders.

all in all...it was a good day.  i'm tired.  missed my afternoon nap.  my body will get adjusted.  i have to wake up earlier for my 1 hour morning prayer/devotion.

God, i thank you for today.  looking forward to tomorrow.

Prayer: Day 1

Got up this morning.  Went to the small room.  Spent an hour in prayer and praise and worship to and with God.  I suppose prayer is like any other sport.  You might not be good at it at first, but at least when you first start, you’re doing it.  then, as you continue to practice, you gain the skill and the physical and mental capacity to excel at it.  thus, just because my strides aren’t as smooth or my hits as accurate as I know they should be, that doesn’t mean I should throw in the towel on my first attempt.

In the last 15 minutes, I began to worship God.  It seemed a little strained initially.  Tomorrow I will start with praise and then worship to set the atmosphere.  Anyway, I knelt down and after I’d prayed in tongues, I sat in silence and listened.  This is what I heard:

This school year will be your most triumphant, but you will also work the most.  I have sent you to that school and assigned those children to you so that you can intercede for them.  There are so many spirits coming against those children and you will begin to discern them as they come through the door.  For some children, you will literally see the spirit of death on them.  You will anoint your desks and chairs with holy oil at least once a week.  You will anoint your hands with oil every single morning that you step into the school building.  You will spend one day a week fasting and praying specifically for your students, careful to call out the name of each child you teach. 

You will also lose many “friends” this year.  As you pursue me this will happen, but don’t worry because I will replenish you in a way you can’t even imagine.  Remember, seek ye first the kingdom of God and all its righteousness and everything else will be added unto you. 

Before church yesterday, i say quietly and wrote down what i was hearing.  Devote yourself to one hour of prayer each day for the next six weeks.  It will transform your life.

so....before one can complete a journey...one must take the first step.

YC

still dreaming.

Good morning Father.  Good morning Jesus.  Good morning Holy Spirit.  Woke up this morning again after a strange and vivid and startling dream.

it started in an elevator.  i was in an elevator with some corporate-looking folks.  i guess it was the end of the day and we all piled in there with our business suits on.  we began to descend but then the elevator started acting up.  it stalled for a bit then it started going up and down....the numbers atop showed that it wood ascend to a certain floor then descend but never make it to the bottom floor.  weird.  we all thought it was going to crash and we were going to die...but i guess we didn't.  we all wound up stuck in some sort of car instead....and it was my idea to use the driver's side window to escape.  i began inching my way out of the car and realized that deac. annell was on the other side of the window attempting to assist me....as i looked back into the car, Vaniah and Olivia were in there as well, along with the people from the elevator.  it seemed urgent to me and the elevator folks to get out of the car (after all, we had been traumatized from our elevator experience) but Deac. Annell seemed to be taking her time.

it's as if she knew things were urgent but she was pre-occupied with her own stuff.  apparently, they had just gone grocery shopping, so Deac. Annell was making sure that her perishable groceries got out of the car with the victims of the elevator snafu (sp? lol).  anyway, we spend so much time in this car, that i realize we're parked on wharton street in front of the drug house with the red door.  my brother also winds up in and around the car.  i start noticing that people in the neighborhood (sketchy young characters) want to recruit him into their foolishness.  they take him around the corner....they offer him stuff....but the original reason my brother showed up in the dream was to help me out of the car...and help get the groceries out too.  after calling his name several times, he helps unload the trunk (by this time, deac annell, and the elevator people are gone and it's just me and my brother on wharton street)....he takes a bag...and on his way inside the house, i notice out of the corner of my eye that one of the sketchy neighborhood guys talks his way into our house by asking tungie if he can come in...of course Tungie says yes...

i put my bags down and attempt to scold tungie...but at the door, i hear that he's accosting my brother and assaulting him....i run through the house and out of the back door...(with groceries in hand mind u)...and realize that the back of the house looks like i'm in our neighborhood in maryland....i'm running for cover in the bushes....and then i think my alarm went off....


right?

heavy heart this morning. Lord make it light.

Father, in the name of Jesus......

you said blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled.

seek ye first the kindom of heaven and all its righteousness and everything else will be added unto you.

Father, I repent right now if I’ve put an anything out of order or out of place.  Father, help me get back in right standing with you.  change my mind.  My thoughts.  My intentions.  My desires.  Conform my will to yours oh Lord. 

My dreams have been very vivid….very crazy….i woke up this morning from one…it was about the wedding.

I dreamed that I was slated to marry my assistant principal, a woman.  Walking down the aisle I heard the Holy Spirit with fierceness saying “Don’t. Do. It.” and yet because I wanted to keep up appearances, I walked down the aisle.  I think I would up marrying her in the dream but immediately afterwards, when we were taking pictures (on some sort of yacht like the spirit of Philadelphia), I told her I didn’t really want to marry her.  She got mad, her father got mad…said they’d invested all of this money and time into the event.  I was so busy being selfish and worrying about myself that they said I didn’t care about anything or anyone else.  Wow.  I’d invited friends from all over the country and didn’t even go around to apologize to guests.  There was even a friend there that I’d raved and spent so much time during the engagement process praising her name…and I didn’t even realize she didn’t come.  All that money spent on caterers and the food was terrible.  It turned into more of a drunken cookout than a wedding reception.  It was truly wild.  TRULY WILD.

God, help me to get rid of my selfish ways.  What are things to you?  What is money to you?  you created all things…and you created me…..you are marvelous…above every situation and above every circumstance.

Father…please forgive me for my selfishness…for my lack of patience….for my lack of gratitude in even the smallest things….God, it is my desire to be in right standing with you.  Forgive me for my sinful and fleshly desires Lord…my sexual desires…Lord forgive me…for the thoughts that go through my head….Holy Spirit…please….take over…please…please…please…please…please…

Please.

Let me decrease so that you can increase through me.  Pastor Reg reminded us on Sunday that all you need is a body and mind…both willing to be used by you.  take my mind and transform it…I will wash my mind in your Word deliberately….so that it’s infused with something different.  Every time I feel like acting on a sinful passion or desire…I’ll pray…you said pray without ceasing….pray always and don’t faint….keep yourself in the love of God and pray in the Holy Spirit….Father right now, I humble myself…I turn from my wicked ways and I pray to you God….

God, you will provide.  You supply all of my riches.  I pray that you be glorified.  What do you want out of me?  What do you want out of this wedding?  What do you want out of our marriage?  What do you want out of my work performance?  What do you want out of my daily walk?  What do you want out of my thoughts?  What do you want out of my prayer life?  what do you want?

Holiness.

Simple.

Wash me once again, then.  Fill me once again with your precious Holy Ghost.  Fill me.  Fill me so that what’s been contaminated will no longer dilute the pure presence of your Holy Ghost.

In the dream….Ron was there….a second part…maybe an interlude…we were driving in a car….he asked me…

“Coke, what do you think about that?”

“About what?”

“6 weeks…prayer intensive.  At least one hour a day?”

And the selfish part of me rose up again.  Of course I mumbled it was ok, but in my heart I was like, “It really don’t take all that…”.

Wow.  Wow.  Wow.  Wow. 

God, forgive me if I’m being an impediment to your servant.  I repent right now from ever causing Ronald to get of course or off track.  Help me to love him with an unselfish heart.  Help me to love him wholly….not just body and physical… but soul love.

You say…”If you want to know how to truly love him…you must first love me.”

Your love doesn’t hurt.  It isn’t selfish.  It isn’t self-seeking…it isn’t vain…it isn’t painful…it isn’t out for pleasure…or vengeance…it gives…it gives…it nurtures….

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 14:3-7

Where I am lacking your perfect love….give it to me.  Please.

For that is your perfect will…that I walk in love….with all men…not just my future husband, but with every person….that  show forth your love that you showed me.  That I be kind…merciful…good…patient.  Forgive me God.  Forgive me.  Please. 

I ask all of these things in Jesus’ name.

 Amen.

slightly perturbed.

slightly.

today is the day...

i just wrote an entry...and it erased it all.  right when i was on my hallelujah!  but i praise you anyway!  HALLELUJAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

in Jesus name!

AMEN!

we all have issues.

but i thank God that Jesus died on the cross and was raised from the dead for mine.

i could choose this opportunity to focus on my shortcomings, misgivings, or my perceived problems.

however, what good would that do.  i know where i am weak, but that is ok, because He will make me stronger.  in fact, i intended to write a whole entry on an event that occurred today.  however, i will not and when i look back at this blog entry years later, i won't even be able to remember what it was.  it will be so insignificant.  so trivial compared to my future glory.

God thank you for your grace.

God thank you for your mercy.

God thank you for your Holy Spirit.

God thank you for your love.

YC

i wrote the vision...anything you want to add?

God, in your Word, You said:

I will stand at my watch
and station myself on the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me,
and what answer I am to give to this complaint.

Then the Lord replied:
"Write down the revelation (vision)
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation (vision) awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:1-3

So God, now here I am to write the vision for this wedding.  I'll write it as a list.

1. EVERY BILL/NEED/FINANCIAL OBLIGATION CONCERNING OUR WEDDING, RECEPTION, HONEYMOON, AND NEW LIVING SITUATION WILL BE MET ON TIME!!!!!!!!!!!  WE WILL WALK DOWN THE AISLE WITHOUT ANY DEBT OR FINANCIAL OBLIGATION FOR THIS WEDDING OR HONEYMOON OR LIVING SITUATION! You get the glory out of this day. Seriously. When people ask, "WOW, this is beautiful...how much was it?" or "How did you do all of this????"...the ONLY thing that I can say is "God did ALL of this...it was none of our doing....but we relied solely upon Him and He was faithful to us....".  This wedding will be so glorious in it's splendor to the natural eye that even unbelievers will know that OUR GOD IS REAL.

2. You be in the midst of the wedding.  Allow our wedding to change lives.  Have your way with our family members and friends in attendance because You will be in the midst...in the sanctuary and in the reception.

3. The Holy spirit will keep us sexually celibate and pure during our courtship until our wedding night.  This means, no verbal or physical gestures or insinuations, no time spent alone in each other's houses, no lingering in enclosed spaces by ourselves.  Also, this means no masturbation.

4. We will have a wedding coordinator who is organized, prompt, thorough, and enthusiastic to work with us.  The coordinator(s) will have an artistic eye and will help solidify the artistic vision of the ceremony and reception by adding personal and stylish touches in line with the bride's own.  The coordinator(s) will work smoothly with the church and reception personal as well as all vendors, eliminating all stress from the bride and groom during the process and on the wedding day.  With finite detail and expertise, they will help plan the wedding to a tee so that execution takes place flawlessly and seamlessly and transition between process coordinators and day of executors will be smooth.

5. I will have a beautifully tailored dress and accessories that fits me perfectly in terms of size and style made with fine materials and expertise.

6. Ron will be a dapper, and well-groomed STUNNING groom who epitomizes style in his custom fit, exquisitely tailored suit, complete with appropriate and equally stunning accessories.

7. We will have a stunning and personalized ceremony that is executed on time.  The design and the florals will be impeccably created.  The ceremony will include personal touches about our relationship from the decor to Bishop's inclusion of us when he discusses the marriage covenant.

8.  All those family and friends invited WILL  travel safely to Philadelphia to attend the wedding and reception without difficulty and will have enough money to cover their travel and lodging expenses.

9. There WILL BE peaceful and loving interaction between all members of the bridal party AND between all of our family members and friends.

10. The weather WILL BE BEAUTIFUL complete with the sun shining, cool and comfortable temperatures, no humidity, and no rain.

11. We will have both a photographer and videographer that capture our love superbly and artistically, creatively and beautifully telling and preserving our story through their lenses.

12. We will host two receptions: a smaller one immediately after the ceremony in the fellowship hall for those individuals who will not be able to attend the reception and the larger, more formal event at the Horticulture Center in Fairmount Park.

13. The wedding decor at the ceremony and reception sites will be elegant and romantic, and reflect that of a romantic tropical evening.  We will have candles, brightly colored exotic flowers creating a beautiful, stylish, and elegant atmosphere for our guests.

14.  We will have extremely tasty food at our cocktail hour and reception!

15. The formal reception will be FUN for all invited, including much dancing and celebrating our new nuptials!  There will be laughter, joy, fun, celebration, and love up until the VERY END and we will be able to spend time enjoying our friends and family who came out to celebrate us.

16. We will have an unforgettably excellent experience on our honeymoon in a beautiful location with word class amenities, during which we will: make love and explore each other under the sanctity of our sacred marriage covenant; relax and enjoy VACATION; engage in activities we've never done before; spend time alone, getting to know one another again and cherishing our new life together. (Longest, and probably most incorrect sentence ever!)

17. Upon return from our honeymoon, we will begin settling into a a home that is suitable for our needs as a newly married couple and will allow us to grow into our next stage in life.  We will have already moved both of our belongings into this home before the wedding and honeymoon so that, upon returning, we can focus solely on settling into it.

was having difficulty praying this morning....started crying...started asking God..."how can i even pray to you....?" and "i feel guilty even asking you for anything..."....

so i just sat there on the edge of the bed.

started reading Romans...

chapters 1-4...beginning of 5 ministered to me and met me right where i needed to be...

read it in NIV and The Message for clarification...

yup.

the Holy Spirit made it plain for me and answered me...

Thank you God.

from my favorite blogger...

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

• stop and breathe.

  i feel like i need to stop everything just for a little bit.
  i'm dizzy with trying to map out a future that isn't even promised to me.  my prospectus, dissertation, foreign language and certificate requirements all loom ahead of me.  it's hard to work on finishing my program when I don't know what will meet me on the other side.
  so i've decided to stop until i have a clue.  i've learned the WORST thing to do is to go full steam ahead when you're already confused about where you are in the present moment.
  i'm learning--in the chaos of my life--to just wake up and trust God for everything.  it is so challenging.  i mean, i want my PhD tomorrow. And a husband. And a house, and at least two kids, and maybe even a dog.  Maybe.
  but if i got all of that tomorrow, i wouldn't be able to juggle the responsibilities that come with those blessings right away.  i need one blessing at a time.  when i get that right, i can move on to the next big thing.  for a multitasker, this is difficult.  but i just want to be fully present in each moment, embracing ALL of what my life and each day has to offer.  i want to be happy about moments i get to spend with my students, my friends, my family.  instead of stressing about all that doesn't get done, i want to but celebrate what i have accomplished.
  it's a small change in perspective, but it leads to peace. and contentment. and joy.
  rjd
  
  
  i concur, rachel.  i concur.

322

there are 322 days left until we get married....at least that's what theknot.com says.

4 days until my 25th birthday...

hmmm.

contemplating.

contemplating.

contemplating.

life.is.good.

sometimes i stumble and certainly fall.

God is redemptive.

sigh.

forgive me God.

when you gon' write again?

...

the breakers are here

soooooo......

there are facts...and then there is the truth.

looking at some of the facts, one would probably think that i'd be dismayed right now.

but i know the truth.

the truth is in God's Word...and the truth tells me that i win!

so,  with that being said....i thank God that the present facts don't dictate the future outcome....

almost like a court case...each side presents facts...

but it's up to the judge/jury to decide the matter.

yes...these are the facts...but God has the final say.

amen to that!

tomorrow i go to see Mommy.  i haven't seen her for a year and a half...it's her birthday.  she doesn't know we're (ron and i) are coming down.

i think she's going to be tremendously surprised!

YC

God is

Holy Convocation 2012.  Dearborn, Michigan.  Go Tell It Ministries Worldwide.

Miracles.

Signs.

Wonders.

i haven't had the unction to write about it all.  i have some time off this week so i will.  in the meantime...i have this song in my spirit.

Go Get It!

i'm sure the debate about gospel/inspirational music will continue for the ages....but for the moment, i am unashamed to say that i REALLY like this song...especially during this season of my life.  yes, i have my issues with Mary Mary calling themselves gospel artists...they're more inspirational...not necessarily charged with spreading the gospel (the good news) of Jesus Christ through song.

however, one cannot deny the fact that they do make music that is positive and inspirational.  i'd much rather listen to this song than 2Chainz (sp?)...i'm just sayin'.  so for the moment...i'm going to take myself out of the religious debate and just enjoy the good music....

it's your TIIIIIIIiiiIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!!

like...how can you NOT put this on repeat....make you wanna go out and be the person He called you to be...like NOW!  GO GET IT!

God, am I wrong to want this?

just answer that question for me.  please. 

am i wrong to want this?

am i not supposed to have it? 

is this dream just some delusion? 

can i not take failure?

my best friend.

my confidant.

my safety.

my partner.

my soon to be husband...covering....provider...protector...lover...father of my children...

my dear, dear ron.

my dear.

my heart.

i love you.

know that.

good night.

now faith is...

everything i need more of in this season of my life and in the seasons to come.

and that, is no lie.

Lord.  I believe you.

and i PRAISE You in advance.

i thank You.

in Jesus' name.

AMEN!

last day of the school year.

365 days until the wedding.

thank you Lord!

never thought i'd be a perfectionist...

until this.

sigh.

my neck aches.

i'm going to bed....i think.

flashback

omg.

i just had a flashback of what i went through with men...it was not a good one...

Jesus Christ.....

thank you Lord for Ron.  thank you for a new day.  i know i'm not even worthy of the blessing but you did it for me anyway...

thank you Father!

from the washingtonpost.com this morning...

'“FIFTY SHADES OF GREY,” the quasi-pornographic bestseller that is doing for sado-masochism and leather crops what Harry Potter did for British boarding schools and broomsticks, is a publishing sensation — a supernova in the zeitgeist and a cultural lightning rod. It’s also atrociously written — proof positive that execrable prose is no bar to dominating the bestsellers list.

The book, by previously unknown British author Erika Leonard (better known by the pseudonym E.L. James), concerns the no-holds-barred sexual affair between a billionaire Adonis with a taste for bondage and beatings and the ingenue who loves him and takes pleasure in accommodating his tastes. Having appeared on the cover of Newsweek in April, the book is the subject of lively debate about whether it represents a milestone in the debasement of Western culture; harmless low-brow entertainment; or a tectonic shift in post-feminist fantasies.'

aaaaaaaand...this is what we've come to...suddenly, urban or "street" literature doesn't look that bad anymore....

right?

we really don't wrestle against flesh and blood...

but against powers and principalities...

the Holy Spirit is working on me....filling and re-filling this dirty cup....

the heart of man is wicked...who can know it?

that is the truth.

it is better to obey than to sacrifice.

but Lord, I thought....

but Lord, I....

but Lord....

but...

for real though Yvonne...who asked you?  follow the instructions.  obey the leaders.  don't say you're sacrificing your time and energy....what is my "sacrifice" in comparison to Jesus' sacrifice?  to the sacrifice of the Father's only begotten Son whom He sent that we might be reconciled back to Him?

WHAT?

i had to repent seriously for getting in the way of God's will.  i had to speak to that Saul spirit...that spirit of witchcraft and disobedience that even caused me to open up my mouth against one of God's annointed leaders.  i don't know why God annointed her...all i know is that Bishop placed her over me in a supervisory position and my job is to follow.the.simple.instructions.  don't grumble.  don't complain.  follow the orders as given.  don't put my flavor in it.  don't add...don't "but God I thought..."....

follow.the.leader. and know that God does ALL things well.  for He reminded me this morning of Saul and how He'd received simple instructions to obey.  He reminded me this morning about how obedience was MUCH better than sacrifice.  He reminded me to follow the simple instructions.  The Holy Spirit told me that this conflict i wrestled with last night...that feeling in the pit of my stomach was really Him who lives on the inside of me wrestling with that spirit of haughtiness and disobedience....it's not compatible with His Holy Spirit.  it's vile.  it's unclean. it's contrary to His will.  it will NOT bring about the peacable fruit of righteousness.  He wants my obedience.

and then I heard Pastor Steph's voice from the photo shoot.

"Purpose yourself to be obedient.  We purpose ourselves to be obedient."....WHAT?!  what?!  what an obscure quote at the time.  i had no idea why she was saying that...and yet the same Holy Spirit working in her saw something in me that looked contrary.  PURPOSE yourself to be obedient.  don't add nothing.  if the instruction is to flush to toilet...flush the toilet.  if the instruction is to be there on time...be there on time.  if the instruction is to be there on Saturday...be there on Saturday.  if the instruction is to follow the leader...follow the leader. 

it's funny how i've had these same issues with the same Pastor before.  last year, i got my true dose of "ministry" when i volunteered for vacation Bible school.  i felt that same feeling i've been dealing with for the past couple of days rise up in me...want to take the lead...want to take the reigns...want to say "that's not exactly how you do it".....but that's not my job.  my job is to obey. 

Lord. forgive me for anything i've said against your annoited and chosen woman of God.  forgive me of any wrong thinking, in the name of Jesus, your son.  cleanse my mind.  Holy Spirit change my heart and help to purpose myself to be obedient.  to pursue you and not approval from any human being...but to be found blameless and favorable in your sight.  Help me to be a persistent and obedient soldier, executing your orders with precision and deliberate obedience. 

Thank you Lord.  Thank you.

Thank you.

YC

whoa.

i met with my vice principal this morning and it looks like we're moving full steam ahead on this pitching the charter school.  she's looking to open it in camden since that's where she has all of her connections.  i asked her about Philadelphia, and she basically said most of the people involved in the project are from jersey. 

 

right now, we're working with this guy named terik tidwell who has opened a couple of charters in new york.  we have a pitch meeting on Saturday August, 4th in Northern New Jersey at the home of LaRetha's (my VP) friend, the attorney who will be on the board and deal with all legal matters.

 

during this meeting, we're inviting potential investors, as well as people who might have political connections to back this project.  i'm responsible for researching and presenting the demographics of the area, as well as the social, political, and economic climate that would possibly make this area ripe for a new charter start up.

 

anyway, charter school applications are submitted April of every year.  thus, we have about 9 months to get our stuff together if we're looking to open up in fall of 2013 (WOW!). 

 

 

i also have to come to the table with possible folks from South Jersey who might be interested in backing this project.  the only people i can really think of are from my former graduate chapter, Theta Pi Omega.  i stopped going almost two years ago because of foolishness, and the fact that i didn't really have the money to support.  meetings are held one saturday a month at 1:00 p.m. in NJ.  I'm going to have to pray about it.  there are many influential people in the chapter, including doctors and lawyers, current and former educators that i could pull in.  the board of a charter school usually has at least one doctor, one attorney, and one financial person who has political and social connections to the community and can help get things done quickly.

 

I think i'm also going to pitch the idea to our church folks who live in southern new jersey as well to see if they know folks who might be interested in backing this.  gotta pull on all the resources here.

 

God really knows the plans He has for me...even if i'm like "whaaaaaaaaa"????? lol.

 

so all things are working together.  at this point, i'm just going to ride this ride He has for me because every time i try to do it my own way, i get pulled out/ back.  applied for another job in the organization that would have pulled me away from this campus....not so much.  thought i was going to quit my job and live MY dream of being a wedding photographer....ehhh.....hold on sis...i'm not saying the business is over...but we just have to figure out other ways to get this thing popping...especially since Saturdays are most certainly not ours anymore lol. 

 

there's alot going on right now.  don't you feel things starting to shift?  i do....i'm not really sure what all of this is...but here goes....i kinda feel like i'm slowly ascending on to the top of the biggest loop on the rollercoaster....anticipating what's going to happen...how it's going to feel....

 

i just wanna keep my eyes open to enjoy this ride...

it's Memorial Day.

yesterday was Pentecost Sunday.  

i have asked the Holy Spirit, in my desperation, for help.  He hears me.  He answers me.  

and so...i thank the Father for sending me help.  

i am at peace right now.  kicking up my heels.  i'm going to have a little dinner.  read my Word.  maybe watch a movie.  pray. and prepare myself for tomorrow.

9 more days of instruction left.

today, as i looked into the eyes of my fiancee, i felt utterly blessed beyond measure.

God is so good...even when we fail or sometimes refuse to realize it.  i could go on having a pity party for myself...or i could just simply live my life like its golden.

Father, in the name of Jesus, have mercy on me as i was in my former iniquity.  i don't deserve your grace and loving kindness but please bestow it upon me in this situation.  let not my deliberate disobedience hinder me.  please.

another chance to make it right and do it His way instead of mine.

Thank You Lord.

YC

real life....

just keeps getting realer.

i'm a tither.

i sow seed.

i don't live an extravagant lifestyle.

i make a modest living.

and yet...after this final loan goes back into repayment...

i'll have a total of $41 surplus a month.  that does count groceries/food.  that doesn't count toiletries.  that doesn't count gas.  that doesn't count household items or laundry or things like that.  that doesn't count the fact that i like to...well...u know...do stuff.  i've already nearly maxed out both of my low credit limit credit cards....sooo.....right?

this doesn't even take into consideration the $100.00 a paycheck i put aside for the wedding.  that's not included at all.

i won't stop tithing.

i won't stop giving.

so......God i need some seed to sow.

this business.  last night, on top of all the foolishness going on in my head...someone had the nerve to question my business practices...as if i was intentionally trying to rip them off.  i gave 60% of that gig back to the church in tithe and seed......the other 40% went so quickly on other business-related expenses....it was NEVER my intention for someone to think i was ripping them off or trying to scheme them out of their money...

smh.

*looks around*

God, you said you give seed to the sower.  i sow. i tithe.  i will NOT stop doing so.

but right now i need some seed to sow.

whether it be making this business frutiful and profitable instead of a money suck....

whether it be opening up windows of opporutnity to create other streams of income....

God you know what to do.  give me wisdom....give me power....help me.